Please help

[Forbidden]

This is my first visit here. I’m so ashamed of myself that I don’t feel I can talk to anyone, so here I am, hiding behind anonymity and asking you to talk me out of a very bad idea.
I need help with a terrible temptation I’m facing. I have always been so judgemental of people who are severely tempted to sexual immorality - probably because it never happened to me. Before.
So the reason I’m here is not because I’m a Catholic - I’m a protestant - but because he is. He’s married. With three children. I’m separated, my athiest husband having left me nearly four years ago. I have three kids.
I have been strong for four years. I have not been lonely. I have leaned on my friends, my church, my God. He has upheld me. I also became good friends with my neighbor, Anne, and we talk about everything, all our struggles.
And quickly you’ll see where this is going. There is nothing new under the sun. Anne’s husband, Jack, is a very kind and helpful handyman. He repairs lots of things, computers, etc. I never, ever found him attractive, and was glad I didn’t, because I could see how quickly that could lead to a very bad situation.
And then, about a week ago, it hit me. It descended on me like a bad stomach virus. out of nowhere. I hadn’t even seen him aside from the evening I was over at their house having tea in the kitchen with Anne - I haven’t so much as spoken with him in weeks. I don’t know what happened, but I cannot stop thinking about him. I almost feel as if God deliberately sent me this temptation to teach me humility, to show me how easy it is for people to fall into this kind of sin.
I am in a very, very weak place. It would not take much to push me over the edge. Yesterday evening he came over to help me set up some new computer stuff. It took a long time and we didn’t even get it all finished. There was a foreign-region dvd I wanted to play - an old 1946 film - and he helped me get that playing. We wound up watching the whole thing together, at the kitchen table.
I tried my very hardest to not let on in any way that he’d been occupying my thoughts for the last week. But he put his arm around me, and there it stayed, on my hip, until the end of the film.
At the risk of sounding like a cheap novel, I’ll just say that started me burning with lust. Burning. I’m ashamed of myself. I’m not strong enough to fight this. I want to tell Anne in order to make sure nothing more happens, but I also don’t want to hurt her. I’m ashamed to admit to Jack that I’m burning with desire for him. He hates my husband for cheating on me and leaving me - how would he hate me for even thinking about crossing the line with him? Or maybe he’s the one who crossed the line. Maybe we both did already.
He’s coming over again tonight to finish the computer things. I suppose I should just call him and tell him not to, right? But I want my computer working, and I want more than anything to be in the same room with him.
Help me. Please don’t just condemn me - I need to know how to fight this.

 

[Trishie]

Please, Love, don’t fall into the trap.
You have signalled attraction to each other and it is obviously an occasion of sin for you to spend time alone in your house with him.
If you absolutely can’t afford to have anyone repair your computer, have someone else with you when he comes. Or give him the key if you trust him and go out…

Think of the wife and the children. Think of your own, but above all, of God.

Any of us can feel particular attraction for someone at some period in our lives, especially if we are lonely.

Don’t go any further along this path. Last year there was someone who told me he was attracted to me, He used to give me a lift from church sometimes, a position of trust, but the moment he said that, I knew that was that. He was upset when I said kindly, “no, I can’t accept a lift from you again, considering what you said.” He was certainly an attractive man, married, I wouldn’t put his soul at risk.

You have to be on guard with yourself, not let you mind find ways around your principles,. And Love, you really should say to him, and mean it, not allowing yourself to deceive yourself into ways of getting around it, tell him firmly that yesterday was too familiar and it must not and will not happen again. He knows perfectly well, as no husband has the right to put and leave his hand on another woman’s leg.
Much as you wouldn’t want to believe it, his doing so makes him a less honorable person and slipping into sin with him more foolish.He has less excuse. He has a wife. Please don’t let chemicals and any other thing that is attractive, along with the attraction of being wanted, seduce you into betrayal of God, of your soul, his soul, Anne, their family…and the huge misery that would follow.

