Please, please Help – Tension with Priest

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sonoftherosary

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Dear CAF,

I was wondering if there is anyone out there that could please, please help me with a situation that I am in right now. Several years ago, I was treated very badly and hatefully by a priest, and ever since then, I have avoided him. (The details about the fight that we got into are awful, he hurt me very badly and was very mean to me.)

Deep down in my heart, I have prayed over and over again to ask God to give me the strength to forgive him, and I have prayed over and over again, “In the name of Jesus Christ, I forgive this man. Jesus, help me to love this priest as much as you do. Help me to forgive. Jesus, I chose to forgive this priest.”

However, today, I accidentally ran into this priest again, and when I saw him, I was trembling with anger – I immediately started to remember how he was mean to me. I was so angry that I did not even look at his face. He started talking to me – and I was so angry at him – I couldn’t even respond or look at his face. I just walked away as quickly as I could. Is that a sin? Did I commit a sin by being angry and walking away?

I am at a hard situation. As a devout Catholic, I know that I have to respect this priest because they have sacrificed their lives to serve the Church. I know, on an intellectual level, that I have to respect priest, but on an emotional level, there is no way that I can ever forget how mean/unkind he was to me. He has never apologized to me.

I want so much to love Jesus, and I now that in order to love Jesus, I have to forgive and love others, especially a priest(!!!), but have I already forgiven this priest?

I don’t know if I am trying to justify myself, but is there a difference between forgiveness and ** consequence **? I know that I have to forgive this priest, but do I have to be cordial to him, smile at him, and respect him? After how he treated me?

If he treats me so badly, then why do I have to be nice/friendly to him? Do you have to actively search out people who treat you badly and start being super good friends with those people? Is that real forgiveness?

A few weeks ago, during mass (DURING THE MIDDLE OF MASS!), he yelled very loudly at this boy in church – in front of the entire church – and humiliated that boy. The gossip about that spread so fast throughout the entire youth group – everyone heard about it. I don’t see any humility in this priest.

The thing that I am most afraid of is offending Jesus Christ and going to hell – I want so much to have a good relationship with God – and I don’t want any sin inside my heart. I want to have a tender, strong, holy relationship/friendship with Christ. I want to know that God is pleased with me.

But if I don’t know if I sinned or not – Have I sinned by being dismissive toward this priest? Have I sinned by avoiding this priest? Have I sinned by not talking/being nice to this priest?

I am super afraid of going to hell – I don’t want to go to hell for not forgiving this priest. But the thing is – I’m confused – I don’t know if I have forgiven him or not.

I want to forgive this priest – but how?

How do I know if I have forgiven this priest?

Have I already forgiven him?

What else do I have to do in order to MAKE CERTAIN that I am at peace with God?

What else do I have to do in order to MAKE CERTAIN that I have already forgiven a priest.

In my mind I have this idea that forgiveness means talking back with the person who hurt you – I have this picture in my mind that I have to smile and talk nicely and respectfully to this priest in order to forgive him – but is that true forgiveness? How can I be nice good friends again with this priest when he was so mean and hateful to me? That seems impossible.

Do I have a false ideal of forgiveness?

If someone steals a laptop from you, then yes, you MUST forgive that person. But that does NOT mean that you let that person borrow your wallet the next time they ask! Forgiveness and consequence are different things. I have forgiven this priest, but does that mean that I have to be nice and talk friendly with him again? He hurt me very badly, - do I have the right to ** respect myself ** and stay as far away from him as possible?

I am very saddened and troubled about this.

Please pray for me.

If I don’t forgive this priest, then I ** KNOW ** I will go to hell. But in order to forgive him, do I have to be all nice and friendly to him?

How do I know if I am right with God? How do I know that I am truly in the state of grace?

Should I bring this to confession and ask another priest (a different one!) his opinion?
 
sonoftherosary said:
Should I bring this to confession and ask another priest (a different one!) his opinion?
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Yes. Another priest will be able to help you work through these issues and set your mind at ease.
sonoftherosary said:
If I don’t forgive this priest, then I ** KNOW ** I will go to hell. But in order to forgive him, do I have to be all nice and friendly to him?
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From everything you’ve said, you are trying your best to forgive. There is no sin in the fact that it can be very hard to do this, and it is a process that can take some time (and often is not completed in this lifetime, but thank God for purgatory).

I can’t see any theological basis for “knowing” that you will go to hell if you cannot complete your process of forgiving for this priest. Just keep working at it, and pray for him.
sonoftherosary said:
How do I know if I am right with God? How do I know that I am truly in the state of grace?
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Go to confession and you will be in a state of grace, if you are not already. I can’t see any mortal sin in what you’ve done, but a priest can help you work through this all.

Now, take a deep breath, relax, and know that God loves you.
 
