Please pray for a very devastated man

  • Thread starter Thread starter HollowGhost
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
H

HollowGhost

Guest
Hello everyone. I am new as of today. It is day 5 since my wife of 23 years told me she had an affair. It lasted about a year. Very casual, but with a neighbor nearby. My new normal is 4 hours of sleep, wake up, vomit, and try not to snap at the children. I never understood the “one day at a time” thing until now.

I was a very upbeat, positive, friendly, outgoing person. Now I am literally a zombie, a “Hollow Ghost” of a man. I miss my old self.

We sat down together the last few nights and have prayed, cried, snuggled. She says she wants more than anything to re-commit to me, God, and our four children. That is a small positive. She is truly sorry, that much I am sure. And lastly, it was over more than a year ago. I went to a Catholic marriage and family counselor today; he was excellent and a true gift from God. We are going to counseling together day after tomorrow; supposedly excellent Catholic counselor as well.

Folks, I am a 25 year military officer, commercial pilot, strong character. Nothing in my 47 years on God’s earth could have possibly prepared me for this. It has destroyed me spiritually, physically, and mentally. I can’t eat; have lost 13 lbs in 5 days (was a “big” guy of 232 lbs).

We have 4 children, ages 8-12. We had a family prayer session tonight whereby I told them that dad is going through a bit of a tough time and that we were re-directing our family where it needs to be with Christ front and center. I realized today that we did not even have a portrait of Christ in the house so I bought one. I told the children no more video games after a certain hour so that we could have family time. No more Mass on Saturday and that’s it. We currently attend EVERY week. That is my one non-negotiable rule and I bid my schedule around Mass. I am also on the Pastoral Council.

I feel like I am on track but am so afraid. Nightfall is the worst; quiet house, afraid to sleep (can’t anyway) for fear of nightmares. I love my wife and can not imagine living without her. I love her so much that after the obligatory name calling, battering of questions, kicking her out (I spoke of of anger and recanted in 10 mins) that I did the hardest thing I have ever done. You all may fault me for this but I held her face in my hands (both of us balling), looked her in the eye, and told her I forgive her. It was all I could think to do after surviving the worst day of my life.

The bottom line was that I thought “What kind of Catholic would I be if I did not do just that”? I guess I am soliciting prayer, kind words, encouragement and words of hope from all of you.

If anyone here has survived this in their own lives, PLEASE tell me how you coped. What worked, what helped? Scripture verses? Obviously, successful outcomes are possible; please pray for me, my wife, and my family.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me…

Hollow Ghost
 
You will have prayers from me as often as I can, and they will include your family. I believe before today is over you will feel all the love, support and encouragement that the members of this forum can offer and when you read that support you will be very glad you gave us this opportunity to support and pray for you. God bless you with peace and strength.

Memorare

REMEMBER, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thy intercession was left unaided. Inspired with this confidence, I fly to thee, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother; to thee do I come; before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me. Amen.
 
HollowGhost said:
Hello everyone. I am new as of today. It is day 5 since my wife of 23 years told me she had an affair. It lasted about a year. Very casual, but with a neighbor nearby. My new normal is 4 hours of sleep, wake up, vomit, and try not to snap at the children. I never understood the “one day at a time” thing until now.

I was a very upbeat, positive, friendly, outgoing person. Now I am literally a zombie, a “Hollow Ghost” of a man. I miss my old self.

We sat down together the last few nights and have prayed, cried, snuggled. She says she wants more than anything to re-commit to me, God, and our four children. That is a small positive. She is truly sorry, that much I am sure. And lastly, it was over more than a year ago. I went to a Catholic marriage and family counselor today; he was excellent and a true gift from God. We are going to counseling together day after tomorrow; supposedly excellent Catholic counselor as well.
Folks, I am a 25 year military officer, commercial pilot, strong character. Nothing in my 47 years on God’s earth could have possibly prepared me for this. It has destroyed me spiritually, physically, and mentally. I can’t eat; have lost 13 lbs in 5 days (was a “big” guy of 232 lbs).
We have 4 children, ages 8-12. We had a family prayer session tonight whereby I told them that dad is going through a bit of a tough time and that we were re-directing our family where it needs to be with Christ front and center. I realized today that we did not even have a portrait of Christ in the house so I bought one. I told the children no more video games after a certain hour so that we could have family time. No more Mass on Saturday and that’s it. We currently attend EVERY week. That is my one non-negotiable rule and I bid my schedule around Mass. I am also on the Pastoral Council.
I feel like I am on track but am so afraid. Nightfall is the worst; quiet house, afraid to sleep (can’t anyway) for fear of nightmares. I love my wife and can not imagine living without her. I love her so much that after the obligatory name calling, battering of questions, kicking her out (I spoke of of anger and recanted in 10 mins) that I did the hardest thing I have ever done. You all may fault me for this but I held her face in my hands (both of us balling), looked her in the eye, and told her I forgive her. It was all I could think to do after surviving the worst day of my life.
The bottom line was that I thought “What kind of Catholic would I be if I did not do just that”? I guess I am soliciting prayer, kind words, encouragement and words of hope from all of you.
If anyone here has survived this in their own lives, PLEASE tell me how you coped. What worked, what helped? Scripture verses? Obviously, successful outcomes are possible; please pray for me, my wife, and my family.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me…

