Please tell me if I'm wrong.. Trying to get out of the Emotional Abuse

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My husband is not a very nice man as some of you know. Our relationship has been falling apart and I am very unhappy.

This thread has a lot of the information on my marraige to kind of give you a look inside before you anwser my question.
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=524025

I have been thinking very heavily of separating from him and possible filing for a divorce, and then an annulment. I have no problem being alone if the annulment is denied at least then I will be happier than I am now. So long story short. He “is a control-freak, [emotionally] abusive, immature, and a bully.”(these are quotes from others after they have heard my story.) “That is classic manipulation behavior. What he does is NOT your concern or your fault.” etc. It is all on the previous thread. I have consulted some friends and also my mother who have told me that I really need to get out of this relationship. And believe me I know that.

I am not some woman who makes excuses to why I can’t leave. I stay of my own free will in the hopes that something will change even though I don’t believe it will. I pray for our relationship dearly. I went to Mass last night and there was a special blessing afterwards. Instead of asking for a blessing on my foot that I recently injuried bad enough to be on crutches for a while I asked for a blessing on my marraige. I really wish this could work. I have come to terms that it may just be best to let bygones be bygones. I have an issue though. I need to know if what I am planning to do is wrong. It is really bothering me but I feel I have no other choice.

I am a mother of 2 young children and a fulltime university student studying accounting. I live about 1 hr and 30 min from the university so I have to commute every day i go. I have to have a descent car to do that. He currently drives the best vehicle that we own which is mostly falling apart. We plan to be getting a new(used) car with our income taxes that should come in sometime around the end of Feb. He has also succeeded in ruining my credit by not paying the bills with my name on them. I have since took over all of the money and have been slowly paying things off. I only have appx 2000 dollars to pay off now and then I will be debt free with the exception of student loans. I need this money from income taxes to get a car for me to take back and forth to school. For me to be able to have that money I will have to be with him or he will take it from me. I know some will say there are other ways to take care of this but you have to understand that my paychecks go to gas the bills I owe and the rest goes to my mom whom we live with b/c she is on unemployment and needs help to pay her bills.

I feel like I am essentially lying to him. I have not told him I want to leave but he knows our relationship is all but over he made that decision recently. He is a habitual adulturer, and recently asked my permission to sleep with other women which I immediately told him no. I also told him that a marraige is between two ppl not more than two. He told me this morning that he is not moving when I finish school and that he will not live in the city. I do not want to have to drive an hour to go to work and in my profession there is not a lot of good jobs in this area or in the country at all for that matter. So I need to live closer to the city plus if I am making good money then I can send our children to good school. (preferably catholic which in this area runs nearly $5000 a year for younger age children.)

I am trying to look ahead in my future. I want the best for my kids and he won’t allow it. I need to know that what I am planning to be able to get out of this relationship is not wrong. Please understand where I am coming from. I was barely 18 yrs old and found out I was pregnant my family were devout Baptist who felt like an unwed mother was the devil himself. I had no choice but to marry this man if I wanted any help at all in my life. The emotional abuse, screaming hollaring and threatening to leave started less that 2 months after we said I do. The cheating started shortly after that. He has left me for 3 different women in the past 4 years and almost left about a month ago but I fought to keep him here and won for the time being. Then on Christmas Eve night he asked me to let him sleep with other people. I have lost this race and I know it. I just need to get out but without harming myself or my children in the meantime. We need this car to get where we need to go he is a mechanic and he will not fix the one I drive now he keeps putting it off and I have no money to fix it. I hate to say this but I know that when I leave he will not give me any money to pay bills. He will however take care of buying things for the kids that I know he will do as long as he doesn’t blow all his money but I never can be sure how much. Please help me.
 
From everything you wrote in this thread and the other one…no, I don’t think you are wrong to get out.

How long do you have until you graduate? Can you move onto campus and use campus transporation to get around? Is there a school closer to you that you can attend?

I don’t know how things will play out even if you wait to leave until after you get the car. If he decides to be a jerk, he can just come and take it before the court has a chance to get involved (fil did that to mil, there was nothing she could do about it, left her carless). You need a back up plan.
 
He is resentful. Shot-gun weddings make men resentful.

I am not going to tell you if you are right or wrong, but I will tell you that you need to see things more from his perspective.

