Pls help me understand WHY i think I can fix ppl on infidelity board

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peaceful_grace

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Hello…

I’m happily married 2nd time f.both 1st marriages were able to be annulled…on my side there was mult affairs fr him plus abuse but since I left 14 yrs ago with my son who was 1yr, I’m WELL over it!😃 Took me 12 years to meet my husband and well worth it…this marriage is blessed (ex did not go to church) we hold Christ at the center of our marriage and all else stems from that.

Prior to meeting him, I had a calling from God to go into nursing, so I was able to quit myjob in travel and now am starting my 4th semester of a 2 year program. I completely feel that I’m on his path (I know this when decisions are surrounded by “peace” when prayed upon)Doing well in school I’m holding a B in my nursing classes and A’s in therco-reqs

I found, be it with pts or what have you, to becoming more aware of how prevelent affairs are so on a quest to learn more about what makes these kinds of ppl tick and why, I found myself on a forum that has a subdiv OW/OM (other woman/man) I have to say I was shocked and horribly saddended. I guess b/c I finally got “it” right now with my marriage, and understand that in many ways “we” complicate our lives by not following God’s plan etc…I “get it” I want others to get it too!

So I started posting trying to “help” people see the errors of their ways and well, “duh”! the maj of them don’t want to see it!:rolleyes: Go figure. I had a few replies that my info was really helpful, however I found I had to refrain a bit from “strong” teaching of God b/c they don’t want to hear sermons or preaching, so I tried to reach them in a diff way, not judging…certainly not condoning…telling them it’s very much a self respect and “lost” issue… there is a better way down the road but things answered aren’t always what we think. I also made a strong point to say happiness/peace is from within you don’t nec “need” someone…if God want that in your life you will be blessed with it, if not you will “still” be happy b/c you are fulfilling your plan…that’s point I was at before I met my husband, I was fulfilling his plan for my life and still am filled with peace for the most part. (if it was complete I wouldn’t need to be here asking this!😉 )

So my q is why do I think I can truly help these ppl and how do I break free? I find more and more, I’m just getting irritated. I’ve talked to my DH about this and he tellls me that I may be reaching the “lurkers” and that God is working thru me to reach ppl (which is what I wanted to believe) but like I said now I’m finding it aggriv b/c I just can’t believe how blaise pple can be and how ignorant and then they wonder why they’re not happy, or the few that have broken up homes (but of course the home was broken before he met her :rolleyes: ) that are “happy”…some would even say they do feel “some” guilt and are unhappy some times but for the most part they’re “happy”. I would query them how they can be happy and unhappy and not feel a conflict…basically trying to get them to admit you can’t be both.

Anyway WHY is this so prevelent in society even more so? I find myself now in church hoping and still seeing the “good” in people but there and out and about I’m “wondering” how much is really around me and it’s starting to taint my perception on the good in people.

It’s like I expect to log in 1 dy and see that there’s been an epiphany and they’ve all found Christ! I know that won’t happen but there’s 2 smug ones in part that I’m just waiting for that shoe to drop…they claim to be happy, both are just living with these guys for under a year both are still “going” through the divorce process with them (supporting it) and I’m waiting to see the “oh no, he went back to the wife…or left me too” because I sometimes see people who cheat as ultim a character defect(a man of strong moral char just would not so I’m not so sure the wives in these cases would be better off w/them)…I never have to worry about that with mine, just b/c of who he is and what he stands for…I just “know” I can see the night and day diff between him and exH and also oth guys that I met that were of sim makeup as my exH God gave me the “eyes” to see through those facades. I was trying to get oth to see it

Sorry this is long…but I just nd (name removed by moderator)ut…what do you guys think of those sites?..I learned that it really doesn’t enable them, if anything the “majority” are miserable in the situation and are looking for a way out but don’t feel that they are strong enough…but nevertheless they don’t listen!!! So it’s in essence becoming a waste of my time. It was described once that it’s a private hell for them and a “safe” place for them to come .but I thought I could help rather than the blind leading the blind…but I’m not so sure…and like I said it’s not a healthy “peaceful” feeling I’m having. I do pray for them, I try to see Christ in them

Okay I start my new semester of 10 weeks tomm and I really can’t afford to feel the need to keep checking on these people so I need you people to knock some common sense into me to get me to see no matter what I do, it’s not going to make a difference on a site like that. Pls help me to not care what’s going on over there!

