Please Help; Need eveyone's advice

[MusicVolunteer]

Hello and God bless you all

Question regarding: Me, my church, and the church choir…

I am having a dilemma and I need some good Catholic advice;

Some background info:. I am a Choir soloist at my Catholic Church. .I have held this position for 17 years, every Sunday singing and praying. For the last five years I have been the only soloist in the choir. Other soloists have come and gone for lack of commitment and wrong intentions, and I have stayed, not only devoting my self to the choir but to other Church duties. I have never considered stopping singing in the choir because I have been doing it since I was 5 years old, until now…

There is a lady that used to be in the choir but quit it after many disputes with choir members and the priest. Her main beef with the choir and the church was she wanted to sing solo songs despite her lack of singing ability and commitment to the choir. When she was told that she wont be singing any solo’s, she started singing solo’s with the Children’s Choir. The priest noticed this and told her to stay out of the Children’s Choir, to give the Children a chance to sing solos. After this, she caused a huge fuss and stopped going to church for the next 3 years. During those 3 years she was heard on many occasions, a couple that I heard with my own ears, bad mouthing the church and the priest. This lady has a reputation for being a huge gossiper so the bad mouthing reached a lot of people.

Recently she came back to the church, and the priest forgave her, and of all things, she was reinstated into the choir to a soloist position. A position that she never held in the first place nor is she qualified to sing solos! He did this without telling anyone in the choir, not the organ player, not the choir director he didn’t even ask any ones opinion. After all the things she said, she goes right to the top of the choir and becomes a soloist at my expense. The priest rules the church choir with a iron fist, it is a very undemocratic choir. I am having trouble deciding what I should do, because I don’t feel comfortable sharing my position with her after what she has done to my church and because of her bad singing. She makes the soloist position and the choir look trivial. I feel very betrayed that the priest would not even consult with me and he put me on the same level as her. She is not a very popular person in the church as a result of her actions, and it would reflect bad on our church choir.

What should I do in this case? She is not a good singer nor a positive person. Should I boycott the choir? Should I start attending another parish? If I tell the priest how I feel I don’t think it will help because he is a stubborn man and this lady is very manipulative and far more aggressive than I. I don’t think I can get my point across with her constant manipulation of the priest.

Please pray for me and offer advice

God bless you all!

 

[jmeyer3131]

I understand your frustration.

I guess it depends on why you’re in the choir. Is it because you like to sing? If that’s the main reason, and this woman takes away your enjoyment of it, then it might not be worth staying…

Obviously there are other ways you can (and do) serve. Some people, though, are blessed with musical gifts and feel called on to use them in service. If you are singing to serve God, you can serve him even better now by staying through these difficult times and being available for some of the solos.

 

[Carolinagirl411]

well first I would like to say that I can understand your frustration…it doesn’t seem fair…

I know a lot of people would say that God doesn’t care how well you sing as long as you are devoted…He only hears sweet music and therefore she should be allowed to sing regardless of ability…however…she seems to want to sing for all the wrong reasons and caused a lot of problems and negativity.

If I were in your position, and I’ve dealt with a lot of divas since we have a couple of them in our parish, try to approach the priest. He may be stubborn but you at least need to give him the chance. He may just tell you everyone deserves forgiveness and to exhibit charity. If he does do this and you do not feel comfortable then take a break from choir…if choir is something you love (and seems that you do) then offer up this irritation to Christ and sing your heart out to Him! View it as a chance to learn patience and humility…I know stereotypical Catholic response but sometimes it works

I will say this though, if this woman irritates you to the point where you might do or say something un Christian, you might want to step away. I’ve come quite close to doing that myself!

Best of luck, I really do feel your pain!!!

 

[MusicVolunteer]

Thank you

I think i fall under the second description, i have been told many times that i have tremendous gift and i enjoy singing at the church because i feel like thats the way what i was called to serve. Its just really hard to share position with an unqualified, unethical, mean person. I would gladly share my position with anyone else that shows love for the church and is qualified and i have done that before. But i am having a really hard time with this

thank you again for your advice, and i will keep it in mind, I feel like i should go to another church tomorrow.

