Please tell me if I'm wrong.. Trying to get out of the Emotional Abuse

[renaissance_gal]

I read your story and my heart breaks. My story is very similar to yours in many ways, except that we were both Catholic (he did not practice), so I was “allowed” to raise my kids Catholic. Otherwise, I felt like I was reading about my own marriage in your post.

You must decide what you want to do; however, I can tell you what happened to me when I chose to stay in our marriage for 16 years before I finally divorced my husband. Although I am a strong woman, he still managed to beat me down emotionally and mentally over our many years together. Many times, I felt as though his incessant verbal and emotional abuse caused me to loose my mind. I became someone I never wanted to be, and it has taken the eight years since my divorce to painfully work back to who I am, deep down, whom I would have become had I not married such a mean man. Although I still have issues, I can see the dim light in the distance now. In retrospect, I think that if I had good Christian counseling throughout our marriage, I would have maintained a good hold on ALL of my sanity and had more of a forgiving heart toward my mean husband.

My point is, if you choose to stay with him, make sure you have very good, ongoing counseling from a priest, loved one, spiritual director, or counselor, or you may find yourself in a real pickle regarding your own mental health. If you decide to stay with him, you might try reading “Man’s Search for Meaning” by Dr. Victor Frankle…it helped me pull myself out of despair. Also, pray a decade of the Rosary for his healing daily, and go to Adoration if it is available in your diocese. I have found that mean people are that way because they suffer much emotional pain, unless they are sociopaths. You cannot make him do what he does not want to do, but you can protect your own mental and emotional health from him until he chooses to get better, or you leave him.

 

[w0231136]

I am worried that once I am back into my own routine and making it on my own without all the hurt from “losing” him, that he will come crawling back as normal (I have been through this before and always took him back) telling me that he loves me and cares more about me than life itself. I feel like I am giving up when I tell him no I don’t want to work things out. It makes me misirable. I don’t want to feel like a failure.

My mother let my father leave and didn’t go with him out of state like he had asked her too. (They were never married) she knew he was not a 1 woman man and she didn’t want to live in a situation in which he would end up cheating on her. She raised my brother and I alone without any help from him at all. He would call us maybe once ever 7 yrs. But she always made sure we knew who our dad was.

I tell you this b/c I want to make it clear that I believe marriage as a forever deal and that children should be raised with both parents in the home. I have seen what happens when children are raised with no father figure in the home. Although I have some resentments to deal with from my absentee father, I have turned out rather ok if I do say so myself. My brother on the other hand has had a really hard time.

My brother has a serious anger management problem and at the beginning of Dec I had to have him admitted to the hospital for 3 days for attempted suicide. He promised to go to anger management and couseling upon signing himself out but b/c he is 22 there is no way to inforce it if he doesnt want it.

I am afraid my children may have problems later in life if there is no male role model in our home. This brings me back to my issue at hand. When, and I know he will eventually, he comes back to me saying he loves me and wants to work things out, I have to tell him no that I don’t want to b/c I’ve been through this before so many times with him. The issues it that all of these other things will be going through my head. I am not really sure how to tell him no. As you can tell it hasnt worked in the past. I guess I really just need support to do this.

 

[AnaTurin]

If you haven’t already…get yourself out of there NOW.

Step 1–If you have any joint bank accounts–go and withdrawal ALL of the money, take the money out of your own account if you have one–in case he tries to get it out somehow… put everything in a totally new account in a new bank and keep some cash on hand.

Step 2–kick him out or find another place to live. Get a restraining order if he acts crazy about it or threatens you or anything.

Step 3–talk to as many Catholics as you can and try to get as much support as you can.

Step 4–File for a divorce ASAP and as soon as that is done, get started on your petition for a decree of nullity. Yours sounds like an open and shut case, I think you have like 4 or 5 grounds for nullity going on there.

Step 5–take care of yourself and your kids and refuse to feel like a “failure” because it isn’t your fault, and you can’t change the past, but you can make the most of your new future.

Step 6–Resist “dating” or getting involved with anyone for as long as possible, even if you get a decree of nullity. Make sure you receive proper counseling first and not jump into any relationship. The last thing you want is to have a “rebound marriage” or marry someone in hope that this will heal your pain and make everything better.