I know that you will feel the more lonely for being firm and doing what you should as a Christian, as a friend, (to both, as it happens) and a good example to your children.

I’m sad that your husband cheated on you and deserted you and I realize you don’t want to inflict that on your friend…who is trusting you enough to let her husband help you.

Much as you may need help, you really shouldn’t call on him again, or accept his help…you’ve opened Pandora’s box, or it opened by itself, or perhaps he already had in his mind, so I hope and pray you can be honorable and strong. If you know the story, the issue doesn’t go back into the box. I do feel for you, and pray for you.

And I do hope that God will allow you to find someone of your own again, someone good and kind who will truly love you, with honor and faithfulness.You say he is coming over tonight, please have someone else there, and please don’t signal any attraction with words or looks or the little tricks one can use hardly knowing one does.

I know that you know, but you really must do right. It may seem worth it to do what is wrong, but it isn’t. It triggers disaster that affects many good and innocent people.
I know you are a good person. May God come powerfully to your aid.

 

[Trishie]

Putting his hand on your leg was a choice he made, keeping it there was a choice, and he knew it is a caddish thing to do to his wife, and shows no consideration for your spiritual welfare and your immortal soul. However kindly you regard him and that he appears, this is not kind or loving in the real sense, but selfishness. You don’t want to think that but it’s reality, it’s true. Helpfulness can be helpfulness, but it can also be self-serving too. Is a man who acts with such disregard of his wife your friend, a man you really want to become involved with even if it wasn’t a sin. Your attraction would fade as would his, and how could you ever trust him. If he betrays his wife, would you ever trust this kind handyman with any other widow or deserted wife he chose to help? I don’t think so. You find him adorable now, but you know attraction fades, and then what respect would there be? What trust?

Just spelling it all out as though your feelings are in turmoil, you can’t afford not to be realistic and determined, for the sake of all persons involved, for their eternal salvation, for your witness to your children (are you no better than their cheating Dad. Mom cheats, she should be good, well everyone cheats, so it’s okay if later we,(your children) cheat on their partners.)

You won’t be weak you will be strong, because that’s who you are.
And because you are a daughter of the eternal Father.

"Therefore, that I might not become too elated, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, an angel of Satan, to beat me, to keep me from being too elated.**
8 **** Three times I begged the Lord about this, that it might leave me,**** 9 but he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.
" I will rather boast most gladly of my weaknesses, in order that the power of Christ may dwell with me. 10 ****
Therefore, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and constraints, for the sake of Christ; for when I am weak, then I am strong." ** ** 2Corinthians 12:7-10 **

 

[Trishie]

Welcome here. Thank you for trusting us with your difficult and painful dilemma.
You have been though a lot in the past, and this isn’t easy for you now, what you’re going through now.

Please take good care of yourself.
Warmly, Trishie

 

[Dorothy]

I will say a prayer for you.

I believe it would be a mistake to tell his wife, but be sure you do not have him in your house again. Get someone else to fix your computer.

May the Lord bless you and be with you, leading you to do the right thing.

 

[Forbidden]

Trishie,

You’re 100% right about everything. There’s nothing respectful about his behavior, either. But, darn it, at one point he asked me if I mind, apologized, even, and I thought it best to act as if it’s no big deal. Because it shouldn’t be, because I’m ashamed of myself that it WAS.

I know for a fact that Anne does not have sex with him - she’s told me all about it - so obviously he is starved for that BUT IT IS NOT MY PROBLEM. Actually, it has now become my problem, but their sex life is for them to work out between the two of them.

And I keep thinking I am blowing everything way out of proportion. But even if I am - even if how he touches someone means nothing much to him - it creates a big problem for me.

Thanks for taking the time to write and help me out. Can I ask you to pray, too?

 

[Forbidden]

Dorothy,

Thank you! This is certainly a lesson in humility for me. I never have been really, really tempted before and had a pretty arrogant attitude towards people who failed to resist temptation.
Thank you for praying for me!

 

[Trishie]

Of course I will. I already have begun.
Sending you a hug.