Hollow Ghost
Click to expand...
Welcome Hollow Ghost.:tiphat:👋
Make yourself at home.
Enjoy the forums & resources.
Join in & grow in faith.
I’ll be praying for the intentions of you & your family.
God bless.:harp::highprayer:
 
Will pray for you my friend. This is certainly devastating. My ex-wife did the same thing about 10 years ago. However, she left and would not come back. So, we ended up divorcing. I would say that if my ex-wife would have been willing to work through it, we’d be together. I believe that’s how it’s meant to be but she did not want to reconcile. I am now remarried and it’s been great but I believe the preference is to work things out. As long as your wife is willing, please consider it and … what you said was right on the practical side… one day at a time. The Lord will eventually heal your marriage. Just don’t quit. It will get better but it will take a while. God bless you.
 
I will pray for you bro. This must be incredibly hard. 😦

Hang in there man!
 
Our Father, Who art in heaven
Hallowed be Thy Name;
Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
and forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us;
and lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
Amen.

Hail Mary, full of grace.
The Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou amongst women,
and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God,
pray for us sinners,
now and at the hour of our death.
Amen.

Glory be to the Father,
and to the Son,
and to the Holy Spirit:
As it was in the beginning,
is now,
and ever shall be,
world without end.
Amen.
 
God bless you. You did the right thing by forgiving her. I will pray for you. In addition to the fine Catholic counseling you are receiving you could benefit from Retrouvaille, a Catholic retreat program for troubled marriages.

Keep doing what you are doing keeping close to God through the Mass, the Sacraments, the
Eucharist, the Rosary. Over time you will heal with the help of God and The Blessed Mother.
 
A Marriage Prayer

Dear most caring, loving and understanding God, You are already aware of all my marriage problems, worries and pain I am about to take to You in prayer right at this blessed moment. Father God, I have tried my best and have done all that I could possibly do to try and resolved all the issues that have led to this present status of my marriage.

At this point, there is nothing else I can do, so I surrender everything to You! I sincerely plead for your divine intervention! Please take matters in your hands, and do what You have to do to fix my marriage.

Forgive me for the things I have done or unconsciously done that have contributed to this present state of my marriage. If there is anything I should have done at any point and have not done, or should have been doing and haven’t been doing, God please forgive me.

Father I know that I am far from being perfect, for this reason, I must admit that I am not blameless. Talk to me, show me what I have to do. Give me the wisdom, knowledge and understanding I need to play my part, day by day.

Touch the heart of my partner, and open up his/her eyes dear Lord. Talk to him/her in a special way so that he/she may obey and be willing to meet me half-way. You know what exactly have changed the once loving, caring and understanding person I have initially married.

The person I stood beside in your Sanctuary in holy matrimony and make my vows to remain with for richer or poorer, and through sickness. The person I have pledged to remain with until death.

Father God, I believe in You and so I trust in You to take care of all my marriage problems. There is no favor too big to ask of You. I know that all I have to do when I pray, is to surrender everything to You and just have the faith to believe You are going to help me save my marriage. I know it has to be done your way and at a time chosen only by You – so choose your own time and have it your own way great, merciful Jesus. Thank You God. Amen!
 
Thank you all so much, PLEASE keep it coming.

She came home for lunch and we had one of the nicest, closet, most intimate conversations (with her next to me!) that we have ever had.

The fact that I still love her so very deeply and that she does too I beleive can only be the Gift of the Holy Spirit!

With Christ by our side and some of your prayers, this marriage will survive! Thank you all for taking the time to post; it was about 4 am when I wrote and had nowhere else to turn.

