Please help...trouble with 13 year old and questioning of faith

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mamaloves3

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Hello,
I am new here and hope I am posting in the right place. I am Catholic, raised Catholic, and so is my husband. We have 3 children 13, 11, and 10. All have been baptized Catholic and received First Holy Communion. We have been very active in our church and attend fairly regularly. Recently, we are having trouble with our oldest son. He is starting to question his faith and is becoming rebelluous to going to church. He is telling us that he is not sure he wants to continue being Catholic. This is very upsetting to my husband and me. We’re not sure what to do. He is fighting with us about going to church and now telling us that he doesn’t believe in God. He went with us to mass begrugingly, and didn’t participate in any part of the mass, other than communion. I am so upset. He is questioning his faith and says that we are forcing him to be Catholic and go to church. I was tearful in mass today and prayed for him. He was crying in the car on the way and saying, “I don’t believe in God!”. We are telling him that until he is 18, he WILL be raised Catholic and go to church with us as a family. He thinks we are violating his freedom of choice. Please advise. Anyone here experienced with teens and rebelling against going to church? Thank you so much! It’s been so upsetting. 😦
Connie
 
I think at that age you have to approach it in a way that makes them want to do it instead of telling them that they are going to.

Now… as to how to do that. ha! Who knows. I know that I always had to reach a decision on my own.

Just tell him that he’s obligated to be physically present with the family until he is a certain age but he’s missing out on what incredible privilege he has in life if he doesn’t listen to God who is speaking to so many who can hear it. Some people have to find it on their own like me later on in life with RCIA.
 
First of all I would like to offer you my sincere apology for what is going on with your son. I will pray your situation with him improves.

To answer your question, you’re doing the right thing by making your son go to a Catholic Church. It’s a mortal sin to doubt God’s existance, and I think you should make that clear to him and try to get to the bottom of the problem before the situation gets worse and he tries to convince your other sons that God does not exist. As his mother, you have every right to tell him what faith he should be. He may have a freedom of choice but obviously you can’t let him go down the dangerous path he’s about to take. I recommend asking him WHY he doesn’t want to attend Church and why he doubts God’s existance. From there you can figure out what to do. Above all, pray that he comes to his senses.

God Bless.
 
mamaloves3 said:
Hello,
I am new here and hope I am posting in the right place. I am Catholic, raised Catholic, and so is my husband. We have 3 children 13, 11, and 10. All have been baptized Catholic and received First Holy Communion. We have been very active in our church and attend fairly regularly. Recently, we are having trouble with our oldest son. He is starting to question his faith and is becoming rebelluous to going to church. He is telling us that he is not sure he wants to continue being Catholic. This is very upsetting to my husband and me. We’re not sure what to do. He is fighting with us about going to church and now telling us that he doesn’t believe in God. He went with us to mass begrugingly, and didn’t participate in any part of the mass, other than communion. I am so upset. He is questioning his faith and says that we are forcing him to be Catholic and go to church. I was tearful in mass today and prayed for him. He was crying in the car on the way and saying, “I don’t believe in God!”. We are telling him that until he is 18, he WILL be raised Catholic and go to church with us as a family. He thinks we are violating his freedom of choice. Please advise. Anyone here experienced with teens and rebelling against going to church? Thank you so much! It’s been so upsetting. 😦
Connie
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What does he think he would be doing by himself at home while the rest of the family is away at Mass? Tell him that you respect that he no longer believes in God, but he still has to come to Mass with the rest of the family, rather than be left home by himself.

Tell him that if he sincerely does not believe in God, he should not be receiving Holy Communion. He should, however, be paying close attention to the prayers and to the homily, since even if he ends up to be an atheist, this is still part of his cultural education. Even atheists have to be familiar with “the Jesus story.” 🙂

Get him a notebook and have him write notes while he’s listening to the homily, and ask him to annotate his notes with commentary of his own explaining exactly what he disagrees with, and why. This will help you to get to the root of what’s bothering him, and help you to discuss it with him in the light of the teachings of the Church. Do not let him get away with comments like “that’s dumb.” He has to explain to you what is dumb, and what he considers a more thoughtful alternative to be.
 
