Please help! My husband has been watching porn. I need info and advice

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Devastated

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I accidentally found it on his phone the other day. He was caught so he admitted it. of course I have a million emotions but the strongest is fear- fear that he is still not being honest with me. Ok, so the phone’s history only went back 5 days. out of those five days, he had worked overnight 3, and had been home with me for 2. 2 of the 3 nights he had worked had multiple sites visited. He tells me this is not a “porn addiction” issue and that this is extremely infrequent. He also swears he doesn’t masturbate, that he just watches and doesn’t know why. We have been married for over 20 years. According to him, during our marriage, this has occurred " a handful of times," for a few days at a time. This just does not sound like what I know of pornography. Can someone with experience in this please tell me if this is likely, or is it likely that this is an issue that is way worse than he letting on?

Thank you so much and please pray for my family.
 
I’m sorry you are going through this porn kills and its an evil industry. If he is honest and wants to kick the habit may I suggest your husband switching to a flip top phone if he doesn’t mind? If he absolutely needs a smart phone install a filter/blocker and you be the accountability partner by setting up password etc. What about the computer at home? is it only his phone or does he watch porn at home/computer?
 
I can’t tell you if what he is telling you is the truth.

I can tell you that my husband and I faced and are dealing with the aftermath of a very similar scenario. Even if it is sporadic use with or without masturbation it doesn’t mean your feelings of mistrust, fear, betrayal and pain are any less valid. You were betrayed and it hurts beyond words.

How we have/are dealing with it:
  1. DH scheduled an appointment with our priest for private confession. - This allowed him to release guilt and be better prepared for the battle ahead. It mostly made me angry that he made penance to God and not me who he had also betrayed but eventually he got there, too.
  2. We put Accountable2You on all smart devices he uses. We enabled parental controls on them as well and he is unable to download or delete apps. We deleted all social media from smart devices(because on iPhones that activity is not tracked via the accountability program). I’m the accountability partner as he did not feel he had friends he could use. This provided me the ability to trust but verify when I need reassurance.
  3. We read Every Man’s Battle and Every Heart Restored - this provided us a common language so we could discuss the extent of the problem and gave my husband the understanding of what he needed to do to restore my trust and faith.
  4. No phones or computers in privacy.
  5. Attended Retrovaille and post sessions. This gave me back my faith in him and his desire to change. It allowed me to release a lot of pain and to forgive.
I hope this helps; I know how powerful prayer of others has been in our healing and I will pray for you and your family that you will find your own peace.
 
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It certainly is possible that he rarely uses it or masturbates, but it is also something people lie about. Aren’t there reasons you think he is lying? Frequent porn use almost always is very damaging for your relationship. Are there signs in your relationship that suggest he may be using it a lot?
 
We have a bit of a troubled history. Before we met, we were both away from the church. He had been raised a practicing Catholic and from the outside seemed to come from a good Catholic family. I was baptized Catholic but our faith and the sacraments were never a priority. We had both previously been in unhealthy, unchaste relationships. He had dated a stripper just before we met. I had been in a civil marriage and had 2 young children. We came back to the church together. We have never used contraception in our marriage and have more than a few children. We homeschool all of the children and are active in our church community.

Just after having our first child together, I found out that he had been talking to the stripper ex for months while I was pregnant. She had contacted him and they had spent probably hundreds of hours on the phone during those months. I almost left. He was sorry. It was done.

He can be a bit of a flirt. Nothing crazy, but jokes around alot with friends. It has made me slightly uncomfortable at times, but nothing earth-shattering. About a year ago, he was sleeping when a text came in from our daughter. When I looked at the text, the one underneath it caught my attention. It had been sent to woman at work. It was completely inappropriate and wasn’t connected to any other texts in the thread. When I looked at the phone records, several other texts had been sent back and forth around the same time but had been deleted from his phone. “It was just a joke, an inappropriate and bad joke. nothing to worry about.won’t happen again” There have been other little things over the years and time periods when I thought something might be amiss. But I ignored it.

I have a history of some abuse as a child so I have a lot of insecurities anyway. I want to believe that this is infrequent. I want to believe that it wont happen again. But I am so scared that my marriage is just not what I thought it was.
 
