R
rayne89
Guest
My mom and I have had a tumultuous relationship since my sister died when I was 13. She has paranoid personality disorder. My teen years were a nightmare. Getting married at 18 saved my sanity. Things have improved over the years but she still has episodes. Her and my dad are fighting (for the millionth time). He bought a second house about 12 years ago to have someplace to escape to when she flips out. That’s how they’ve stayed married.
Some back story on the latest…My mom & Dad went to visit my mom’s family in another state for Christmas. Her sister has a dog. My mom fell in love with the dog. (When I was little we had to give away our beagle when my mom became allergic to him after having him for about 10 years). She comes home and wants a dog just like my aunt’s dog. She says she’s not allergic to this dog. Within days of coming home she gets a dog (the most impulsive thing my parents have ever done by the way.)
She’s had the dog for about two weeks. A few days ago my daughter and I went over to their house because my daughter really loves the dog and wanted to play with him. We bought the little doggie a coat. My mom was at the store when we got there. My dad went to pick her up (she doesn’t drive) and as soon as she comes in the house she says she has to get rid of the dog, she’s allergic to the dog. My daughter got emotional because she’s fallen in love with dog. My mom says matter of factly “Well I’m having trouble breathing so he has to go. I called the lady we got him from and she says she’ll call me when she finds someone to take him. But I can’t wait long so one way or another he has to go.”
That night I talked to my husband and he agreed that we could take the dog. Anyways…last night after work I had car trouble. My dad picked me up because my husband works afternoons. This morning we went to have my car towed to the auto shop -my dad had the dog with him. He went to his other house last night because they got in a fight. While we’re out my daughter calls me and says “grandma called and she told me to call grandpa and tell him to give her back her dog. Then she wants me to call her back and let her know when grandpa is bringing back her dog.” I told my daughter I will call grandma, don’t call her back, I don’t want her involving you.
So I call my mom, she carried on, I firmly but politely asked not to involve my daughter in her and my dad’s fights. She tried to defend…I repeatedly interrupted and said “I am asking you not to involve (daughter’s name) in your arguments. I don’t want you tell her she needs to tell her grandpa to do anything…you are putting her in the middle and I do not want that.” It took several times before she finally agreed. She told me to tell my dad she wants her dog back. I told her I would tell him.
Anyway tonight she calls about three hours after my dad brought me back home. (We went out to lunch and he took me to the store so I could pick my medicine and a few groceries.) The first thing she says is “Are you done with the car?” I said yes we’ve been done for a few hours. She says “Where’s my dog?” I told her I didn’t know. “Did you tell him I want my dog?” Yes. She starts flipping out “He stole my dog!” Ect ect…She announced she was going to call the police and report that he stole her dog…I cracked up at the ridiculousness of that (not on purpose it just came out). I tried to explain to her the police could not do anything. They were married, its not like he broke into the house and stole her dog. This was a mistake because it just inflamed her. She went all over the map carrying on about different things he did over the past 55 years they’ve been married. I know these stories, I’ve heard them a million times. Most of them are embellished or completely made up. I know because she makes up imaginary things that I supposedly did that never happened.
So I try to tell her I wish she had someone her own age she talk to about these things but it is hard for me to constantly hear these horrible things about my father. She carries on and cries, "she has no one…"ect. I know I need to get off the phone. I’m trying to find a window to do that. I feel guilty because she really doesn’t have anyone. I start saying prayers in my head to block her out. She is saying so many false things that I know are false horrible things about my dad…and she plays the martyr. I know how horrible she is to him. For years after my sister died (from cancer) she screamed at him that he killed her. She’s called him a Nazi (he’s German), she’s called him horrible, horrible things. She finally pushes the wrong button and I snap…I end up having a screaming match on the phone with my mom. Luckily her phone battery dies and we get disconnected. Thank God.
I’ve told myself over and over to not get sucked in…and I just did it again.