From all you said in your first post… I just reiterated what you already knew, but sometimes we need that, a sounding board, and also to know someone else is praying for us. God has a strange way of giving us gifts, sometimes, and that’s what He has done, given you a gift of greater understanding and compassion. You are dear to Him.
I’ll be keeping you in my prayers,

Love, Trishie

He apologized for putting his hand on you but still kept it there!
Sneaky tactic!
Perhaps he’s not quite as straightforward and harmless as he might like others to think! As you indicate there are some problems he and his wife are dealing with, your saying that triggered a desire to pray for them both, as they need it too. See, you have done more good, the charity of eliciting prayers for your friends.
I wouldn’t feel so bad about yourself, as God is using this event to bring about several good outcomes.

Here in Australia it is almost 11.30 pm, so I should go to bed. I’m glad I checked in before going to bed, so I was able to respond quickly to you, a new friend whom I look forward to seeing in heaven someday.

 

[Forbidden]

Trishie,
Thank you! I’m so horrifically, horrifically weak. I had no idea until now.

Do you have any advice on how I should communicate with Jack? I’m afraid if I point out the impropriety of our physical contact yesterday he will know that it was not just “no big deal” to me; he will know I’m attracted to him, and maybe letting him know that would be a bad idea.

On the other hand, if I don’t address it directly - make excuses, tell him I’m sick tonight or make sure I’m not home - then, well, I have only postponed dealing with it, probably. But maybe until a later time when I am less vulnerable.

I don’t know. Everything in me wants to call him right now and ask when he is coming.

 

[Trishie]

I’d turned off my computer and was getting ready for sleep, it’s now almost midnight here in Australia, but it occurred to me I overlooked an important thing that your mind also might be too busy to process just now, giving some time to say sorry to the Lord for any adulterous thoughts, and thanking and praising Him for your deliverance.

But there’s your question, yes you don’t want to say much about it to him, but try not to be around, as much as possible while he is there. If he wants to keep you around he may do his best to make that happen, so maybe you go out as you said, or have someone else there. Maybe don’t volunteer any comments regarding anything, but stop him dead on any advances of any kind, stonewall them if there are any. You are sure there is no other way to have your computer repaired? Try not to accept his help in future, or make sure his wife and family is invited over and keep Anne around so he get the message.

I realize you’ll feel stressed until he gets the message, but he may hope and look for you to be vulnerable again, so we need to pray for your strength to grow. It is certainly a growing time of grace for you!

You do need to get the message across soon, by your behavior if nothing else, by being polite but distant. If he tries to bridge that try to stay firm. I gather from you not wishing to say his hand on you was a big deal, that you aren’t fond of confrontation anyway and are inclined to be obliging, but here, quiet firmness is the over-ruling need.

Praise God as much as you can today, and that will give you strength. You are fighting for your soul. Lord God please send Your holy Angels and keep them around her.

Your comment that you could phone him right now is a worry. Perhaps you need to cancel his coming at all and do so for a while. You may need to do without his help and maybe learn how to do more repairs etc yourself? Perhaps your desire for your computer to be repaired…you are using one now…?.. is a desire you have to let go for now. God before things, God or Mammon? Love God above all. Are you being called to prove to God that you do love God above all things? Including convenience?

 

[TimothyH]

Help me. Please don’t just condemn me - I need to know how to fight this.

No one wants to condemn you. But you must sever all relationship with him and with his wife immediately.

Yes you are weak. Yes we have compassion. But your desire to have sex with this man does not justify destroying a family. It is an amazingly, incredibly selfish thing to do, to come between a husband and wife with children and destroy their lives because of your desire for sex or compainionship.

I will not hug you. Nor will I condmn you. I will point my finger at you, look you in the eye and insist that you must not do it.

-Tim-

 

[Forbidden]

Trishie,

Thank you for your encouragement and advice! You’re absolutely right, of course- even the lustful thoughts are a sin against God, and first of all I need to repent of that.

