Please help save my marriage

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MJS2011

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hi, I read this forum a lot and get a lot of help and inspiration feom here, so now when I have a problem I decided to ask you for help. there are two parts to my problem.

one is my marriage. (this may be a TMI so if you dont want to go on, please quit here.) I am 25 years old and my husband is 28. we met almost 10 years ago, and married 4 years ago. we have a 2 year old son. we have been married in church and did not have sex before marriage. and now the sex is our problem. I feel that my husband does not love me that way. let me start from the beginning. on our wedding night we tried to make love but I was hurting bad and we stopped. and nothing happend for a long time (no intercourse) after 6 months I asked why and we did that night. and we were going on for a couple days or weeks and they he asked me if we should try for a baby so we did. we conceived first cycle and then we lost the baby at 6 weeks. the doctor said if we want to we can try again in 2 months. we did not have sex for those 3 months, tried again and got pregnant the first cycle again. I felt bad (nausia) so no sex again and and then we did have sex few times before 20 week scan which showed problems with pregnancy which also has stopped our sex life because we were too worried abut our baby. I was coming close to mu due date and our doctor suggested that sex might induce the labor so we did have lots of it the last days of pregnancy and the after baby was born (healthy) we didnt try until 4 months postpartum, but that was wayyyy too painful so we stopped and tried again in another 4 months. since then we have sex for a couple of days thn have a break for a couple of month and so on. I dont know what to think about it, I feel like he doesn’t want to have sex with me, only has when I cry telling him I don’t feel loved or something. I also do not iniciate it because I feel so bad about myself and that I always have to ask for it I want him to iniciate it. he is a very sweet man he is so good to me otherwise but this sex thing is not working out for me. and to me it is a very important part of a marriage and it seems it is ot to him. if I try talking to him about it he says that ofcourse he loves me and that he needs me and that he can show me, but then I don’t want it then. I want him to want me on his own. what should I do?

another one is about my faith. I was born and raised a catholic, I go to mass weekly and pray daily. but recently I have been thinking and really I don’t really know much abouth my religion. I weel that in my church the priest always talks about love for god, about holly spirit and and everything that does not apply to real life. he never talks about people’s problems, abot family life and such. wo I feel like I am not connected to the church, bot a part of it. I go, lithen but don’t really know how to apply it to real life. I would want us (my husband and I) to try some counceling, and I was thinking about talking with a priest. but I don’t know one that would be suitable for such a talk. I want to deepen my faith but don’t know where to start. please help me fing some books that would explain things in a simple way, and that would help my marriage to survive. if you have gotthen this fa thanks for reading.
 
A working “sex-life” is important and belong to a marriage, and most of us have a need for sex, which is not bad nor abnormal.

I did understand that your problem is pain when you have sex? Maybe your husband don’t want to do something that hurt. I would not have sex if it would hurt my spouse. There are however many ways to show affection so sex is not the only way. It might not be as nice as sex can be, but better then nothing. We men often think that if we cuddle and kiss the woman will think: “OK, he want sex, better give him it”. But that is not true. Many men, me included, well, I am divorced so no more of that stuff, are happy and feeling good just by being close to our loved one. To put it short and sweet, sex is not all and everything, love is, and love is something we can show in many ways.

I am not a expert on this, guess I would be still married if I would be, but I think you should talk with your husband. No tears, that will most likely increase his confusion so tell him what you want and what you don’t. And listen to what he say.

Personally from what I did gather reading your post I don’t think your marriage is in jeopardy as long as you keep on talking, and listen. God bless you.
 
As someone who’s never been married I don’t think I could be of much help with regards to the problem you’re facing in your marriage, but I can definitely relate to the second problem you brought up.
The past few years I’ve been trying to work my way back to the Church (born and raised Catholic, 12 years of Catholic school included), learning and re-learning so many things, it can get very intimidating.

Since you asked about books, I know many of the good people here on the forum would be able to point out good books for you to read, as for me, when I started out I really found C.S Lewis’ Mere Christianity to be very helpful. It’s not specific to the Church and its teachings but as the title says, Christianity in general, but it touches on the most basic things like; why it actually makes sense to believe that there is a God and why Christianity rather than other religions.

