Please pray for me? Relationship breakup

[Ryzeke]

I have my story somewhere deep in these boards about me just recently being dumped by my girlfriend of 13 months. I was deeply in love with her and was planning a future, so I was crushed by it, however, I realized the need for me to convert to Catholicism. And so that I consider to be very much a blessing. I’ve been growing closer and closer to God because of it, and I couldn’t ask for more.

But because my girlfriend has been dating another guy since the week we broke up, it has been even harder to get over the grief. I know that I still want her back, but at the same time, I just want to move on. I love her so much, and I’ve been praying so hard for her new relationship. I just want her to be happy, and for me to be able to move on.

I don’t want to pray to get her back. To what glory and honor would I bring to Him if I prayed to get her back? I could never justify praying to God for someone I want back. That’s a selfish thing to do, and I don’t want to pray for something that brings no honor and glory to His name.

And so I’ve been praying every night, ‘Just release me from this burden God. It slows me down in wanting to grow closer to You, and I know that you have a plan for me. That there was a reason for my breakup, and it’s lead me to convert. But I want to just bless her and her new b/f in their relationship, and I to forget about her. I just want to move on.’

But I simply can’t shake her out of my head! I know that no good can come from me wishing for her to come back. But I feel like my prayers are not being answered. I mean, is it so bad for me to pray for blessings for her and her relationship, and for me to move on? So I can grow closer to Him? I can only hope that she would be the one wanting to return, because she chooses me. And I can’t and don’t want to control that. Only God knows if we’re to be together again, and I give it up to Him to decide if we’re together again. But why am I still burdened by the thought(s) of her!?

Ugh, please pray for me to get through this.

 

[flyingfish]

Break ups are hard, you just have to give it time. You mentioned you attend this young lady’s church, do you see here there frequently? I think you should find a different church to attend so that you don’t meet her by accident.

You just need to give it time, make an effort to meet new women, resist the temptation to think or even pray for your ex girlfriend. Thinking about her, even if just during prayer, will make it harder for you to move on.

Also you should realize that she probably was cheating on you, or if she wasn’t actually cheating she must have had a relationship with that other guy before she broke up with you. It would seem very unlikely that she would find a new guy immediately after breaking up wtih you.

 

[Ryzeke]

Ya, I know she had been ‘seeing’ this guy earlier. They shared a class together over the fall semester, and I remember her coming to me talking about him. Saying, “There’s this guy in my class from CO, and he’s so interesting. We agree on a lot of topics.” Which THAT should’ve been my first warning sign. But I wasn’t going to get jealous over it. I mean, I’m not going to stop her from making new friends. It’s all in the past, and so I’ve learned about the boundaries thing for future relationships.

As far as praying for her. I just gave it a final ‘just bless her and her relationship, and watch over her for her safety.’ I know that me continuing is intentionally putting her in my mind, so I don’t actively do it anymore.

I go to her church now, yes. But I’m not going there to see her. I go to the same Mass every Sunday and if I see her, then I see her. If she doesn’t want to see me, then she has to approach me about it. I can’t read her mind, so she’d have to tell me if she wanted me to attend a different service. Besides, this church has a terrific college-aged youth group, for which I look forward to making a lot of new friends and possibly new dating interests.

I’m a very confident man, and I know exactly what I want and need. And right now, I don’t need to think about her. But she’s in my mind as our past relationship, and I just keep praying to God to remove these thoughts. I don’t want OR need them.

 

[flyingfish]

I go to her church now, yes. But I’m not going there to see her. I go to the same Mass every Sunday and if I see her, then I see her. If she doesn’t want to see me, then she has to approach me about it. I can’t read her mind, so she’d have to tell me if she wanted me to attend a different service. Besides, this church has a terrific college-aged youth group, for which I look forward to making a lot of new friends and possibly new dating interests.

I’m a very confident man, and I know exactly what I want and need. And right now, I don’t need to think about her. But she’s in my mind as our past relationship, and I just keep praying to God to remove these thoughts. I don’t want OR need them.

You’re right, if this Church is particuarly good you shouldn’t leave even if she wants you to.