I say all this from experience (except the “rebound marriage” thing–I am not remarried).
I got married very young to someone who was seriously mentally disordered and emotionally abusive (and later physically abusive to our children). I was “friends” (really acquaintances) with him for about 6 months and dated for 2 weeks. Then he stalked me and I even had a restraining order against him, but somehow he convinced me that it was “God’s will” that we should be together, and after 6 months engagement–living in different states and talking on the phone only a few times a week-- I married this man that I barely knew.
After a nightmare of a marriage for 8 years, I finally learned that(contrary to my non-catholic Church’s teachings) I did NOT have to remain with someone who was abusive and unfaithful and was finally free from him about 2 years ago. I have been Catholic for almost 3 years and finally know what the real meaning of marriage is. Force and fear (like in your case and mine) do NOT make a marriage, and even if your marriage is valid, you do not have to live with someone that is in any way abusive to you.

I’m a single mom now with 3 little ones and am going to school full time as well. It is difficult, but also so much better because I no longer have to live in the nightmare that I used to. And now, he is a BETTER father to his kids than he ever was–he literally spends more time with them now than he did when we were married.

Sorry for the long post, but I just wanted to tell you that I am on the “other side” of what you are about to go through, and wanted to encourage you.
peace

 

[AnaTurin]

Ok, I just read your post that you left yesterday (less than 12 hours ago I think).

When I left my husband, I literally drove 3 hours to another city because I didn’t know how he would react. We actually stayed in a women’s shelter (like for abused women) for a few weeks until I felt it was safe to come home.

Hopefully, he won’t do anything crazy, but if he does, make sure you get a restraining order.

You will probably go back and forth between feeling relieved and feeling horribly guilty. You are doing what you have to do for your sanity and for your children. I bet you know in your heart that you have done the right thing though. That’s how I felt. Don’t let satan beat you down with guilt or fear.

Don’t be afraid to go to the local DHHR (for food stamps/medicaid etc) right away. That’s exactly what it’s there for–people like you and your kids so take advantage. Trust me, you will eventually repay what they give you in the future in taxes you will pay after you graduate and get a job.

Don’t freak out about the future–take things one day at a time. EVERYTHING WILL BE OK. Because Jesus loves you and your children.

Maybe this will be your x husband’s “wake up call” to be a better father and change his ways. Maybe he can only be the “role model” or good “father figure” with you being divorced. That is exactly what happened with me and my ex- husband. He totally ignored his kids when we were married, but now he spends hours every day with them now that we are divorced. What is better for my kids? Parents that live with each other and their father completely ignores them and their mother, or parents who live in different houses but spend lots of time with them?

Seriously, if you need someone to talk to, let me know and I’ll get my phone number to you somehow.

 

[joandarc2008]

If you haven’t already…get yourself out of there NOW.

Step 1–If you have any joint bank accounts–go and withdrawal ALL of the money, take the money out of your own account if you have one–in case he tries to get it out somehow… put everything in a totally new account in a new bank and keep some cash on hand.

Step 2–kick him out or find another place to live. Get a restraining order if he acts crazy about it or threatens you or anything.

Step 3–talk to as many Catholics as you can and try to get as much support as you can.

Step 4–File for a divorce ASAP and as soon as that is done, get started on your petition for a decree of nullity. Yours sounds like an open and shut case, I think you have like 4 or 5 grounds for nullity going on there.

Step 5–take care of yourself and your kids and refuse to feel like a “failure” because it isn’t your fault, and you can’t change the past, but you can make the most of your new future.

Step 6–Resist “dating” or getting involved with anyone for as long as possible, even if you get a decree of nullity. Make sure you receive proper counseling first and not jump into any relationship. The last thing you want is to have a “rebound marriage” or marry someone in hope that this will heal your pain and make everything better.

I say all this from experience (except the “rebound marriage” thing–I am not remarried).
I got married very young to someone who was seriously mentally disordered and emotionally abusive (and later physically abusive to our children). I was “friends” (really acquaintances) with him for about 6 months and dated for 2 weeks. Then he stalked me and I even had a restraining order against him, but somehow he convinced me that it was “God’s will” that we should be together, and after 6 months engagement–living in different states and talking on the phone only a few times a week-- I married this man that I barely knew.
After a nightmare of a marriage for 8 years, I finally learned that(contrary to my non-catholic Church’s teachings) I did NOT have to remain with someone who was abusive and unfaithful and was finally free from him about 2 years ago. I have been Catholic for almost 3 years and finally know what the real meaning of marriage is. Force and fear (like in your case and mine) do NOT make a marriage, and even if your marriage is valid, you do not have to live with someone that is in any way abusive to you.

