Polite answer to relatives who keep asking about boyfriends?

[camerong]

Is there some kind of lay religious order you could make that would involve a vow of abstinence? Or you could just make your own vow and quietly let it be made known to your family?

I’m thinking, for example, if you said you were going to become a nun, no one would ask you because they would really understand that you really, really aren’t going to start dating. If these are Catholics you’re talking about, having some religious vow might help them understand your motivation–if not, at least they might understand the status as precluding dating.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

Thanks everyone. Unfortunately I may be fighting a losing battle here. I feel like my work has been defined in their minds as “not important,” whereas my relationship status is what’s “important.”

At some point you have to shake the dust from your sandals. Make your best efforts, give them the benefit of the doubt the first time or two, and if they refuse to respect your wishes not to talk about it, then you will have no choice but to accept that. If people can’t muster up interest in any part of your life, then are they really worth talking to? It’s sad when this is true about family, but you may just have to walk away from these conversations. Do try though. Keep in mind also, that not everyone is a good conversationalist, and maybe these folks don’t know how else to talk to you. Also, you are young, they are used to you being a child, not an adult, and you are probably also used to the dynamic in which the grown-ups ask you all about your life, and you answer their questions. As I said before, it may be that you have to create a new pattern, where you steer the conversation, and you ask them about their lives, and don’t worry about talking about yourself too much.

 

[DarkLight]

Is there some kind of lay religious order you could make that would involve a vow of abstinence? Or you could just make your own vow and quietly let it be made known to your family?

I’m thinking, for example, if you said you were going to become a nun, no one would ask you because they would really understand that you really, really aren’t going to start dating. If these are Catholics you’re talking about, having some religious vow might help them understand your motivation–if not, at least they might understand the status as precluding dating.

These are NOT catholic relatives. I am somewhat unsure if they have any provision for people remaining unmarried (unmarried men cannot be ordained), and I know they have a deep suspicion of non-traditional gender roles.

 

[cmscms]

Have you ever tried honesty

You: ‘Aunt B, I really would enjoy it if you asked about my career. I absolutely love my job and would really feel like an adult if I could talk more about it with you’?

If your family still does not respect you, I would do some serious thinking about how much time you want to spend with them. And if the answer genuinly is ‘I really want to spend time with them’, you will need to develop thick skin.

CM

 

[shainski]

Honestly, they see life through their own prism (don’t we all). They ask you about what they are interested in. At this point, it is not your career. They want something that will further their conversation - and when you put it bluntly, you deflate the balloon of what they might have for a conversation opener.

It would be almost as if I asked you what you thought of the big football game on Sunday. If you had no interest, you might say “I don’t care”. At that point, i might feel like it is pointless talking and go on to someone else who i can discuss it.

They want you to want what they get so much satisfaction out of. And they don’t understand an alternate path.

I would try to continue a conversation without deflating their enthusiasm. (At this point, it seems that being blunt with them isn’t working)

So with the holidays coming up, i would think about how you could steer the conversation.

Auntie:"So, is there anyone special in your life right now? (wink wink).
Youwith great enthusiasm) “At this point, I don’t know when I would find the time. At work, we’re busy trying to get a new product out - and that is taking me 60 hours a week. When i get home, I’m beat. But i am trying to keep in shape by joining a volley ball league - and my book club meets every month.”.

At this point, you’ve given her a few tidbits that will allow her to continue a conversation with you, and she may just follow up on it - or - if she thinks you are wasting your life, she may respond with:

Auntie:“You know, you won’t be young forever”.
You:“Thanks, that is great advice. It’s just not in the cards right now.”

But if you are interested, turn the conversation around to her.

“Why don’t you tell me about the adventures you had when you were my age? What kinds of things were you doing? How did you and uncle Jim meet? Did it take a long time to find the right person? How did you know?”

I know you are getting into territory that you are implying that you are interested in pursuing this area of discussion. But at least you are showing her that you are concerned with her life. Most people enjoy talking about their past - especially that part of their lives. And once you establish a conversation, you can gradually steer it into directions that you might want to go.