Maybe praying for God to remove these thoughts is a bad way to go about it. It’s kind of like trying not to think of the white bear. Are you very active in other areas of your life? From personal experience with difficult break ups, the single best thing is meeting other people. You don’t even have to date them. If you meet a few interesting and attractive women and hang out with them in a friendship context, your ex girlfriend will seem far less appealing.

 

[Ryzeke]

You’re right, if this Church is particuarly good you shouldn’t leave even if she wants you to.

Maybe praying for God to remove these thoughts is a bad way to go about it. It’s kind of like trying not to think of the white bear. Are you very active in other areas of your life? From personal experience with difficult break ups, the single best thing is meeting other people. You don’t even have to date them. If you meet a few interesting and attractive women and hang out with them in a friendship context, your ex girlfriend will seem far less appealing.

Ya, I see what you’re saying. I’ve had to drop back on some of my activities as of lately, but it’s really only temporary. It’s been awhile since I’ve been involved in college church youth groups, so I’m really looking forward to those opportunities for new connections and friendships.

I just want to get over her. I’ve accepted the fact that she broke up with me and has no interest in me any longer. I just want to move on!! Maybe in the FAR future, we can indeed be friends. But to go from love of you life, to nothing. Man. I wish that burden on NO one…

 

[kalerumi]

I’m praying for you - I recently had to break up with my fiance, whom I’d been with for 13 months. Going from having the security and confidence of a relationship with a person you love to the sometimes-scary world of singleness is a hard thing. Don’t worry about the fact that you still feel those emotions - it will take time for those to go away. But you’re definitely doing the right thing by praying for her and her current boyfriend the way that you are.

I know it hurts, but try to be thankful for the fact that she was honest with you about her feelings - it sucks to have an imbalanced exchange of emotions, but at least you’re out now before it progressed to a full scale affair with the other guy.

I really, really recommend reading Boundaries in Dating by Drs. Cloud and Townsend - not a “Catholic” or even “Protestant” book so to speak, but it has EXCELLENT, EXCELLENT advice for setting emotional, spiritual, and other forms of boundaries in relationships. Re-reading some of this helped me call it off with my fiance when I honestly was scared to do so - as well as the prayers and support from members on this board! I feel like this book might give you some peace about how your relationship with your ex ended.

Have you tried reconnecting with some of your guy friends that may have fallen off your relationship “radar” lately?

 

[Trishie]

I’ve see my sons go through something like that. They tended to speak to me through these times, “Mum, I’m shattered”. “Mum, music keeps me from going insane” and we kept much more than usual in contact over these times. But then each arrived at the time they found someone else. It took time and it didn’t seem like it wouldn’t happen. But this second person… I’ve never seen my sons so happy. For each of my sons, the next girl was ‘keeper’ in the real sense. “Mum, we’ve been married for three years but I love her more and more.” “Mum, C is really there for me”. “Mum, I can hardly wait for when we are married!”, a big step up from the shaky, “Mum, I’m shattered” when his previous girlfriend proved unloving.
It doesn’t feel like it can happen, but I pray it will for you, with the right girl at the right time.

 

[Ryzeke]

I know it hurts, but try to be thankful for the fact that she was honest with you about her feelings - it sucks to have an imbalanced exchange of emotions, but at least you’re out now before it progressed to a full scale affair with the other guy.

Have you tried reconnecting with some of your guy friends that may have fallen off your relationship “radar” lately?

I suppose that I should be thankful. She’s only 20, and I’m 23. It wasn’t too long ago when I was that age, and was unsure about things. But the new guy she’s dating is also 23. I’m told he’s very very similar to me. Weird.

And as far as guy friends off the relationship radar… well. I’m actually a dude. So I’m not really looking for a romantic relationship with them lol. Perhaps rekindling friendships would be more appropriate.