Some back story on the latest…My mom & Dad went to visit my mom’s family in another state for Christmas. Her sister has a dog. My mom fell in love with the dog. (When I was little we had to give away our beagle when my mom became allergic to him after having him for about 10 years). She comes home and wants a dog just like my aunt’s dog. She says she’s not allergic to this dog. Within days of coming home she gets a dog (the most impulsive thing my parents have ever done by the way.)
She’s had the dog for about two weeks. A few days ago my daughter and I went over to their house because my daughter really loves the dog and wanted to play with him. We bought the little doggie a coat. My mom was at the store when we got there. My dad went to pick her up (she doesn’t drive) and as soon as she comes in the house she says she has to get rid of the dog, she’s allergic to the dog. My daughter got emotional because she’s fallen in love with dog. My mom says matter of factly “Well I’m having trouble breathing so he has to go. I called the lady we got him from and she says she’ll call me when she finds someone to take him. But I can’t wait long so one way or another he has to go.”
That night I talked to my husband and he agreed that we could take the dog. Anyways…last night after work I had car trouble. My dad picked me up because my husband works afternoons. This morning we went to have my car towed to the auto shop -my dad had the dog with him. He went to his other house last night because they got in a fight. While we’re out my daughter calls me and says “grandma called and she told me to call grandpa and tell him to give her back her dog. Then she wants me to call her back and let her know when grandpa is bringing back her dog.” I told my daughter I will call grandma, don’t call her back, I don’t want her involving you.
So I call my mom, she carried on, I firmly but politely asked not to involve my daughter in her and my dad’s fights. She tried to defend…I repeatedly interrupted and said “I am asking you not to involve (daughter’s name) in your arguments. I don’t want you tell her she needs to tell her grandpa to do anything…you are putting her in the middle and I do not want that.” It took several times before she finally agreed. She told me to tell my dad she wants her dog back. I told her I would tell him.
Anyway tonight she calls about three hours after my dad brought me back home. (We went out to lunch and he took me to the store so I could pick my medicine and a few groceries.) The first thing she says is “Are you done with the car?” I said yes we’ve been done for a few hours. She says “Where’s my dog?” I told her I didn’t know. “Did you tell him I want my dog?” Yes. She starts flipping out “He stole my dog!” Ect ect…She announced she was going to call the police and report that he stole her dog…I cracked up at the ridiculousness of that (not on purpose it just came out). I tried to explain to her the police could not do anything. They were married, its not like he broke into the house and stole her dog. This was a mistake because it just inflamed her. She went all over the map carrying on about different things he did over the past 55 years they’ve been married. I know these stories, I’ve heard them a million times. Most of them are embellished or completely made up. I know because she makes up imaginary things that I supposedly did that never happened.
So I try to tell her I wish she had someone her own age she talk to about these things but it is hard for me to constantly hear these horrible things about my father. She carries on and cries, "she has no one…"ect. I know I need to get off the phone. I’m trying to find a window to do that. I feel guilty because she really doesn’t have anyone. I start saying prayers in my head to block her out. She is saying so many false things that I know are false horrible things about my dad…and she plays the martyr. I know how horrible she is to him. For years after my sister died (from cancer) she screamed at him that he killed her. She’s called him a Nazi (he’s German), she’s called him horrible, horrible things. She finally pushes the wrong button and I snap…I end up having a screaming match on the phone with my mom. Luckily her phone battery dies and we get disconnected. Thank God.
I’ve told myself over and over to not get sucked in…and I just did it again.
I’ve tried helping her find a new doctor. There’s always excuses -too young, too old, too foreign, the location. She’s extremely weary of any medication. She doesn’t understand that one medicine being lets say 20mg and a different medication being 100mg does not mean the one is more potent than the other. “Well my old medicine was only 25mg the new one is 500mg, its too strong. I think they are trying to kill me.” Two completely different medications. She not filled prescriptions, she’s called back and argued with the doctor, stopped taking them because she imagines all these side effects which are not even on the list of possible side effects. I really have no idea if she’s been checked for dementia. I certainly couldn’t suggest it. I’m sure the doctor gets that my mom is not “right.” I’ve been with her before when she’s been at the doctor. She is a difficult patient.