Politics and family... advice?

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Em_in_FL

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So election year always brings out the best in everyone… :rolleyes:
This may be long, so I apologize in advance…

Anyway… I always knew that my sister and her husband don’t totally follow all the teachings of the church (contraception, pro-choice “for others, not them”, etc)… and maybe this is God’s way of bringing it to light because no one in the family has ever been brave enough to really confront them on the subject (family ties make it difficult).

So as the story goes… it was all started by my oldest son. Last week after school (he goes to my parents after school), my sister was visiting. They were outside riding his bike and he saw a McCain sign in someone’s garage and commented that he was sad that Obama won. My sister claims he used the words “bad black man” (racism just simply doesn’t exist in our family, so I question the accuracy of him actually saying that unless it was truly used as a basic adjective or a stuttered word - he does stutter). My son went on to say “he kills little babies” and she corrected him and went on discussing how Obama isn’t that bad and he really is a good man, etc, etc… or so the story goes… I wasn’t there.

I was upset that she crossed boundaries by instructing him on the positive aspects of Obama… and wrote her an email (rather than called so I could collect my thoughts)… and simply said that I didn’t want her crossing those boundaries (as his parents, that’s OUR job to share those thoughts), and that as his Godmother I expected her to at least keep her conversations with him in line with the basic philosophies of the Church.

So it’s exploded… emails back and forth… our husbands got involved sending 2 page lectures back and forth… sharing our disagreements, etc…

UGH, I’m so sad. 😦
On one level, I know these things had to be said… but on another, it’s just hard to go through. Today is her birthday, I don’t know if she’s even wanting to talk to me.

She works with babies in the NICU as a nurse… fantastic at what she does. She sees 14 year old girls who were raped by their stepfather and “forced” to have the baby. She isn’t strong in her faith and doesn’t have the basic fundamental strength to simply stand up for what’s right. She says “what do I say to those people I work with every day?”

I need some loving responses.
I’m better at this when it’s not my own family. I know the truth, but I also know that harsh responses will only harden her heart and close her ears… I am not about to throw stones… I want to instruct her with love.
Any ideas? Sympathy? Words of wisdom?
I have 2 wonderful sisters and they’re my best friends. :o
 
One of the things that I’ve found helpful before starting an e-mail or discussion that I know will be provocative is to remind myself to “speak the truth in love.” I’ve also learned to make my e-mails as non-inflammatory as possible. That is, even if I feel like being sarcastic or accusatory, I try to write as I think the saints would write: calm, confident, loving. It forces the discussion to be about the issues and not the writer’s or recipient’s character.

It sounds like your sister and her husband are “personally against” abortion but feel uncomfortable “forcing” this belief on others. You might ask them why they are against abortion. Is it just because they’re squeamish with the idea or is it because they believe it would be taking a life? If it’s the latter, then they believe that abortion involves the killing of a child, and it’s inconsistent for them to believe that this is sometimes acceptable, depending on whose womb the child is growing in.

I think when a pro-choice person brings up rape, it is important to show sympathy for the woman/child who was raped. Really, what a terrible thing to experience! And having never gone through anything like that myself, I can’t even begin to imagine the anger, guilt, fear, or sadness I might feel. But if a child is conceived out of that act of violence, then there are now two victims that we have to consider: the woman and her child. Just as it would be unloving for us to encourage an overwhelmed, poor mother of four to suffocate her two-year-old, it would be unloving for us to advise a rape victim to abort her unborn child.

At the very least, if you cannot make headway on this particular issues, I would continue to pray for your sister and for your relationship with her. Pray that you will be loving towards her and a good example of Christian charity. Pray that she doesn’t use her position as a health care professional to influence vulnerable women to consider abortion. Then acknowledge your disagreement and request that, as your child’s godmother, she endeavor not to contradict what the Church teaches about life issues in front of your kid.

If it’s her birthday, treat it as you would any other birthday. Flowers, cards, cake, whatever. God’s love and grace isn’t measured out to us by what we deserve, and neither should we withhold affection because of an argument.

I hope this helps. Keep us posted.

p.s. I love your children’s names.
 