I’m a single mom now with 3 little ones and am going to school full time as well. It is difficult, but also so much better because I no longer have to live in the nightmare that I used to. And now, he is a BETTER father to his kids than he ever was–he literally spends more time with them now than he did when we were married.

Sorry for the long post, but I just wanted to tell you that I am on the “other side” of what you are about to go through, and wanted to encourage you.
peace

Step 1 - bad advice

You can only take what legally is yours this is why you need a lawyer ASAP - get a hold of your local legal assistance office and DCF (whatever it is in your state) and they will help you - doing this could get you charged.

 

[AnaTurin]

Step 1 - bad advice

You can only take what legally is yours this is why you need a lawyer ASAP - get a hold of your local legal assistance office and DCF (whatever it is in your state) and they will help you - doing this could get you charged.

Legally, if the account has her name on it, she has access to the money in it.

It doesn’t sound like she can afford a lawyer anyways, except for free legal aid that is offered for low-income people (I had one). They are very slow and usually not very good/very young which is why they are free.

I stand by my advice, that if there are any bank accounts with her name on it, that she should withdrawal all the money immediately. Sure, she might be able to have some legal battle and get to it later, but that’s not going to buy her kids what they need TODAY.

If you (OP) need any help with anything, please let me know.

 

[joandarc2008]

Legally, if the account has her name on it, she has access to the money in it.

It doesn’t sound like she can afford a lawyer anyways, except for free legal aid that is offered for low-income people (I had one). They are very slow and usually not very good/very young which is why they are free.

I stand by my advice, that if there are any bank accounts with her name on it, that she should withdrawal all the money immediately. Sure, she might be able to have some legal battle and get to it later, but that’s not going to buy her kids what they need TODAY.

If you (OP) need any help with anything, please let me know.

This depends on the state you are in - please get yourself down to DCF or whatever they call it in your area as well Catholic Charities to get aid set up now that you are separated and - take what is yours not everything. Get a lawyer through legal aid… In the wrong state you can be locked up for taking everything.

 

[Gingersnaps4]

I would withdraw only half of the money, not all. Taking all of it will get your divorce off to a very bad start!

My ex Dh was a lot like yours except not such an obvious adulterer. Also he was a very anti Christian agnostic who was raised Buddhist. One identical thing however is the cycle he is putting you through. Making your life hell and then begging you back when he sees he is losing you. This cycle won’t stop, trust me. The best thing you can do for You and your kids is to remove yourselves from it.

You can try to file for temporary emergency support if you think your Dh will not help you at all. Also if you have documented any of this behaviour he would have a harder time trying to get custody of the kids. Honestly it doesn’t sound like your Dh would foster a good environment for the kids right now.

FYI, you can take the kids to ANY church you please while you are in charge of them and he can do nothing about it. My ex has our child every other weekend and while I wouldn’t like it, I couldnt stop him from going to Buddhist temple during that time. Your Dh is just being controlling by saying you cannot do this or that even if you leave. Best of luck, I will pray for you.
Ginger

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Legally, if the account has her name on it, she has access to the money in it.

It doesn’t sound like she can afford a lawyer anyways, except for free legal aid that is offered for low-income people (I had one). They are very slow and usually not very good/very young which is why they are free.

I stand by my advice, that if there are any bank accounts with her name on it, that she should withdrawal all the money immediately. Sure, she might be able to have some legal battle and get to it later, but that’s not going to buy her kids what they need TODAY.

If you (OP) need any help with anything, please let me know.

I know more than one friend who got locked out of ALL accounts because the husband froze all the bank accounts. I would make sure to get a lawyer right away, so the accounts cannot be frozen. It can take months to get that straightened out.

 

[joandarc2008]

I know more than one friend who got locked out of ALL accounts because the husband froze all the bank accounts. I would make sure to get a lawyer right away, so the accounts cannot be frozen. It can take months to get that straightened out.

This is excellent advice - get down to Catholic Charities - they will be able to start giving you a list of resources on where to go for help.

 

[OrateProNobis]

I have been thinking very heavily of separating from him and possible filing for a divorce, and then an annulment.

Why an annulment and not just a civil divorce? Do you want to marry another?

 

[Bill_7154]

I am trying to look ahead in my future. I want the best for my kids and he won’t allow it. I need to know that what I am planning to be able to get out of this relationship is not wrong. Please understand where I am coming from. I was barely 18 yrs old and found out I was pregnant my family were devout Baptist who felt like an unwed mother was the devil himself. I had no choice but to marry this man if I wanted any help at all in my life. The emotional abuse, screaming hollaring and threatening to leave started less that 2 months after we said I do. The cheating started shortly after that,. .

