Thank you, everyone, for your continuing prayers. Lord knows I need them. I’ve been having a lot of trouble praying myself; it just seems so useless. God will do what He wills no matter what I pray, or even if I pray.
Now, my little dog, Max, has lymphoma. He was diagnosed a few days before Christmas and typically, they only have 4-6 weeks after diagnosis. He is past that and it will be any day now that I have to make the decision to have him put to sleep.
He has been a great comfort to me in coping with the loss of my son because he never lets me be alone; always at my side being my ‘warm fuzzy’. But, unfortunately, his illness has brought back all the feelings I had when my son was fighting this evil disease. In effect, I am reliving my son’s illness and death.
At least I won’t have my dog dehydrated to death the way they did my son. This bothers me so much. He was dying, but they killed him, horribly, with much suffering. I keep telling myself, there is no Resurrection without the Passion but I’m having so much trouble believing/hoping that he could be in heaven. He married outside of the Church, and they used IVF to finally fall pregnant. Four of my grandchildren died before they got one to live and be born. There are still another three frozen who are unlikely to ever even have a chance to be born.
My DIL still does not know what she wants to do with his ashes. They are currently in a plastic bag in the back of a cupboard at her aunt’s house. We don’t have a grave to visit, or a niche. To me, it is proof that she never loved my son, that she only wanted him for what he could give her. He left her very well off with his life insurance and the estate he built up while he was alive. She will never have to work. That was all she wanted from him. I have yet to see her shed a single tear. Not one.
Last week, my mom, who will be 90 in a couple weeks, was in hospital with another intestinal blockage. She has had several of these over the years which have required surgery to correct. The last time, the incision did not want to heal and she kept ‘popping open’. They were able to clear the blockage this time without surgery but she is almost 90 and, I have to face it, is not much longer for this world. While she was recovering, she went over how many surgeries she has had over the years - over 22 times, most of them what is categorized as ‘major’ surgery. I made her laugh, saying that her doctors should have listened to me and put in a zipper for ‘ease of access’.
and to top it off, I have a djinn in my house. It is a small mischievous spirit that likes to undo things. It must have been attached to one of the antique Middle Eastern artifacts I recently had shipped to me from my mom’s (my inheritance and collected from when we lived in the Middle East). It loosened the screws holding the front doorknob on to where it nearly came off in my hand when I tried to open the front door - twice. It likes to untie my left shoelace, or rather used to, because I put Holy Water on both the front doorknob and my shoelaces. There are some other things that have just ‘come apart’.
I need to go through the whole house with Blessed Salt and Holy Water but my faith is at an all time low and, as we know, sacramentals work by the faith of the user. I am hanging on to faith by the skin of my teeth. I feel like I am just going through the motions at Mass. Why did God not answer my prayers for my son to return to Faith before he died? Why pray, when God does what He wants, when He wants, regardless of our prayers? How can I pray that this spirit be ejected from my home, when I am doubting prayer?
Dear Linda Marie HUGS love and prayers continue for you always.
My heart goes out to you xo
You have been through so much pain and loss and continue to face such emotional pain. I am so very sorry. It is completely understandable that you feel so low.
I wonder if you would be able to have a chat with your priest and tell him honestly how you are feeling?
It is entirely understandable that you will question your faith…when terrible things happen in our lives we question our very being.God understands all of this and He loves us unconditionally anyway. We do not always understand when it seems like our prayers are not being answered.Like you when I lost my son 32 yrs ago I was in great pain and drifted from my faith as I felt how could God not save him.
Over the years I have looked back on my life and seen it from a different perspective and can see how God has worked in my life. My faith is strong and I know my son is safe in heaven where we will all meet again one day.
I know your dear son is safe in heaven . I shall keep you in my prayers always.
Our Lord will bring you through all this. Try to ‘talk’ to Him…
I hope your priest can talk with you.
Warmest love to you my friend and God bless you always
Love Teresa xxx
Eternal God , in whom mercy is endless,
and the treasury of compassion inexhastible ,
look kindly upon us and increase Your mercy in us ,
that in difficult moments we might not despair
nor become despondent , but with great confidence ,
submit ourselves to Your Holy Will ,
which is love and mercy itself . Amen
Memorare (Prayer to Our Lady)
Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to your protection, implored your help, or sought your intercession, was left unaided.
Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto you, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother. To you do I come, before you I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in your mercy, hear and answer me. Amen
