Please pray for me, I'm hurting and obsessing over a new guy

[Rubee]

I met him at a party about 3-4 weeks ago, around 12th December, and he spent all night talking to me and I liked him but felt it was just friendly because it was very warm and respectful and kind. I know that sounds strange, lol. I was disappointed when his friend joined us as I was planning to grab my coat to leave and then I did and was even more disappointed he didnt get my number. I never do this but I liked him so much I sent him a pm the next day on our group board thanking him 4 the company and introductions to a bunch of pple (I was the new awkward person). He responded by giving me his number and I felt weird contacting him so I thanked him 4 the contacts and gave him my number. So far so good.

He contacted me but soon, I got frustrated with how long he would take to respond to my texts (days), not engaging in conversation or asking to see me. I was taking great care not to blast him with texts as women are often warned not to do, so it became too painful (because I liked him quickly!) I told him after the 4th time, maybe 8 days later, that I had deleted his number because he was clearly uninterested in conversations (I wrote him on pm on the board where we are both members).

We had an exchange back n forth in which he was giving me excuses without indicating that he was open to changing that dynamic. I indicated my incredulity (the excuses) but in a polite way. Eventually, I told him to concentrate on enjoying his time with his family (it was Christmas by then) and that in future if he really wanted to get to know me in a normal way, he knew where he could find me and that at that time, who knows, I might still want to get to know him too. It was 24th December.

Early the next day I sent him a Merry Christmas (not on his phone, on the board). He responded on my phone but I didnt see it for 2 days because my phone was off. Anyway, he also responded on the board at the end of that day (25th) probably because I hadn’t opened my phone/whatsapp. 2 days later I opened my phone and saw the whatsapp message and the next day I acknowledged it with a thumbs up. I should’ve not done that, I think, but certainly I should not have sent a “Happy New Year” again on the board, on 1st afternoon. I had thought he’s send me one and was disappointed he didnt, and I am embarrassed that I decided to send it to him. Anyway, he only answered me the next day (2nd) in the evening, claiming he was still in his hometown and wishing me the best and “take care”…my stomach sunk, as I knew he was politely telling me “Goodbye”.

Continued below…

 

[Rubee]

Continued…

I had prayed before the party, to be led to meet the right pple, so when he spoke to me, and it went so well, I really thought it was an answered prayer. Then later during the back-n-forth, I prayed again and felt really peaceful/calm and sure that he was the guy. Then something happened to me and I became attached to him in my heart (literally, my chest area!) after. The moment I saw the whatsapp christmas, I felt like the dynamic had changed and the little interest he had had vanished.

Anyway, I should’ve forgotten him by now already but I’m having massive, massive trouble moving on past this guy I barely know. I 4get him and get real peaceful then I get a memory of every wrong thing I said/did and then feel awful; like God gave me what I asked and as usual I managed to sabotage things. I need peace. I also need to feel assurance that he was not the guy (for my peace of mind) so I can truly detach n be free.

 

[HopkinsReb]

He wasn’t “the guy,” because there’s no such thing as “the guy.”

If he was interested, it sounds like he was following some of the advice of the pick-up artist crowd. It’s a thing guys are often told to do: take forever to respond to texts and don’t show much interest to play off a woman’s insecurity so she’ll crave his attention and approval. It’s a bunch of self-centered manipulation, and it often works, unfortunately… And if he wasn’t interested, he just wasn’t interested.

He’s not “the guy.” There are thousands of guys with whom you could fall in love and have a long, happy life together. Go find the next guy.

 

[1ke]

I had prayed before the party, to be led to meet the right pple, so when he spoke to me, and it went so well, I really thought it was an answered prayer. Then later during the back-n-forth, I prayed again and felt really peaceful/calm and sure that he was the guy.

That is the problem with both feelings and our power of rationalization. When we really want something to be true, we can convince ourselves it’s God answering our prayer, we ask God for signs and for favors and then we see God’s answer in what we want to see-- I call this vending-machine-God or magic-8-ball-God. “Please let me make this basket/home run/touchdown”. “Please let me get a good grade on this test.” When I see someone going into this mode, I suggest they reflect on James 4:3 You ask but do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.

