Z
ZeroJinraikyaku
Guest
I don’t know if this is in the right section, but I am in need of someone to talk to.
Okay, so this is going to be a semi-long post. Bear with me, please. Anyway, here you go:
Firstly, let’s start with my name. My name is Paul, and I am an atheist. I am 19-years-old. I am also an undiagnosed autistic (Aspergers). Honestly, I vehemently hate myself with an unfathomable passion. I hate every single thing about myself, especially the way I am neurologically wired and how I’m a compulsive liar. I cannot stop lying whatsoever. It makes me hate myself even more because I myself do not like being liked to. Also, I can’t handle anything, not even everyday social interaction. My social anxiety is so intense, eye-contact is so painful (it feels like an array of needles poking my eyes, causing me to feel inevitably and undeniably nauseous) that it makes every single day a fight to want to live, and I can’t take it anymore. My overall anxiety intensifies as I get older, causing me to always feel as though I am about to vomit nonstop. I contemplate suicide on a day-to-day basis, always want to self-mutilate (note: I do not self-harm, it’s just a never-ending battle to want to do so), and cry literally every single day. I am honestly not happy at all anymore. I can’t even remember a time when I was completely happy, to be honest with you and, since I’m now second-guessing myself, God. Is God real? I’ve denied His existence for quite some time now, never second-guessed myself and questioned until recently.
Secondly, allow me to go further into detail about some of the problems I’ve been having throughout what was my high school years. I was homeschooled my entire life all the way until 2010, the year I started 9th-grade. Unfortunately, I dropped out of high school, a decision I wholeheartedly regret, in May 2012, the end of my sophomore year due to severe social anxiety, mood swings (honestly, I’m starting to think I was and still am bipolar), and constant academic pressure. I was doing quite well prior to dropping out, making decent grades in both Pre-AP English 10 and AP European History apart from failing Algebra I twice, another reason as to why I dropped out. Sadly, I cracked. I regret it. I regret not speaking up. Lastly, I regret not talking to a guidance counsellor about my internal problems.
Today, out of curiosity, I called my local high school to see if I could enroll back in and start right where I left off. According to the senior counsellor, who was an extremely kind lady that answered all of my questions and even pulled up my transcript to discuss my schedule if I do do decide to come back, I can. It’s apparently not too late because I’m under 21.
If God is real, how do I become close to Him? There are only three things I want to do at this very moment: get psychiatric help (even if it alters my future), graduate high school, and, if He truly is real, become closer to God. I honestly don’t know what to start, how to start, or when to start.
Also, should I enroll back in high school? Someone mentioned Job Corps to me to finish my high school diploma, but I’m not so sure. I took the GED in December 2013 and passed everything but the Mathematics portion of the test.
Please help. I feel so lost, so alone, so unloved. I get called crazy every time I try to talk about my problems… even though I try my absolute best to always lend a hand.
Thank you so much for reading this. Any advice will be greatly appreciated.
-Paul
Okay, so this is going to be a semi-long post. Bear with me, please. Anyway, here you go:
Firstly, let’s start with my name. My name is Paul, and I am an atheist. I am 19-years-old. I am also an undiagnosed autistic (Aspergers). Honestly, I vehemently hate myself with an unfathomable passion. I hate every single thing about myself, especially the way I am neurologically wired and how I’m a compulsive liar. I cannot stop lying whatsoever. It makes me hate myself even more because I myself do not like being liked to. Also, I can’t handle anything, not even everyday social interaction. My social anxiety is so intense, eye-contact is so painful (it feels like an array of needles poking my eyes, causing me to feel inevitably and undeniably nauseous) that it makes every single day a fight to want to live, and I can’t take it anymore. My overall anxiety intensifies as I get older, causing me to always feel as though I am about to vomit nonstop. I contemplate suicide on a day-to-day basis, always want to self-mutilate (note: I do not self-harm, it’s just a never-ending battle to want to do so), and cry literally every single day. I am honestly not happy at all anymore. I can’t even remember a time when I was completely happy, to be honest with you and, since I’m now second-guessing myself, God. Is God real? I’ve denied His existence for quite some time now, never second-guessed myself and questioned until recently.
Secondly, allow me to go further into detail about some of the problems I’ve been having throughout what was my high school years. I was homeschooled my entire life all the way until 2010, the year I started 9th-grade. Unfortunately, I dropped out of high school, a decision I wholeheartedly regret, in May 2012, the end of my sophomore year due to severe social anxiety, mood swings (honestly, I’m starting to think I was and still am bipolar), and constant academic pressure. I was doing quite well prior to dropping out, making decent grades in both Pre-AP English 10 and AP European History apart from failing Algebra I twice, another reason as to why I dropped out. Sadly, I cracked. I regret it. I regret not speaking up. Lastly, I regret not talking to a guidance counsellor about my internal problems.
Today, out of curiosity, I called my local high school to see if I could enroll back in and start right where I left off. According to the senior counsellor, who was an extremely kind lady that answered all of my questions and even pulled up my transcript to discuss my schedule if I do do decide to come back, I can. It’s apparently not too late because I’m under 21.
If God is real, how do I become close to Him? There are only three things I want to do at this very moment: get psychiatric help (even if it alters my future), graduate high school, and, if He truly is real, become closer to God. I honestly don’t know what to start, how to start, or when to start.
Also, should I enroll back in high school? Someone mentioned Job Corps to me to finish my high school diploma, but I’m not so sure. I took the GED in December 2013 and passed everything but the Mathematics portion of the test.
Please help. I feel so lost, so alone, so unloved. I get called crazy every time I try to talk about my problems… even though I try my absolute best to always lend a hand.
Thank you so much for reading this. Any advice will be greatly appreciated.
-Paul
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