Sorry kid, 13 year olds do not have freedom of choice. My daughter was told that until she turned 18 and as long as she lived in our house, she would continue going to Mass with us and be Confirmed. The RCIA is full of reverts who dropped out at young age and spent a lifetime looking for God, who was in their own backyard all the time. Have you checked out the youth program in your parish? A good youth program can go a long way to support the youth and keep them involved.
 
He’s getting this ideas from somewhere. Otherwise he wouldn’t be so bold and challenging about it, he’d just be silently suffering in doubt and misery (me just over a year ago.)

He NEEDS to keep going to Mass. Otherwise it will be harder for God to draw him back in. That’s literally all that saved me, I never stopped going to Mass. Then God spoke up one day and reminded me, the shocked doubter, that I needed to go to confession and start all over again :o

I would keep praying, and make sure to react in bland, unemotional ways to his childish whining (and if you do react, make sure he catches the drift of how immature he’s acting). A kid in my parish acted like this a while ago, the moment I said, how dare you say those things, and treated him like a whining child, he stopped talking like that. Harsh, but he caught on.

Try having your priest over more. You never know, your son might get an interesting conversation started (and he’d be more likely to take the priest seriously!).
 
Could it be that something else is going on, that it may not have anything to do with going to mass or his believing at all? Could it be he just chose the one thing he knew would get the most attention? I just wonder if his rebelling so suddenly and with such force, is actually covering up another issue that he’s really struggling with and just doesn’t know how to ask for the help he needs.
 
I would look for the root of this problem. I strongly suspect that the educational system, which for the most part has been hijacked by Human Secularists (almost all the humanities professors in our universities are, for all intents and purposes, atheistic Marxists, and they have also hijacked the departments of education). This all started about three centuries ago with the Enlightenment project, which was an attempt to form a society without God. It gave rise to Marxism, socialism, Communism, human secularism, etc. They’ve had a very effective strategy in our country. Get control over the educational system and train the teachers to train the students to think like Marxists. Then, take over the media. Then take over the government. It’s worked very, very well. Our puny efforts to keep our kids Catholic pale in comparison to the organized effort of the enemy.

You might listen to the two talks at the following links (MP3 files):

alabamacatholicresources.com/Downloads/Catholic_School_Identity_Crisis_A.mp3

[长治丝网有限公司](临沂通用设备制造有限公司)
 
mamaloves3 said:
Hello,
I am new here and hope I am posting in the right place. I am Catholic, raised Catholic, and so is my husband. We have 3 children 13, 11, and 10. All have been baptized Catholic and received First Holy Communion. We have been very active in our church and attend fairly regularly. Recently, we are having trouble with our oldest son. He is starting to question his faith and is becoming rebelluous to going to church. He is telling us that he is not sure he wants to continue being Catholic. This is very upsetting to my husband and me. We’re not sure what to do. He is fighting with us about going to church and now telling us that he doesn’t believe in God. He went with us to mass begrugingly, and didn’t participate in any part of the mass, other than communion. I am so upset. He is questioning his faith and says that we are forcing him to be Catholic and go to church. I was tearful in mass today and prayed for him. He was crying in the car on the way and saying, “I don’t believe in God!”. We are telling him that until he is 18, he WILL be raised Catholic and go to church with us as a family. He thinks we are violating his freedom of choice. Please advise. Anyone here experienced with teens and rebelling against going to church? Thank you so much! It’s been so upsetting. 😦
Connie
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Now, I don’t have parenting experience yet (I am only engaged, at this point), but I’ve helped raise two younger brothers who’ve dealt with this, and I’ve gone through this stage as well, and I truly believe that doubt is part of growing in faith. Without questioning, faith doesn’t become as real as it can be. At some point, even the most basic commitment of faith implies a question: “Why should I believe this?” To take those questions further is just to dig deeper into one’s faith, and with earnest and honest seeking (Ambrose: Faith Seeking Understanding), God’s grace will lead to positive results. I remember (around the age of 13) telling my mom in the car how I wasn’t sure I believed in God, it all seemed so made up. I remember being 20, and while praying in a chapel in Panama, convincing myself it was all just a myth, no more real than Hercules or Zeus. Ultimately, however, with enough questioning, and enough openness to what the Church really believes (not what the average American thinks the Church believes, because they read it in the New York Times), I have come to an amazing and deep faith.