No words of advice, just common sympathy 😛

I recently had a huge email argument with a neighbour of ours over Obama vs McCain, him calling McCain/Palin pure ‘evil’, and me questioning how you could get more evil than killing babies.

With family, it is more difficult, and it doesn’t always have a happy ending:
The brother also shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the son: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and shall put them to death.
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See if you can agree to disagree on the issue, but agree on her not ‘instructing’ your children again. You are right that repeating the truth to someone who is not listening will just make their heart even harder.

I’m pretty sure it is Christian to be prudent about when to continue preaching, and when to drop it, especially if it just continues as an argument for argument’s sake.

You can try offering up a little suffering for her soul, and remembering her specifically during prayer.

God Bless,
 
Em, we are in practically the same situation. I had a similarly titled thread a few weeks back, and things haven’t gotten better.

My family members have overstepped boundaries like cray, including my dad telling my 11 yr old DD, “you’re mom is wrong about the whole abortion thing, it’s a total non issue. Abortion doesn’t matter.” Not to mention my sister and brother talking about me to my DD behind my back and laughing about my political assertions, and cornering her, an 11 yr old, about her position on abortion, the deriding her for it.

Needless to say, it’s not been pretty. I’ve also sent emails a plenty to them, simply asking them to not overstep their bounds in their relationship with my kids, and now I’m the evil one in their eyes; controlling, hateful, and on a moral high horse.

I really don’t have any advice, since I don’t know what to do myself, especially considering the Holidays are coming, but I KNOW I have to stand firm about this. The world is already hard enough to be in for our kids these days, I don’t need further sabotage coming from within the family, nor do you.

Your kids are fairly young yet, and if you don’t set limits now, imagine when they are older what can happen. I obviously didn’t do an adequate job of setting boundaries when my DD was younger, because look at what my own siblings and father do when my back is turned. Pathetic. And what’s more pathetic is that they can’t be trusted with my children.

You don’t have to justify your position at all. You just have to set boundaries, and guard them. If they can’t respect the fact that these are YOUR children, and you have a right and responsibility to raise them as you see best, then that is their problem. I’m sure you don’t overstep your bounds with their family, so do you not deserve the same in return?

Jesus said he would not bring peace, and that families would be torn against each other over Him. I guess this is what he meant.
She works with babies in the NICU as a nurse… fantastic at what she does. She sees 14 year old girls who were raped by their stepfather and “forced” to have the baby.
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I just wanted to address this because I’ve been a NICU nurse myself, and I really am bothered when people use their position to bolster an argument like this.

Statistically what she describes is very rare, so for her to say she ‘sees’ this, as in it’s something she deals with regularly or even more than once, is an exaggeration. Secondly, as a NICU nurse, she would likely not even be privy to such information, unless the mother herself told her directly, which is possible but not that likely.
 
See if you can agree to disagree on the issue, but agree on her not ‘instructing’ your children again.
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This is excellent advice:thumbsup:

I wish Em more luck than I’ve had with this approach though…😦
 
Thank you all… just keep our situation in your prayers (shannyk - it’ll be mutual!) 🙂

I’m meeting her for lunch now with my parents… for her birthday…
🙂
 
The National Catholic Register had a great article - and this is soemthing that can be stressed to children, teens, all of us -

ncregister.com/daily/our_president1

Our President

Wednesday, November 05, 2008 6:25 AM

Whether the election turned out the way we wanted or not, one thing is clear: Barack Obama will be the president of the United States of America. Our president.

We at the Register were very focused on the life issue, and will remain so. But we always knew John McCain was no pro-life hero (he supports using taxpayer money to fund fatal experiments on embryos) and though we disagree on much, we always liked Obama.
He is a civil, decent man. His historic election is exciting in that it hails, we hope, the end of an era when race was factored into decisions it had nothing to do with.