I read and reread your post and a couple of ideas jumped out. You ran into him and he tried to speak with you but you couldn’t answer and walked off or turned away. I am wondering if the priest realized that he had hurt you badly to begin with. Since you have run into him but couldn’t speak to him, I am wondering if you could write him a letter telling him that while you did encounter him, you couldn’t speak to him due to the past hurts and that this needs to be cleared up and he needs to be aware of this. This could be the opening to confront the past in order to move on. I know that forgiveness in a process and an act of the will. Usually we equate forgiveness with “feelings” instead and think that because one feels hurt and anger, that there isn’t forgiveness. I think the best example of forgiveness is Joseph and his brothers. When they first came to him in Egypt, he didn’t just hop over to them and give them hugs and kisses, he kinda treated them pretty roughly, threw a couple of them in jail etc and so on. with all this in mind, I would use this encounter as an opportunity to confront the past and probably writing a letter expressing the past hurt might be the start of healing in your own life.
 
Peace be with you bro. Even Jesus got steamed at people that upset him. The fact you are working towards forgiving him shows your heart is in the right place and this is where God looks to see our true intentions.

I remember once I ran across somebody I did not like much. I had not seen him in years and had mostly forgotten about him but this chance encounter years latter it bubbled to the surface. All that came out me was a growl. I was shocked at myself but I guess God gave that opportunity to realize there was some work I needed to do.

Good luck. God bless.
 
underacloud said:
Yes. Another priest will be able to help you work through these issues and set your mind at ease.

From everything you’ve said, you are trying your best to forgive. There is no sin in the fact that it can be very hard to do this, and it is a process that can take some time (and often is not completed in this lifetime, but thank God for purgatory).

I can’t see any theological basis for “knowing” that you will go to hell if you cannot complete your process of forgiving for this priest. Just keep working at it, and pray for him.

Go to confession and you will be in a state of grace, if you are not already. I can’t see any mortal sin in what you’ve done, but a priest can help you work through this all.

Now, take a deep breath, relax, and know that God loves you.
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This is exactly correct 100%.
Please go to confession as often as you need to to work through this.
Know too, that the Archdiocese has officials that are ready to help you reconcile these matters. An objective party that you can go to.

I understand what you mean about “knowing” you are going to hell. My friend, you are already in a kind of hell on Earth. The devil has grabbed such a hold of your heart through this offense that you can’t even function as yourself.
This is not the fault of the priest. You have let this happen to your soul and that is why it is so important to go to confession and pray and pray and pray.

It is also super important that you not spread this offense to others in the congregation. I have seen a church ripped apart by this kind of insidious behavior. It’s natural for people to want to commiserate with others when we are hurting; but this kind of hurt needs to be dealt with by peers and superiors; not the flock. I don’t say this lightly. I have never seen evil rip so completely and rapidly through a congregation as when people started getting offended and felt they had no recourse.

Personally, the same priest highly offended me also, but I went to confession with him.
There is something so special about the grace of confession that words can not describe.

End your pain starting now. Say a “Litany of Lorato” ewtn.com/devotionals/litanies/Loreto.htm . I will pray for you with our rosary tonight. Ask for a Mass intention for yourself. It is that serious. And please, go to confession before receiving communion again. If that is not possible, say the “Act of Contrition” (you know: “O My God, I am heartily sorry for having offended thee…” ewtn.com/Devotionals/prayers/contrit.htm ) with the promise to God that you will go to confession as soon as humanly possible. My friend, your situation is far more common than you know. Become a spiritual warrior and a shining example for all around you. You won’t regret it.
 
Sometimes we say things and we don’t realize that we are hurting someone by our words, I am sure you might have even done the same thing yourself, we have to turn inwards also, by looking at ourselves, are we perfect, have we hurt anyone by our words and actions, its very easy to get caught up with slight’s of other people , priests, nuns, laypeople etc, some of these might not have been intentional, Fr obviously did not think he hurt your feelings as he went to talk to you, but you ran of, not very nice or mature, he might have wanted to say sorry to you for hurting your feelings but you did not give him a chance. Do you say The Our Father, you know the line that says Forgive us our trespasses , as we forgive those who trespass against US, none of us are perfect, people in religious life are striving to become more holy, but the word is striving, even laypeople me and you have to strive for this.

We all do things we regret , but holding a grudge is not being very Christian, as you seemed to have done here, by running off when the priest went to talk to you. I don’t know how old you are, but believe me in life there is a lot of hurt caused by other people and we have to learn to forgive. So do just that, or write Fr. a letter if you cannot let it go within yourself and offer it up to the Lord for your sins.
 
