Please pray for my marriage

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whatevergirl

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*I don’t know, I feel like my dh and I are going through a rough patch. 😦 Nothing extraordinary, but little things that add up over time…and then feelings are hurt, namely mine. I have tried to be a good wife, and my husband is a good husband and father. I just don’t feel appreciated, and frankly, that has been the **one thing **that has always remained in our marriage. It’s not a ‘constant,’ but it is the one thing that creeps back up every so often.

I think it’s important to thank your spouse for then he/she goes out of his/her way for you. It’s important to acknowledge the effort, I do this for my husband. If he makes dinner, I always thank him. If he cleans my car, I thank him…it goes a long way, believe me. He really loves when I acknowledge the things he does…has a big smile, as if he won a prize. :o But, I guess I don’t deserve the same respect. 🤷 I go out of my way for my husband a lot…and I’m not looking for a grandiose ‘thank you,’ or anything…but what I mean is that I don’t expect to be criticized for helping out. Like I could have done it ‘this or that way.’ Example, my dh asked me to find him a doctor, and to arrange an appt for him (he doesn’t like doing these things) This took me a lot of time today, I am working this morning, and had to call the insurance company, to make sure these docs were in network…then I had to call the docs back, and make the appt. I call my dh happy that I found him a good doc close to home, and he was like…‘why did you pick THAT time?’ I explained, and then stopped talking. He sensed that I wasn’t happy…he explained why he said that, apologized…

I don’t want to hear I’m sorry anymore…just appreciate me, is that so much to ask? Again, all things considered, we love each other and have a good marriage, but this is THEE ONE THING that never seems to go away for good. He tries for a while, and then back again to square one. Like today.

So, we talked today…and he profusely apologized…I accepted. I just feel sad this week…and don’t want to hold a grudge, which I won’t. But, it’s hard to just keep pushing my feelings aside on this issue over and over. Apologize, fine…but change the behavior.

He was raised like this, sadly. His mom tolerating his alcoholic father, who hit the kids nightly, according to my dh. She paints him as a saint though. :rolleyes: I say nothing. But, I know that if a man sees his dad treat his mom badly, it isn’t good. I am not his mom, though…and I will not tolerate this anymore. I’m over it, seriously.

I’m very sad right now and don’t like sharing things like this on here, but I can’t turn to people I know in the family, or friends of ours…they wouldn’t be objective, or Catholic really, in their responses to me, for the most part. My husband said to me as he was heading to work…You know I love you…this is just how I think…I analyze details, and I guess I forget to be mindful of your feelings. I accepted his apology, but again, I’m over this. It has gone on like this for years…and I just tolerate it. I am done tolerating this and I told him so.

Please pray that this changes. 😦 Thanks for listening. *
 
Whatevergirl, may I suggest you try to let go of the need you seem to have for your husband to show you he appreciates you.

In other words, do not rely on your husband to validate your worth.

The only person who can truly understand you is our Lord. And He is the one who finds you very worthy of His love. Remember he died on a cross for you.

Our husbands are human. They cannot meet all our needs, and we can’t meet all of theirs. We waste a lot of time trying to please others and ourselves, and then find we haven’t pleased anyone.

I recommend you ask God to show you how He appreciates you. When you truly see how God loves you, you will be able to better tolerate the sides of your husband that disappoint you right now. I think you are looking for you husband to fill a need in you that really only God can fill.

Marriage is a journey I’ve been in for 30+ years now. The best thing I’ve learned is that my worth comes only from God, because He made me. Period. It’s not what we do, it’s who we are. We are His. You are His.
 
*Hi newf;

I appreciate your thoughts. I will say however, I’m not looking for my worth in my husband’s gratitude or anything, rather, I don’t want to be criticized for doing something nice for him. That is more of where things are with this…I don’t feel appreciated. I have gone without voicing this for a while…and I don’t know how else to express these thoughts…but I’m over it. I don’t do things to get a thank you…certainly. I do things out of love for him…but like today, there was no reason to nitpick about the time I set the appt up for…do it yourself, was what popped into my head. But, I didn’t say it.

I am not perfect. I know I have faults. But, I have worked on them. Is it wrong to ask our spouses to work on something that hurts us? *
 
whatevergirl said:
*Hi newf;

I appreciate your thoughts. I will say however, I’m not looking for my worth in my husband’s gratitude or anything, rather, I don’t want to be criticized for doing something nice for him. That is more of where things are with this…I don’t feel appreciated. I have gone without voicing this for a while…and I don’t know how else to express these thoughts…but I’m over it. I don’t do things to get a thank you…certainly. I do things out of love for him…but like today, there was no reason to nitpick about the time I set the appt up for…do it yourself, was what popped into my head. But, I didn’t say it.