**1. Be not afraid. **In America, there’s no reason to fear the president. We still live, by the grace of God, in a democracy. We still can convince people of the truth and provide opportunities for them to vote the truth into law. Under Bush, many Americans turned their opposition to the president into exaggerated fears and premature anger. We needn’t do that. Oppose what he proposes that must be opposed, but don’t believe the voices that say “America has changed forever.” Mr. President: We will be here applauding all that you do that is good, and reminding people just how heinous it is to kill America’s future in the womb, if you dare attack the voiceless, defenseless unborn.
**2. Respect. **In America, we respect and teach our children to respect the president. Many children were taught to dislike President Bush and belittle him. They got that from their parents’ poor example. That undermines civic responsibility and social cohesion. Barack Obama is an impressive man who will be celebrated by many people who in their hearts are pro-life but who haven’t translated their pro-life principles into their voting decisions. We needn’t ostracize ourselves; we can respect the man and honor his exciting achievement, and keep lines of communication open with our neighbors about the right to life.
**3. Reach out. **In America, people aren’t swayed by intellectual argument but by stories. Painful stories of difficult circumstances make people pro-abortion; hopeful stories of children who were spared make people pro-life. Sad stories of homosexual couples make people favor same-sex marriage; stories of the despair homosexuals feel disproportionately and the abuse faced by so many children in their circles reminds people that this is a disorder in the human soul. Tell your stories. Subscribe to the Register to hear more stories you can pass on.
Find out more in the next issue, but we intend to begin a campaign of compassionate truth in the paper to build on the majorities that even now are on the side of life and morality.
Today isn’t the end of an era. It’s a bump on a road. And it’s more than that. It’s a day to say to Obama and his supporters: Congratulations. You have done something great. Let’s work together in support of the founding principles of America — all of them.
—
 
I make it a policy to learn to discuss things other than religion and politics with family. I make it a point to teach my children to not parttle as well. If the subject doesn’t change after “How 'but them Bears?” or"Been to that new place?" then it’s “Well, I have to be going.”

Your sister crossed the line. That’s what’s bugging you, not her politics (Well, those would bother me too, but not to that point). That’s the point you have to make, that she didn’t come to you first, but took it upon herself,and next time, you’d like her to do that.
 
Thanks for posting that Kage, that was awesome, and in my heart VERY CATHOLIC (as I hold the Church in my heart) in it’s sincerity, tolerance, and acceptance.

Back to the OP, I hope you guys get through this soon!
 
OutinChgoburbs said:
I make it a policy to learn to discuss things other than religion and politics with family. I make it a point to teach my children to not parttle as well. If the subject doesn’t change after “How 'but them Bears?” or"Been to that new place?" then it’s “Well, I have to be going.”
Click to expand...
Your sister crossed the line. That’s what’s bugging you, not her politics (Well, those would bother me too, but not to that point). That’s the point you have to make, that she didn’t come to you first, but took it upon herself,and next time, you’d like her to do that.

ok so then Chicago I need your advice…thread hijack here sorry…

HOW do I get it through to my family that I do NOT want to discuss politics ANYMORE. I have not ONCE in my life, well at least since high school, ever EVER brought up the topic of politics because I know we don’t really share much in common in that area, I know they aren’t going to change their views because of anything I say, and vice versa, so why discuss it?

What do I do? Seriously, I’m at a loss, other than being incommunicado with them, at how to deal with it.

They are beating me like a dead horse with the political stuff, and I just want them to understand that it’s not OK for them to say things to my kids that they KNOW are contradictory to how i am raising them. They don’t hear that because all they are thinking about is changing my mind politically.

Help!

End hijack…:o
 
Advice for the future: face to face conversations.

I am all for composing one’s thoughts on paper, but avoid email exchanges like the kind you exchanged with your sister. It’s easy to misread tone in written correspondance, and with email it’s particularly tempting to hit “send” while emotions are high. You can’t “take it back” once it’s sent. Telephone conversation on heated issues you can hear the tone, but you miss still the facial cues that tell you when you’re pushing to far or that you need to explain what you mean more clearly.

Hope your lunch with your sister goes well.
 
gardens… you make a very good and valid point… I think that’s what I should have done. I was trying to gather my words eloquently… but you’re right… tone makes a difference. Maybe simply writing my words first and then calling would have helped.

thanks for the suggestion.
 