Your Brother in Christ who washes away all sin and cleanses of all iniquities,

Hollow Ghost
 
I can only offer my prayers that you will find peace and strength to hold your family together.
 
I’ll pray for you. Also military, did 23 years and I’ve got commercial and instrument rotary/ATP multi-engine fixed ratings. Unfortunately, I’m not flying but I can relate to you.

Like another poster, my wife decided she was done being wife and mother and she moved out. I ended up with the kids full time. She had someone move in with her a few weeks after moving out, and I was devastated. She suffered from depression off and on, it can make folks do pretty extreme things trying to feel something, anything again.

Anne Sheffields “Depression Fallout” helped me quite a bit. Not sure if it’s applicable in your case.

Keep praying for guidance from the Holy Spirit. He will be there to guide you if you ask.

About the only thing I can really tell you is, that as hard as this was for me it was 10 times worse for my kids. It’s one thing to have your wife leave you, it’s an entirely different level of damage, hurt, and attack on the self-image to have your own mother prefer to live somewhere else or destroy the family. To just visit, no matter how often. It has affected them on a very fundamental level, it is not something someone heals from like a cold or a severe illness. It is something they adapt to, like losing your sight, or an arm.

I would have done anything to prevent this, especially now seeing what it’s done to them.

Working out helped me quite a lot in dealing with it. You do need to take care of yourself.
 
I believe that saving a marriage is worth any amount of effort. Your strength and conviction during this very difficult time is very inspiring particularly to those of us considering a marriage vocation.

I will pray that you continue in this positive direction. Please keep us updated if you can.
 
I will pray for you and your family.

True forgiveness is hard. Healing takes time. But you seem like you’re on the right track. Time truly heals all wounds so long as we don’t spend it dwelling on them. That’s the big thing. You have to be careful not to dwell on it. It’s the past. Your wife is alive and with you. She wants to work things out and save the marriage. Do the counseling. Live in the moment with your wife and really take it day by day. I didn’t have anyone to tell me these things when my then BF and now husband was unfaithful and I damaged our relationship further by simply refusing to let it go and let myself/us heal. Wish I knew then what I know now!
 
Getting back together is always a good thing for the kids. But the couple must get clarity about and address the issues that led them to the point where one partner was vulnerable enough to temptation to fall for it. Otherwise it could happen again, and that would be really bad, extremely difficult to come back from, not to mention bad for the children. Part of moving forward is that both partners must remember that love is an action, not a feeling, when one is feeling down, that is not the time to think about blowing up the marriage just to get a temporary better feeling, no, that is more than ever the time to choose to love.

No need to discuss the issues publicly, it is enough if the OP and his wife can discuss them. For the OP’s sake, I hope the OP is clear on what will happen if his wife strays again. I pray for their children’s sake that it never happens.
 
It is great that you have forgiven her. I have found forgiveness to be healing even more for myself than the person being forgiven. I admire your courage and strength of character in forgiving her.

Still, I am struggling to understand why your wife told you about this affair in the first place. The affair supposedly ended over a year ago. Why not let it be and just work on building the marriage going forward? Instead, she decided seemingly out of the blue to hammer you with this.

I obviously don’t know the details, nor do I want to know, but in my 12 step group there is a certain type of confession that is considered selfish. The offender dumps all of the junk from the past on an unsuspecting spouse (relieving his or her burden of guilt), and the reeling spouse has to deal with the pain. I don’t know if that is what happened here, but the thought occurred to me.

Just be careful, friend. You are mired in a whirlwind of emotions right now and it will be difficult if not impossible for you to think straight. In addition to the marriage counseling, get some help for just yourself. Find an individual counselor and some friends who will be honest with you.

And again, while I agree with being quick to forgive, I don’t think that means you need to be quick to trust.
 
HollowGhost said:
Hello everyone. I am new as of today. It is day 5 since my wife of 23 years told me she had an affair. It lasted about a year. Very casual, but with a neighbor nearby. My new normal is 4 hours of sleep, wake up, vomit, and try not to snap at the children. I never understood the “one day at a time” thing until now.

I was a very upbeat, positive, friendly, outgoing person. Now I am literally a zombie, a “Hollow Ghost” of a man. I miss my old self.