Whether you leave or not you need to find forgiveness and sympathy for him. No matter what he will always be your children’s father. He will always have rights.
 
Before you pull the trigger on getting out, have you considered marriage counselling with a good Catholic marriage counselor? Or attending Marriage Encounter?

Many people, unfortunately today, approach marriage as a contract for happiness vs. a covenant between them and God. It’s usually not their fault. They were never taught.

The difference is this: A contract is an agreement between two parties for the exchange of goods or services. A covenant is an agreement between two persons for the exchange of selves. Many people leave marriages because they “aren’t happy,” i.e., the other person is not fulfilling their “needs and wants.” Men are most often guilty of this, I think. (I’m a man, so I’m not doing the feminist thing here.) Any time we go into a relationship and base it on “function,” then we’re headed for trouble. We cannot afford to look at our spouse merely in terms of “function.” That’s what our society teaches, and it’s wrong, and leads to misery, most of the time.

If a couple is married with the understanding that it is a covenant between the two of them and God, then they will always, always come as a servant to the other, as they would come as a servant to God. You know what I mean by that? I’ll bet this has never crossed your husband’s mind. Usually, people who are overly controlling are insecure people, for whatever reason. Maybe he needs some counselling on top of marriage counselling.

Anyway, I recommend lots of prayer and sacrifice. Fast, pray the Rosary, etc. It helps believe me.

Many Saints of the Church were declared Saints because they suffered much at the hands of an abusive spouse. Usually women, but some men, too. They stuck it out and offered up their sufferings to the Lord that they and their spouse and family be converted to Jesus.

I’ll pray for you, and ask you to pray for you and your husband, too. Ask God to show you His will in all this. Not your will, but His will.

God bless! 🙂
 
I probably don’t even need to be commenting on this, seeing as I’m not religious…I’m compelled, because I was in the same boat, sans the religion…

***I have been thinking very heavily of separating from him and possible filing for a divorce, and then an annulment. I have no problem being alone if the annulment is denied at least then I will be happier than I am now. ***
I’m thinking you already made up your mind, and you want/need validation…might not be wise to get it from cyberspace;D
So long story short. He “is a control-freak, [emotionally] abusive, immature, and a bully.” ***
Oh, yeah, if you are in a emotionally abusive relationship, and you don’t see things getting better, you might need to get out. Have you considered councilling?
I am not some woman who makes excuses to why I can’t leave. I stay of my own free will in the hopes that something will change even though I don’t believe it will. ***
Again, what steps have you or your husband made to make the changes? Do you think it’s possible? I’m getting no…

I pray for our relationship dearly. I went to Mass last night….
crosses eyes
Prayer has its place, I suppose, but, again, what have you done to make him understand you are not happy? What has HE done to try to make YOU happy? Does he want to try to change? Does he even see anything wrong? Does he realize he’s being emotionally abusive? I’m guessing not…
I have an issue though. I need to know if what I am planning to do is wrong. It is really bothering me but I feel I have no other choice. ***
'Can’t answer you there. I’m gathering you mean in the religious sense. Otherwise, I’d say no, whatever you need to do to make your children and you have a sane life, I say go for it…

***I am a mother of 2 young children and a fulltime university student studying accounting. I live about 1 hr and 30 min from the university so I have to commute every day i go. I have to have a descent car to do that. ***
Yeah, I’ve been there. However, we both had pretty OK cars, so I was pretty lucky there. Now, see, if’n you DO leave, is living close to campus an option?
He currently drives the best vehicle that we own which is mostly falling apart. We plan to be getting a new(used) car with our income taxes that should come in sometime around the end of Feb.
That’s the income tax that’s from his salary? Hum. I’d venture to say that’s his money, if you leave him, but I wouldn’t know for sure. See, we file separately, so…
He has also succeeded in ruining my credit …***
Oh, yep, yep, I have been there. Lost my house, and my credit is destroyed beyond repair. Pfft. Yeah. However, I have my life, my sanity, and my son. It’s all good…
Hum. You are living with your parents? Yeah. He needs to pack up and go. DK if that’s legally possible, probably not. Hum.
…He is a habitual adulterer, and recently asked my permission to sleep with other women which I immediately told him no. ***
Oh, wow. Let’s guess. He’s trying to tell you he’s polyamorous? And he just realized it? Oh, so wrong, so, so wrong. See, I don’t see anything wrong with polyamory, but…yeah. That’s just a lame excuse to try to justify his cheating…pfft. Yeah, you need to leave his sorry a**.