Aw, EM I’m sorry.😦 My sister voted Obama, which came as a shock to me, because she said she was voting for McCain, up until like a few days before the election. She and I got into it a bit…not arguing per se, but it was hedging there. We changed the topic, and ironically, she hasn’t called me since then. (it’s been over a week) And we talk weekly. I sent her an email last week, and that seemed to break the ice. I didn’t realize a glacier was forming. I decided to keep my thoughts to myself. She voted for him–it’s done. But, how hard it must be to have small children, who are being told a different message by family members. I don’t blame you for being angry.

I will say this though…remember, Jesus said that brother will be divided against brother, mother against daughter…father against son…I really think that we’re going to be seeing much more of that, (and Jesus could never be wrong in His warnings to us) as the country becomes more and more divided on moral issues like this.😦

Hugs and prayers going out to you!
 
Thanks everyone…
Lunch was peaceful, so that’s good. Mom and Dad were there too, so I think that helped. She seemed a little colder than normal, but I guess that was expected.

Hugs and kisses and “I love you”'s never end… so that’s what’s important. I simply couldn’t handle being broken from my sister.

I said what needed to be said… and maybe next time I’ll do it on the phone… but maybe this was God’s way of starting a conversation… or at least prying open the door for conversion in their lives. Hopefully.

I guess prayer is most important now.:o
 
Em_in_FL said:
So election year always brings out the best in everyone… :rolleyes:
This may be long, so I apologize in advance…

Anyway… I always knew that my sister and her husband don’t totally follow all the teachings of the church (contraception, pro-choice “for others, not them”, etc)… and maybe this is God’s way of bringing it to light because no one in the family has ever been brave enough to really confront them on the subject (family ties make it difficult).

So as the story goes… it was all started by my oldest son. Last week after school (he goes to my parents after school), my sister was visiting. They were outside riding his bike and he saw a McCain sign in someone’s garage and commented that he was sad that Obama won. My sister claims he used the words “bad black man” (racism just simply doesn’t exist in our family, so I question the accuracy of him actually saying that unless it was truly used as a basic adjective or a stuttered word - he does stutter). My son went on to say “he kills little babies” and she corrected him and went on discussing how Obama isn’t that bad and he really is a good man, etc, etc… or so the story goes… I wasn’t there.

I was upset that she crossed boundaries by instructing him on the positive aspects of Obama… and wrote her an email (rather than called so I could collect my thoughts)… and simply said that I didn’t want her crossing those boundaries (as his parents, that’s OUR job to share those thoughts), and that as his Godmother I expected her to at least keep her conversations with him in line with the basic philosophies of the Church.

So it’s exploded… emails back and forth… our husbands got involved sending 2 page lectures back and forth… sharing our disagreements, etc…

UGH, I’m so sad. 😦
On one level, I know these things had to be said… but on another, it’s just hard to go through. Today is her birthday, I don’t know if she’s even wanting to talk to me.

She works with babies in the NICU as a nurse… fantastic at what she does. She sees 14 year old girls who were raped by their stepfather and “forced” to have the baby. She isn’t strong in her faith and doesn’t have the basic fundamental strength to simply stand up for what’s right. She says “what do I say to those people I work with every day?”

I need some loving responses.
I’m better at this when it’s not my own family. I know the truth, but I also know that harsh responses will only harden her heart and close her ears… I am not about to throw stones… I want to instruct her with love.
Any ideas? Sympathy? Words of wisdom?
I have 2 wonderful sisters and they’re my best friends. :o
Click to expand...
Well I would just say… especially since the election is over, let it go.

The fact is the Obama is now our President. From all statistical and historical markers he should bring a lot of good to our nation that is so beat down right now.

According to the Catholic Alliance group his policies may even save 200,000 unborn children next year (if we don’t pass FOCA but possibly even if we do).

McCain, while better on the Life scale truly didn’t meet the guildlines in the Voter guide either. Many people don’t realize that…

Also realize that abortions were up for the early 20 something group as of 2006 after drastic declines during the last “pro-choice” President.

So in fact, Bush’s policies killed more babies than Clinton’s and thus we don’t know for sure what effects our new President’s policies will have on the abortion issue.

The one thing we can do, whether we supported him or not is to send a clear message regarding FOCA. I believe he is a smart man and many of his goals will require 8 years to implement. If enough people send a clear message that we don’t want abortion access expanded, the new administration just might listen.

fightfoca.com/

Sincerely,
Joe
 
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