Please help me...

[MarieVeronica]

Dear Catholic Answers Forum. Please help me. I am seeking answers to a very serious family problem. I am not looking for personal opinions, or horror stories of similar circumstances… or for judgment calls. I am looking for CATHOLIC CHURCH TEACHING in this area. Here is my situation…

I have a close relative, who keeps asking me for money. Over the years, the relative has had ongoing problems with personal finances and mounting debt; drinking; and motivation to become gainfully employed and self sufficient. I also have reason to believe that the relative is using my phone number and possibly my private email… for personal reasons. As I am receiving many credit collection calls, in the relatives name.

Now, in at least one place in Sacred Scripture… Our dear Lord says:

“Give to everyone who asks of thee, and from him who takes away thy goods, ask no return.” (Luke 6:30)

Over the years, in a sincere attempt to honor Our Lord’s teachings… I have loaned this relative upwards of a few thousand dollars. Although, I myself could be teetering on the brink of poverty, at any moment (I haven’t been able to work outside my home, since February… because I am sole Caregiver to my mother… who suffers from Alzheimer’s), I don’t expect repayment of the loans, from my relative. The relative “soothes” me with promises that “this will be the last request (for money)”. But it keeps happening, over and over.

How can I reconcile Our Lords words… with my situation? Must I continue to give to my relative, until I am flat broke? Please help me… because I don’t know where else to turn. I want to obey Our Lord. The relative is someone I love very much and have a deep desire to help, but has a proven track record of this type of behavior. Please help me.

Thank you and God bless.

(Moderators… if I have posted in the wrong forum… I apologize. I wasn’t sure where to post this. I was hoping that one of the Apologists might respond).

 

[ricko]

I believe this belongs in the “Morals” section. I know you don’t want personal opinions but that may be all you will get. I also don’t think you will find “official” Church teaching for your situation.

“Give to everyone who asks of thee, and from him who takes away thy goods, ask no return.” (Luke 6:30)

I don’t have my bible in front of me so I don’t know the context but it would seem to mean to give to everyone who is in NEED. God does not intend for you to give to someone who is not in need but is taking advantage of you. The bible says to give what you can and it appears that you have gone overboard on your giving. By giving to this person you are actually making the problem worst as your giving is not accepted with charity. Also you are now neglecting your Mother. This is not what God intended. He is not asking you to give to this person, you must stop and take care of your Mother. If you don’t accept this explantation then I suggest you see a priest but it appears that you have misunderstood what Luke was saying. Good luck.

 

[VociMike]

It sounds like you are (with the purest of intentions) enabling self-destructive and/or sinful behavior on the part of this relative.

At the core, Our Lord tells us to love our neighbor as ourself. This means to want what is truly best for others and to assist in that goal to the degree we are able. But helping a person to be an irresponsible bum is not what is truly best for that person, so you are not under any obligation to help him on that path. In fact, I think you would agree that it does not reflect true love for that person (although again I acknowledge that you have been trying to do the right thing as you saw it).

2 Thes. 3 talks very plainly about this situation:

[7]For you yourselves know how you ought to imitate us; we were not idle when we were with you,
[8] we did not eat any one’s bread without paying, but with toil and labor we worked night and day, that we might not burden any of you.
[9] It was not because we have not that right, but to give you in our conduct an example to imitate.
[10] For even when we were with you, **we gave you this command: If any one will not work, let him not eat. **
[11] For we hear that some of you are living in idleness, mere busybodies, not doing any work.
[12] Now such persons we command and exhort in the Lord Jesus Christ to do their work in quietness and to earn their own living.
[13] Brethren, do not be weary in well-doing.
[14] If any one refuses to obey what we say in this letter, note that man, and have nothing to do with him, that he may be ashamed.

 

[the_phoenix]

Here’s a Bible verse for you:

“For also when we were with you, this we declared to you: that, if any man will not work, neither let him eat.” 2 Thessalonians 3:10

~~ the phoenix

 

[MarieVeronica]

Thank you both, for your answers. They are helpful. I will repost this in the Morals Forum. God bless you both.

(Just to clarify, Rick… the relative IS technically “in need” in the material sense… which is why I have felt compelled to give and make “loans”. But over the years, my relative has avoided working steadily… and becoming self sufficient. And has basically, made no provisions for her own future. SIGH. Thanks for your answers, again).

 

[SuscipeMeDomine]

You can get into dueling verses:

In fact, when we were with you, we instructed you that if anyone was unwilling to work, neither should that one eat (2 Thes 3:10).

But that’s not really the point.

I think the question is what’s going to be best for your relative and for you. It sounds like your relative has problems with alcohol and possibly other mental health issues. Perhaps it would be helpful for you to contact Alcoholics Anonymous for their ideas on how to assist your relative in coping with this.

By the way, if you think this relative is using your e-mail, change the password right this minute. That’s one thing you won’t have to worry about.

 

[wanner47]

“Giving” does not have to mean monetary giving. You can give love, support, and friendship. But it sounds like giving your relative more money would only make his problems worse – and how would that be showing love to him?