***… in my profession there is not a lot of good jobs in this area or in the country at all for that matter. So I need to live closer to the city …
Yeah, I’d agree…you want to move close to your school…and possible employment, that’s what I’ve done. I’m guessing your parent(s?) are coming along?

***I am trying to look ahead in my future. I want the best for my kids and he won’t allow it. ******
I’m guessing you mean that he won’t let you raise your kids in your faith? or generally?

***I need to know that what I am planning to be able to get out of this relationship is not wrong. ***
You can’t get that from cyberspace, no matter how much you might want to…

From what I am getting you really want to leave, and I can’t say as I blame you. I left my husband for less. We are still legally married, but we are separated, have been for years. He lives in another state with his GF. Hey, it works for us…

Sad to say, though, you can’t get any answers here…suggestions perhaps. Can’t anyone tell you what you are doing is right, wrong or indifferent…only you, your family, your husband and any professional that’s involved might have insight…but in the end…it’s up to you.**
 
masondoggy said:
From everything you wrote in this thread and the other one…no, I don’t think you are wrong to get out.

How long do you have until you graduate? Can you move onto campus and use campus transporation to get around? Is there a school closer to you that you can attend?

I don’t know how things will play out even if you wait to leave until after you get the car. If he decides to be a jerk, he can just come and take it before the court has a chance to get involved (fil did that to mil, there was nothing she could do about it, left her carless). You need a back up plan.
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Well I have children so I can’t move I don’t have enough money to rent on my own with the job I have so I live with my mom plus i have to have a babysitter. And I have a plan to get the car put in only my name so he can’t take it. Although i’m sure there won’t be a a problem with him taking my car b/c then he would have to give me his truck and he really likes his truck. once I buy the car i’m good he isn’t gonna take that but he will take the money if i let him get his hands on it.
 
Scoobyshme said:
Before you pull the trigger on getting out, have you considered marriage counselling with a good Catholic marriage counselor? Or attending Marriage Encounter?

Many people, unfortunately today, approach marriage as a contract for happiness vs. a covenant between them and God. It’s usually not their fault. They were never taught.

The difference is this: A contract is an agreement between two parties for the exchange of goods or services. A covenant is an agreement between two persons for the exchange of selves. Many people leave marriages because they “aren’t happy,” i.e., the other person is not fulfilling their “needs and wants.” Men are most often guilty of this, I think. (I’m a man, so I’m not doing the feminist thing here.) Any time we go into a relationship and base it on “function,” then we’re headed for trouble. We cannot afford to look at our spouse merely in terms of “function.” That’s what our society teaches, and it’s wrong, and leads to misery, most of the time.

If a couple is married with the understanding that it is a covenant between the two of them and God, then they will always, always come as a servant to the other, as they would come as a servant to God. You know what I mean by that? I’ll bet this has never crossed your husband’s mind. Usually, people who are overly controlling are insecure people, for whatever reason. Maybe he needs some counselling on top of marriage counselling.

Anyway, I recommend lots of prayer and sacrifice. Fast, pray the Rosary, etc. It helps believe me.

Many Saints of the Church were declared Saints because they suffered much at the hands of an abusive spouse. Usually women, but some men, too. They stuck it out and offered up their sufferings to the Lord that they and their spouse and family be converted to Jesus.

I’ll pray for you, and ask you to pray for you and your husband, too. Ask God to show you His will in all this. Not your will, but His will.

God bless! 🙂
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I will assume you didn’t read the previous thread or you would know that for 6.5 yrs that we have been married I have tried and I have been to counselling several times with a baptist counsellor with him and by myself b/c he wouldn’t go. I am converting from baptist to catholic and he is a anti-catholic baptist. I have been to a priest in my parish but he refuses to go with me. I have tried and its not about looking at it from his point of view I have tried that as well. He wants to be with other women and I don’t want him to be. I want him to be with only me he cares nothing about marriage or the covenant of marraige I have always believed that marraige is forever and have only recently come to the desicion to leave for the sake of not only myself but my children.
 
phoenixrrt62 said:
I probably don’t even need to be commenting on this, seeing as I’m not religious…I’m compelled, because I was in the same boat, sans the religion…