My heart goes out to you! I have just left my husband of over 20 years (with the goal of kicking him in the pants and that he will seek healing for his issues).
While porn wasn’t the specific issue, I have no real question in my mind that it is part and parcel of why he’s fallen into the trap he is in.
For years there were red flags, but no smoking gun, so I let it all go and hoped for the best. Now I feel a bit of a fool, that I should have seen it coming.
I also feel that if I had had the courage earlier to put my foot down, my husband’s issues might not have become so big.
So basically, while no one can tell you exactly what to do, don’t discount drawing a line in the sand, especially if you have support from other family. I would have to say that it will only get worse if you don’t.
 
I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this in your marriage, Devastated. I can fully relate. When I discovered my husband of many years was viewing porn and all that went along with it, I was terribly hurt and felt extremely betrayed. I started a group here at CAF titled, “Women Suffering Because of Unchastity,” which ultimately was a true marriage-saver for me. There were almost 200 members - all women who were going through what I was - either in their marriages or other relationships. It was an amazing venue filled with much-needed support for all of us. Unfortunately, this new CAF format does not allow the former type of groups to form which was very disappointing to me since even after several years in the group I still needed that anonymous support from other women to get me through some days with my husband and his continued viewing of porn. If you wish, feel free to send me a private message. We may even be able to start up a new similar group by way of private group messaging if any other women feel the need. Please know that you’re definitely not alone in feeling disrespected and hurt, and you will be in my prayers. I’ve also found that praying for St. Monica and Our Lady’s intercession can be of tremendous help and comfort.
 
A husband is called to serve his wife with the same care as Christ serves the Church. As Christ died for the Church husbands are called to be willing to die for their wives. (Wives are equally called to serve their husbands as the Church serves Christ; so, it’s not like we got off easy here!)

Your husband’s continued inappropriate contact with women is selfish and not at all in line with the covenant of marriage. It is completely inappropriate and it is reasonable to feel distrustful.

I had a similar “line in the sand moment” as @exiled1: I had a knee to knee conversation with my husband that, as I had been explicitly clear prior to marriage that pornography was in no way something I would allow within marriage, and that he had willingly agreed with me, that he had not fulfilled the means test for a consenting and valid marriage and I was within my rights to ask for an annulment.

Honestly, I have no idea if the above is true. I thought it true at the time and it scared my husband enough that he truly saw, really saw, what was at risk because of his behavior. He has become more aware of the damage he has caused to himself and his family as we grow in faith and repair our relationship. (To be fair I have also taken responsibility for my own ungodly behaviors and am working with equal fervor to remove the logs from my own eyes).

Your marriage doesn’t have to end here; but, it is going to take a lot of work and more heartache to get to a point where you have the marriage God wants for you. Are you willing to do that? Is he?

I can tell you it’s worth it. I loved and respected my husband before; but, this experience has taught us both that there is a deeper love, respect, and spirituality available and it is more than we could have ever imagined.

One other note, his behavior has nothing to do with you. As women we have the tendency to validate our worth from the cues of others. It is not much of a leap for a wife to feel like there must be something wrong with her for her husband to view porn. Pornography is not about you. When he commits adulterous acts he isn’t thinking how this may hurt you. He is focused on himself. It is an act of complete selfishness.
 
Hi. I had seen some of your previous post and looked for your group. I
would love to have some support and someone I can communicate with. I am a
homeschooling mom and truly don’t have a lot of outside friends and no one
I feel comfortable going to. He has agreed to the use of accountability
software which I think is necessary. I’m so glad because if I question him
about anything, he gets very angry. He tells me I can look at his phone
whenever I want but I know he will be more careful if he is doing it. I
feel like Im quickly turning into a crazy person.
 
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Will send you a private message, Devastated. If you don’t get it, just let me know. This new CAF format is a little strange…
 
Yep. I have been going crazy for months. As I mentioned, I just left my husband 3 weeks ago, in desperate hopes that he will realize the damage he has done, but so far I haven’t seen a single movement from him.
I just had a birthday and he texted me “Happy Birthday”, but at 1am. So I can’t relax for wondering what he is doing up at 1am and who he was with.
My husband opened a new email account and downloaded an app called “Hangouts”, in order to chat with this other woman, so that it wouldn’t show up on regular texts. Don’t be fooled by his willingness to let you see his phone.
I am waiting for my husband to go to counseling and spiritual direction, and put some real time into understanding the gravity of what he has done. I want my family back together with all of my heart, but I can’t live like this and neither should you have to.
 
