Please help with MIL and my realization that I'm a selfish jerk

[BLB_Oregon]

**Your MIL sounds annoying, but not hurtful or mean…count your blessing…she could come over and eat all your bacon **

malia

I don’t have MIL problems, but we have a friend who always comes over and insists on making a gourmet meal for us. It never fails, he always ruins something…puts something aluminum in the dishwasher and pits it, scorches the double boiler, scratches the teflon, breaks the favorite wooden spoon, something. He busily helps me clean up when I cook, only the stuff has grease and food still stuck to it when I go to use it again. He always manages to leave a big puddle of water near the sink after doing dishes. Oh, and when he puts things away, he’ll proudly tell us that he found a better arrangement for our stuff than what we had.

I don’t know which emoticon to attach to that. We are incredibly fond of him, but I’m not saintly enough to use the little smiley. When he’s coming, though, I just hide my favorite cookware before he comes and try to enjoy his well-meant “help.” I do not feel guilty for being relieved when he’s done helping, though.

 

[TallyCatholic]

He always manages to leave a big puddle of water near the sink after doing dishes.

Thank God, I thought I was the only one! I hate when people leave puddles of water all over the place. When my MIL tries and clean at my house its like she went swimming in the sink! I have to basically get the towels out because I don’t think she realizes but with little kids, that little puddle will turn into a nice sticky patch of messness all over the place. Well at least I’m not the only one!

Thanks for the conversations, this is definately making me fell better, encouraged that I can handle it, and it is enjoyable to hear others’ stories.

 

[Sr_Sally]

I’m kind of curious… How do your MIL’s children and husband respond to your MIL? Or does she treat them differently from you? Does the behavior of these other family members bother you too? I ask because I wonder if it is not only the strangeness of the situation that bothers you but the fact that you don’t want to be like the husband and other children.

This is my question too. OP, is your FIL still living? Why don’t you hang out with him instead of MIL? I don’t think older women would usually expect a man to hang out in the kitchen chatting with them. Are there other male relatives you could be with? Or perhaps you could take your children for a walk while dinner is being prepared–to let your MIL and wife have some time together? Is there a hobby or new skill you could bring next time to keep you busy?
Hope you are keeping her in your prayers!

 

[StephanieC]

I would not spend too much time analyzing MIL. Try to spend time on thinking about your own reactions, not in general, to each specific situation. Why did it irritate you? What feelings did this arouse? Sometimes there might be a tinge of guilt, sometimes anger, for instance if she is sabotaging your diet. Work on your own feelings, your own state of mind, your own spiritual health. She is the way she is and she will not change. Your concern is your relationship with your wife, not allowing her to be caught in a middle of a battle between you and MIL. If that is MIL’s agenda, don’t let it happen, even if it means limiting visits and time together.

This is good advice, especially the highlighted part.

I am assuming that you’ve only been married for a few years, yes?

Marrying into a large family was interesting for me (3.5 years now). Family get-togethers ended in car rides home with me whiiiiining to my husband about all the offensive things I thought were said and done specifically to me.

Finally, I learned to 1) always reassure my husband that I had a good time, and 2) laugh about all of the quirks & misunderstandings.

Sometimes the car ride home became a sort of “translation” period:

Me: “So, let me ask you, when your mom said_____ and your sister said____, were they mad at each other?”

DH: “Uh, no. My sister just said ____because that’s what she always does.”

Me: “Ohhhhhh. See, that’s interesting because I definitely would have thought they were mad at each other. Cool.”

But the key is to be willing to accept your spouse’s translation of events. After all, they’ve lived with these people a lot longer than you have. They’re pretty fluent in the language of their family-of-origin dynamics. You’re still doing verb-tense drills!

 

[LittleRose]

I think the best thing for you to do is take lots of deep breaths and relax. Learn to be flexible. Different people have different ideas of what hospitality should be, and when you are staying in their house, the most respectful thing to do is remind yourself that what they are doing, they do because they want to be nice to you. Don’t take it personally, as if it’s a competition. Just go with it. She has probably been raised with certain ways of doing things.

I have visited people who won’t feel easy unless their guests accept food and drink, and who will refill your glass and your plate without even asking if you want more. They will pour you an entire bottle of wine, and stuff you with enough food for an entire meal if you aren’t careful to eat and drink slowly. Some are more relaxed. Some don’t offer anything. I find it’s just best to be alert and flexible, and if you know something will please or offend your host, behave accordingly.