The answer was actually there: he didn’t call or text you, he hasn’t pursued you. But instead you wanted to see God answering your prayers so you focused on a “peaceful” feeling instead of the signs that were evident in his behavior.

Then something happened to me and I became attached to him in my heart (literally, my chest area!) after.

That’s called infatuation.

That’s not God giving you a sign, that’s your imagination contemplating all the things that could be. It’s exciting to meet a new person, full of possibility. It’s normal.

But when they give you signs they aren’t interested, then it’s time to move on.

then I get a memory of every wrong thing I said/did and then feel awful;

You didn’t do or say anything wrong. You let him know you were interested, and he wasn’t interested. It stings. But you didn’t do anything wrong.

 

[1ke]

like God gave me what I asked and as usual I managed to sabotage things.

God isn’t a vending machine. God doesn’t just drop “the one” down from heaven. There are lots of people who could be potential matches. It’s up to us to build a relationship the old-fashioned way. Through mutual respect, time, and commitment. Most guys your age aren’t in the mode of finding a wife. Girls are often more mature than guys at this age.

If you truly believe your statement, that you are sabotaging and “screwing up” things, then you have a poor self image. You didn’t do anything. You let the guy know you were interested, he wasn’t. It happens.

Maybe get some counseling? Do you have counselors at your college you can talk to?

I can suggest that you not build things up in your head based on one conversation. Yes, you had a good evening. It was fun, he was an interesting person. He didn’t get your number-- which is actually a pretty clear sign he’s not interested in pursing anything. But, some guys are shy, and when he didn’t reach out via the group text/chat, and you did, if he’d been interested he would have used that as an opening. But, you made a lot out of one conversation in your head-- don’t be so focused on “the guy”. Just take a conversation like that for what it is-- a conversation. You were “annoyed” that other people joined your conversation. I’d say that’s WAY disproportionate to the situation!

Sometimes social cues are hard to pick up. If you find that difficult, all the more reason to talk to a counselor.

I also need to feel assurance that he was not the guy (for my peace of mind) so I can truly detach n be free.

Maybe some spiritual direction from your priest would help too-- because you are putting WAY too much emphasis on both “the guy” and the wrong kinds of prayers to God.

There isn’t a “the guy”.

 

[Rubee]

But, some guys are shy, and when he didn’t reach out via the group text/chat, and you did, if he’d been interested he would have used that as an opening.

Actually, this is why I got confused. Because he did take the opening, wrote me a nice text and gave me his number. So I gave him mine too.

The answer was actually there: he didn’t call or text you, he hasn’t pursued you.

That’s the thing. He was texting me. That’s part of why I wanted him to stop (when I told him I had deleted his number) because I’d manage to 4get him then he’d pop up again and I’d get excited, then off he’d vanish again. After the 4th time when he popped up again and vanished, I had had enough of the roller coaster and that’s why I deleted his number.

And it’s embarrassing to admit this, but he and I are not young. We are both in our thirties.

I mention the self-sabotage because it’s been kind of a theme. I’ve had a string of awful luck at work, finances, friendships etc for a few years straight and its sort of primed me to thinking something really weird is going on with me. Like a weird curse.

Then something happened to me and I became attached to him in my heart (literally, my chest area!) after.

Yes, I didn’t mean I thought that was from God: I was indicating that as the problem. I can pin down the moment it turned into infatuation, just last week. It was the “peaceful” feelings (not the attachment) that made me think God was saying yes, but you’re right. I was too hopeful and reading way too much into things, just coz I really, really liked him.

Now I just want to be free of him.

For added context: I haven’t dated in years. I just started, about late November. He was the second guy. I guess I’m very rusty!

 

[Rubee]

If he was interested, it sounds like he was following some of the advice of the pick-up artist crowd. It’s a thing guys are often told to do: take forever to respond to texts and don’t show much interest to play off a woman’s insecurity so she’ll crave his attention and approval. It’s a bunch of self-centered manipulation, and it often works, unfortunately…

Actually, that’d help me if he was doing that, because I find it really off-putting and reflective of really bad character. In fact, reading this the first time, I literally felt some of my attachment melt away because I was thinking how repulsive what you describe is. It’s just mean n cruel.