She was my best friend. We had a terrific friendship before we started dating. I tried to take things slow with her so that she knew I was in for a serious relationship. One that was build on God, or so I thought. She’s a very devout Catholic, and that was very admirable to me. I’ll just have to start looking again =(

Good women are hard to find. =P

 

[kalerumi]

No, I knew you were a guy. Let me clarify - I was so consumed with my relationship with my fiance that I let a lot of my same-sex friendships slide a bit. I still kept in touch with my closest girlfriends, but I didn’t prioritize some of the others. When I started reconnecting with my girlfriends, and rebuilding my “network”, that’s when the healing process really kind of kicked off for me. It’s still definitely a process, it’s only been a month now, but it really helped. I realize now that if I hadn’t let those relationships slide, I would have noticed a lot of unhealthy tendencies in my relationship with my ex - many of my friends saw the warning signs, but didn’t feel connected enough to me to be able to say anything about it.

 

[kalerumi]

All that to say - rekindling friendships as you put it (I just reread your post) is a good place to start in the recovery process. If your friends are anything like mine they’ve been waiting on it. Most of my friends welcomed the change of conversation from Catholicism to break-up.

 

[Ryzeke]

kalerumi, you DO seem to have a very similar situation as mine. But I kept in pretty good contact with my friends even during our relationship. I think part of what hurt it was that most of them have graduated and moved away. And so, I never really made ‘new’ friends to take the place of the ones who moved away. I really needed the face to face contact of my friends.

Because of this, I think I was a little needy or clingy. Even now, I think I’d fall into that trap again because the same problem exists. But it’s never been hard for me to make new friends. I had just liked the ones I had =P.

I REALLY do hope that in the future, her and I will be on good enough grounds that we can handle a true friendship. I’ve never just ‘cut ties’ with anyone. No event has ever been big enough to warrant a ‘go our separate ways and never speak again.’ She was my ‘spiritual buddy’ as well, and I loved talking about faith with her. Everything now just seems so foreign to me now because of what I was used to.

I may have to ‘rekindle’ the friendship with my ex in about 4-5 months. And I’ve already decided that if she does come back to me, I’ll just politely ask her to spend 2-3 months being single. So that she can truly ‘reaffirm and discover’ herself, like she originally wanted.

 

[kalerumi]

I’d suggest getting started right away on the making-new-friends path. The last thing women want is a needy and clingy man.

You might want to be prepared for the fact that your ex may not want a friendship with you after everything that happened between you two - it’s very difficult to revert to just-friends after difficult situations like this. It’s not because either party is guilty, or in the wrong, it’s just once those emotional boundaries have been crossed, it’s really hard to set them back again. My prayers are with you both.

 

[flyingfish]

I think for the time being you should not make plans to be friends with her in the future. This doesn’t always work out, and I think concentrating and thinking about a possible friendship is making it harder for you to move on.

 

[belovedandbless]

I go to her church now, yes. But I’m not going there to see her. I go to the same Mass every Sunday and if I see her, then I see her. If she doesn’t want to see me, then she has to approach me about it. I can’t read her mind, so she’d have to tell me if she wanted me to attend a different service. Besides, this church has a terrific college-aged youth group, for which I look forward to making a lot of new friends and possibly new dating interests.

I am in the same sitaution, if you read the update onmy thread. You will know that my boyfriend broke up with me Friday night

I have the smae problem in that the church we used to for Weekday Mass and Adoration is the nearest one to my university( I commute to and from school everyday). The other one is one I will have to take two taxis and an hour to get there and is in the opposite direction.So for now I am considering my options. I may go to weekday Mass and Adoration eslewhere but if it is incovenient I will simply try to go at the times when he is likely not to be there. But for your healing’s sake, try to be physcially separate from the places you used to go or the things you used to do as much as you possibly can, until you have healed and moved on. Even if by some miracle, she and you get back together again, you would need to be completely healed from the past in order to work.Going where she is now is like pulling the scab from a cut that is healing. It will take longer for the cut to heal.

Otherwise, to help you heal you can do what I plan to do…go for Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament and simply sit before Juesus. You can talk to Him or simply sit and be with him. Exposure to the Healer and time is what will heal you. Not just time alone.