Praying for you exciled, and also devastated.
 
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Speaking as someone who is addicted, it sounds like he is addicted to sex and/or porn. This will be a difficult road for him because porn severely alters the neurochemical balance in the brain’s reward circuitry (See The Great Porn Experiment on youtube and similar). Of course the frist step to solving a problem is admitting you have one. Limiting social media, news, and media consumption to Sundays has helped me to rebalance my life in general. Also Covenant Eyes software can virtually eliminate porn (except porn that people send him). I also had to cut out people who would send me porn in messages. That said, I still haven’t recovered.

The hardest thing is probably that my marriage has always been a major source of stress for me and I used porn to medicate my pain. My wife can be cold, distant, and indifferent. After we were married she confessed that she hates physical intimacy. I asked her to attend counseling with me several times but she won’t go. I’m trying to improve my marriage by devoting more time to her and serving her but she has never been interested in spending time alone with me. When she discovered my porn use, she was shocked and hurt, but then I wondered, “You have never been interested in me before, but now you suddenly are?”

This may not be the case with your marriage but I want to make you aware that porn is usually only a surface problem. The deeper root cause will need to be addressed if you want to a real hope for his or your healing.
 
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Thank you to all who have responded and for your prayers and support.

John1513, thank you for your insight. I hope that you and your wife are
able to work thru your issues and find peace in your relationship.
Physical intimacy has never been an issue for me. I think that’s one
reason this is so concerning for me. I don’t believe in denying my
husband. And I enjoy those times as well. After talking to him more, I do
believe he is being honest about the extent of his use. He has asked me to
trust him and I have agreed. Maybe I am being naive but I feel after all
these years, and with my own faults, I owe him that. This has forced him
to think and he believes these episodes have coincided with times of
turmoil within his family.
Please continue to keep us in your prayers as I will do the same for
all who are suffering this affliction.
 
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Good to hear, some of the signs sounded like my own but I could be wrong. Regardless of the situation, Covenant Eyes is a logical preventative measure for every man who lives in a porn-saturated culture. It brings our online life out of the dark and into the light and takes away the doubting and wondering. Since the internet has infinite perils, being open and honest with our spouse regarding our online activity in this regard is healthy.
 
Well, I feel stupid. Don’t know if it’s addiction. He still swears it wasn’t “regular” usage, it was “infrequent.” Apparently his definitions are different than mine. Despite his best efforts to delete, I found many more visits over the last year. I saw no need to go further back. As far as covenant eyes, they don’t cover chromebooks and we have several. Not to mention, if I wanted a throw away device that I could just get wifi, it wouldn’t be a problem. I could get one in a day without having to pay for it
And wifi is readily available in any populated area. Where there is a will there is a way. As sneaky and deceitful as he has been, if he wants to, he will do it. I just feel so stupid for thinking I was safe and loved. I am not sure I want to fix this.
 
Time to think of this as first, sin.

Let’s say you found out hour husband was a kleptomaniac. You found a treasure trove of stolen DVDs. He did not steal large items, nothing felony, but, he was stealing.

Or say you found out that your husband was intentionally missing Mass on Sunday. He had no reason, no excuse, he just stayed home to watch the game.

You found out that he had been doing this since before you were married, that he had not confessed this secret sin to you. He did say he was going to Confession regularly and he was trying to amend his life.

Would you want to help him overcome those sinful habits?
 
These things are very different, what he has done was to complete disregard
everything sacred in our marriage. We had discussed these issues in the
past, how they would effect our relationship. We talked about a friend’s
struggle and how difficult it was on his wife.

We have also discussed addiction, mainlybregarding drugs, but still
apllicable. Yes it is a struggle, I refuse to call it a disease, one
doesn’t catch it like a cold. It is self inflicted. As a rule, you don’t
become addicted to drugs without a conscious choice to use in the first
place. (Obviously some start with valid prescriptions, and there are other
very rare exceptions). Same with this. I have him everything I had to
give. He made a repeated, and conscious choice to partake in this
behavior, risking or marriage and the souls of our children.
 
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