Also, in that instance, Jesus was more than likely using hyberbole to illustrate his point. He does that many times in the Gospels.

Also, if he is stealing your identity, that is a serious problem and you need to get that addressed ASAP.

 

[CB_Catholic]

In actuality, when we get to the point where we begin to enable a person to continue self-destructive behavior, we actually take away part of their God-given freedom to choose the right behavior and reject the wrong. We’ve made the choice for them–“go ahead and continue what you are doing, and I’ll see to it that you can.”

Jesus did not advocate this at all. That is not turning the other cheek. It’s actively participating in allowing the behavior to continue, although that is not what we are intending to do. We need to set the person free to make his or her own choices and suffer the consequences or rewards their choices merit. A tough but necessary thing to do if there is to be any change in the person’s behavior.

 

[Teflon93]

First, this would be a good question for Ask An Apologist.

Let’s see what the Catechism says:

• VI. LOVE FOR THE POOR

2443 God blesses those who come to the aid of the poor and rebukes those who turn away from them: “Give to him who begs from you, do not refuse him who would borrow from you”; "you received without pay, give without pay."232 It is by what they have done for the poor that Jesus Christ will recognize his chosen ones.233 When “the poor have the good news preached to them,” it is the sign of Christ’s presence.234

2444 “The Church’s love for the poor . . . is a part of her constant tradition.” This love is inspired by the Gospel of the Beatitudes, of the poverty of Jesus, and of his concern for the poor.235 Love for the poor is even one of the motives for the duty of working so as to "be able to give to those in need."236 It extends not only to material poverty but also to the many forms of cultural and religious poverty.237

2445 Love for the poor is incompatible with immoderate love of riches or their selfish use:

Come now, you rich, weep and howl for the miseries that are coming upon you. Your riches have rotted and your garments are moth-eaten. Your gold and silver have rusted, and their rust will be evidence against you and will eat your flesh like fire. You have laid up treasure for the last days. Behold, the wages of the laborers who mowed your fields, which you kept back by fraud, cry out; and the cries of the harvesters have reached the ears of the Lord of hosts. You have lived on the earth in luxury and in pleasure; you have fattened your hearts in a day of slaughter. You have condemned, you have killed the righteous man; he does not resist you.238

2446 St. John Chrysostom vigorously recalls this: "Not to enable the poor to share in our goods is to steal from them and deprive them of life. The goods we possess are not ours, but theirs."239 “The demands of justice must be satisfied first of all; that which is already due in justice is not to be offered as a gift of charity”:240

When we attend to the needs of those in want, we give them what is theirs, not ours. More than performing works of mercy, we are paying a debt of justice.241

2447 The works of mercy are charitable actions by which we come to the aid of our neighbor in his spiritual and bodily necessities.242 Instructing, advising, consoling, comforting are spiritual works of mercy, as are forgiving and bearing wrongs patiently. The corporal works of mercy consist especially in feeding the hungry, sheltering the homeless, clothing the naked, visiting the sick and imprisoned, and burying the dead.243 Among all these, giving alms to the poor is one of the chief witnesses to fraternal charity: it is also a work of justice pleasing to God:244

He who has two coats, let him share with him who has none and he who has food must do likewise.245 But give for alms those things which are within; and behold, everything is clean for you.

246** If a brother or sister is ill-clad and in lack of daily food, and one of you says to them, “Go in peace, be warmed and filled,” without giving them the things needed for the body, what does it profit?**247

2448 "In its various forms - material deprivation, unjust oppression, physical and psychological illness and death - human misery is the obvious sign of the inherited condition of frailty and need for salvation in which man finds himself as a consequence of original sin. This misery elicited the compassion of Christ the Savior, who willingly took it upon himself and identified himself with the least of his brethren. Hence, those who are oppressed by poverty are the object of a preferential love on the part of the Church which, since her origin and in spite of the failings of many of her members, has not ceased to work for their relief, defense, and liberation through numerous works of charity which remain indispensable always and everywhere."248

2449 Beginning with the Old Testament, all kinds of juridical measures (the jubilee year of forgiveness of debts, prohibition of loans at interest and the keeping of collateral, the obligation to tithe, the daily payment of the day-laborer, the right to glean vines and fields) answer the exhortation of Deuteronomy: "For the poor will never cease out of the land; therefore I command you, ‘You shall open wide your hand to your brother, to the needy and to the poor in the land.’"249 Jesus makes these words his own: "The poor you always have with you, but you do not always have me."250 In so doing he does not soften the vehemence of former oracles against “buying the poor for silver and the needy for a pair of sandals . . .,” but invites us to recognize his own presence in the poor who are his brethren:251

When her mother reproached her for caring for the poor and the sick at home, St. Rose of Lima said to her: "When we serve the poor and the sick, we serve Jesus. We must not fail to help our neighbors, because in them we serve Jesus.252

 

[Teflon93]

and

Charity

1822 Charity is the theological virtue by which we love God above all things for his own sake, and our neighbor as ourselves for the love of God.

