Please help...My wife had an affair and is unhappy with our marriage

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ewc115

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Thank you to those taking the time to read this post. I would greatly appreciate any (name removed by moderator)ut and/or guidance.

My wife and I have been together for 10 years and married for 3 years. Last summer she went overseas on a volunteer trip with a mutual friend she then had an affair with. She disclosed this to me 4-5 months ago and since then we have attended Retrouvaille and couples counseling. I have found it in myself to forgive her and have told her so. Also, after identifying her deepest needs for affection, honesty, conversation, recreational activity and admiration I am also making every effort to satisfy these needs, make her happy and rebuild our marriage. This is despite my deepest needs for honesty, sexual fulfillment, affection and affirmation not being met.

After months of rebuilding I am continuing to hurt as she is continuing to take from me and not fill my love bank. For her, she acknowledges that I am doing/saying all the right things, but she is still unhappy. I am feeling disrespected/unappreciated and am losing all hope in our marriage and am unsure of what more I can possibly do and give her.

God bless,
Eddie
 
Does she still have feelings for this other man or did she enter your marriage with unrealistic exprectations or what is it that is making her unhappy? She needs to get to the root of why she is unhappy because nothing you can do will help the situation until she knows what is eating away at her. It may something you can work out within your marriage or it might not be. No one can be happy in any situation in life if they can’t be happy just being themselves first. She needs personal counseling. This means you have to be patient a while longer if you want to save your marriage. If you haven’t talked to a good priest about this, I suggest you do. And, as always, pray. You have my prayers, as well. :console:
 
I think you should ask her outright if there is any hope for your marriage. Otherwise you will be dangling on a string trying to please her, when she may not even want to be married anymore.
 
My heart goes out to you my friend May God comfort you and your wife. If you trust in Jesus and your wife too then your marriage will be saved through intense prayer. There are three people in every marriage and God is not number three!
If God is not present then you may be about to carry a heavy cross but the important thing about carrying a cross is that Jesus is right beside you!..He never leaves you…I know this stuff because I have been that man.
I repeat again May God Bless you and your wife Amen
 
ewc115 said:
Thank you to those taking the time to read this post. I would greatly appreciate any (name removed by moderator)ut and/or guidance.

My wife and I have been together for 10 years and married for 3 years. Last summer she went overseas on a volunteer trip with a mutual friend she then had an affair with. She disclosed this to me 4-5 months ago and since then we have attended Retrouvaille and couples counseling. I have found it in myself to forgive her and have told her so. Also, after identifying her deepest needs for affection, honesty, conversation, recreational activity and admiration I am also making every effort to satisfy these needs, make her happy and rebuild our marriage. This is despite my deepest needs for honesty, sexual fulfillment, affection and affirmation not being met.

After months of rebuilding I am continuing to hurt as she is continuing to take from me and not fill my love bank. For her, she acknowledges that I am doing/saying all the right things, but she is still unhappy. I am feeling disrespected/unappreciated and am losing all hope in our marriage and am unsure of what more I can possibly do and give her.

God bless,
Eddie
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I am of the mind set that if your spouse cheats on you, or lies to you in a grave way, in my opinion theirs no way to work things out, B/c it will always play in your head, your going to be telling yourself, what if? The trust is lost.

If I were you I would just find counseling but start the process in getting a divorce.
 
First it’s admirable you chose to forgive. Regardless of how this plays out, the forgiveness you offered will give you the peace that you reacted with a selfless gesture.

I’m not sure if doing all the right things will make anyone happy, it can only make them happier. Their appreciation by you making them happier should be returned to you with genuine acts of giving. Not the I’ll do this for you, and you’ll do this for me thing, there should be no conditions for each person giving of themselves.

Her not being happy or fulfilled may be beyond anything you could do. Perhaps someone other than yourself has to ask her what it is that would make her happy. She would have to answer truthfully without fear of judgement. Yes I know, sounds a lot like confession. If she cannot answer that question truthfully,or if she just does not know, nothing you do may be able to repair the mutual respect that was once there. I know you mentioned counseling, perhaps have her write a letter

You still have to be honest and accept criticisms about you she may have. They may or may not be valid, but often time we’re not honest when we criticize ourselves. This applies to many people, myself included, usually it’s due to pride.

Remove every selfish act you have committed against each other. In thoughts, acts, behavior, past and present events. On your behalf you cleared a hurdle many have not, you were able to begin to forgive. I think there’s more that needs to be done there though. Remove all the conditions from your act of mercy. Do not expect that a gift you offered should in any way be repaid. If your gift is sincere, no return should be expected.