My point is that, in my opinion and experience (for whatever it’s worth), the key is not to prevent questioning or critical thought, but to encourage it in an honest setting. I would tell your son that his questions are appropriate and frankly–GOOD! Faith/trust without investigation aren’t going to stand the trials of life when they’re called into question by outside forces. But if these questions are answered in a loving and honest way, then the faith that emerges will be stronger than ever and ready to face whatever curveballs life throws at your son’s faith life. These questions are not the work of anything bad, they’re the work of God stirring curiosity and a yearning for a deeper understanding of what he’s been taught.
 
It’s fairly normal for teenagers to question things, and go through many radical changes on ideas. It’s just part of the normal developmental process. Some change more than others. THe most important thing you can do at this time is be loving and flexible with him. Don’t try to force him to go to mass to the point where he is screaming and crying. Such a thing only reinforces those negative ideas he is having. Respond to him with love and kindness. Open a dialogue with him and find out why he doesn’t believe in God. If you show that you are on his side and equip him with knowledge. Keep praying for him, and open dialogue with him. Request that he continue to go to mass so that he can learn all he can before he makes a decision that may be very bad for him. Also, try to find out where he is getting his ideas from. It is very possible that he has friends who are feeding these thoughts, and asking him to limit time with them may be in order.

Again, as painful as it is (I cannot imagine how much this hurts) be kind, gentle, and keep him talking to you guys about it. Mkae yourselves his greatest ally. This is the best thing you can do, aside from prayer.
 
Your son sounds like he is probably a good boy - he doesn’t seem to be happy about this conflict with his family. Around age 13 it is to be expected that a young person will start looking at his faith in a new way. Up until now he has believed mainly because his parents, whom he trusts, have taught him to. That is the normal course of things with children.

Now though he is starting to think more like an adult - which is a good thing. He is aware now that his parents are not always right about everything. He is aware that intelligent and good people hold a variety of positions about God and religion. He is beginning to be able to think about religion and God in a logical and rational way.

This is all important for him to grow into an adult who can make good decisions and be a worthwhile part of the community, and so you can’t just quash it.

Because he is so young, he still has certain limitations in his thinking about God (don’t we all?) Although he is able to think on a much higher level than he was before, so he is probably really telling the truth when he says he doesn’t think there is a God, his brain is still not fully developed. He tends to think in a very linear way, and in black and white terms. His thinking is more abstract than it was, but not as much as it will be.

He has really been exposed to very few of the really substantial arguments for (or against) Christianity or religion, because he isn’t yet capable of reading them and hasn’t had time to anyway. And he lacks personal experiences to help inform and guide his thinking.

But these things will come, they take time. In many ways he is young for a boy to be thinking about such things, so he may even have some talent in this direction.

So what to you need to do to make sure he gets what he needs to keep on maturing? Well, tell him he needs to come to Mass because you are still responsible for his religious education, and he can’t make an informed decision until he has finished his in at least a basic way. Just like he can throw out all that he learned at school once he has graduated, but first he has to at least get that far. He should not take any Sacraments until he believes in God and at least the fundamental teachings of the CC. Point out that he is not contradicting himself by just attending, even an atheist or member of another religion is welcome to attend.

Don’t freak out when he talks to you about his thinking. It is good if he is looking to discuss these things with you - even if he wants to shock you a little. Don’t be shocked, discuss your beliefs and the reasons for them openly. If you don’t know the answers to his questions, say so and try to help him find out. (Teenagers seem to despise people who they think are being hypocritical, which includes people who don’t openly admit that they don’t know something. Charity about such things comes later.)