 

[1ke]

Actually, this is why I got confused. Because he did take the opening, wrote me a nice text and gave me his number. So I gave him mine too.

He responded to your message. I’m not talking about one text. I’m talking about the totality of your conversations-- all initiated by you. It may be he was trying to be polite. It may be he was initially interested and changed his mind. It may be that he was busy with Christmas. Who knows? Point is-- you gave him your number. He didn’t use it. You kept texting him. He replied. This is not “taking the opening”.

That’s the thing. He was texting me.

He was texting you in reply to your initiation.

And it’s embarrassing to admit this, but he and I are not young. We are both in our thirties.

Then all the more reason to talk to a counselor.

And, all the more reason to understand he wasn’t interested.

I mention the self-sabotage because it’s been kind of a theme. I’ve had a string of awful luck at work, finances, friendships etc for a few years straight and its sort of primed me to thinking something really weird is going on with me. Like a weird curse.

Or, you’ve just had some bad breaks and are very prone to seeing the supernatural where maybe it’s just normal stuff. Talk to both a counselor and a spiritual director or your pastor.

Now I just want to be free of him.

You are free of him. You’ve stopped texting. You’ve deleted his number.

 

[Rubee]

He responded to your message. I’m not talking about one text. I’m talking about the totality of your conversations-- all initiated by you. It may be he was trying to be polite. It may be he was initially interested and changed his mind. It may be that he was busy with Christmas. Who knows? Point is-- you gave him your number. He didn’t use it. You kept texting him. He replied. This is not “taking the opening”.

I initiated Christmas and New Years, yes (which I regret, especially because I had just told him to concentrate on his family and essentially cut our back-n-forth short just the previous evening) and the first pm after the party, but all the convos in-between were initiated by him, I swear! After I sent him my number, he began initiating the convos on my phone. He’d pop up to “check up on me” and say Hi, etc All of them.

 

[Lee1]

This guy represents THE guy you can’t have possibly.

If it was meant to be it would have been, if you see what I mean.

There are 3 billion other men, okay so maybe 1 billion of the right age group?

 

[Rubee]

Lol. True dat.

 

[1ke]

Well, he was flirting, or bored, or whatever.

I think you got overly anxious in the pursuit. If this was all over Christmas, and he was texting you a little here and there-- I’m not sure that merited the text you sent him deleting his phone number and proclaiming him to be uninterested.

Obviously I wasn’t there. But from the outside looking it, it seems like you were putting a LOT of pressure on a few text exchanges to be something. Then when it wasn’t what you wanted it to be, you told the guy to get lost because he is clearly uninterested in conversations. That’s after only 8 days? And then when you take up again texting him (mixed signals from you) you tell him “in future if you really want to get to know me in a normal way, you know where to find me and that at that time, who knows, I might still want to get to know you too”.

Guys have a name for this: psycho chick.

I’m sorry if that is harsh-- but over an 8 day period you went hot and cold, deleted him, texted him again, told him he wasn’t interested, told him he knew where to find you if he was interested.

That isn’t attractive behavior. It puts men off. If this is really representative of how this exchange went, then I really recommend talking to someone about how you are interacting with men.

 

[Rubee]

LOL. I really do sound crazy, don’t I? Would it help if I said that I deleted him because he’d initiate texts and then vanish, leaving me hanging? It was after the 4th time he did that I deleted him. I just calculated, from the party to the deleting text was like 11 days…Does that help? Is there anyway for “psycho chick” to recover? I swear I’m not psycho. I just dont like the roller coaster, and I liked him too much (hence the christmas/new years pms)…

 

[edward_george1]

I think 1ke’s advice is pretty good. You need to seek some counseling. The way you put so much weight on a relationship that was actually pretty brief and not all that deep, the way you rationalize and explain every single thing that happened and why you intended it, and the fact that it bothered you enough to ask about it on a public forum. All of that adds up to the need for someone objective who is qualified to help you sort through these things. Very likely, they show that there are some underlying issues that probably need to be addressed.

You are in my prayers.