***I have been thinking very heavily of separating from him and possible filing for a divorce, and then an annulment. I have no problem being alone if the annulment is denied at least then I will be happier than I am now. ***
I’m thinking you already made up your mind, and you want/need validation…might not be wise to get it from cyberspace;D
So long story short. He “is a control-freak, [emotionally] abusive, immature, and a bully.” ***
Oh, yeah, if you are in a emotionally abusive relationship, and you don’t see things getting better, you might need to get out. Have you considered councilling?
I am not some woman who makes excuses to why I can’t leave. I stay of my own free will in the hopes that something will change even though I don’t believe it will. ***
Again, what steps have you or your husband made to make the changes? Do you think it’s possible? I’m getting no…

I pray for our relationship dearly. I went to Mass last night….
crosses eyes
Prayer has its place, I suppose, but, again, what have you done to make him understand you are not happy? What has HE done to try to make YOU happy? Does he want to try to change? Does he even see anything wrong? Does he realize he’s being emotionally abusive? I’m guessing not…
I have an issue though. I need to know if what I am planning to do is wrong. It is really bothering me but I feel I have no other choice. ***
'Can’t answer you there. I’m gathering you mean in the religious sense. Otherwise, I’d say no, whatever you need to do to make your children and you have a sane life, I say go for it…

***I am a mother of 2 young children and a fulltime university student studying accounting. I live about 1 hr and 30 min from the university so I have to commute every day i go. I have to have a descent car to do that. ***
Yeah, I’ve been there. However, we both had pretty OK cars, so I was pretty lucky there. Now, see, if’n you DO leave, is living close to campus an option?
He currently drives the best vehicle that we own which is mostly falling apart. We plan to be getting a new(used) car with our income taxes that should come in sometime around the end of Feb.
That’s the income tax that’s from his salary? Hum. I’d venture to say that’s his money, if you leave him, but I wouldn’t know for sure. See, we file separately, so…
He has also succeeded in ruining my credit …***
Oh, yep, yep, I have been there. Lost my house, and my credit is destroyed beyond repair. Pfft. Yeah. However, I have my life, my sanity, and my son. It’s all good…
Hum. You are living with your parents? Yeah. He needs to pack up and go. DK if that’s legally possible, probably not. Hum.
…He is a habitual adulterer, and recently asked my permission to sleep with other women which I immediately told him no. ***
Oh, wow. Let’s guess. He’s trying to tell you he’s polyamorous? And he just realized it? Oh, so wrong, so, so wrong. See, I don’t see anything wrong with polyamory, but…yeah. That’s just a lame excuse to try to justify his cheating…pfft. Yeah, you need to leave his sorry a**.

***… in my profession there is not a lot of good jobs in this area or in the country at all for that matter. So I need to live closer to the city …
Yeah, I’d agree…you want to move close to your school…and possible employment, that’s what I’ve done. I’m guessing your parent(s?) are coming along?

***I am trying to look ahead in my future. I want the best for my kids and he won’t allow it. ******
I’m guessing you mean that he won’t let you raise your kids in your faith? or generally?

***I need to know that what I am planning to be able to get out of this relationship is not wrong. ***
You can’t get that from cyberspace, no matter how much you might want to…

From what I am getting you really want to leave, and I can’t say as I blame you. I left my husband for less. We are still legally married, but we are separated, have been for years. He lives in another state with his GF. Hey, it works for us…

Sad to say, though, you can’t get any answers here…suggestions perhaps. Can’t anyone tell you what you are doing is right, wrong or indifferent…only you, your family, your husband and any professional that’s involved might have insight…but in the end…it’s up to you.

I have to say that he doesnt want me to raise them catholic no but as long as they raised in the baptist faith I can accept that for the most part and when they are old enough they can make that decision. i’m fine with that. I have tried to repair our relationship numerous times. he doesnt want to repair it until he leaves and sees that I am done with him and then he comes back saying he loves me and will change then give it 2 wks and he will be just back the way he was when he left i’ve gone through this appx 10 times.
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***I have to say that he doesn’t want me to raise them catholic, no -but as long as they raised in the baptist faith I can accept that for the most part and when they are old enough they can make that decision. I’m fine with that. ***