Maybe get him some decent apologetic or other Christian literature if he is a reader at all. Feed his mind, feed his soul, even if you do it in a “back door” kind of way. At that age maybe some C.S. Lewis, his science fiction if he would be offended by the Narnia ones which are for children. I remember really loving The Screwtape Letters at that age too, even though I had, like your son, decided I wasn’t a Christian.

It is possible he won’t ever come back to Catholicism. But there is no way you can make him do it - as parents, your job is to give him the tools and support he needs to respond to God’s overtures to him, either in the next few years, or maybe even later in life.
 
Hello,
I am sorry you are going through this. I had a huge crisis of faith due to a huge personal crisis at that age.(younger) Find out and make sure that nothing has happened to harm him. I am hoping that nothing happened but sometimes when kids pull away from God, it is because they have lost trust in Him.

If nothing happened… explore your faith together. My family goes to Mass whenever we can together. We pray our rosary as a family. Just remind you son that even if he doesn’t believe in God. God still loves him.
Ask questions together.

Hope this helps.
-C
 
I apologize if this has been covered but here’s my advice:

Well first of all, I am not a parent. Not even close. In fact, I’m under 18 myself (though not by much. I’m closer to 18 than 13). But I hope my advice can help :o

I would talk to this boy and prove to him God exists. How? Use proofs that philosophers use. You don’t have to read him the Summa Theologica, but there are proofs that even a 13 year old can understand (ex: argument from First Cause, argument from Design, etc.) At 13 a person can understand these proofs, granted they are put in normal terms. Also, at 13 I doubt one has sufficient knowledge to refute/rebutt these claims. So, in theory, if he is presented with some of these arguments I bet he’ll be speechless and will have to accept that God exists. It’s only when he gets older (my age about or older yet) that you have to worry about rebuttals :o

Check out Peter Kreeft for help on this. He puts things in every day terms (well close anyway; philosophy can only go so far communicating to us ‘normal’ people :p) I suggest him. He also has audio tracks on his website that maybe you can listen to as a family (in the car maybe?)

Contact me if you need more specific help 🙂 I’d be glad to offer my assitence! (sp) 🙂 :o

good luck! 👍

coolduude
 
Yikes. I can feel your heartbreak, but please, be strong, for yourself and for your child.

I’m 20 years old and belong to a family of six. I have three other siblings, and not once during our upbringings did we ever have outbursts or tantrums like that. Sure, none of us particularly wanted to attend mass, and we would complain and pester our parents about it, but we didn’t go as far as to question our faiths.

I’m not a parent, but I do think I can provide a unique perspective. Not wanting to go to mass is one thing, but saying “I don’t believe in God” is something else entirely. You are right in saying that he has to be obedient, but I think you should find out how/who/what planted this seed of anger and doubt in his mind. His apparent anger, especially, is a signal to me that something is very fishy. There might be influences in his social life that are pressuring him to suppress, in some way, his faith.

Understanding the nature of his disobedience will inform you well as you go forward.
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mamaloves3:
I would keep praying, and make sure to react in bland, unemotional ways to his childish whining (and if you do react, make sure he catches the drift of how immature he’s acting). A kid in my parish acted like this a while ago, the moment I said, how dare you say those things, and treated him like a whining child, he stopped talking like that. Harsh, but he caught on.
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Totally agreed. This way, if they really are just childish outbursts over not wanting to go to mass, this will put him in his place.