I am not perfect. I know I have faults. But, I have worked on them. Is it wrong to ask our spouses to work on something that hurts us? *
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No, it is not wrong to ask our spouses to work on something that hurts us. And it’s downright painful to be criticized for doing something nice. My heart goes out to you.

Marriage is hard. And it never feels good when you are not in sync with your spouse.

Personally,if I were in your shoes I would tell my husband to ‘do it yourself’, but that’s me. I don’t look for conflict, but I feel like if I’m going to be upset, my husband should feel the pain, too! 😃 You seem to be a very sweet person, whatevergirl, and this may not be your style. I hope you can figure out a way that will work for you. My prayers are with you.
 
First off (((HUGS))) WG - in the long run these are minor and normal “issues” - I know I’ve heard plenty of other wives say almost identical “lack of appreciation” woes… so trust and know that you’re not alone… not that it really helps, but it happens a lot.
whatevergirl said:
I do things out of love for him…but like today, there was no reason to nitpick about the time I set the appt up for…do it yourself, was what popped into my head. But, I didn’t say it.
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Why not? 🤷 Maybe you SHOULD have said something immediately. Defend yourself a bit! “Hey, I just spent a long time working this all out for you. If you want to change it, feel free to do it yourself.”

Also, if this is a “habit” of sorts - when you do something for you husband - preempt the situation with some self defense - such as “This may take some time to set up your appointment - do you have an preferences that I should know ahead of time? If not, I’ll let you know when the time is.” I know you can’t always *guess *what will upset him, but creating that caveat of “I’ll do my best, but please don’t complain unless you’d like to do this yourself.” may help resolve things ahead of time.

I’m sorry you’re struggling - we’ve had “issues” very similar to this too… you guys are in my prayers.
 
Whatevergirl-

I will pray for you! I also think you need to politely stand up for yourself whenever he does this. H emay genuinely not realize how insensitive he can be at times. If you gently point it out, “Honey, I set up an appointment for you like you wanted. Why are you upset with me,” after a few times he’ll begin to realize what’s going on and he can begin to work on correcting the problem. He may never completely get over this, but I think it can get better. Good luck!
 
Hi Whatevergirl,
You are such a “sweetheart” & your usual posts are so uplifting. You add a positive note to CAF. So sorry your are having a bad day.
I know from reading your posts for a long time that dh is a good guy! That you have a basically good marriage & that you are a good wife.
You know… I was married to first dh for 43 years & now second dh for 12 years and they, honestly, are all alike. (I’ll probably get killed for saying “all”) But it’s true & by all I mean men.
And we women get our feelings hurt over things they consider very small.
A few week ago my 30 yr. old granddaughter made me laugh; we got an e-mail entitled just; MAD & then she blew off steam. It’s good to blow off once in a while.
So prayer coming your way & Love of Christ in the prayers. (but as Dr. Laura always says “I can’t cure normal!”)
I’m praying that tonight you & dh will makeup & have a very loving time.
Agatina
 
Em_in_FL said:
First off (((HUGS))) WG - in the long run these are minor and normal “issues” - I know I’ve heard plenty of other wives say almost identical “lack of appreciation” woes… so trust and know that you’re not alone… not that it really helps, but it happens a lot.

Why not? 🤷 Maybe you SHOULD have said something immediately. Defend yourself a bit! “Hey, I just spent a long time working this all out for you. If you want to change it, feel free to do it yourself.”

Also, if this is a “habit” of sorts - when you do something for you husband - preempt the situation with some self defense - such as “This may take some time to set up your appointment - do you have an preferences that I should know ahead of time? If not, I’ll let you know when the time is.” I know you can’t always *guess *what will upset him, but creating that caveat of “I’ll do my best, but please don’t complain unless you’d like to do this yourself.” may help resolve things ahead of time.

I’m sorry you’re struggling - we’ve had “issues” very similar to this too… you guys are in my prayers.
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*Thanks EM. :o You know, one thing I’m not is sheepish. 😉 I don’t know why I didn’t say that though today…I think because I’m so over it, you know? But, what I did say was…‘I can’t change you, but I can change how I react to this from now on. So, if you want to act like this, that is your choice, but expect me not to have a favorable reaction anymore.’