Oh, ok, I see.*** If*** you leave him, chances are you will be able to raise them in your faith, if that’s important to you. My child was raised with no real religious influence at all-he’s been to different churches in the Christian faith-just for exposure…It was done pretty much intentionally. I wanted him to decide for himself if religion was for him. He decided it was not.
His father was in full agreement with this, seeing as he feels that organized religion is something he’s not in agreement with…however, he does believe in God in a general sense, unlike me…I question, his father does not. He just thinks organized religion is a mess…

I have tried to repair our relationship numerous times. he doesn’t want to repair it- until he leaves and sees that I am done with him and then he comes back saying he loves me and will change…
-then he gives it 2 wks and he will be just back the way he was when he left. I’ve gone through this appx 10 times.
Yeah. That’s a passive aggressive personality at work, trust. My ex tried that mess. I told him he had 6 months to agree to something…therapy, marriage councilling, anything working toward the problems we BOTH had. Believe me when I say, I was at fault, too…and yes, I knew this…but it takes 2 to work things out, too…I can only say I am at fault so many times…hell, I wasn’t the ONLY one at fault.

He ignored me…well, for the most part. So, after 6 months, I took our son (he was 4 at the time)-a few things of mine and my son’s, and left. Left MY home (it was mine before we married) and everything in it just to get away from him. Yep, yep.

I didn’t say anything at first…I suspect for different reasons that you are planning (he threatened me-had me looking at the barrel of a shotgun@0200 one fine morning;D) -I got a rental on a storage space, put the stuff in it I planned to move in, got a apartment…and explained why I needed to work FAST to the management…they were pretty good about it, thank goodness…and inside of one month, I was out with the boy…and had a plan to call the law if necessary.
I was lucky. It was not.
Did he harass me? Yeah. It got so silly that my co-workers knew his pattern, and one co-worker managed to answer the phone once (unbeknown to me) and tell the ex to stop calling the hospital or he was gonna kick his a**…yeah. That was fun. Not.
A year later, he let up. Now he rarely contacts me, and I rarely contact him. I have full custody of our boy, who’s now a teen.

I suppose I’m writing this book to try to tell you that it is possible to survive as a single mom. Is it hard? Well, sad to say, yeah…but-I’d rather make that sacrifice for my son. I did not want him to have to live in the insane environment that he was bound to be exposed to if I had stayed with his father. The ex’s cheating was the LEAST of my problems, believe you me.
 
You have not mentioned whether your children will be affected by your decisions but they certainly will. If you are planning to convert to Catholicism, you should seek the guidance you need from a Catholic counselor if not the priest in your parish.

If there is no physical violence between you as husband and wife and none directed at the children, doing nothing at this time seems the best option. You are in the midst of some life changing events - your education and your conversion. Adding more unrest and chaos to the mix is the last thing you should be thinking of right now. My advice to you is to pray, seek good catholic christian counseling for yourself, and continue to live your life, mindful of your childrens’ welfare. There is no rush to make a drastic change, is there? What is hapening now has not changed from the sound of your posts. Your ability to receive the sacraments will be such an improvement for your body, mind and spirit, I vote that you stay as you are for now and continue making all the good steps that you have begun. God will help you in your struggles. He has brought you this far. He is asking you to rely on Him. I’ll pray for you.
 
i know for a fact that i can not be a fully practicing in the catholic faith while I live in the same house. He has made it clear that he does not want me going and our children (even if i leave him) will not be allowed to be raised in the catholic church. He doesnt physically abuse me but he does emotionally abuse me and our children to a certian extent so I am looking at their welfare. I have tried to sheild them the best I can and take his angry myself so he wouldn’t take it out on them. My daughter is now old enough to understand and be affected by his abuse. It needs to stop before he gets to bad. for the most part right now he is just really hard as far as some things on her but that is how it started with me. He has no respect for women even my mother and grandmother. he is rude and mean to them as well. He looks down on women i suppose and i can’t let my dd grow up like that its not fair to her. the question here is not really if its right to leave but if anyone would feel guilty about actually making a plan to leave.
 
Your husband has cheated on you repeatedly and asked to sleep with other people? :eek::mad::eek: And has come back at least ten times promising to change?

He’s not beyond the grace of God, but right now, he is a horrible man and there is no way you deserve this treatment. I would advise at least making mental plans to get away from him, if you can’t do it right away. You are not wrong in wanting to leave.

