F
faithfulwannabe
Guest
hi again,
i think i have many things to be prayed…
this time please pray for my family and for myself i think, i’m in dire need of courage, the right kind of courage…
we came from an animism and or Buddhism and or Confucianism family. i never really asked my father what or who did he believed in, i think i once have the courage within me to say or ask things, but i never say what i wanted to say or ask of him… now i don’t know how to fix things again…
i remember when i was 5 years old, i got illness (some kind of fever) and my mother brought me to some sort of shaman from our ethnic. because that’s what they’ve been doing from their ancestor i think, if someone in family got sick. we’re a very very poor family, so we rarely seek help from a doctor. and when the healing process happen, i think i somehow know that what the shaman did weren’t real, i mean in a healthy mind kind of sense, what they did was only some kind of mumbo jumbo that if i don’t believe in, they won’t have any effect on me. somehow that’s true i think. not long after, the illness gone (maybe because it’s only a fever, nothing special).
well, many small things happened in this family. one of them is: i’m not sure why i have this feeling of hatred and envy, against my brother, especially my 3rd older brother. maybe because we’re only 2 years apart. that we often quarrel over very little things. i hate this of course, but i don’t know how to fix this, or how to love him… thinking of loving him in a siblings kind of way make me nauseous even to this day (is this even healthy??)
and then i remember how my father doesn’t really love my brothers (in my opinion), and i think he love me more since i’m the only daughter and the youngest (also in my opinion).
also one day when i was around 5, i remember my parents were fighting, my guts was telling me to go near them and find out what on earth is happening, but my 3rd brother asked me to just go out and play, don’t mind them. somehow i think this was wrong, but i followed his allurement (i mean, WHAT??), instead of saying “NO! let’s go see our parents, what happen to them?” i think i still feel guilty over this… i mean, i or we probably could reconcile our parents, even though we’re still very little, maybe if we cry in front of them they will stop fighting… i don’t know.
anyway, my mother also schizophrenic since she were young, i guess not long after marrying my father. my father is a very quick to anger person, never hesitate to hit his sons, even though their mistakes were just very minor. i think this is where my brothers hardly have any close relationship with my father. also my father’s job sometimes made him have to go out very long time, sometimes few weeks to month.
because of the infrequent connection, somehow things drift apart, now he no longer live with us. he has another wife and a very young daughter. he’s also very old now, so is my mother… i don’t know… i still believe things can be fixed somehow… although i’m not sure how.
anyway, when i was still small we moved away to this neighborhood where mostly are muslims. i’m not sure why, but somehow i’m not comfortable with them. maybe from hearings of how rude they were sometimes (this doesn’t apply to all muslims, i’ve met some even more polite and smarter than anyone). but from my experience of living here, most of them are rude (lol). i can’t wait to move away, but i don’t have job or chance or anything that can possibly made us move away. maybe i don’t try hard enough, i don’t know. so maybe praying for this neighborhood is the only way, to try to be nice to them, i’m not sure how, because i’m not a very social person.
and somehow i don’t feel good to them because of my mother’s schizophrenia has cause many ruckus in this neighborhood, because many times she screams at midnight… and they’re still a very patient people…
i don’t know again, somehow i felt very very lost, please pray whatever that works for us i think
i’m so sorry
i think i have many things to be prayed…
this time please pray for my family and for myself i think, i’m in dire need of courage, the right kind of courage…
we came from an animism and or Buddhism and or Confucianism family. i never really asked my father what or who did he believed in, i think i once have the courage within me to say or ask things, but i never say what i wanted to say or ask of him… now i don’t know how to fix things again…
i remember when i was 5 years old, i got illness (some kind of fever) and my mother brought me to some sort of shaman from our ethnic. because that’s what they’ve been doing from their ancestor i think, if someone in family got sick. we’re a very very poor family, so we rarely seek help from a doctor. and when the healing process happen, i think i somehow know that what the shaman did weren’t real, i mean in a healthy mind kind of sense, what they did was only some kind of mumbo jumbo that if i don’t believe in, they won’t have any effect on me. somehow that’s true i think. not long after, the illness gone (maybe because it’s only a fever, nothing special).
well, many small things happened in this family. one of them is: i’m not sure why i have this feeling of hatred and envy, against my brother, especially my 3rd older brother. maybe because we’re only 2 years apart. that we often quarrel over very little things. i hate this of course, but i don’t know how to fix this, or how to love him… thinking of loving him in a siblings kind of way make me nauseous even to this day (is this even healthy??)
and then i remember how my father doesn’t really love my brothers (in my opinion), and i think he love me more since i’m the only daughter and the youngest (also in my opinion).
also one day when i was around 5, i remember my parents were fighting, my guts was telling me to go near them and find out what on earth is happening, but my 3rd brother asked me to just go out and play, don’t mind them. somehow i think this was wrong, but i followed his allurement (i mean, WHAT??), instead of saying “NO! let’s go see our parents, what happen to them?” i think i still feel guilty over this… i mean, i or we probably could reconcile our parents, even though we’re still very little, maybe if we cry in front of them they will stop fighting… i don’t know.
anyway, my mother also schizophrenic since she were young, i guess not long after marrying my father. my father is a very quick to anger person, never hesitate to hit his sons, even though their mistakes were just very minor. i think this is where my brothers hardly have any close relationship with my father. also my father’s job sometimes made him have to go out very long time, sometimes few weeks to month.
because of the infrequent connection, somehow things drift apart, now he no longer live with us. he has another wife and a very young daughter. he’s also very old now, so is my mother… i don’t know… i still believe things can be fixed somehow… although i’m not sure how.
anyway, when i was still small we moved away to this neighborhood where mostly are muslims. i’m not sure why, but somehow i’m not comfortable with them. maybe from hearings of how rude they were sometimes (this doesn’t apply to all muslims, i’ve met some even more polite and smarter than anyone). but from my experience of living here, most of them are rude (lol). i can’t wait to move away, but i don’t have job or chance or anything that can possibly made us move away. maybe i don’t try hard enough, i don’t know. so maybe praying for this neighborhood is the only way, to try to be nice to them, i’m not sure how, because i’m not a very social person.
and somehow i don’t feel good to them because of my mother’s schizophrenia has cause many ruckus in this neighborhood, because many times she screams at midnight… and they’re still a very patient people…
i don’t know again, somehow i felt very very lost, please pray whatever that works for us i think
i’m so sorry