He apologized…I honestly don’t think he ‘means’ to do this…that’s what is so bizarre. I dated a guy back in college who was purposefully verbally hurtful and abusive at times, my dh is nothing like that…but he definitely can be insensitive without realizing it. Is that even possible? 😊😛 Sigh…thanks for listening. I love my husband and he loves me…this doesn’t sound like much…I know others have worse times of it, but it is a “trait” that has been going on for years…seriously, years. And it’s just old. Time to stop doing this.

Old habits die hard I know. I have been patient, but I just don’t care to accept it anymore…I don’t want to hold it in, and grow resentful, then that will be on me. Thanks for listening.*
 
I am very sorry to hear about your marital difficulties, Whatevergirl. Let me say that we guys, or some of us, slip into periods where we get lost in our own thoughts and problems, and take the ones we love most for granted. This may sound dorky, but placing a sign on the fridge or other commonly traveled spot might serve as a reminder of his inattentiveness. Such as, " Remember to appreciate me!" Perhaps a favorite photo of you smiling instead of a message, but tell him to remember that the smile disappears, and the marriage disintegrates, when he forgets about you. We do NOT need to be trapped by negative proclivities learned as a child. It’s a poor excuse for an adult, IMO. God Bless, Rob 🙂
 
Whatevergirl, does he show you in other ways that he appreciates you? Maybe all of those things he does for you, that you are thanking him for, are the way that he is telling you that he appreciates you.

Also, maybe if you are tired of hearing him apologize, maybe you are putting him in the situation to be apologetic too often.

I know that I have a problem with putting up with too much, so maybe my advice isn’t totally valid. To me though, it just seems like if he is being a good guy, you need to be accepting of the fact that he isn’t very verbal with his thank yous.

From your other posts it sounds like he gives you respect and treats you well. I would think that would be what is most important. Sometimes affirmation is a tricky thing. Sometimes it seems to me like if we are not feeling satisfied with ourselves, no amount of external affirmation will be enough. Maybe you might want to look at giving yourself credit and work on accepting it internally that you are doing a good job with all that you do for your husband and your family.

It sounds like you have told your husband how you feel, so maybe just let it go at that?
 
Whatevergirl- my hubby and I are still new in marriage - less than a year and we have hit that little rough patch that you describe to. Here are a couple of things I have to remember.
  1. Men generally show, women generally say. Sorry for anyone under the age of 18 and unmarried but at night when he is extra affectionate - he is showing you. I always thought that it was because men were made up of extra hormones - no apparently it is their way of saying they love you.
  2. Our deacon gave a homily at our wedding about selflessness. He said that if we both did for the other and granted any request that was not too “extraordinary” that we would be both happy. When we do this we should not expect anything in return. Sometimes it takes other people longer than it takes us to learn. But by showing selflessness, we teach it. By being selfish and asking for something for unselfish behavior we teach selfishness.
Hope that made any sense. With love.

God bless,
 
Praying very hard that your husband will fully appreciate your awesomeness :gopray2:

It is so hard when our spouse, who is supposed to be our refuge, is our toughest critic. As if people at work weren’t’ enough!

Between this and your post yesterday (I think it got plucked from the forums?) it sounds like you guys are having a little bit of disconnect (not that I can live in your house and know first hand, but I’m just basing it off the posts). It’s Friday, if you don’t have any other obligations, make some ice cream sundaes, rent a hilarious movie and just enjoy each other.

About your husband’s childhood…has he ever heard of Dr. Laura? Bad Childhood, Good Life is a great book for adults struggling with a tumultuous childhood! Also, The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage is a gem, too!
 
joandarc2008 said:
Whatevergirl- my hubby and I are still new in marriage - less than a year and we have hit that little rough patch that you describe to. Here are a couple of things I have to remember.
  1. Men generally show, women generally say. Sorry for anyone under the age of 18 and unmarried but at night when he is extra affectionate - he is showing you. I always thought that it was because men were made up of extra hormones - no apparently it is their way of saying they love you.
Do you KNOW my husband? :hmmm: haha Seriously, this is very true about him, and I only thought it was him. 😊 I will have to remember this. My dh likes me to say thank you in this way. Sorry, TMI? LOL But, he is not that verbal. He is very direct though, when he has an opinion or point…he is very structured, and organized. He is not a sensitive…maybe that’s the wrong word…he is, but he is not emotional, that’s the word. I am enough for both of us, and so I take that into consideration. I ask myself…am I being unreasonable? But, he did call me just now, and said he was so sorry. See…this is what happens. I feel bad now for mentioning it, because now he feels badly about hurting me. I mean, maybe this is how we grow…I said to him, just replace I’m sorry, with thank you. lol And we’ll be fine. He said that he ‘doesn’t know why he doesn’t say these things enough, but he shows me when he cleans my car, when he makes dinner, when he buys me flowers, etc.’ I said…oh, so does that mean you’ll clean my car, make dinner and buy me flowers this weekend? 😃 Okay, things are better now, but it sometimes goes like this, and then in a month…we are back to this again. He said that he will make a conscious effort to change, we’ll see. :o
  1. Our deacon gave a homily at our wedding about selflessness. He said that if we both did for the other and granted any request that was not too “extraordinary” that we would be both happy. When we do this we should not expect anything in return. Sometimes it takes other people longer than it takes us to learn. But by showing selflessness, we teach it. By being selfish and asking for something for unselfish behavior we teach selfishness.
Hope that made any sense. With love.