I have a few questions for you, mamaloves3:
  1. Do you call to mind God, Jesus, or Mary in your speech? Try invoking them in small, sweet ways to your children. My mother, before any of us goes out, goes to bed, etc. she blesses us by saying “Dios te bendiga,” which means “May God bless you” in Spanish. In small ways such as these, you’re calling to mind God in your everyday, practical lives, thus making Him more real. Over time, you may see a difference.
  2. Do you show your children religious movies/cartoons? My parents, wisely, let us see from time to time really well done movies and cartoons concerning stories in the Bible and the lives of the saints. They inspired our imaginations and built an intriguing mystique around the church. Prince of Egypt, just off the top of my head, is a wonderful animated movie for children about Moses.
  3. Do you have religious iconography in your home? For us Latin/Hispanic Catholics, the Virgin de Guadalupe is such an indelible image in all of our minds, it’s part of who we are! She is displayed proudly and prominently in our home, along with other beautiful works of art which call our attention to God almost everywhere we turn. It becomes a part of our everyday realities, whether we realize it consciously or not.
  4. Do you talk to your children about the lives and works of the saints? As children, the lives and works of the saints were so inspiring and appealed so much to our imaginations. The aforementioned cartoons helped us to see that, but hearing my father and my mother talk about Our Lady of Fatima, St. Francis of Assisi, etc. it was bonding with my parents as well as obtaining a broader understanding of the greatness of the church.
Keep in touch, and let us know how things progress. It’s difficult dealing with such anger and doubt. You can be the best role model and defender of the faith, but if that person doesn’t open himself or herself and actively seek God and experience God intellectually/emotionally/spiritually, then there is little that you can do. What’s that saying? You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink? Be strong.
 
Hey, cooldude! Kind of off-topic: we really ought to have a thread where young Catholics like ourselves can gather and just talk. It’s difficult finding a peer you can relate to, so a thread like that might be a good idea.
 
Windfish said:
Hey, cooldude! Kind of off-topic: we really ought to have a thread where young Catholics like ourselves can gather and just talk. It’s difficult finding a peer you can relate to, so a thread like that might be a good idea.
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👍
 
jmcrae said:
What does he think he would be doing by himself at home while the rest of the family is away at Mass? Tell him that you respect that he no longer believes in God, but he still has to come to Mass with the rest of the family, rather than be left home by himself.

Tell him that if he sincerely does not believe in God, he should not be receiving Holy Communion. He should, however, be paying close attention to the prayers and to the homily, since even if he ends up to be an atheist, this is still part of his cultural education. Even atheists have to be familiar with “the Jesus story.” 🙂

Get him a notebook and have him write notes while he’s listening to the homily, and ask him to annotate his notes with commentary of his own explaining exactly what he disagrees with, and why. This will help you to get to the root of what’s bothering him, and help you to discuss it with him in the light of the teachings of the Church. Do not let him get away with comments like “that’s dumb.” He has to explain to you what is dumb, and what he considers a more thoughtful alternative to be.
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Respecting that someone does not believe in God is not right and can be a dangerous thing. That’s almost like encouraging him to continue doing it. I wouldn’t say you respect it.

And bringing a notebook to Mass would probably make him pay even less attention. I believe a Missal would work better. You’ve got a few nice ideas, though.
 
You can show him evidence of God’s existence and the fact that the Catholic Church is the one true Church through books and documentaries about miracles, apparations, etc. Also bring him to a priest, the priest may solve his problems.
 
At his age it is normal to debate and question everything.

Introduce him to some nice catholic gals at church.
I once went to church on the wrong day, thinking a special young lady would be there. slap head.

He may simply be losing the debates with his friends. Get him some good apologetic books and tapes like the Beginning Apologetics Book Series or Dave Armstrongs’ books. I think a guy named Bob Dukto on WMUZ has a top ten reasons to believe in God CD. There may be something like that by a Catholic speaker.

Be firm on the attending church thing, someone had a good idea about a youth group.
 
You’ve received some good ideas here. Especially having him take notes during the homily and then seriously discussing his questions after. My daughter found this very valuable when she had questions although she was never rebellious.

I do have a question for you though. What does “we go fairly regularly” mean in your OP? If you do not go every Sunday, rain, shine, vacation, soccer game, housework etc all second to going to Mass, than of course your son thinks it is acceptable for him to choose when he wants to go or not. Before you impose any penalties or punishments on him, make sure that you parents are putting Mass first before anything else on your Sundays. If that means attending the anticipated Saturday evening Mass or Sunday late afternoon, that is fine, but make sure the entire family is aware of when you are going (as a family) to Mass and that you go each week and each HDO.
 
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