I have never asked for prayers before. My life is in the midst of many trials. My faith is strong, though its expression is lacking. Can’t seem to get answers to anything. To prevent homelessness, I moved in with two ‘friends’ that I have known for over 25 years. They have also now asked me to move out after just a few months. I had nowhere to go; no family to help, no other friends and that hasn’t changed. They know this and don’t care. Both are mean, he is emotionally abusive. I am no longer allowed use the laundry but rarely; ditto with showering, of all things. He has accused me of so many things I have not done, and was proven without doubt to be wrong. She knew this too, and didn’t defend me. Because she can’t lose the man who buys her pot and does essentially everything for her. They smoke pot at least ten times a day in addition to their other smoking I have been shaken by accusations so often, my hands have inexplicably gone numb while he yells and my BP skyrockets…Every other word out his mouth is the F word. I barricaded myself in a room a few days ago while the police were here because he claimed to have been threatened by a neighbor. Actually, he threw the first threat. He then screamed at her unmercifully. Scared me as he has never scared me. I am afraid that his anger will progress to landing a punch. I cannot get a job, I have no money. Because of several years of PTSD, et al., which are only getting worse, (and my housing is but one issue).I am applying for disability. That could take so long and I need a way out of this insanity ASAP. I couldn’t even get him involved with disability because I told the case worker that he has threatened me to use my public assistance for him, that he would do the same with disability. That if he knew, I’d be even more fearful of him for the threats and I’d certainly have to get out that much sooner. Which is needed, but how? I know well what anxiety is. I pray that someone will come to my aid with a truck for my things and just say. “Let me get you out of this mess.” But I know that is probably unrealistic. I am stuck in so many more ways than can be stated here further. Believe me , my first prayers are for His mercy and strength.
I cannot bear the pain that is my life. I am scared, nervous, fearful all the time. I am getting professional help, but nothing is happening fast enough. And I need a place to go very very soon.
Shelters are filled because of the times and because women and children come first, as well they should. I am alone.
I understand better why desperate people do desperate things. I am not there, I assure you. But I cannot bear this. I want out so badly and I don’t even know what that means. Nothing will happen at my hands. I do not want that at all. Everything that can be done professionally is being done, and I pray in thanks for that. But I am so tired of living this way. It makes me think of a quote I have seen on this site, except I can’t find it now. Something like, things may not go well in this life, but they will in the next. Now I am anxious for the next one, but not in a way fitting to Him. I don’t think He’s done with me yet, but I truly cannot bear this life. I feel gutted, useless yet I know I am not the latter. I pray for the people I live with, I ask that someone will pray for me.