 

[DarkLight]

Honestly, they see life through their own prism (don’t we all). They ask you about what they are interested in. At this point, it is not your career. They want something that will further their conversation - and when you put it bluntly, you deflate the balloon of what they might have for a conversation opener.

It would be almost as if I asked you what you thought of the big football game on Sunday. If you had no interest, you might say “I don’t care”. At that point, i might feel like it is pointless talking and go on to someone else who i can discuss it.

Yeah I get this. At the same time, it’s frustrating being in a graduate program and working, and watching my other cousins getting asked about their studies and work (even though they’re ALSO single). So it’s not like they don’t talk about work stuff, they just don’t talk about work stuff with me.

 

[EasterJoy]

Yeah I get this. At the same time, it’s frustrating being in a graduate program and working, and watching my other cousins getting asked about their studies and work (even though they’re ALSO single). So it’s not like they don’t talk about work stuff, they just don’t talk about work stuff with me.

Because you’re female and your cousins are male? Give it up. You can’t teach a pig to sing. You just frustrate yourself and annoy the pig. Tell them you’ll have your mom call a press conference when you get a man who’s free to marry and likely to keep fogging a mirror for a few years. Until then, you should be officially be considered “in mourning” until further notice. (If they ask you about it after that, burst into tears, run sobbing from the room, and refuse to talk to anybody. Serves 'em right.)

 

[DarkLight]

Because you’re female and your cousins are male? Give it up. You can’t teach a pig to sing. You just frustrate yourself and annoy the pig. Tell them you’ll have your mom call a press conference when you get a man who’s free to marry and likely to keep fogging a mirror for a few years. Until then, you should be officially be considered “in mourning” until further notice. (If they ask you about it after that, burst into tears, run sobbing from the room, and refuse to talk to anybody. Serves 'em right.)

…I dress in neo-victorian gothic style. I definitely have to do this. You have it right though - it’s a male/female thing here.

 

[EasterJoy]

…I dress in neo-victorian gothic style. I definitely have to do this. You have it right though - it’s a male/female thing here.

If they think you’re unsuccessfully trying to get your hooks into a man, you may need the “run sobbing” thing to protect yourself from the barrage of “helpful” comments!

BTW, if you do find a guy, before you introduce him to the family be sure to warn him that you had employed the “mourning” tactic as a way of warding off inquiries in the past, so he’ll understand the utter relief expressed by all the relatives he is about to meet!

 

[Moore11]

I think this kind of thing is common in families. I get it the other way around. “when are you going to stop having kids?”

I’ll tell you, there is nothing you can say nor amount of times you can say it that they will understand or come around to. So stop trying. Ask yourself why this bothers you. Ask yourself what you need from the interaction and conversation to walk away happy. It better not be, “I accept you as a person, I understand you, and validate your lifestyle” Because you wont get it.

We all seek approval from others no matter how we act, dress, or live. You need to lower your expectations from these interactions. I find that humor is the best response. I call it the Rodney Dangerfield approach. You get no respect! You have been given some pretty clever responses here. I’d add telling them you are dating a man who is in prison. It’s ok: you met him on a “secure” website. And are madly in love with him. Visiting him all the time and writing him. Say he wont get out for 20 more years but he is working on a plan to get out sooner. When asked what he did just answer some vague thing, like “a traffic violation” It was all a misunderstanding and you know he is your soul mate.

The point is that the humor is not supposed to give them a believable story but rather point out that you are not stimulated by the conversation of your love life, or lack there of.

As for the cousins and their “jobs” and respect. I know that can be hard to witness and it is rude. Be mindful of the way they may view you., If you are dressing in Goth, not dating and such they may not understand you at all. That image and lifestyle probably does not fit with their view of a successful woman living her mission or vocation. But isn’t that part of the message anyway?

What you are doing is counter cultural. So dont be surprised when the “culture” doesn’t understand. I understand a little. I live a counter cultural lifestyle that is not taken seriously as a homeschooling stay at home dad.

While being counter cultural can be a good thing we cannot expect the culture to assuage us with a nice pat on the head. And sometimes those that hurt us most are those who should be our supportive family, are anything but.