Perhaps you will be able to reconcile with him in the future, but that doesn’t mean you have to stay and endure everything he is doing to you and everything your children are being exposed to. Hopefully in the near future, perhaps when classes break for the summer, you can leave him. Hugs!
 
Perhaps the blessings you have prayed for have come to you in the form of impartial third-party perspective. Action is the only tool left to you. Your “husband” needs to know you are considering leaving the marriage; but you must set yourself up financially as best you can in anticipation of his going ballistic at the news.

I may be a pessimist, but I have never seen any kind of therapy change a control freak. The very nature of therapy sets up the competitive nature of the controlling person, whose sole goal is to win. And win he will, and suffer you will, if joint therapy is entered into. Ah, this is just an opinion, not medical or spiritual advice. But experience carries great value - I’ve seen these situations end badly.

Do what you will, but DO. Pondering the misery cannot be considered action.

gen
 
I think the fact you have already had one miscarriage due to the stress that he has put on you and those were your doctors words makes this a very severe emotional abuse situation. You already know what the right answers are. You don’t need anyone’s permission. Talk to your priest, get a lawyer to learn your rights and just be safe. God bless you.
 
LEAVE. Leave now. Trust God to supply your needs, and trust that He has a plan for you if your plan doesn’t work out. It sounds like you will be eligible for all kinds of low-income help once you leave him. Leave, file for divorce, and file your income taxes seperately. Then contact your Department of Children and Families, or whatever they call it where you are, and apply for the help you deserve. There is nothing wrong with accepting help from the state/government in your situation. For your sake, and your children’s, please get out. You are in my prayers.
 
First of all, this is to the OP, I read the entire content of the first thread and this new thread. I hope your injury gets better soon. Also, I am so sorry that you have gone through all this suffering. Trust me when I say I understand some of what you have gone through. I will say this. Your husband sounds like he has some personality disorder. As many said in the other thread, a mental health problem. When I married my husband, he was the same way. He was full of anger and verbally and emotionally abusive. When I read what you wrote about the restaurant thing, it sounded so familiar. I understand what it feels like to live like you are walking on eggshells and not knowing when your husband will explode at almost anything. You don’t know what will set him off. His response to everyday normal things would be abnormal. Does that sound familiar to you? There are differences in our husbands though. My dh never had affairs. He always bought me flowers at time and on special occasions. He would buy me expensive birthday gifts, mother days gifts and Christmas gifts, but what I really wanted was for his anger to be under control. I did not know before marrying him that he was abused as a child. He kept that from me. I was like you in my thinking though that I married for life and I was not going to give up hope in my husband and I prayed and prayed and prayed for him. We are now married for 12 years. When we were married into the 4th or 5th year, before that I wanted a divorce almost monthly for that is how bad it was, I told him that I could not live that this anymore and if he loved him as he said he needed to go get professional help. If he did not, he would lose me. Thank God, he went to go see a psychiatrist and a psychologist and signed up for anger management. Slowly throughout the years he got better with the medication. I won’t lie and say it was easy it was not. I had to interfere so many times between him and my daughter who is now 11 years old for he would be too harsh with her. When I interfere, I would end up in a major argument with him. We went to several marriage counselors, but none of them helped us for they needed to help him first. He had issues from his childhood that were unresolved. He had issues withh is mother that were unresolved that interfered in our marriage. My husband also loved God very much and was a practicing Catholic, also different from your husband. In the last four years, he has been going to confession weekly and to daily Mass. I haven’t for I have to homeschool my daughter and I get too busy. The sad news is that the anger my husband had and has is contagious and has infected myself and our daughter. This is an angry household. I am trying very hard to change this in me and our daughter. I resent my husband for doing this to our family. He recently got sick, just after Christmas of 2010, and had to stay in bed for 7 days. He had a lot of time to think, so he told me. He told me one night before our family Rosary, that he was so sorry for mistreating me and our daughter for so many years in our marriage. He started to cry. He said he wanted to change and wanted to be a better husband and father. He said he wanted the year 2011 to be a great beginning for us in our marriage and family and wanted us to be happy again and not unhappy. I was shocked, but so happy that my prayers and my daughter’s prayers of 12 years were finally being answered. I think he really means it. My daughter got so angry yesterday that the old dh would have blown his top but he stayed calmed and talked her down to calmness as well. I was shocked. He ended up giving her a punishment for yelling and screaming at us and being disobedient, but did so in a calm way and now like before in a yelling match with her. It was nice to see. Now I need to pray for my daughter. Yes, my husband has mental health issues and may never be perfect, but he is trying to change. Many told me to divorce him many times, but I saw good in him and I am glad I hung in there.

