Please Help! Relationship Advice

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Phillipskid

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Hello, I am wondering what relationship advice you guys might offer an early twenties college student who has been in a relationship for a year and a half. I’ll give you the basics: The first few months were amazing. It is a long-distance relationship, so we got to know each other really well without the physical distractions. Then we started arguing alot. Our arguments never last more than a few hours and I can only remember once going to bed without solving the issue. It seems like we argue all the time, about little things and big things too. I tend to be very dramatic, so especially when I am tired, things blow up quickly. I will tell my best friend and/or mom, and I always find myself excusing his behavior, excusing why he hurt my feelings, or excusing whatever it was that he said. Every once in a while one or the other will try to break up, but somehow (probably God’s graces???) we are given the patience and the love to talk the other person out of a breakup. Here’s the problem: I love him very much, but I’m getting tired of the fighting. I’m tired of excusing him to my family and friends, and I’m tired of the distance. I know if we break up, I will be broken for months, at least, and I know he will too (as well as both our families). I don’t know what to do anymore and the more I pray, it seems the longer we stay together, it just doesn’t make sense that I’ve become tired of it all. Please help me.
 
If you don’t see a future with him, then just break up.

Yes, it will hurt, but it will hurt more if you stay and continue making yourself miserable.

There are people you’ll date who are “right at the time”, but aren’t “right forever”.

I was never a good dater and I wish that someone could have told me this.

If you want to be together, then be together. Being together long-distance w/no plans to be together in the future makes no sense.

I know a couple who got together just before she started grad school in Detroit. He lived in Columbus. They made an effort to see each other on weekends, they talked, e-mailed, etc. After her grad program, she moved down to Columbus for work because that’s where he also worked. However, he did try finding work in Detroit. She just got her job down there first, so that’s where they made their home. However, they worked really hard on the relationship and eventually decided to get married. It did take a toll on them emotionally and physically because of the distance issues.

It makes perfect sense that you are tired of “all of it”. Anyone who’s been in a long-distance relationship knows that they aren’t easy.
 
Thank you, my intention for this relationship was for us to get married, I guess I just don’t know when to let go, especially since there is nothing/no one waiting for me. Also, he’s recently battling depression and it feels wrong for me to leave him. :confused:
 
Phillipskid said:
Hello, I am wondering what relationship advice you guys might offer an early twenties college student who has been in a relationship for a year and a half. I’ll give you the basics: The first few months were amazing. It is a long-distance relationship, so we got to know each other really well without the physical distractions. Then we started arguing alot. Our arguments never last more than a few hours and I can only remember once going to bed without solving the issue. It seems like we argue all the time, about little things and big things too. I tend to be very dramatic, so especially when I am tired, things blow up quickly. I will tell my best friend and/or mom, and I always find myself excusing his behavior, excusing why he hurt my feelings, or excusing whatever it was that he said. Every once in a while one or the other will try to break up, but somehow (probably God’s graces???) we are given the patience and the love to talk the other person out of a breakup. Here’s the problem: I love him very much, but I’m getting tired of the fighting. I’m tired of excusing him to my family and friends, and I’m tired of the distance. I know if we break up, I will be broken for months, at least, and I know he will too (as well as both our families). I don’t know what to do anymore and the more I pray, it seems the longer we stay together, it just doesn’t make sense that I’ve become tired of it all. Please help me.
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It shouldn’t be this hard at this stage in your relationship. People who are long distance shouldn’t be fighting all the time, especially for “hours.”

Also, how much time have you guys actually spent within the same zip code? How far apart are you geographically?

Here’s my advice:
  1. break up
  2. date people within an hour of your location
  3. learn to de-dramify your interactions with other people. Short term, I’m sure it makes you more “interesting” to have a relationship with and perhaps makes you more attractive to men. Long term, it will poison your relationships and destroy the happiness of your future family. Maybe work with a therapist on this?
  4. Also, the clock starts on you having a relationship when you meet in person. You aren’t dating until you actually meet.
Best wishes!
 
Phillipskid said:
Thank you, my intention for this relationship was for us to get married, I guess I just don’t know when to let go, especially since there is nothing/no one waiting for me. Also, he’s recently battling depression and it feels wrong for me to leave him. :confused:
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Let go now.

A local girlfriend would do him a lot more good.

Also, all this fighting is not helping him.

He started this recent bout with depression WHILE dating you, so you are obviously not the magic pill that is going to save him from depression, especially when you are long distance.

Best wishes!
 
I think you have been given some great advice…and remember, not having someone else waiting in the wings is no reason to keep a bad relationship going…
 
During the school year he’s 13 hours away, and during breaks he is 3.5 hours away. We see each other about 6 or 7 times a year.

Why won’t God change my heart (I’ve been praying and praying and praying about it) if we aren’t meant to be together anymore?
 
Arguing this much this early in your relationship is not a good sign. If you argue this much now, that is very likely to continue on for as long as you are together. Do not think that things will magically change on that front if you two got married.

Break ups are hard. Especially with being together a year and a half. But it’s not going to get any easier if you prolong it. It will only get more painful and you will be filled with regret over wasting more time trying to fix something that just isn’t working.
 
For future reference when you are seeing somebody else:
  1. Don’t argue when you’re tired. Agree to talk later.
  2. When you’re seeing somebody else, keep your disagreements between you and him, except in the case of abusive behavior, in which case, definitely seek outside counsel. But if you are in a functional relationship, you shouldn’t be dragging your mom or your friends into the middle of your relationship. If it’s somebody you have a future with, settle arguments “in house,” or with the advice of somebody with confidentiality obligations that you aren’t trapped with for life (a pastor or counselor, for instance).
Philippskid said:

“Why won’t God change my heart (I’ve been praying and praying and praying about it) if we aren’t meant to be together anymore?”

