Please help...my son is on the wrong path!

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ServantEliza

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I have been suspecting and accusing for 6 months now. I finally got the courage to get a drug test from the drug store and approach my son when he got home. I did and he flipped. He cried and said I can’t believe I was doing this to him.
I ended up not having him perform the test because he was so upset and my husband was trying to calm things down. He admitted to smoking pot. I’m not sure he was even smoking pot. For all I know he could have been sniffing something. He said he’d never do anything chemical and that he only has smoked pot, cigarettes and drink alcohol.
He is 17 and a senior in high school. He goes to a catholic school and has for the whole time except for 2 years. He told me that probably 80 percent of the kids have and do on a regular basis. This all happened Wednesday night and to night he wanted to use my car. I said he could not. I haven’t dealt with it yet because of the holiday yesterday.
We have no commitment from him, no consequences, no plans to take action. My husband believes I should take a step back. I don’t think we’re finished. This is my oldest child. I’m scared and confused. I don’t think my husband and I are on the same page. He was not the greatest kid and his parents pretended things weren’t happening. He is a great guy and that was a phase for him. He thinks we need to back off and not make him crazy.

Help!! What should I do?
 
I went to Catholic high school (graduated in 99), and I can tell you that he’s probably right - about 80% of the kids DID drink, smoke cigarettes, and/or smoke pot. I teach English at a university now, and underage drinking is a given - I once had a student pull out a fake ID during class :doh2: . I can say, though, that drug use beyond that - cocaine, LSD, etc - are, in my experience, very rare and usually frowned upon.
The vast majority of both the students I went to high school with AND the students I teach (and my friends and I, honestly) have ended up fine.
This isn’t to a) excuse his behavior, or b) make it seem acceptable. Teenagers convicted of even a minor drug offense can lose all rights to student loans - permanently. Teenagers often binge drink, and don’t yet have the mental capacities to see when it’s a bad idea to drive. If more parents, like you, followed up on consequences (you can’t use the car, because you’ve proven that you aren’t responsible), then this wouldn’t be such a problem.
It sounds like you’re a) scared for your son, and b) worried because you don’t feel like your husband’s on the same page as you are. I don’t think I can speak much to b - I’ve only been married about a year and half :). All I can say is to keep on your son - sharing the possible lack of student loans (not to mention the threat of hurting yourself or someone else) may be a good place to start.
 
Whether or not other kids do things is immaterial to the issue. The line goes, “I don’t care if the entire student body sits around the front steps and tokes along with the principal. You do not. Period.” You have just been manipulated via deflection. He hopes you will now examine the school more closely than you do him, so he has an excuse.

So, if he were my kid, and I have old kids as well as younger kids, he would not be driving for quite awhile. I would sit down with my husband and make sure we had a few simple but non-negotiable rules. One of them would be no drug use. Drug use would equal no car. Period. Ride the long white limo that pulls up at the bus stop.
 
A 17 yo boy crying b/c you want to drug test him is all alligator tears. He played you.

At 17 it’s likely too late to set meaningful rules, limits, and consequences. That needed to start very early.

The first step is for you and DH to get on the same page. The second step is to set up rules and consequences regarding curfew, use of vehicles, grades, etc. And, let it be known that there will be a random drug/alcohol test policy in place at your home from now on and what the consequences are for failing those tests. Third, seek professional guidance from a counselor with experience in teen drug/alcohol use. Fourth, follow through on everything you say you will do or you will be toast the first time you back down and give in.
 
5th - if you have younger kids, make certain that the ground rules about this sort of activity is well known and discussed often.

6th - be involved, be nosey and when needed be mean.

7th - Dr. Ray
 
Another thing to consider…

I don’t know when your son will be 18, but you need to act fast! You will not be able to legally make him get treatment/counseling if he is resistant once he is 18. We went through the same thing with my brother. He started with pot when he was 16 and now he is 21. He has been in and out of several rehabs, done quite a bit of time in jail and is currently enrolled in a drug court program that will go on for 12 to 24 months. He also is living in a halfway house right now.

If you have suspected it for 6 months, you can be sure it has been going on. Trust your intuition. We tried to give my brother the benefit of the doubt and chose to believe his lies. We knew in our hearts he was using, but when he denied it or promised to never do it again, we wanted to believe that more than anything. He is a master of deception and incredibly manipulative. He “played us” with tears and stories and excuses.

Having a child who uses drugs, does not make you bad parents. That only happens when you chose not to deal with it in a firm, decisive and loving way. I second the concepts of regular drug screens (be aware that there are tricks that kids learn to beat the tests), limited freedom and a lot of follow up. Here is a good resource. theantidrug.com There are several others including the partnership for a drug free america. I will also warn you that many of the drugs kids are using today are simply overdoses of over the counter medications. A very popular one is Corididan. It you find he is taking cold medications regularly, he might be using these. Many of them do not show up in drug screens.

Sorry for the novel, 😊 but I have been very close to this very situation for over 6 years and know WAY too much about drugs, for someone who has never tried any.
 
All I have to add is…

Does he have any adults that he’s good friends with? Like a youth group leader if he’s involved in church stuff, or a relative, or something like that? If so, ask him/her talk with him about it, and about him, how he’s doing, etc. If your son doesn’t want to talk about it, then he doesn’t. But he’s probably like most kids, just wanting to be accepted and understood. And at least he’ll knows someone’s there who’ll take him as he is. (Of course you and your DH are there too, but, no offense- parents are different. If he’s like most teens, he see’s you his enemy right now)

And def keep him in check. From some of his peers perspective, it may be an acceptable excuse to lay off the drugs.
 
I agree with the others. He played you big time and you fell for it. Let this be a lesson and next time don’t give into him. Make him take that test. Even if it means dad has to stand there and watch him the whole time.

My dss was caught with a pipe and a package of cigarettes back when he was just starting his senior year in high school. We went over to mom’s and had a big meeting about it. He was grounded from just about everything including out of school get together with friends. He was required to become acquainted with manual labor. He chopped wood, mowed the lawn in addition to other chores. He was also informed that if he was caught and sent to jail he would stay there until the police where good and ready to release him. We would not bail his butt out!

If you have been suspecting for 6 months chances are very good that it has been going on for even longer. We where fortunate that we caught my stepson when he was first starting. You are going to need to play hard ball here. Do not give into him.

Lastly, you and your husband need to sit down and have a talk. Make sure that you are both on the same page. You can not help your son if you are on different pages.
 
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