When I started out I asked for help here in this forum as well, and many people pointed out that, as important as it is to read/try to learn church teachings (like through the Catechism of the Catholic Church), it’s probably even more crucial to start from within, through daily prayer, going to Mass, regular confession, reading the Bible daily, basically trying to bring yourself closer to God. From there, I’ve found things could get complicated and overwhelming if you attempt to figure out too much all at once (especially with Apologetics, I still can’t troll in those forums any longer than a few minutes because it makes my eyes go round and round) - so try to find what works for you; it could be learning Church teachings through bible study, trying to read through the CCC, or maybe you already have a list of questions in mind of things related to the church that you’re not familiar with and want to know more about in which case you could start your own Q&A and search the forums here or else where online for answers to those questions.
I’ve basically been doing a little bit of all of the above and try to pace myself so I don’t get too overwhelmed with the amount of information there is.

Hope this helps a bit. And I’m very sorry to hear about how you’re feeling in your marriage, I will offer a prayer for you and your family.

God bless,
~Theresia
 
MJS2011 said:
hi, I read this forum a lot and get a lot of help and inspiration feom here, so now when I have a problem I decided to ask you for help. there are two parts to my problem.

one is my marriage. (this may be a TMI so if you dont want to go on, please quit here.) I am 25 years old and my husband is 28. we met almost 10 years ago, and married 4 years ago. we have a 2 year old son. we have been married in church and did not have sex before marriage. and now the sex is our problem. I feel that my husband does not love me that way. let me start from the beginning. on our wedding night we tried to make love but I was hurting bad and we stopped. and nothing happend for a long time (no intercourse) after 6 months I asked why and we did that night. and we were going on for a couple days or weeks and they he asked me if we should try for a baby so we did. we conceived first cycle and then we lost the baby at 6 weeks. the doctor said if we want to we can try again in 2 months. we did not have sex for those 3 months, tried again and got pregnant the first cycle again. I felt bad (nausia) so no sex again and and then we did have sex few times before 20 week scan which showed problems with pregnancy which also has stopped our sex life because we were too worried abut our baby. I was coming close to mu due date and our doctor suggested that sex might induce the labor so we did have lots of it the last days of pregnancy and the after baby was born (healthy) we didnt try until 4 months postpartum, but that was wayyyy too painful so we stopped and tried again in another 4 months. since then we have sex for a couple of days thn have a break for a couple of month and so on. I dont know what to think about it, I feel like he doesn’t want to have sex with me, only has when I cry telling him I don’t feel loved or something. I also do not iniciate it because I feel so bad about myself and that I always have to ask for it I want him to iniciate it. he is a very sweet man he is so good to me otherwise but this sex thing is not working out for me. and to me it is a very important part of a marriage and it seems it is ot to him. if I try talking to him about it he says that ofcourse he loves me and that he needs me and that he can show me, but then I don’t want it then. I want him to want me on his own. what should I do?

another one is about my faith. I was born and raised a catholic, I go to mass weekly and pray daily. but recently I have been thinking and really I don’t really know much abouth my religion. I weel that in my church the priest always talks about love for god, about holly spirit and and everything that does not apply to real life. he never talks about people’s problems, abot family life and such. wo I feel like I am not connected to the church, bot a part of it. I go, lithen but don’t really know how to apply it to real life. I would want us (my husband and I) to try some counceling, and I was thinking about talking with a priest. but I don’t know one that would be suitable for such a talk. I want to deepen my faith but don’t know where to start. please help me fing some books that would explain things in a simple way, and that would help my marriage to survive. if you have gotthen this fa thanks for reading.
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Since it having sex hurt you the first time, your husband may be waiting for you to initiate it because he doesn’t want to hurt you. He’s waiting for you to tell him you want to have sex because if he initiates it, he would be asking for something that hurts you.

Sounds like a communication break down. Sit down together and talk about it. It may be very simple to resolve.