-Fr ACEGC

 

[1Lord1Faith]

I just dont like the roller coaster,

FWIW, I think the first response to this thread is most likely what this guy was doing. He was either leading you on, or just wasn’t that into you. Either way it’s not your fault. Your responses to him seemed sensible considering that, for a moment, you were a little infatuated with him.

I can’t say for sure whether he was leading you on just to keep you “on the hook”, but it sure sounds like it. Anyway, I think he was not all that he appeared to be, and your initial instincts to move on were correct.

 

[1ke]

No, eleven days to me is still psycho chick territory.

It was 11 days. That isn’t very long.

I think you put way to much emphasis on the few texts he sent. Spent a lot of time thinking and analyzing and overthinking.

You need to learn to let things develop at their own pace. Eleven days is NOTHING. It’s barely a week and a half. You were trying to push things along and he wasn’t moving at the pace you wanted him to. The texts you sent sounded like girlfriend/relationship texts (at least your summary of them) not “I met him a week ago” texts.

I just dont like the roller coaster,

It wasn’t a roller coaster. It was 11 days.

You had only talked once at a party, and exchanged a few texts. Frankly, it wasn’t anything let alone a relationship or a relationship roller coaster, or an emotional roller coaster.

You put WAY too much weight on this. It was likely a very normal interaction for him, and you’ve put all this meaning on it, all this pressure on it, and are viewing it through a very skewed lens (IMHO).

 

[halogirl]

aww we’ve many of us been there. You sound on the younger side, or possibly hurt and maybe in need of a connection. Live your life and concentrate on your Friends. The right person won’t keep you guessing but equally try and take your mind of it and don’t obsess or you will find yourself putting people off when I am sure you are a lovely girl xx

 

[Rubee]

The texts you sent sounded like girlfriend/relationship texts (at least your summary of them) not “I met him a week ago” texts.

Ah, ok. I tried to make sure my pms were not presumptuous. For example, in the text telling him I’d deleted his contacts, I was very cordial and simply told him that it was plain he wasn’t interested in having conversations, and that was my own interest, so it didn’t make sense to keep in touch that way. I just meant: we are not trying to get to know each other…at all. So what’s the point?

We don’t have to be girlfriend n boyfriend right away but if there’s no attempt to talk, I tend to see it as “wasting my time” territory. Maybe I really just need to get comfortable waiting, but I think it’s very hard when some deliberately makes himself scarce right when you pose a simple q: For example, 'What u been up to urself?" after asking n receiving my answer, then disappears. Just seems rather rude. And after a few rounds, the “wasting my time” sense grew strong and I deleted him.

The rest of the drama only happened after that, in like 3 days. Because he responded with explanations that were even more bizzare to me and I didn’t pretend to believe them. Like the last one on Christmas eve he sent me a text at 1 am in the morning, saying he had driven all the way to his hometown hundreds of miles away, and that it was “an example of the busyness” he was telling me about that doesn’t allow him to respond quickly. But he doesn’t drive there everyday, he only drove because: Christmas. So I cheekily asked him that with a smiley.

Then I realized we were arguing via pm and it was weird, so I told him he should focus on his family for the holidays and he knew where to find me in future if he was interested in getting to know me in a normal way i.e. through having conversations.

Bizzarely, it was during the drama induced by my deletion of his contacts that we had had the most normal conversations/exchanges, ever since the party! I should not have sent him the Merry Christmas next morning but I wanted him to know there was no bad blood or anything (It was just “Merry Christmas!” Nothing too deep). But on New Years, I admit my motives really were that I missed talking to him, I won’t front on that.

 

[Lifeisbeautiful3]

Having read throgh your post, it sounds exhausting! I understand your frustration. Echoing 1ke, it does sound a bit ‘drama-esque’ from the outside.

Might suggest move on from this guy in favor of making you…the best version of you (morally, mentally, physically, etc.) through friends/work/hobbies. This may more naturally provide outlet, so as to not let a happenstance meeting become frustrating.

 

[DisorientingSneeze]

thanking him 4 the company and introductions to a bunch of pple (I was the new awkward person)

Did you say you met some other new people? Focus on forging friendships with them and with others. Obsessing over this guy sounds very isolating.