God will change your heart AFTER you break up and put ample space between you and your boyfriend–no calls, no texts, seeing new people, throwing yourself into new activities, etc. It might take a couple years to get over him. That sounds terrible, but you’re quite young and you have lots of time to meet somebody that you can have a better relationship with. The post-college world is often a lot easier than college for dating–for one thing, there are 3 girls for every 2 boys on a lot of campuses, which leads to a lot of miseries.

Maybe work with college counseling once you’re back at school?
 
I guess it is inevitable. What are your opinions on being friends after a breakup? I understand that if it’s possible at all, it won’t be for a couple years, at least.

Also, any break-up advice?
I REALLY don’t want to do this 😦
 
Phillipskid said:
I guess it is inevitable. What are your opinions on being friends after a breakup? I understand that if it’s possible at all, it won’t be for a couple years, at least.

Also, any break-up advice?
I REALLY don’t want to do this 😦
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I’ve been in your position.

Be firm, clear, and consistent. Yes, it absolutely stinks. But what’s worse is dragging out the inevitable. It took me almost six months to break up with a long-distance boyfriend for good. For a while, I had to halt all contact with him because he would insist we had to get back together (and for too long, I listened even though I knew it wasn’t the right thing to do.)

We are not friends now, but I think we would be friendly if we saw each other. For a while, we were friends on Facebook, but that just invited too much drama (he complained about my wedding photos).

I would focus on building your social network where you live. In person. Find people who like the same hobbies you do. Get active volunteering. Not even necessarily to find someone to date, but just so you can feel comfortable where you are. I found the familiarity of the bad relationship was what I really wanted, not the relationship itself. So making home be at home, rather than several hours away, was what I needed to recover.
 
Phillipskid said:
I guess it is inevitable. What are your opinions on being friends after a breakup? I understand that if it’s possible at all, it won’t be for a couple years, at least.

Also, any break-up advice?
I REALLY don’t want to do this 😦
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In my experience, friendship after a break up just wasn’t possible. If it is to be possible, as you said, it will take time.

I think clean breaks are best. When you break up, but then still talk, hangout, etc., it gets very confusing, particularly for the person who has been broken up with. They start to think that getting back together is probable, if not inevitable (or maybe that was just me :o).

I’ve never been the one who initiated a breakup, but I would say you simply need to hold fast to your resolve. If you are going to do it, just do it and allow both of you to begin to move on. Don’t get drawn back in to reconsidering what you have decided just because the breakup itself gets painful and awkward. Prolonging the inevitable only makes it harder.
 
Phillipskid said:
I guess it is inevitable. What are your opinions on being friends after a breakup? I understand that if it’s possible at all, it won’t be for a couple years, at least.

Also, any break-up advice?
I REALLY don’t want to do this 😦
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not saying you have to loathe this guy, but you have to let go. You can’t “just be friends” because you thought it was much more, and your mind and heart will forever be colored by this. View him through the lens of
  1. in the past
  2. not “the one”
  3. glad I didn’t make a huge mistake just when my adult life was just beginning.
It’s only going to hurt much more than it has to if you hang on.
At least you found out no, and not after a few children.
God has something better for you…be patient.
 
I’m afraid that I’m just being selfish or something and what if I make the wrong decision?
 
Phillipskid said:
I’m afraid that I’m just being selfish or something and what if I make the wrong decision?
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Obviously, it s difficult to tell these things over the internet, but from what you have written, it seems you are not at peace with the relationship. Don’t overlook the significance of that. God wants you to be at peace. He doesn’t want you agitated and arguing all the time.

Of course, you want to take it to prayer. Spend time in front of the Blessed Sacrament. Perhaps you can also talk to your priest as he would make an impartial third party to bounce things off of.
 
Phillipskid, breaking up is never easy, but…:
  1. Don’t overthink it; and
  2. Don’t plan to “stay friends.” He won’t want to, and neither should you; and
  3. Keep the breakup short; and
  4. Close the door. When it’s over, it’s over.
You asked, “Why won’t God change my heart?” Perhaps He has already, by letting you know in your heart that you need to break up.

You’re probably too young to know who Nick Lowe is: He sang, “You gotta be cruel to be kind,” and I happen to think he’s correct (although we never want to be deliberately cruel, of course.)
 
Phillipskid said:
Thank you, my intention for this relationship was for us to get married, I guess I just don’t know when to let go, especially since there is nothing/no one waiting for me. Also, he’s recently battling depression and it feels wrong for me to leave him. :confused:
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Feeling sorry for him and wanting to mother and help him through his depression is not a foundation for a healthy relationship, and certainly not marriage. I think you know that is not the guy for you spend the rest of your life, that you should end it and cut off all contact as soon as possible. You will feel terrible for a while, but it will pass and God will send you someone else, when you are ready.
 
Catholic1954 said:
Feeling sorry for him and wanting to mother and help him through his depression is not a foundation for a healthy relationship, and certainly not marriage. I think you know that is not the guy for you spend the rest of your life, that you should end it and cut off all contact as soon as possible. You will feel terrible for a while, but it will pass and God will send you someone else, when you are ready.
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This**.
Also, YOUR intention was to get married. not necessarily his.
Your plan didn’t work out. Let it go. Jesus will guide you in the correct path, no matter what. If he is battling depression maybe he doesn’t know how to tell you he wants to break it off?
You both need to cool down, and walk away. It’s time, I think you know it in your heart.
Trust God. You can’t go wrong if you trust God.
Peace.
 
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