We sat down together the last few nights and have prayed, cried, snuggled. She says she wants more than anything to re-commit to me, God, and our four children. That is a small positive. She is truly sorry, that much I am sure. And lastly, it was over more than a year ago. I went to a Catholic marriage and family counselor today; he was excellent and a true gift from God. We are going to counseling together day after tomorrow; supposedly excellent Catholic counselor as well.

Folks, I am a 25 year military officer, commercial pilot, strong character. Nothing in my 47 years on God’s earth could have possibly prepared me for this. It has destroyed me spiritually, physically, and mentally. I can’t eat; have lost 13 lbs in 5 days (was a “big” guy of 232 lbs).

We have 4 children, ages 8-12. We had a family prayer session tonight whereby I told them that dad is going through a bit of a tough time and that we were re-directing our family where it needs to be with Christ front and center. I realized today that we did not even have a portrait of Christ in the house so I bought one. I told the children no more video games after a certain hour so that we could have family time. No more Mass on Saturday and that’s it. We currently attend EVERY week. That is my one non-negotiable rule and I bid my schedule around Mass. I am also on the Pastoral Council.

I feel like I am on track but am so afraid. Nightfall is the worst; quiet house, afraid to sleep (can’t anyway) for fear of nightmares. I love my wife and can not imagine living without her. I love her so much that after the obligatory name calling, battering of questions, kicking her out (I spoke of of anger and recanted in 10 mins) that I did the hardest thing I have ever done. You all may fault me for this but I held her face in my hands (both of us balling), looked her in the eye, and told her I forgive her. It was all I could think to do after surviving the worst day of my life.

The bottom line was that I thought “What kind of Catholic would I be if I did not do just that”? I guess I am soliciting prayer, kind words, encouragement and words of hope from all of you.

If anyone here has survived this in their own lives, PLEASE tell me how you coped. What worked, what helped? Scripture verses? Obviously, successful outcomes are possible; please pray for me, my wife, and my family.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me…

Hollow Ghost
Click to expand...
Keep God as head of your household. Stay in counseling and when this is over, consider renewing your wedding vows. It will be just like starting over. 😉
 
Jesus must have been speaking into your ear and heart, and He must be joyful that you have done as He always has done - you have forgiven. He knows, as do we all, that it is never easy to say those selfless words, but it is the only way. Remember, as someone has said above, forgiveness is not the same as trust. Your trust has been broken, but you are on the right track. To the NEW FAMILY REGIMEN which you have begun, please add the daily recitation of the family Rosary. Our Lady will provide you with the right “glue” to hold your family together. She will accompany you and your wife too, to a new Cana, and will guard your new efforts at rebuilding your family.
The shock of this revelation will pass. You WILL sleep again; you will eat again; you will stop weeping. Life goes on, and this is a tragedy in your lives that working together, you will overcome. Your children, though they may not understand this now, will see the results of your determined efforts, and they will grow stronger too through it. Do NOT make the mistake of discussing the situation with them. Parents should never make their children into their confidants. They have nothing to do with the trouble, and should not be involved in it. It would appear you have taken the right tack in only telling them that you are going through a tough time right now.
ALL OF US, your friends at the Forum, will hold you closely in our prayers, along with your wife, and your children. This may be what makes you a Saint. Be positive, and take every struggle, tear and set-back (and there may be some) to Our Lord and His Mother.
Never forget, God loves you. Trust in that Love.
 
HollowGhost said:
We have 4 children, ages 8-12. I told the children no more video games after a certain hour so that we could have family time.
Click to expand...
I think you are a great man to be willing to forgive so soon after hearing such horrible news. However, I feel a VERY strong moral obligation to stand up for your kids.

When I was 12, my dad went through a horrible time (not the same circumstances as you but horrible nonetheless). He told me that because HE was going through a horrible time, I would have to give up some of MY favourite activities for HIM. I felt like he was blaming me and making me pay for something that was no my fault. And because of my dad’s insistence that at 12, I was to change my life to what he wanted it to be, when most 12 year old were finally getting their independence it ruined our relationship until the day he died.

I agree with you turning to God, I disagree with you forcing your kids to do as you say because of something they had nothing to do with. Because, it is IMO trying to have a kid meet an adult’s emotional needs which kids are not supposed to have to do.
 
I’ve been married for 12 years. Without going into much detail, we have surely had highs and lows. We almost separated after I got back from Afghanistan and it took years to resolve some of the issues from around that time. From my perspective, you have had a very blessed life to date. We all must be proven at some point, and this looks like your time to do it. Embrace your cross and charlie mike.

Posted from Catholic.com App for Android
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top