As I was reading this post I was wondering if you got pregnant before married, it seems you did. I was also thinking you got married young, which you did. This changes things from how I would reply otherwise. Given the circumstances he may not love you and may have never loved you, and vice versa (no judgements coming from me, I’m just blunt). To people my age (45) you would typically be seen as ‘a kid’ when you got married. I wonder how long you were dating before you got married? How old is your husband? I was thinking that maybe your husband was depressed and essentially couldn’t make changes if the depression was untreated. But given the circumstances it seems he could just simply be immature (and a jerk, etc).

I moved out of our (me and my wife’s) apartment for one month when she was 6 months pregnant because her behavior was very abusive and out of control. A person’s home is supposed to be a place where they can go to get away from the stresses in life, if one’s home is filled with stress this makes a person miserable IMO.

I don’t know about all of the rules re: the Catholic Religion, you would have to talk to a priest or person well versed in Church Doctrine to get that info.

Do you want to live your life this way for the next 50 years? How does your husband’s behavior effect your children? And if you and he are not happy together, and you are unhappy and depressed because of the way he acts… how is this impacting your children? Parents do not have to directly treat their children cruel to negatively impact them. The tension alone from spouses that do not love each other/get along well is enough to screw them up. And they will grow up learing about what relationships are supposed to be like by being in the same house as you and your husband… and are prone to get into the same type of relationship that you and your husband have, that’s just the way it is. No guarenteeing it will happen that way but it likely will. It did for me and I started reading psychology books at age 18 and got married at age 35 and still wound up ‘marrying my mother’.

Regardless of what you do, I suggest you talk to your hsuband about your children and how they are prioity #1. I hope he will agree with you. Then you work with him to keep the children from seeing or hearing conflict at a minimum. The more stable, loving adults they have in their lives that they spend quality time with the better. Grandparents are often great for this.

I think you should talk to a priest about your situation and about your concerns. At the end of the day you (and your children) are going to half to live with your decision. I personally see their well being to be paramount. I will tell you that I grew up in a very abusive household (not implying yours is) and that RUINED me. I don’t blame my parents (any longer) but do recognize that their behaviors impacted me and all of the negative stuff got ingrained in me. I still have symptoms of PTSD from my childhood and I’m 45! I didn’t have a girlfriend until I was in my early 30’s! (I was so fearful I would only have one night stands basically).

Those are some things to think over. I hope something in there is useful.

God Bless,
Bill

 

[joanofarc2008]

This is a very old thread. I would be very interested in knowing how the OP is doing.

 

[ilySHJ]

So you’re staying with him … why? Is it for a better car?

I was staying with mine until he finished adding on the laundry room. He was abusive.

You need to get out ASAP. Nothing is worth the damage this relationship is doing to you.

We can’t fix these people who are broken. But if you don’t remove your children from this situation, they will grow up to be broken as well.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Another thread coming back from the dead!



Revenge of the Zombie Threads!



Seriously, I would like to know what happened to the OP in the year or so since this thread went cold.

 

[DAML72]

I have not read all the responses, but because I read enough to see that you are getting advice such as ‘seek counseling’’, ‘try to see his side’, etc., I feel I must speak up. As a woman who has been involved for 20 years with an emotionally abusive man (we’ve been apart for 7, divorced for 4, but have children together, so I still have to deal with him on a daily basis), please take my advice and, whether you decide to leave now or not, at least start emotionally distancing yourself from him. I would be willing to bet my left arm that you are already someone who has tried to see everything from his side and has made him so many accommodations that you are now at the end of your rope.

As far as seeking counseling - I would not recommend it. In my case, my husband was the one who left and filed for divorce (he has a married woman who has been/is providing his sexual and emotional needs, so he can focus on his career and only be a father a few nights a week - good deal for him), When we went to counseling, he had already decided he was done. Marriage counseling became just another form of abuse for me. However, if you feel you won’t be able to move on without having confirmation that there is nothing else you can do, then maybe it is a good idea. I think what I would recommend more is individual counseling for you.

I am so sorry you are going through this. My heart goes out to you. You have a long, hard road ahead of you but, seek comfort in the arms of Jesus. As him to clothe you in the love that has been missing from your marriage, and he will be there for you. And talk to your priest. Really, don’'t be afraid.