I would also add that your position should be fluid. You should be open and in tune with God’s will for your life. Saying “I never want a family or kids” is either silly or incredibly in tune with God’s mission for you. But saying “I am quite confident that right now I am living a holy life” Is something everyone should be trying to say to anyone who asks what they are doing or who they are seeing.

BTW what is your job? What is your vocation?

 

[DarkLight]

Right now I’m working on my graduate philosophy degree, as well as teaching undergraduates. I’ve been at least contemplating a religious life…I’m still just in RCIA, and I’d want to finish my philosophy work in any case. Whatever my vocation is, I feel that’s part of it. That itself seems hard for them to understand; this isn’t a field you go into for the money or prestige. I’m not going to say it’s impossible for me to want family or kids, only that I grew up in an area where that was really pushed and have never felt the desire.

I should clarify about the goth bit - I typically wear my work clothes around them. For winter, this means black pants/long black skirt, black or jewel-toned top, and some old-fashioned jewelry (I’m especially fond of cameos). No tattoos, no piercings other than ears. Certainly nothing I couldn’t wear to any but the most formal offices.

Congrats on being a homeschool dad, btw. I’ve often thought that’s where our culture first went wrong - not with women leaving the home, but with men forgetting there’s more to fatherhood than their incomes.

I think…I’d like some place I fit in, you know? Maybe not my family, but…I go to church and I have similar issues there. I go to work and I am the only woman around. I don’t sacrifice being a woman, but I often don’t fit into people’s classic models of femininity.

 

[EasterJoy]

…I dress in neo-victorian gothic style. I definitely have to do this. You have it right though - it’s a male/female thing here.

“If I wanted a guy who would run around on me, only to divorce me for someone younger after we have three kids to raise, so I’ll have someone to chase down for alimony and child support payments until the right guy came along to marry, I could be married ten times over by now. I’m keeping an eye out, but I figure it’s better to skip that marriage and go right to the marriage that’s going to last, even if I have to marry a little later in life to get it. You know what they say: You can divorce a rotten spouse, but an ex is forever. In the meantime, well, I’ve got to be patient and plan on supporting myself, so I’m thankful I have work that I enjoy and I’m good at. I’m very lucky, that way. When someone comes along, though, sure, I might marry.”

That’s another answer that is very hard to argue with.

 

[LilyM]

Yeah I get this. At the same time, it’s frustrating being in a graduate program and working, and watching my other cousins getting asked about their studies and work (even though they’re ALSO single). So it’s not like they don’t talk about work stuff, they just don’t talk about work stuff with me.

They probably simply don’t understand enough about the type of study and work you do for it to be relatable for them.

Being my arty/historical/slightly philosophical/lawyery self, I’d imagine if I were to be at a party with, say, a professional fisherman I wouldn’t have the foggiest clue about what to ask them about their work - it’s just too different from mine. Likewise someone who was studying, say, advanced mathematics, a subject which I’ve never been especially good at and certainly never found interesting.

So I don’t know that I could converse much about such professions or studies beyond a ‘really? Oh, that’s nice’. Perhaps your family are the same - not that they’re looking down on you at all, just that they can’t relate. Of course you might have male relatives doing the same studies/job, in which case my theory is blown right out of the water.

 

[Oh_Charlotte]

I would not try to explain to them. They obviously don’t get you, and do you want to make this a topic of discussion? Its your private business, and you can share your reasons for your life choices when you feel like it, and with only those who you think will understand you.

You can say, “Oh, you are still asking that question! Aunt Betty, I will be sure you are the first to know if I have any news on that front!”. And then immediately follow with a question to her, "And how are* you*, Aunt Betty? How is your __going? Any progress yet??? "

My mother’s questioning style of conversation always drove me crazy. Answering the Q’s brought more questions and never understanding of me. It took years (and her dementia) for me to learn to handle it - a brief answer and an immediate question (or two or three) about her and what she is doing! It works!

Really, some people just ask questions as a manner of conversation, and they start with what they think is most newsworthy about you, in your case, an impending possible man. Just make it the most boring question to ask, a sure way to receive a barrage of back-at-you questions. Then that question topic will soon get old. Your current discomfort likely gives the message there is something there to dig for, so, best to go for diversion tactics. (Which is a kinder tact than stating the real truth: “Its none of your business.”)