 

[fbl9]

well first I would like to say that I can understand your frustration…it doesn’t seem fair…

I know a lot of people would say that God doesn’t care how well you sing as long as you are devoted…He only hears sweet music and therefore she should be allowed to sing regardless of ability…however…she seems to want to sing for all the wrong reasons and caused a lot of problems and negativity.

If I were in your position, and I’ve dealt with a lot of divas since we have a couple of them in our parish, try to approach the priest. He may be stubborn but you at least need to give him the chance. He may just tell you everyone deserves forgiveness and to exhibit charity. If he does do this and you do not feel comfortable then take a break from choir…if choir is something you love (and seems that you do) then offer up this irritation to Christ and sing your heart out to Him! View it as a chance to learn patience and humility…I know stereotypical Catholic response but sometimes it works

I will say this though, if this woman irritates you to the point where you might do or say something un Christian, you might want to step away. I’ve come quite close to doing that myself!

Best of luck, I really do feel your pain!!!

…first thing you forgive her also for the things she has done.give her a chance to become the singer she thinks she is.

 

[MusicVolunteer]

well first I would like to say that I can understand your frustration…it doesn’t seem fair…

I know a lot of people would say that God doesn’t care how well you sing as long as you are devoted…He only hears sweet music and therefore she should be allowed to sing regardless of ability…however…she seems to want to sing for all the wrong reasons and caused a lot of problems and negativity.

If I were in your position, and I’ve dealt with a lot of divas since we have a couple of them in our parish, try to approach the priest. He may be stubborn but you at least need to give him the chance. He may just tell you everyone deserves forgiveness and to exhibit charity. If he does do this and you do not feel comfortable then take a break from choir…if choir is something you love (and seems that you do) then offer up this irritation to Christ and sing your heart out to Him! View it as a chance to learn patience and humility…I know stereotypical Catholic response but sometimes it works

I will say this though, if this woman irritates you to the point where you might do or say something un Christian, you might want to step away. I’ve come quite close to doing that myself!

Best of luck, I really do feel your pain!!!

thanks for the advice, i really appreciate it. Thing is i feel really offended and it hurts to feel like im not appreciated after all these years . Im human so It’s really hard.

 

[jmeyer3131]

thanks for the advice, i really appreciate it. Thing is i feel really offended and it hurts to feel like im not appreciated after all these years . Im human so It’s really hard.

Yes, you are human. Thank goodness. Your emotions are probably part of what makes your singing so good. People with passion are always the best musically.

You don’t know why the priest did what he did, but it doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t appreciate you.

What do you think God wants you to do? I would suggest you try to discern what He wants vs what you want, and make your decision based on that.

Best of luck.

 

[puzzleannie]

since you ask
I never heard of, or was part of, a choir that was not ruled by someone (usually the director) with an iron fist, or that was in the least bit democratic.

your feelings are probably justified and certainly understandable.

if you, as she has done, allow this situation to affect your own spirituality and your own participation in the Mass, attitude toward the pastor, relationships with other choir members and parish leadership, and personal sense of self-worth, the lady has won, and Satan has won.

continue to sing in the choir if it gives you satisfaction and allows you to use your talents to praise God and assist in worship in your parish. If it now impedes your ability to participate in Mass as you ought, give it up.

this might be a good time for spiritual direction on your own to help you evaluate the importance of singing relative to your overall spiritual growth, and if you find that it has become necessary for you to sing, solo or as part of the choir, in order to feel fully part of the Mass, some serious rethinking is in order. What if, heaven forbid, something happened to you physically that prevented you from singing? would that impede your ability to participate in Mass? you would not I am sure ever wish to feel that however much you missed singing it would diminish the grace and glory of the Mass for you.

on the personal level, you are wise and honest in acknowledging your feelings, I think, and from past experience it sounds like this lady won’t be around long. she is sure to get offended, or offend others enough, that she will get in another huff and leave. If in the meantime you have acted with good grace, and used your gifts as God intended, all will be well. If you have allowed this to affect your own peace of mind, only you will be hurt, it won’t bother her in the least.