TIA
 
Delete your account, remove the site from your links/browser, and don’t go back.

This is pulling you away from family time, your studies, and is distressing you. These are secular boards, and the people go there to be supported in their choices not to be convicted they are doing wrong.

These are not your friends, they are not your family, and you have created a false sense of friendship with them by reading their personal problems-- you are now wanting to “help” them. But, they are not asking for help.
 
I agree with 1ke, peaceful_grace. Be an example of a happy, Godly marriage through your daily life, and you will help people and never know it.

I totally understand wanting to share what you’ve learned. I was in a marriage with a man who had a longstanding emotional attachment to another woman that eventually became physical. I’ve been through a lot of couseling and growth and wish I could “download” the things I’ve learned into other cheating spouses’ brains. But people have to learn for themselves the hard way, it seems. Didn’t I, didn’t my ex? Yep.

A couple of us from CAF started a board on another site (link in my sig) to support those with wandering spouses. I always hope it is a helpful, healing place without a lot of preaching or finger pointing. I can’t beat a wayward spouse over the head and “make” them recommit to their marriage. But I can listen and be there for the hurt spouse…let them vent so they can go back refreshed to fight another day. That might save a marriage. If it saves ONE, that would be such a blessing.

God bless you, your heart’s in the right place, but put your energies into positive things for a while.
 
p.s…another thought. You can still help these folks without having to be drawn into their negativity. You don’t even have to keep your membership on that site…JUST PRAY THAT THEY FIND GOD. It’s the best help any of us can give anyone.
 
Thank you 1Ke for taking the time to respond and getting through all I wrote!

You’re correct, that would probably be the simple solution, but see there are actually many people who are wanting help. Very true not the ones that really get to me, they don’t want help just affirmation …but I was trying to help the “lost” ones and at times I was reaching them, but perhaps what I’m not seeing is it’s disingeneous if I can’t completely speak God’s word and I have to water it down…or hint at it.

At times I even got responses that humbled me to say that I was caring and compassionate. There are also people on there that are reformed from affairs and speak from that perspective of how not to get involved…it’s selfish, hurts all involved, so see I thought I was helping too with a more God centered approach, but not beating them over the head with it.

Anyway I guess I’m feeling torn that if I stop going there that I’m letting God down by not trying to help more people. People on this site obviously…that’s preaching to the choir, I was sort of taught that you need to break out of the comfortable 4 walls to really reach the people who need it. (people who do reform work in prisons and such) Even if there are the lost ones, there are the ones that are trying to get them to see “their” circumstance worked.

There’s also quite a few with a strong biblical stance, but I guess not completely effective either. So you are saying that there’s no way to reach people from a Christian standpoint on a secular site…ever? I’m just naturally a curious person, I like to know the why’s and research and things…not trying to annoy.

Anyway thank you again. My family and I have made a plan when I get home from school now we’re going to go to the park with the dog and enjoy God’s artwork so I can decompress (school is rather stressful)

I have been involved in life in the spirit seminars and DH is still going this time, (school sched doesn’t mesh) I miss that…I felt very grounded when I did that…very close to God and I feel like I’ve lost a part of that…
 
Wow…thank you all for your heartfelt responses.

I’m hearng the overwhelming majority “leave, don’t look back!”

You are all right…I wish I could help, They’re making their lives so much more unhappy and drama filled than it needs to be.

I guess b/c I had been cheated on too (as my DH exW cheated on him) I was the “gal for the job” to help…but it’s just too sad of a place, and was starting to truly affect me. My husband has been of awesome support, but he thinks if I just step back here and there…not get so involved, but I told him b/c I care SO much it’s hard to step away and not see what happens next. That’s why I needed guidance on the right thing here…sounds so simple not sure why I just couldn’t do it.

Thank you all for helping me regain my footing on the path. You’ve helped more than you know.

I say as part of my prayers for the Lord to keep us on his path, and along that path to meet others that we may be inspired by each other.

I really think that’s a huge part of what we’re called to do…help one another along the way.

Peace and God bless.
 
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