Try reading books about the Catholic Faith. Watching programs on EWTN may also be beneficial.
 
it only hurt the first time and first time after the baby. so it is not it. I agree, we have some communication issues, especially when it comes to talking about sex. I don’t feel comfortable talking to him about it, psobably because I don’t feel as close to him as I would want to be and that is because of lack of closeness between us. I always try to just talk to him abut it but I get emotional and start crying. it hurts me bad that he has no desire for me. also there is this thing, that I want sex, but I dont want to have sex with him anymore, because he hurt me for so long, that I don’t think I could even enjoy it with him, knowing he doesnt even one it, or that he would just do it to make me happy. It would not. I don’t know, maybe I am the problem…

And thank you for your sources to deepen my faith, I will look into those.
 
With regards to sex in your marriage, I wish more people like you would share their stories. Here is a downward spiral I see often (and have experienced) which sounds a lot like your story:
  1. Good Catholics wait for sex until marriage
  2. 20+ years of sexual expectations are piled onto the wedding night and honeymoon
  3. 20+ years of sexual inexperience do not vanish with the profession of vows
  4. The first sexual experiences do not come close to expectations
  5. Future sexual experiences are doubly burdened - first by the original pressure to have a healthy sexual relationship that the couple wanted in the first place, and second by the perception that something is “wrong” in the marriage and needs to be fixed.
  6. The additional pressure leads to long gaps in sexual encounters and increases emotional obstacles to sex
  7. Repeat 5 and 6.
    I don’t have a magic formula to break the cycle. I recommend taking your struggles to Christ in adoration before the Tabernacle at your church. Advent or Lent are great times to get yourself in the habit of visiting church regularly on weekdays, even for just a few minutes. When I was in your situation, prayer didn’t fix it, but it did give me a strong sense of peace about it, a sense that every encounter with my spouse is a gift. It also reminded me that God sees way more of the picture than I do, and helped me trust that, as long as I entrusted my marriage to Him, He could be trusted to do what is best for us.
 
MJS2011 said:
another one is about my faith. I was born and raised a catholic, I go to mass weekly and pray daily. but recently I have been thinking and really I don’t really know much abouth my religion. I weel that in my church the priest always talks about love for god, about holly spirit and and everything that does not apply to real life. he never talks about people’s problems, abot family life and such. wo I feel like I am not connected to the church, bot a part of it. I go, lithen but don’t really know how to apply it to real life. I would want us (my husband and I) to try some counceling, and I was thinking about talking with a priest. but I don’t know one that would be suitable for such a talk. I want to deepen my faith but don’t know where to start. please help me fing some books that would explain things in a simple way, and that would help my marriage to survive. if you have gotthen this fa thanks for reading.
Click to expand...
Getting involved at my parish outside of weekly Mass was HUGE for my faith journey in college and in the years afterwards. I got involved with CCD (Sunday School, catechism class, faith formation, whatever you want to call it) at my parish in college simply because they couldn’t get enough volunteers to teach it. I had a poor understanding of my faith and zero teaching experience. It was tremendous - it forced me to commit to learning a little piece of my faith well enough to explain it to others every week. I had to think about why that little piece of faith was important and relevant to me. At the end of the first year, I had a little more knowledge and a lot more ownership of my Catholic faith, and I’m still teaching CCD almost 9 years later.

Whether it’s CCD or not, there are hopefully many opportunities at your parish to make your faith your own. Getting involved as an RCIA sponsor would also be good. If your parish has some kind of ministry that aligns well with your own interests outside of church (music, cooking, reading, etc.), I hope you will pursue them. Easier said than done with a two year old, I know, but the time commitment for these things is not usually large.

I find your whole situation inspiring. Your words describe you as hurting, lonely, sad, and uncertain, but you keep going forward in your marriage for no other reason than your love for your husband. Jesus Christ was hurt, alone, sad, and uncertain about what was happening to Him when he walked to Calvary, but he did it for no other reason than his love for you and me. Your story is a perfect picture of why marriage really exists: for spouses to reveal Christ to each other and the people around them.
 
Monicad and Fogwalker, thank you for your sesponses. those two really opened my eyes to see that our love is stronger than I thought, and yes, real life is nowhere neer our expectations and our dreams. My husband always says that I mean everything to him, that I make him happy, but I was stuck in that plase and could not see it, and I could not see his love towards me, but now I know that just because he doesn’t love me the way I expected him to do, doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me with all his heart. thank you so much again.
 
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