I think I’ll just have to make some excuse tonight - I haven’t found anyone to come over and chaperone us, and Anne and her kids are down at their summer house for the week, so I can’t even involve her. You’re right about this one, too!

(I have two computers…my scanner/printer is not working on my desktop, which is the equipment I use for work. I just got a new laptop, which he set up for me last night, but I don’t have my work equipment on it. But yeah, I think that had better not be the top priority right now.)

Thank you again, God bless you and goodnight!

 

[Trishie]

Tim, they’re neighbours, and perhaps she may need to move if her attraction is as strong as she is revealing. The desire to call the man now even though she knows it’s awfully wrong, and that it sins against the commandment even to look at another person with lust, because it is lust, she agrees he isn’t honorable and how wrong it all is, you are right…but she will have to move if she’s to break with Anne as well as the husband.

It is lust, and so she certainly needs our prayers, as it seems to be outside logic and good sense, as well as Christian goodness. I hope she will be firm enough to disassociate herself from all occasion of sin and dispel this all from her mind. Please God she can

 

[Forbidden]

Yes you are weak. Yes we have compassion. But your desire to have sex with this man does not justify destroying a family. It is an amazingly, incredibly selfish thing to do, to come between a husband and wife with children and destroy their lives because of your desire for sex or compainionship.-

Tim,

Yes, you are right. I’m not even deserving of anyone’s compassion in this situation, and I, of all people, should know better than to even entertain any thoughts like this.
Thank you for pointing out that I can’t play around with this. Better for me to be embarassed by admitting my attraction to him than to pretend it’s not there and then fall into even greater sin.

 

[joclucsylv]

Forbidden,
Please don’t destroy his family and bring hurt to his children. I have a friend going through this and the sin of adultery destroys.
I am praying for you!

 

[Trishie]

Ok, this time I will go to bed as it’s after 12.30 and if I want to get up in time for morning Mass I’d best get some sleep. I’ll be keeping you and your neighbors in my prayers.
God bless,
Trishie

 

[Forbidden]

Forbidden,
Please don’t destroy his family and bring hurt to his children. I have a friend going through this and the sin of adultery destroys.
I am praying for you!

Sylv,
Thank you.
My shame is even greater because my own marriage was destroyed by my husband’s adultery, and I have spent the last four years suffering with the fallout of that and how it affects my children. I should know better. I do know better, but this isn’t about knowing - it’s about the spirit battling the flesh.

Thank you for praying for me.

 

[Stavros]

First, listen to this homily. Then listen to it again.

Modesty of the Eyes

Then go into your bathroom, look into the mirror and memorize these phrases:

Precious blood, wash over me.
Jesus, Mary, Joseph, St. Maria Goretti, Guardian Angel, help me!

I know you’re not Catholic, so some of this probably won’t mean a whole lot, but trust me when I say that there’s a reason that this priest has given us these specific defences. And let’s just say, from personal experience, they work. Here’s the story behind St. Maria Goretti and why her intercession is asked for in tempations of the flesh (from Catholic.org):

Born in Corinaldo, Ancona, Italy, on October 16 1890; her farmworker father moved his family to Ferrier di Conca, near Anzio. Her father died of malaria and her mother had to struggle to feed her children.

In 1902 an eighteen-year-old neighbor, Alexander, grabbed her from her steps and tried to rape her. When Maria said that she would rather died than submit, Alexander began stabbing her with a knife. Note: Reports say that as he was attacking her, she screamed, “Don’t do this, you’ll go to Hell, you’ll go to Hell!” She was worried more about his immortal soul than her physical harm.]

As she lay in the hospital, she forgave Alexander before she died. Her death didn’t end her forgivness, however.

Alexander was captured and sentenced to thirty years. He was unrepentant until he had a dream that he was in a garden. Maria was there and gave him flowers. When he woke, he was a changed man, repenting of his crime and living a reformed life. When he was released after 27 years he went directly to Maria’s mother to beg her forgiveness, which she gave. “If my daughter can forgive him, who am I to withold forgiveness,” she said.