 

[SophiaOrthi]

It’s strange, but I have gone through pretty much the exact same situation. Dated a girl for about a year (officially, we were kinda dating before that), was planning for the future, when to propose etc… Then, one week after our anniversary (which was also one week before my birthday) and less than a week after she had gone back to school (I’m also 23 and she’s 20… strange) she called me and broke up with me over the phone. Needless to say, I was utterly and completely shattered. Spent the first few months see-sawing back and forth between deep sorrow and just indifference… The first week was me desperately trying to get her back.

It took months, but after a year now I can say that I’ve gotten over, in a sense. I still have feelings for her, as deep and real as they were then which surface from time to time… But overall I have moved on.

Looking back, I can see the hand of God in it; I was protestant at the time (now Catholic!) and knew that I wanted to become Catholic, but was waffling about. Her breaking up with me not only gave me kick that I needed to become Catholic, it taught me so much about relationships that I didn’t understand before.

All I can say is keep praying; go out and meet new people, hang out with good friends… get to know more girls. And get yourself into the Church as quick as possible! (I mean, what better place to meet girls? ) And I’ll be praying for you.

 

[Ryzeke]

It’s strange, but I have gone through pretty much the exact same situation. Dated a girl for about a year (officially, we were kinda dating before that), was planning for the future, when to propose etc… Then, one week after our anniversary (which was also one week before my birthday) and less than a week after she had gone back to school (I’m also 23 and she’s 20… strange) she called me and broke up with me over the phone. Needless to say, I was utterly and completely shattered. Spent the first few months see-sawing back and forth between deep sorrow and just indifference… The first week was me desperately trying to get her back.

It took months, but after a year now I can say that I’ve gotten over, in a sense. I still have feelings for her, as deep and real as they were then which surface from time to time… But overall I have moved on.

** Looking back, I can see the hand of God in it; I was protestant at the time (now Catholic!) and knew that I wanted to become Catholic, but was waffling about. Her breaking up with me not only gave me kick that I needed to become Catholic, it taught me so much about relationships that I didn’t understand before.**

All I can say is keep praying; go out and meet new people, hang out with good friends… get to know more girls. And get yourself into the Church as quick as possible! (I mean, what better place to meet girls? ) And I’ll be praying for you.

I see the same thing for myself. Because of the relationship, it has lead me to the Catholic Church, and to convert. I love that I’ve been able to use my pain and suffering to really listen to Him and His calling for me. However, it’s like I keep thinking “Ok, I’ve heard Your calling, and You’ve lead me home. For that I’m extremely thankful God. But now that I’ve listened, please prepare me for my next relationship. I can’t still be thinking about her if I’m to be in another relationship.”

I thought that my ex’s and I’s relationship was a God centered relationship. One where we put Him first. I realize it wasn’t, and I just want to learn how to do it. I know that’s what I need for a successful marriage.

That’s not to say that I’m rushing into marriage. I have a lot of things left I want to accomplish beforehand. I had even told my ex that while I was interested in marriage, we shouldn’t think too much about it until we both had graduated.

 

[dakotagirl]

I have my story somewhere deep in these boards about me just recently being dumped by my girlfriend of 13 months. I was deeply in love with her and was planning a future, so I was crushed by it, however, I realized the need for me to convert to Catholicism. And so that I consider to be very much a blessing. I’ve been growing closer and closer to God because of it, and I couldn’t ask for more.

But because my girlfriend has been dating another guy since the week we broke up, it has been even harder to get over the grief. I know that I still want her back, but at the same time, I just want to move on. I love her so much, and I’ve been praying so hard for her new relationship. I just want her to be happy, and for me to be able to move on.

I don’t want to pray to get her back. To what glory and honor would I bring to Him if I prayed to get her back? I could never justify praying to God for someone I want back. That’s a selfish thing to do, and I don’t want to pray for something that brings no honor and glory to His name.

And so I’ve been praying every night, ‘Just release me from this burden God. It slows me down in wanting to grow closer to You, and I know that you have a plan for me. That there was a reason for my breakup, and it’s lead me to convert. But I want to just bless her and her new b/f in their relationship, and I to forget about her. I just want to move on.’