1823 Jesus makes charity the new commandment.96 By loving his own "to the end,"97 he makes manifest the Father’s love which he receives. By loving one another, the disciples imitate the love of Jesus which they themselves receive. Whence Jesus says: “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you; abide in my love.” And again: "This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you."98

1824 Fruit of the Spirit and fullness of the Law, charity keeps the commandments of God and his Christ: "Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love."99

1825 Christ died out of love for us, while we were still "enemies."100 The Lord asks us to love as he does, even our enemies, to make ourselves the neighbor of those farthest away, and to love children and the poor as Christ himself.101

The Apostle Paul has given an incomparable depiction of charity: "charity is patient and kind, charity is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Charity does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. Charity bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."102

1826 “If I . . . have not charity,” says the Apostle, “I am nothing.” Whatever my privilege, service, or even virtue, "if I . . . have not charity, I gain nothing."103 Charity is superior to all the virtues. It is the first of the theological virtues: "So faith, hope, charity abide, these three. But the greatest of these is charity."104

1827 The practice of all the virtues is animated and inspired by charity, which “binds everything together in perfect harmony”;105 it is the form of the virtues; it articulates and orders them among themselves; it is the source and the goal of their Christian practice. Charity upholds and purifies our human ability to love, and raises it to the supernatural perfection of divine love.

1828 The practice of the moral life animated by charity gives to the Christian the spiritual freedom of the children of God. He no longer stands before God as a slave, in servile fear, or as a mercenary looking for wages, but as a son responding to the love of him who “first loved us”:106

If we turn away from evil out of fear of punishment, we are in the position of slaves. If we pursue the enticement of wages, . . . we resemble mercenaries. Finally if we obey for the sake of the good itself and out of love for him who commands . . . we are in the position of children.107

1829 The fruits of charity are joy, peace, and mercy; charity demands beneficence and fraternal correction; it is benevolence; it fosters reciprocity and remains disinterested and generous; it is friendship and communion: Love is itself the fulfillment of all our works. There is the goal; that is why we run: we run toward it, and once we reach it, in it we shall find rest.108

Charity of course should be freely given—we are not obligated to allow ourselves to be stolen from, but rather to forgive those who have stolen from us.

 

[guanophore]

Thank you both, for your answers. They are helpful. I will repost this in the Morals Forum. God bless you both.

(Just to clarify, Rick… the relative IS technically “in need” in the material sense… which is why I have felt compelled to give and make “loans”. But over the years, my relative has avoided working steadily… and becoming self sufficient. And has basically, made no provisions for her own future. SIGH. Thanks for your answers, again).

I have a brother who is like this, and have done the same thing. Sometimes it is better to give material goods (food, shelter, clothing) but the most important thing is prayer. When Jesus said “give” He did not specify that it be money. Fasting is also an excellent gift to give to the suffering, and collecting indulgences on their behalf. What I think has made a bigger difference than money is the Rosary and extra Masses. There are also plenary indulgences, for example, I live near a Shrine of St. Bernadette,and they are authorized to give a papal indulgence at certain feasts.

It is never loving to confirm or enable someone in sin and irresponsibility. Another option is to put money in a savings, and allow it to be accessed when certain conditions are met. For example, I gave my brother money to buy a car, but he could not access it until he got job. You and your brother will be in my prayers.

 

[MarieVeronica]

Sometimes it is better to give material goods (food, shelter, clothing) but the most important thing is prayer.

Thanks everyone for your responses. I humbly ask your pardon for not wanting “personal opinions”. Because thus far, your personal opinions have been very sound, logical and most importantly… they seem Scriptural. I am grateful.

The above is excellent advice. But the problem is that I currently live in the eastern U.S., and my relative in the western U.S. So… it’s not easy to provide actual material goods (food, etc.). The shipping and postage for this, would be very expensive for us.

The suggestion for prayer, however… is a very good one. And I thank you for that.

P.S. After reposting this, in the Morals Forum… it was apparently removed. I truly would appreciate a response from one of the Apologists on my dilemma. But, maybe I’m asking for too much. They don’t seem to post many personal responses in the forums. But I would certainly be grateful for one.

 

[Teflon93]

Thanks everyone for your responses. I humbly ask your pardon for not wanting “personal opinions”. Because thus far, your personal opinions have been very sound, logical and most importantly… they seem Scriptural. I am grateful.

The above is excellent advice. But the problem is that I currently live in the eastern U.S., and my relative in the western U.S. So… it’s not easy to provide actual material goods (food, etc.). The shipping and postage for this, would be very expensive for us.

The suggestion for prayer, however… is a very good one. And I thank you for that.

P.S. After reposting this, in the Morals Forum… it was apparently removed. I truly would appreciate a response from one of the Apologists on my dilemma. But, maybe I’m asking for too much. They don’t seem to post many personal responses in the forums. But I would certainly be grateful for one.

As a frequent Amazon.com user, I can attest to the cost-efficiency of ordering through them and shipping goods to recipients. With Amazon Prime, I pay $70 per year for free two-day shipping.

Also, gift cards (orderable through Amazon too) to supermarkets can be a great alternative to sending cash.