Dear sonoftherosary,

You have received some good advice here. I would like to share some practical stuff that I have learned in dealing with difficult people. We are all in the same boat. I’ve finally learned that it would be really nice if we all ended up in the same place (heaven). Even the most obnoxious, hateful people, I do not wish them to go to hell. I know the saying, ‘WWJD’ is kind of corny, but it helps me relate to difficult situations by thinking how Jesus would handle it. He forgave people that were above and beyond those who have offended me, they had Him nailed to the cross, and He forgave them. That gives me the example that no matter what someone does to me, I can and should forgive them.

Now I am not chummy with an unrepentive fellow human, but I am cordial. I dont seek out contact, either. If we cross paths, I can smile and move on. That smile should allow the opportunity for them to say sorry. Reconciliation is wonderful, then you know that the person is on their way to heaven. We are to try to look at them like Jesus does, we are in the same boat together.
 
You did not sin by not speaking to the priest and walking away. When we cannot be nice it is best to say nothing at all. Please take the advice to talk to another priest as this anger is not good for you.
 
Son,

Even though he is a Priest – he is also a man. As such he has all the same personality traits that we all do: anger, selfishness, ego, love, understanding, and forgiveness. The thing is as adults and Christians we should try to control the “unpleasent” emotions but that does not always work. There is nothing wrong with getting angry: as in the example with Jesus getting angry at the money lenders in the temple and turning over their tables and chasing them out. We all get angry – everyone. As you stated the Priest argued with you – regardless of the subject, people can differ on opinions but can still have respect each other. I think you also did the right thing in walking away: nothing was going to get resolved as the “discussion” in the past was not resolved. And there would have been no point in rehashing it again.

I am sure that you will forgive him, it may not be right away. Some wounds take time to heal, but I am sure that in time you will forgive him and move past this. Just try for now to use this as a learning experience of how NOT to treat another person. That you can have a debate but still be civil towards each other. That is how we develop our own views on life – by not only listening to those that agree with us but also listening to those that do not.

I will pray that you find peace and understanding.

Winter
 
I remember a priest friend of mine telling of a penitent confessing to a similar struggle with someone who had hurt them very badly, was always saying something to upset them, etc, etc. The priest hearing this confession made many suggestions for healing the rift, which was obviously causing the penitent great angst, but all were rejected. Finally he asked if she could bake this person cookies, or something. In exasperation, she finally blurted out: “Sure, OK. What kind of cookies would you like, Father?”

Talk to another priest about how to cope with this, but do get help in letting go. It is a poisonous infection, and does you the most harm of all.
 
get away from the priest. Why do you have to keep thinking one ounce of a thought more about this guy? He’s not god. Maybe he’s corrupted.

Just— get AWAY from this guy. Go elsewhere.
 
On a more serious note…

Although the behavior that has you on edge about what he does was many years ago, you are describing an on-going pattern of objectively problematic behavior. Talk to fellow parishioners about the issues you yourself have witnessed. Did anyone say anything? What happened. Pass over those things that you know about by rumor only, and encourage those who bring them to you to deal with the priest directly or else get someone more discrete and knowledgeable than you can be to help them figure it out.

I found it very helpful, too, to be told about the difference between forgiveness (which the victim can accomplish alone by letting go of ill will over the offense) and reconciliation (which is a process involving both the offender and the victim of the offense). If we try to force ourselves into reconciliation with someone who has violated our trust and neither repented nor made any amends, we are going to get push-back from our emotions.

One necessary element of reconciliation is to stop the offending behavior. It requires some meeting of the minds on what effort (at the very least) each expects of the other. I would really suggest you consult with another priest over this issue. If you do not trust that this priest hasn’t given himself carte blanche to be as hurtful towards you he feels inclined to be at the moment, of course you’re going to feel the fight-or-flight response every time you see him! You can’t just “will” that response away, except by deciding that you are willing to expect and pass over whatever hurtful things come out of his mouth. While possible as an only option, that is not in either your best interest or in his for as long as more productive options exist!

Honestly, if it were me, I would go to the diocese and ask the vicar of clergy for advice about how to handle the problem you are having. I don’t mean to go to him and say, “Fix this guy.” I mean to go and say, “These are the things that have happened, I am very upset, and I am at a loss about how to handle this. I don’t want to be a whistle-blower, I just want to be able to get along with this priest or else know that I’m doing the right thing by just avoiding him as much as possible. Could you guide me through this?”
 
lily22 said:
get away from the priest. Why do you have to keep thinking one ounce of a thought more about this guy? He’s not god. Maybe he’s corrupted.

Just— get AWAY from this guy. Go elsewhere.
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I think the OP would get much more peace from also having a priest assure him/her that avoidance is an appropriate response. This isn’t something that is dealt with purely in the head. It is something that needs a solution to tend to the emotional response that is being felt in such a negative way. That will almost surely be a process, though. A once-and-done “revelation” is possible, but that is not the way to bet. Thoughts can turn on a dime, but emotions usually need to be convinced that the situation has truly changed away from the previous ingrained perception and automatic reaction. That usually takes time.
 
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