Loyalty and respect is very , very difficult to find these days. If you can profess you were 100% loyal and trustworthy, and you put the needs of her over yours, that should be enough. If she is seeking to find that elsewhere, it will be a very , very long search, it will be an even longer search if she’s searching for it to make her happy. Your soul follows you everywhere you go, and whomever you’re with. The key is entrusting your soul to the right persons, to God first, to another loving trustworthy soul second. Good luck, I hope it works out for the both of you. God Bless.
 
ewc115 said:
Thank you to those taking the time to read this post. I would greatly appreciate any (name removed by moderator)ut and/or guidance.

My wife and I have been together for 10 years and married for 3 years. Last summer she went overseas on a volunteer trip with a mutual friend she then had an affair with. She disclosed this to me 4-5 months ago and since then we have attended Retrouvaille and couples counseling. I have found it in myself to forgive her and have told her so. Also, after identifying her deepest needs for affection, honesty, conversation, recreational activity and admiration I am also making every effort to satisfy these needs, make her happy and rebuild our marriage. This is despite my deepest needs for honesty, sexual fulfillment, affection and affirmation not being met.

After months of rebuilding I am continuing to hurt as she is continuing to take from me and not fill my love bank. For her, she acknowledges that I am doing/saying all the right things, but she is still unhappy. I am feeling disrespected/unappreciated and am losing all hope in our marriage and am unsure of what more I can possibly do and give her.

God bless,
Eddie
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May I ask the following?
  1. are you married in the Catholic Church?
  2. did you live together before marriage?
  3. do you have kids?
  4. how old are you both?
 
Thank you all for your thoughtful comments. I’ll respond in the order of the messages I received.

I agree she needs to get to the root of why she is unhappy. I believe part of it is due to resentment based on our past. Another reason may be she is going through depression. It is interesting you bring up individual therapy because she did already ask for it. It is however tough for me to get comfortable with this idea of her getting individual therapy because of some history. Let me explain. During our first couples therapy session was when she disclosed her affair to me, which the therapist knew of prior to us all meeting and guided her in bringing it up. I felt “ganged up on” and it didn’t lead to a constructive session. She also went to a few individual therapy sessions already, and without going into excruciating detail, what she shared with me about the session made me feel the therapist did not prioritize our marriage leaving me feeling threatened. Am I being unreasonable to tell her I’m not a fan of the idea? It is not that I do not want her to get help. In fact, I did ask if she would feel comfortable using our couples therapy sessions for her individual questions/issues. She was not happy with this suggestion which then left me questioning what she would want to talk to a therapist about without my presence. Della, your post does make me rethink about this. I may let her know that she is free to go to individual therapy, but I would appreciate it if she waited until our marriage is more stable and trust is restored.

We certainly have discussed by now whether to continue to try or not. Both of us have our doubts and reservations, but are trying to work through it all day by day. Sometimes it is easy to get lost in all the issues, but we do try and keep God in the center of our relationship, looking to Him for guidance/answers.

It has not been discussed much to date, but divorce has come up as a possibility. As it is for most if not all cases, it is not all that straight-forward to sign papers because of this affair. I admit, I went into this marriage thinking 1) this doesn’t happen to couples like us and 2) if it somehow did happen I would stand by my values and it would be a dealbreaker. I stand before you now eating my own words.

Fortunately, we do not have any children as of yet. I can not imagine going through this with children.

Thank you all again and God bless.
 
Responding to a additional posts from paulrxp and phil19034.

paulrxp - I hear your message loud and clear. Forgiving is a daily act and I am more at peace now than before making this decision. Thank you for your thoughts.

phil19034 - not sure how your questions are relevant, but below is my response.
  1. yes we are both Catholic and married in the church
  2. no we did not live together
  3. no we currently are without kids
  4. I am 30 and she is 29
 
ewc115 said:
I agree she needs to get to the root of why she is unhappy. I believe part of it is due to resentment based on our past.
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Is there something significant that happened in the past that you thought she was ok with leading you to take her for granted? Honesty about the past can be a very healing thing even if the relationship doesn’t survive. Honesty is the key regardless of what the outcome is.
 
About individual therapy for your wife, you need to go to a good Catholic counselor. Call your diocese they can suggest some names. Secular counselors don’t have the good of ones soul as their first priority nor do they know or understand Catholic teaching. In order to heal your marriage your wife need more than psychological counseling–she needs spiritual guidance, as well. No Catholic counsel with his/her salt is going to “gang up” on a husband and make him the scapegoat for all your wife’s problems. I urge you to get the right help for your wife so that you both can be truly happy in your marriage. God bless you–you both have my prayers.
 
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