 

[Nom_the_Wise]

For the last five years I have been the only soloist in the choir. Other soloists have come and gone for lack of commitment…and I have stayed, not only devoting my self to the choir but to other Church duties…
…There is a lady that used to be in the choir but quit it after many disputes with choir members and the priest…After this, she caused a huge fuss and stopped going to church for the next 3 years. During those 3 years she was heard on many occasions, a couple that I heard with my own ears, bad mouthing the church and the priest.
Recently she came back to the church, and the priest forgave her, and of all things, she was reinstated into the choir to a soloist position. A position that she never held in the first place nor is she qualified to sing solos!
I am having trouble deciding what I should do, because I don’t feel comfortable sharing my position with her after what she has done to my church and because of her bad singing.

Wow. You are living the parables. This is the Gospel come to life. You are smack-dab in the middle of The Prodigal Son parable . And you’re the son that stayed. That might sound like I’m handing you a plate of cheese, but point-for-point your situation matches up to the parable. How exciting!

Your complaints seem justified, but now that the “Prodigal son” has returned, and father has killed the fatted calf for “him” you are in the un-enviable position of being “off-script.” How did the prodigal and the son-that-stayed get along when the parable was over?

It’s never fun when the prodigal returns. We bitterly remember all the extra things we had to do when he was gone, doing his chores, picking up the extra slack of that good-for-nothing. He never was particularly helpful when he was here, so good riddance! There he is, off doing sinful things in foriegn lands, cavorting with lascivious women spending dad’s money–very real sinful things. But then he comes back and gets a feast!

But what does dad say “This is my son! He was lost and now he is found!” I am a musician and have directed a choir before, and poor singers need training! Most parishes across the globe, I’m sure, have to deal with at least one tone deaf cantor. But church is prayer, not a concert. It certainly sounds like you both have a severe case of pride, though yours sounds warrented. You just have to be the bigger person. Take her under your wing. Train her. Oh, how hard that will be! I know. You’ve probably already tried that with little success. **Don’t you DARE leave because of her. **That’s like becoming the prodigal son yourself. Don’t take your ball and go home. I mean, how bad is she? Unredeemably tone deaf? Somehow I doubt it. I bet she’s really pitchy–comes close but barely hits the note? You’ve got to train her. If she gets snippy about being challenged to improve, maybe you’ll get lucky and she’ll leave again

 

[Kathrin]

Let me first say that I understand your frustration too, and I realize that you are very fond of the choir and the quality of the music is important to you.
Which is wonderful!

Still, this is actually also a wonderful story of forgiveness. As weird it may seem to some people, the priest really lived the gospel here. I love it how he forgave the woman! This is an example we could all follow, and the world would be a much better place. When it comes down to the very core of it all, this story and the priest’s forgiveness could do a lot for the spirituality of a lot of people.
I can feel you still hold a lot of anger ftoward the woman. Which is understandable. What helps of course is praying. And putting yourself in the other’s situation.

Which doesn’t make it right that she wanted to kind of “intrude” into the choir’s solo position etc, but forgiveness… is so beautiful.

Which of course still leaves the technical stuff. That the choir needs a good soloist. But maybe forgiveness should come first - and then you’ll all be able to talk about it without resentments, and maybe find a solution?

 

[Marysann]

I don’t know if I can help you, but please bear with my comments. I began singing in church choirs in 1958, have a degree in voice, and have sung professionally so I have a lot of experience with choirs, Catholic and Protestant, professional and volunteer. I hope that you holy and devout church musicians out there won’t take offense, but we always joked that your aren’t going to find many Christians in the choir! If you are good you have to be careful in the parking lot, to protect yourself from being run over by jealous choir members! Our Holy Father has cautioned us against turning music at Mass into a performance. Why do you have so many solos? When we bring back the chant this won’t be so much of a problem. In a way I feel sorry for this poor woman. The church is the only place she can sing. I am sure that she is unable to get roles in the local community theater’s musicals or with the local amateur opera company or solos when the community chorus performs the Messiah. If the parish has a volunteer choir, it is difficult to turn anyone away so you are stuck. If she is as bad as you say, I am sure that the choir master will not program too many solos for her voice part, or that people who don’t known anything about the politics of the choir will make remarks to the pastor. If I were you and I had an attachment to this particular parish, I would stay as long as I could (without getting an ulcer), be charitable and helpful (so that you won’t be blamed when she self-destructs if you can’t yet do it for Christian reasons), and find another musical outlet outside of this church choir. I would also pray very hard for this poor woman, because she seems to really need it.

