H
Hazel_Grace
Guest
Right now my faith is all that is keeping me going, because for the first time in my life I’m feeling depressed.
Everything is a mess right now. It all started on Easter, really early in the morning around 1-3am on Easter, when I was attacked very badly by a man I’d never met at a party. Since then I have struggled with numerous repercussions I never imagined at the time.
I have cigarette burn scars on my arms. I have an STD, Chlamydia, which (thankfully!) is curable but unfortunately was severe enough that it may have cost me my ability to have children someday. I have flashbacks weekly, sometimes daily, where I feel as if the attack is actually happening again.
For two months I tried to hande all these things by myself, I’ve never had a problem so big I didn’t feel this was possible. My closest friend did find out, because he noticed the bruises and burns on my arms and begged me to tell him what happened.
I was supposed to spend my summer working at a Kayaking lodge out of state. I thought this would help me escape this problem. When I got there, I realized this wasn’t the case. I became suicidal, I have to admit I lost control. When I wouldn’t answer my phone, my friend told his mom, as well as my aunt. They convinced me to come home, which deep down I knew was for the best.
Coming home wasn’t as easy as I thought. When I told my mother what happened, the very first things she asked me were “how drunk were you?” “Were you flirting with this man?” and “Are you sure you’re not to blame at all?” She believes that what really happened is I was drunk (which, I wasn’t, because I was DD that night) and messing around with a guy, and that felt embarrassed so I lied about what happened. My mom has refused to support me until I “own up to [my] own mistakes in the situation.” She told me our relationship has been ruined.
I am living at my best friends house, because they have an extra bedroom. But all I want is to be home with my mom and dad and younger siblings and dog. I already blame myself A LOT for what happened that night. But hearing my mother, who has always been so loving, blame me only adds stress and increases my negative thoughts.
I told my mom I loved her and want her to understand, and that I’m so sorry I hurt or embarrassed her. I asked if she would go with me to see a thereapist and she says she doesn’t think she can. I don’t know what to do.
I also feel really guilty about how I handled this. On the night I was suicidal, I could hear the fear in my best friends voice as he begged me to tell him I was going to be okay. I never wanted to hurt him, or anyone else I love. I feel like I am destroying all of my relationships because I didn’t get the professional help I should have right after this happened.
I am going to a consultation at a therapist’s office on Monday.
I think God is the only one who can fix this, but even with his help I’m afraid things will never be the same for me, psychically, mentally, or socially. I know there is litte advice to be given, but please keep me in your prayers!
Everything is a mess right now. It all started on Easter, really early in the morning around 1-3am on Easter, when I was attacked very badly by a man I’d never met at a party. Since then I have struggled with numerous repercussions I never imagined at the time.
I have cigarette burn scars on my arms. I have an STD, Chlamydia, which (thankfully!) is curable but unfortunately was severe enough that it may have cost me my ability to have children someday. I have flashbacks weekly, sometimes daily, where I feel as if the attack is actually happening again.
For two months I tried to hande all these things by myself, I’ve never had a problem so big I didn’t feel this was possible. My closest friend did find out, because he noticed the bruises and burns on my arms and begged me to tell him what happened.
I was supposed to spend my summer working at a Kayaking lodge out of state. I thought this would help me escape this problem. When I got there, I realized this wasn’t the case. I became suicidal, I have to admit I lost control. When I wouldn’t answer my phone, my friend told his mom, as well as my aunt. They convinced me to come home, which deep down I knew was for the best.
Coming home wasn’t as easy as I thought. When I told my mother what happened, the very first things she asked me were “how drunk were you?” “Were you flirting with this man?” and “Are you sure you’re not to blame at all?” She believes that what really happened is I was drunk (which, I wasn’t, because I was DD that night) and messing around with a guy, and that felt embarrassed so I lied about what happened. My mom has refused to support me until I “own up to [my] own mistakes in the situation.” She told me our relationship has been ruined.
I am living at my best friends house, because they have an extra bedroom. But all I want is to be home with my mom and dad and younger siblings and dog. I already blame myself A LOT for what happened that night. But hearing my mother, who has always been so loving, blame me only adds stress and increases my negative thoughts.
I told my mom I loved her and want her to understand, and that I’m so sorry I hurt or embarrassed her. I asked if she would go with me to see a thereapist and she says she doesn’t think she can. I don’t know what to do.
I also feel really guilty about how I handled this. On the night I was suicidal, I could hear the fear in my best friends voice as he begged me to tell him I was going to be okay. I never wanted to hurt him, or anyone else I love. I feel like I am destroying all of my relationships because I didn’t get the professional help I should have right after this happened.
I am going to a consultation at a therapist’s office on Monday.
I think God is the only one who can fix this, but even with his help I’m afraid things will never be the same for me, psychically, mentally, or socially. I know there is litte advice to be given, but please keep me in your prayers!