But I simply can’t shake her out of my head! I know that no good can come from me wishing for her to come back. But I feel like my prayers are not being answered. I mean, is it so bad for me to pray for blessings for her and her relationship, and for me to move on? So I can grow closer to Him? I can only hope that she would be the one wanting to return, because she chooses me. And I can’t and don’t want to control that. Only God knows if we’re to be together again, and I give it up to Him to decide if we’re together again. But why am I still burdened by the thought(s) of her!?

Ugh, please pray for me to get through this.

Ugh, I am so sorry you are going through this. . Especially since she has been dating since the week you broke up (???) That royally burns. :sad_yes:
Basically you need to memorize these words: HER LOSS. Say it over and over again. Offer God all your suffering, and eventually you will get through. I’m so sorry.

 

[chevalier]

But because my girlfriend has been dating another guy since the week we broke up

Sounds like she wasn’t all that into you. I remember initiating an acquaintance with a nice girl the very day or the next day after I was refused a relationship by a girl who would hang out with me one on one, but dating a new person within a week of breaking up with a long-time boyfriend is quite extreme. It could be explained in terms of rebound or the opposite of rebound, i.e. just being consequent in one’s decision and not looking back, but I suppose the typical person would either be too affected by the break-up to do that or would fall for a comforter (classic cliche), which your story doesn’t seem to imply.

, it has been even harder to get over the grief. I know that I still want her back, but at the same time, I just want to move on. I love her so much, and I’ve been praying so hard for her new relationship. I just want her to be happy, and for me to be able to move on.

Little time has passed. People claim a relationship takes half or once again its duration to get over, but I remember needing a bit more than that (my last relationship, in fact). It won’t just go poof merely because it’s been pronounced over. Human emotions don’t work that way.

I don’t want to pray to get her back. To what glory and honor would I bring to Him if I prayed to get her back? I could never justify praying to God for someone I want back. That’s a selfish thing to do, and I don’t want to pray for something that brings no honor and glory to His name.

Those things with prayer attitudes are something you need to discuss with a priest instead of with us here, but while yes, it would seem selfish to pray to “get” someone despite that person’s inclinations, even in the Lord’s Prayer do we pray for our daily bread, which is our daily needs. We pray before making important decisions, we pray at the beginning of some enterprise, sportsmen pray, I’ve seen a lawyer pray before entering the courtroom (well, it was a she vs the system case)… there’d be nothing wrong praying for a relationship to start or to heal or to be restored, per se. Probably better to pray for the girl in some more generic way and for yourself to get some peace. Again, a priest will help you better here.

But I simply can’t shake her out of my head! I know that no good can come from me wishing for her to come back. But I feel like my prayers are not being answered. I mean, is it so bad for me to pray for blessings for her and her relationship, and for me to move on?

Well, I’m no expert in prayer topics, but the last time I did that (i.e. what you did), my father suggested praying for the girl’s future boyfriend wasn’t necessary. Basically, I suppose praying for her might be a good idea, but going into specifics of her life, dissecting the romance topic, bringing her boyfriend into the picture and forcing yourself to be altruistic and show it, that could be somehow detrimental to you. Again, it depends on the circumstances and it depends on you. This is why I suggest going to someone who’s prepared to give advice on this subject, i.e. a priest.

So I can grow closer to Him? I can only hope that she would be the one wanting to return, because she chooses me. And I can’t and don’t want to control that.

Exactly.

Only God knows if we’re to be together again, and I give it up to Him to decide if we’re together again. But why am I still burdened by the thought(s) of her!?

You can’t switch off your emotions. That’s something you’ll have to live with for a while. I suggest occupying yourself with something that takes your mind off that. Learning, studying, intellectual or creative work… or heavy physical work (good for burning the energy out). You need for the storms to settle.

Ugh, please pray for me to get through this.

Okay!

Edit: As for staying friends, I wouldn’t overestimate it. It’s basically not a good enough reason to force oneself to devote time and put up with memories and hurts. And if *both *parties to the friendship would have to be forcing themselves, then what would the point be, anyway? I used to believe in staying friends, but now I see why it can be better to let go.