But sweetie, you situation is different. I know the nightmare you are living emotionally. It is a roller coaster. You need to trust in the Lord to provide for you on your school and car. If you file for divorce, your husband has to pay for child support. Get a lawyer and go get some advise. Oh, please mention to your lawyer, your husbands verbal and emotional abuse. If you went to counseling, give the lawyer the names of the counselors for you don’t want your husband to have visitation with the kids alone. You would want him to have visitation with supervision. Trust me I know from experience. I have a sister who got a divorce from an anger man and she never trust to leave her children alone with him when they were married and when they got a divorce, she forgot to mention that in the divorce papers and he sees those kids alone and he has physically abused his son twice. He has allowed his new wife when he remarried to molest his son for he was sleeping. He was charged with neglect, but the department of children and families did nothing. That is DCF for you. Those kids are still neglected and verbally abused by their dad. My niece is old enough now that she can refuse to go with her dad and does. My nephew still has to go and he is one with mental health problems due to the physical abuse he had. It is very sad. It is very difficult to get supervised visitation once you signed those divorce papers. Talk to a lawyer to know your rights.

There is book called Stop walking on Eggshells too that you may want to read.
amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/157224108X

I hope all this helps you.
 
Protect yourself. Don’t be so worried about whether your children accept Catholicism. You’re original promise in your marriage is probably to raise them baptist. Allow God to guide them. No doubt that your husband will have his say in the matter. I have no words to say about his behavior except that no one deserves this kind of treatment.

People are currently commenting on my thread requesting good sources to deal with my situation. My situation is mostly time and money, not infedelity or physical abuse. Emotional abuse can have more devastating consequences thought. But my wife is nothing like this.

It sounds like you already know what you must do. It breaks my heart to see people unable to cope with marriage difficulties . I feel foolish after reading your story. Silence is sometimes an effective tool, but sometimes leaving is necessary. Cheating and asking to have an open relationship:blush::eek:. Right now I’m ashamed to be a man. Cut the chord is my first gut response. How many times must a person be called out on the floor to man up? Save yourself and your children physically, spiritually, emotionally and materially. The courts will no doubt award you custody, assuming sanity still exists Once the children find out what he’s been doing, they’ll end up choosing sides secretly or openly, but mostly coping with it. But your best defense with them is not to tell them the dirt. They do not need to know. This can be really messy. My parents were divorced when I was 6. The effects had extreme effects on my brothers and me. Some of my issues today pivot around the pain I lived through. My parents death was like a gift from God because it finally freed me.

I’ll light a candle for you as I finally get off to bed.
 
PbloPicasso,

I do not judge the whole male race for the actions of one. You have no reason to feel ashamed to be a man. You obviously aren’t like him. I do worry about my children believe me however I know that God will take care of them. My husband is not a great man in many ways. Now, sometimes he is and believe me I do honestly love him. I just know that if I am so unhappy being with him then my life will never be great, only ok. It’s not enough to just love someone. I have tried that and it doesn’t make me happy. He has to love me back. I pray that God will help me with this problem.

nana3,

Unfortunately, there is not a true marraige counsellor (not church related) in our area. As for physcologist etc. we have no insurance or money to pay $100 plus per session to go to one. As far as medication is concerned I believe he should be on some but he refuses to take any medication even pain meds or antibiotics given to him by his doctor. He will not even go to the dr most of the time. I can only hope that he realizes that he is losing me b/c of his actions. Last night he walked in the bedroom and started hollaring b/c there were clothes on the bed which I had layed there in the intention of hanging them up in just a little while. I have recently injuried my foot so I have to rest often if I am on it too the point of using an icepack. I got up and started putting up the clothes while he sat there and just stared at me tapping his foot. I told him. Contray to what you believe I am your wife not your maid. You will one day regret the way you treat me. He just looked at me like I was speaking gimerish and ignored me. After I was done I walked out of the room and he got up and slammed the door behind me. Later as I came back in to bedroom to go to bed he was laying in bed watching TV. He refused to talk to me until he wanted something to drink, to which I told him my foot was hurting and I was not getting up.