*Yes it does make sense. Thank you. *

God bless,
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PEACE OF HEART
Almighty and Eternal God, Give me, I beseech You, the great gift of inward peace. Command the winds and storms of my unruly passions. Subdue, by Your grace, my proneness to love created things too much. Give me a love of suffering for Your sake. Make me forbearing and kind to others, that I may avoid quarrels and contentions. And teach me constantly to seek after and to acquire that perfect resignation to Your Holy Will which alone brings interior peace.
Amen.

A MARRIAGE BLESSING PRAYER
We thank you, O God, for the Love You have implanted in our hearts. May it always inspire us to be kind in our words, considerate of feeling, and concerned for each other’s needs and wishes. Help us to be understanding and forgiving of human weaknesses and failings. Increase our faith and trust in You and may Your prudence guide our life and love. Bless our Marriage O God, with Peace and Happiness, and make our love fruitful for Your glory and our Joy both here and in eternity. Amen.
 
Praying for you and your hubby, Whatevergirl. He knows what a hard working wife and Mom you are. Like many men he just lapses to tell you, but that is no excuse, it is just us men folk.:rolleyes::flowers:
 
Please consider Marriage Encounter -seriously. I think it will help a lot. Of course I will also be praying for your marriage.
 
Well… if you get at least 1 thank you out of every 10 favors you do, you’re even with Christ, who also noticed who came back and said thanks.

😉

I’d use it as a reminder in my own spiritual life to go back to God once in a while and express gratitude.

And then remind your husband that your children are watching. And you don’t want them to grow up showing little gratitude when they go out in the world.

Seems both of you have different languages. You need to hear words. He thinks he’s telling you by his actions.

How about making a sign you stick on the fridge every now and again:

“Mom is running low on thank you’s. If she runs out, she’ll stop working properly. Please refill the tank now and then.”

Take out the sign and repost as needed.

The kids need to be reminded to say thank you. And please. Please works also.

(It’s good to gripe once in a while so you don’t explode at those you live with.) 😉
 
Agatina said:
Hi Whatevergirl,
You are such a “sweetheart” & your usual posts are so uplifting. You add a positive note to CAF. So sorry your are having a bad day.
I know from reading your posts for a long time that dh is a good guy! That you have a basically good marriage & that you are a good wife.
You know… I was married to first dh for 43 years & now second dh for 12 years and they, honestly, are all alike. (I’ll probably get killed for saying “all”) But it’s true & by all I mean men.
And we women get our feelings hurt over things they consider very small.
A few week ago my 30 yr. old granddaughter made me laugh; we got an e-mail entitled just; MAD & then she blew off steam. It’s good to blow off once in a while.
So prayer coming your way & Love of Christ in the prayers. (but as Dr. Laura always says “I can’t cure normal!”)
I’m praying that tonight you & dh will makeup & have a very loving time.
Agatina
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*Oh thanks for this…I know that my dh is a really great guy, he is. I don’t know why this bothers me so…but it does. And I really hope it changes…It would never be a dealbreaker…we are in this for the long haul…but, I sometimes wonder what happens to couples…from their days of dating. Like, we used to always say nice things, gaze into each other’s eyes …planning the future, and always uplifting one another. We still say nice things to each other, but my husband became stoic over the years…I on the other hand, never ever changed. :D:p lol I tell him this, he laughs…and rolls his eyes. Simply put, he is not a verbal expressive person. When he took the personality test at work last year, he is the classic analytical, driver type. POLAR OPPOSITE from me. I’m expressive, when I have taken those ‘tests.’ I took one within my own employer a few years back. I wonder why too, opposites attract. :o

Thanks so much for your words…they and everyone else’s here have helped me greatly.*
 
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