Okay, now that you’ve at least got some basic armor and a great story to put things into perspective, you’ve got a much better fighting chance. Right now you’re defenseless and weak. He’s got your “eros” revving, and your will is fighting your passions. You know this is wrong, and you know that you should stop it. Telling his wife will not make anyone feel better, not you or him and especially not her.

You have the responsibility to end this. And you know this. The “fix my computer” ploy is simply a deviation of the “helpless maiden” that has taken many a marriage and completely derailed it. What I’ve done, and what I recommend you do, is take this disordered attraction, and play out every single scenario in your mind. Don’t just think about those moments where your heart is beating when he’s close, but think about the long term consequences.

Here’s one scenario: He comes over, you fight it, you stop fighting it, you both realize you’re desparately in love.He leaves his wife. His wife is devastated. His kids are destroyed, damaged, ruined. Every one of your friends, everyone in your family, at his church, knows that he left his wife for you. You are officially the “other woman”. Forever. According to Catholic canon law, unless a husband and wife get an annulment, he cannot get remarried. But even if he does get that annulment, you’ve both ruined the lives of many, many people. The temporary lust, eros, passion that you two feel for each other is counteracted by the years of him having to make it up to his kids, you having to deal with “the ex” as the children grow up. Then, after a few years, the eros is gone. He takes too long in the bathroom and stinks it up something horrible. He snores. He spends time with his buddies when he should be mowing the lawn. And then all of a sudden he helps one of your friends with a computer repair. They say that a man who leaves his wife for a mistress has just created a job opening. Every time he talks to another woman, you will be suspicious.

Here’s another: You call him, say, I don’t feel the same way you apparently do, with what happened the other night. I respect you, and your marriage, and I think it would be best if we didn’t spend time alone together. Then you hang up, cry a whole lot, watch a movie while you eat an entire pint of ice cream (something good and expensive - you’ve earned it), and go to bed. You buy “Barry Manilow’s Greatest Hits” and bawl all the way to work and back. For weeks, you pull out a simple spiral notebook, and everything you want to tell your friends, or him, or God, or even people on a message board, you hand write into this notebook. You don’t let anyone know your misery, and every morning you pray this prayer: “Lord, I can’t carry this pain today. I can’t. It’s too much, it’s too consuming. So I need you to carry this for me. I need you to go back into my past and go to those events that hurt me and heal those wounds. I cannot forgive, so I need you to forgive for me.” Then, after a few weeks, or a few months, or heck, even a year, you meet someone new. Or God heals you and takes away this burden, and you are able to move on. Then when you realize that you are done, and that you have stayed friends with God during this entire process, you go to a local park with your journal, any mementos of him, a can of lighter fluid, and some matches, and set the whole mess on fire so that you don’t go back and think of ‘what could have been’ in times of lonlieness or weakness.

In a year, which one of these looks appealing? It’s hard to see the big picture when all you can see is the emotional hot mess standing right in front of you. But if you step back, and practice detachment and temperance, you will find that many souls will thank you for your maturity and discretion.

You will be in my prayers. Nothing is harder than being in love/like/crush/“thing” with the wrong person at the wrong time.

 

[Forbidden]

First, listen to this homily. Then listen to it again.

Modesty of the Eyes

Then go into your bathroom, look into the mirror and memorize these phrases:

Precious blood, wash over me.
Jesus, Mary, Joseph, St. Maria Goretti, Guardian Angel, help me!

I know you’re not Catholic, so some of this probably won’t mean a whole lot, but trust me when I say that there’s a reason that this priest has given us these specific defences. And let’s just say, from personal experience, they work. Here’s the story behind St. Maria Goretti and why her intercession is asked for in tempations of the flesh (from Catholic.org):

Okay, now that you’ve at least got some basic armor and a great story to put things into perspective, you’ve got a much better fighting chance. Right now you’re defenseless and weak. He’s got your “eros” revving, and your will is fighting your passions. You know this is wrong, and you know that you should stop it. Telling his wife will not make anyone feel better, not you or him and especially not her.