 

[puzzleannie]

Is this the place to rant about relatives, in- and out-laws, who come to visit (memo to self, next house should not be in a resort area), insist on “helping” with laundry so dark towels have permanent bleach spots, underwear is ruined in the dryer–kitchen, so non-stick pans are permanently scorched, scratched and useless (yes, the brand new expensive ones I just bought for this house), appliance parts go missing for years, and can-opener is broken and on, and on, and on. Yes, this is the right thread, because she-who-must-be-kow-towed-to is here for the duration. If I spend longer hours on the forums you’ll know why.

 

[TallyCatholic]

This is my question too. OP, is your FIL still living? Why don’t you hang out with him instead of MIL? I don’t think older women would usually expect a man to hang out in the kitchen chatting with them. Are there other male relatives you could be with? Or perhaps you could take your children for a walk while dinner is being prepared–to let your MIL and wife have some time together? Is there a hobby or new skill you could bring next time to keep you busy?
Hope you are keeping her in your prayers!

I thought I mentioned in my original post that my MIL only has one other daughter who is not married yet, so we are the only family. As for my FIL I am hanging around him all the time. The problem is he is always the right side man to my MIL if that makes any sense. I asked my wife why he doesn’t like any sports, or any hobbies other than changing people oil. And we’ve come to the conclusion that my MIL doesn’t like sports and so probably never let my FIL watch them.

There are things we have in common, like we both like to work in our garages, etc. but other than that he likes cars (which I can’t stand) and I like sports and other stuff he’s not into.

But the fact remains that during the busy times (like cooking, etc.) my FIL is right there with them.

Thank you for all your responses and suggestions.

 

[crmcfl]

The older I get the more I come to the conclusion that we all secretly want to be God “These people are annoying me, why don’t they change?” all the while not realizing they may be thinking the very same about us. Prayer works. Not the “God, make them the way I want them to be” prayer, but the “God, help me see this person through your eyes” prayer. That one always works. Ask your guardian angel to talk to their guardian angel. Pope John Paul II used to do that before meetings with world leaders. Ask the Holy Spirit to guide you on how best to deal with this person. You can’t change her. You can change you. It took me years to learn to deal with my mother-in-law (28 years now). Now we have a great relationship and my husband no longer feels torn between us. Don’t ever badmouth your mother-in-law to your spouse. Tell God.

 

[Giannawannabe]

Your MIL sounds a little controlling and self absorbed. Try the book Children of the Self Absorbed by Nina Brown. My mother and her destructive narcissism caused quite a lot of problems early in our marriage. Once I realized what I was dealing with (as did my siblings!), I was able to set up boundaries and deal with her more effectively. The above book talks about how to continue a relationship with someone who is like this. I would not want to cut mom out of my life completely, but I needed to approach her differently in order to have a relationship of some kind.
People who do not have to deal with this type of person really have no idea what it’s like. I notice some of the posters have been a little less than empathetic, but honestly, it’s just not something one can understand unless it’s his/her own parent or close family member. Trust your gut instinct on this one. You’re not selfish!! Be patient with your wife. It will take awhile for her…let her read that book.

 

[leonie]

Is this the place to rant about relatives, in- and out-laws, who come to visit (memo to self, next house should not be in a resort area), insist on “helping” with laundry so dark towels have permanent bleach spots, underwear is ruined in the dryer–kitchen, so non-stick pans are permanently scorched, scratched and useless (yes, the brand new expensive ones I just bought for this house), appliance parts go missing for years, and can-opener is broken and on, and on, and on. Yes, this is the right thread, because she-who-must-be-kow-towed-to is here for the duration. If I spend longer hours on the forums you’ll know why.

Enjoy your purgatory expiation time!

 

[Anne1964]

Your MIL sounds a lot like my mother and the way she treats my husband. I married late (at 38), and my mother worships the ground my husband walks on. She waits on him hand and foot, and worries if he doesn’t have 3 helpings of everything at dinner.

I used to be the one she worried about, but I have been supplanted by my husband. She makes sure she cooks his favorite dishes, and if I happen to like the same food, that’s great; if I don’t, oh well, I can starve.

My husband really enjoys being fussed over by my mom as she is quite different from his own mother, who is quite self-centered and rarely does anything to please others. I am quite happy not to be fussed over by my mother as I find it to be suffocating and patronizing.

My mother announced she wasn’t going to do any baking this year, so my husband said he was going to try an experiment. He casually mentioned to my mother how much he enjoyed her chocolate chip cookies and chocolate pie. Guess what we had for dessert on Christmas day?

Anytime I try to tell my mother about things my husband likes, she looks at me suspiciously and asks, “Are you sure he likes that, or is it just something you want?”