This is my Life!
 
w0231136 said:
PbloPicasso,

I do not judge the whole male race for the actions of one. You have no reason to feel ashamed to be a man. You obviously aren’t like him. I do worry about my children believe me however I know that God will take care of them. My husband is not a great man in many ways. Now, sometimes he is and believe me I do honestly love him. I just know that if I am so unhappy being with him then my life will never be great, only ok. It’s not enough to just love someone. I have tried that and it doesn’t make me happy. He has to love me back. I pray that God will help me with this problem.

nana3,

Unfortunately, there is not a true marraige counsellor (not church related) in our area. As for physcologist etc. we have no insurance or money to pay $100 plus per session to go to one. As far as medication is concerned I believe he should be on some but he refuses to take any medication even pain meds or antibiotics given to him by his doctor. He will not even go to the dr most of the time. I can only hope that he realizes that he is losing me b/c of his actions. Last night he walked in the bedroom and started hollaring b/c there were clothes on the bed which I had layed there in the intention of hanging them up in just a little while. I have recently injuried my foot so I have to rest often if I am on it too the point of using an icepack. I got up and started putting up the clothes while he sat there and just stared at me tapping his foot. I told him. Contray to what you believe I am your wife not your maid. You will one day regret the way you treat me. He just looked at me like I was speaking gimerish and ignored me. After I was done I walked out of the room and he got up and slammed the door behind me. Later as I came back in to bedroom to go to bed he was laying in bed watching TV. He refused to talk to me until he wanted something to drink, to which I told him my foot was hurting and I was not getting up.

This is my Life!
Click to expand...
This does not have to be your Life. I get angry just reading how this man treats you. He has to be the most selfish man in the world. Of course, he is not, for there are more out there, but my goodness, you are not in a sacramental marriage. This is not what marriage is suppose to be. My husband is and never was this selfish, especially if I was injured. In fact, I am disabled with back pain and he tries to help me as much as he can for he has chronic foot pain also and is disabled as well. We are both on disability and can’t work and are with each other 24/7. That is why we argue a lot in the beginning. Most couples don’t see each other that much.

But really,you don’t have to put up with this. One time I went to confession to a priest and it was during one of those time when my husband was treating me poorly. He told me to get a divorce. I was shocked, but that was his advice. He told me I am not meant to be a doormat to him. Of course, he did not know the entire story in just the 10 minutes I talked to him, so I did not take his advice and I am glad I did not. My husband did change. If I saw no change, as you are seeing in your husband, no change and also that he is seeing other women, there is no way I would stay in the marriage. It is not a marriage. I love my Catholic Faith. I married for life. I married with no intention of getting a divorce, but if I had a husband like yours, I would get a divorce. The Lord wants you happy as well. He wants you to worship him in joy and peace and most of all he wants you to raise your kids in peace and joy as well. You can’t do that in a household where you have an angry man, selfish man who is also committing adultery. What kind of an example of a marriage are you setting for your children? Just me you will resent your husband. Your children will grow up with anger problems. I see if in my husband and his two brothers. His parents both had anger issues and both were verbally and physically abusive to their three sons. All three have mental health problems. Two of them are alcholics. My husband is the only one who is not for he has God in his life. They all have addiction problems to things. They have anger issue. They all have depression problems. They are all insecure and have low self-esteem. Do you want your kids to have all that? Think about it all. You can break the cycle.

Well, I prayed for you all day and thought of you from the time I woke up and offered a Rosary for you and your family. Just trust in Jesus. Draw closer to Jesus. Pray the Rosary for Mary will lead you to her Son, Jesus. It won’t be easy, but with Jesus all things will be possible. Remember what I said, get a lawyer for you want your husband to have supervised visitations when you get a divorce for the sake of the kids for you will be living a nightmare!!
 
I LEFT NOW WHAT???

I have no ideal what to do or where to turn. I can only hope that he will not fight me over money and as far as the kids are concerned I don’t believe that he will care that they are with me. He isn’t Dad of the year at all. I am living with my mom and brother and my 2 kids. I have started the process of filing paperwork for legal separation and divorce. I really want to believe it will be easy but I think this is just the calm before the storm. Please say a prayer for me.
 
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