You have the responsibility to end this. And you know this. The “fix my computer” ploy is simply a deviation of the “helpless maiden” that has taken many a marriage and completely derailed it. What I’ve done, and what I recommend you do, is take this disordered attraction, and play out every single scenario in your mind. Don’t just think about those moments where your heart is beating when he’s close, but think about the long term consequences.

Here’s one scenario: He comes over, you fight it, you stop fighting it, you both realize you’re desparately in love.He leaves his wife. His wife is devastated. His kids are destroyed, damaged, ruined. Every one of your friends, everyone in your family, at his church, knows that he left his wife for you. You are officially the “other woman”. Forever. According to Catholic canon law, unless a husband and wife get an annulment, he cannot get remarried. But even if he does get that annulment, you’ve both ruined the lives of many, many people. The temporary lust, eros, passion that you two feel for each other is counteracted by the years of him having to make it up to his kids, you having to deal with “the ex” as the children grow up. Then, after a few years, the eros is gone. He takes too long in the bathroom and stinks it up something horrible. He snores. He spends time with his buddies when he should be mowing the lawn. And then all of a sudden he helps one of your friends with a computer repair. They say that a man who leaves his wife for a mistress has just created a job opening. Every time he talks to another woman, you will be suspicious.

Here’s another: You call him, say, I don’t feel the same way you apparently do, with what happened the other night. I respect you, and your marriage, and I think it would be best if we didn’t spend time alone together. Then you hang up, cry a whole lot, watch a movie while you eat an entire pint of ice cream (something good and expensive - you’ve earned it), and go to bed. You buy “Barry Manilow’s Greatest Hits” and bawl all the way to work and back. For weeks, you pull out a simple spiral notebook, and everything you want to tell your friends, or him, or God, or even people on a message board, you hand write into this notebook. You don’t let anyone know your misery, and every morning you pray this prayer: “Lord, I can’t carry this pain today. I can’t. It’s too much, it’s too consuming. So I need you to carry this for me. I need you to go back into my past and go to those events that hurt me and heal those wounds. I cannot forgive, so I need you to forgive for me.” Then, after a few weeks, or a few months, or heck, even a year, you meet someone new. Or God heals you and takes away this burden, and you are able to move on. Then when you realize that you are done, and that you have stayed friends with God during this entire process, you go to a local park with your journal, any mementos of him, a can of lighter fluid, and some matches, and set the whole mess on fire so that you don’t go back and think of ‘what could have been’ in times of lonlieness or weakness.

In a year, which one of these looks appealing? It’s hard to see the big picture when all you can see is the emotional hot mess standing right in front of you. But if you step back, and practice detachment and temperance, you will find that many souls will thank you for your maturity and discretion.

You will be in my prayers. Nothing is harder than being in love/like/crush/“thing” with the wrong person at the wrong time.

Thank you! I listened to the homily and read some more about St. Maria Goretti, wow.

I think God must have responded to all the prayers. I had decided I could “practice detachment and temperance” and tell him just to keep his hands to himself - and then he never came over. I even texted him about something he’d left behind here, but he didn’t answer.
So maybe God has been working on him, too. Maybe he realized he’d crossed a line.

Thank you for all your help and prayers, everyone. I know this isn’t over yet completely - I will have to clarify things with him eventually - but at least I have some time to come to my senses.

Thank you!

 

[Poof]

I’ll say a couple of Hail Marys for you before I go to bed. I’m in no position to give you decent advice since I know nothing about marriage (still in high school). However, if there’s one thing I know, it’s that prayer is a very powerful weapon, just keep praying! Well, I too have a lot of struggles with impurity. The priest over at my school advice me to pray to our Blessed Mother when it comes to these things, as she stood for purity and never fell into temptation. But that’s just me, pray to anyone you feel most comfortable with may it be Jesus, Mary or your Guardian Angel. GOOD LUCK!