 

[Newbie2]

Share the position with her. I understand that it’s frustrating, but methinks that the suggestion that sooner or later she’ll get PO’d about something an leave again is probably correct.

And if she’s as bad and you’re as good as you say, someone is bound to speak up in your favor sooner or later.

Kudos to the Prodigal (daughter)!

 

[Maxply]

I’m in a little rock band, and we kind of share the same problem. I’d say, make a tape and have her listen to herself. Put on a professional version of the song on the tape just before her rendition.

 

[Christy_Beth]

Like the others, I understand your frustration. On the human side, I’d be tempted to give a piece of my mind to the priest. Also, talk with the choir director. Does he have any say in this?

I know that my feelings have been hurt a lot. Oh, I remember one time with my daughter. She was about 3 or 4 at the time. Well, the kids were putting on a christmas show. She got stuck with the older kids to sing “Go tell it on the mountain.” At first I didn’t have much problem with this. Until the show was going on and I found out all the other kids her age were sheep who didn’t have to say, or sing, anything. Talk about being upset!!

Talk to the priest and ask why this happened this way. Let him know how you feel about it. It could be a part of your confession. But,seriously, let your feelings be made known.

 

[luvlife]

I really like the prodical son analogy.

While I can totally understand how you’d feel, I think you should try, through prayer, to find it in your heart to be happy that this woman has come back. (I once was lost but now I’m found…)

The Priest knows the whole story - if he felt she should sing, so be it. End of story.

None of us are perfect - this woman’s flaws might be more visable than yours or mine - but we all need God’s grace & the forgiveness of others when we fall short.

I wish I could sing. What a wonderful gift God gave you! Don’t stop using it to His glory because some other woman gets to sing a solo also.

 

[drafdog]

The woman in some fashion needs to have the attention that being a soloist affords her. Let her be *the *soloist. Gracefully bow out and let her have all the solos. Talk to the music minister and be sure he/she understands that you are letting Father and the new soloist have full rein. Decline all offers of solo parts in deference to her.
She will soon tire of having all the work. She will be compelled to be at extra rehearsals for her solo work. She will be at all Masses where the choir sings. Trust me; it won’t be long before she drops out. Be prepared for her complaints about you and the choir and the choir director for months after she quits because she was made to do all the work.

Matthew

 

[Nom_the_Wise]

I’m in a little rock band, and we kind of share the same problem. I’d say, make a tape and have her listen to herself. Put on a professional version of the song on the tape just before her rendition.

**An excellent, constructive suggestion! **Wish I had thought of it.

 

[Nom_the_Wise]

I hope that you holy and devout church musicians out there won’t take offense, but we always joked that your aren’t going to find many Christians in the choir!

No offense at all from me!

Our Holy Father has cautioned us against turning music at Mass into a performance.

Boom shaka-laka, Boom shaka-laka, Boom shaka-laka, Boom!

 

[beckycmarie]

Music Volunteer,

I’ve been a cantor myself for about 16 years, so I know all about the drama that can go on among choir loft prima donnas.

I think you’ve been handed an opportunity to practice forgiveness, patience, and humility by continuing on in the choir accepting God’s will in this situation. This whole thing sounds like a test to me. The worst thing to do is respond to another’s over-the-top pride with more pride on your part.

God always makes lemonade from lemons if you let Him.

Perhaps by setting the example of how to behave as a member of the choir, some of that obedience and humility will rub off on the newly appointed soloist.