Poor Mom/Birthday Bust

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JLCecilia

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I was so excited my folks called to say that they were coming out for the afternoon for my mom’s bday on Friday. I happened to be off that afternoon, so I had the kids make gramma hand-made cards and we put up all the bday decorations and DS wrote Happy Birthday on our front porch in sidewalk chalk and made a sign for the front door. I know mom’s not a sugary-frosted-white-cake kinda gal, so I got a special recipe from a co-worker for a really yummy apple cake and the boys picked out a hyacinth plant for her as a gift.

Not so much as a smile or a thank you. I know that personally I HATE birthdays, but only b/c my DH doesn’t do anything special and it hurts, so I guess maybe for mom, blowing it up maybe wasn’t her cup of tea. Even given her ‘issues’ I still expect good manners - maybe unrealistically. Oh well. At the end of the day, what matters is that I taught my children to try and make someone feel special and at least THEY enjoyed the decorations and cake 🙂
 
Does your mom normally say thank you?

If she normally does, then this may just be a one-off.

If she normally is ungrateful and entitled, why knock yourself out?

In any case, I’m sure the kids had a good time.
 
JLCecilia said:
I was so excited my folks called to say that they were coming out for the afternoon for my mom’s bday on Friday. I happened to be off that afternoon, so I had the kids make gramma hand-made cards and we put up all the bday decorations and DS wrote Happy Birthday on our front porch in sidewalk chalk and made a sign for the front door. I know mom’s not a sugary-frosted-white-cake kinda gal, so I got a special recipe from a co-worker for a really yummy apple cake and the boys picked out a hyacinth plant for her as a gift.

Not so much as a smile or a thank you. I know that personally I HATE birthdays, but only b/c my DH doesn’t do anything special and it hurts, so I guess maybe for mom, blowing it up maybe wasn’t her cup of tea. Even given her ‘issues’ I still expect good manners - maybe unrealistically. Oh well. At the end of the day, what matters is that I taught my children to try and make someone feel special and at least THEY enjoyed the decorations and cake 🙂
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Unless I could get something financially from such a crass person or depended on her in some fashion, come next birthday, I wouldn’t so much as call her. And give her an icy cold response when she bitches about my lack of gratitude, lack of love for her the next day. Crass people can only keep being crass as long as they’re entitled to be crass. Simple as that. Going out of your way to please someone like that is very close to masochism.
 
Part of me feels like it isn’t right to give her the cold shoulder just b/c she doesn’t ‘get it.’ She left me a vm on my phone thanking me. As I’ve probably mentioned before, I see myself over and over repeating the same bad behavior. The vm was her guilty conscience speaking for not behaving properly at the appropriate time and feeling remorse after the fact. Only, we never learn from this mistake - we keep repeating and then repenting afterwards (which means less and less w/ each offense). Thankfully forgiveness comes easily this time b/c I wasn’t too invested in her reaction. Fortunately this time dad was with her and somehow that cushioned the blow a bit. If it had been just her on her own, it might’ve grated a bit more. Hard to really complain b/c she brought me lovely hand-me-downs and dad gave cash as a parting gift. Not that material goods make up for bad behavior, but this is just how it is.

I say Poor Mom b/c she’s really missing out. I can’t fully understand what was weighing on her so much that she was just completely shut off to everything we did for her, but that’s really her loss.
 
JLCecilia said:

She left me a vm on my phone thanking me. As I’ve probably mentioned before, I see myself “over and over repeating the same bad behavior. The vm was her guilty conscience speaking for not behaving properly at the appropriate time and feeling remorse after the fact.”

She said thank you–why isn’t that good enough?

“I say Poor Mom b/c she’s really missing out. I can’t fully understand what was weighing on her so much that she was just completely shut off to everything we did for her, but that’s really her loss.”

For all you know, she’s got cancer and isn’t ready to talk about it yet. Or she’s getting the flu, or a million other different good reasons.

Aren’t you kind of hard on your mom? (Just remembering the cowboy costume thread.)
 
It kinda sounds like if you do things for your mom, you should do them without expecting anything in return, as Monicad said. Right now it seems as if you do things for your mother not out of pure, disinterested charity, but because you want a ‘reward’- an elaborate thank you, a smile, a compliment, gushings of gratitude. Your mother doesn’t seem like the kind of person who is going to respond to your efforts in the way that you wish. Maybe a cake, cards, decorations, etc. are something you would love for someone to do for your birthday, but perhaps your mother is embarrassed or uncomfortable with the fuss. I would ask her how she would like to celebrate her birthday next time. She might just want to spend one on one time with you at a restaurant, or a day of shopping.
If she is a person who finds pleasure in nothing, then either you need to stop bending over backwards to make her enjoy herself and then feeling a little resentful when she ignores it, or else do these things for her looking for a reward from God alone. 🙂
 
Trying to make someone’s day is reward-seeking? I guess, given her history, it was unrealistic to expect anything, but I honestly wasn’t sure which way she would go.

Honestly, the inspiration behind the birthday bash was just to celebrate. I was just glad to have my folks come for a visit. If not for them, the kids and I might not even leave the house! Plus, the kids really enjoy playing w/ their nana and I can sit and lend an ear to my dad 🙂

I could easily roll out the red carpet for EVERY one of my parents’ visits.
 
I think I understand you, JLCecilia.
Trying to shower someone with love, when they act as if no love is being shown, or as if they are completely unaware of just how much you want to please them and make them happy, can be quite heartbreaking.
I have dealt with a similar problem with both my parents. Whatever warmth, affection, love, gifts I give them is as if I did nothing at all. I get no warm response or acknowledgement of my efforts, and in fact, often get put down or belittled or shamed instead.
I am so glad you are still able to have a relationship with your parents, despite the heartache. I am unable to have much contact with either of my parents (they are divorced) because their behavior destroyed my emotional stability and was wrecking my sanity.
I have read your other threads on your relationship with your mom, and I think you are trying your hardest to be a good daughter, but some relationships are just never quite healthy or fulfilling, as much as we might try. I know, based on your previous postings, that after you express your disappointment, you are able to focus upon the positives again. I think that is good of you to do that. God bless you!
 
I haven’t read your other threads so it is perhaps that your mother is a nasty, ungrateful person generally, but I have to say that I am one of those people who absolutely hates being made a fuss of on my birthday. Leading up to my 21st I was so filled with anxiety and genuinely frightened. When I told my mother I didn’t want a 21st birthday party, she had been unaware that I felt that way and we decided that we would just go to the local Chinese as a family. I loved that and felt so relieved.

My last big birthday was my 50th and as usual I spent the prior 2 years telling everyone that I didn’t want to celebrate it. I know that most normal people love being the centre of attention on their birthday… but it is like hell to me. People need to respect other peoples wishes when it involves these horrible experiences. It’s not good enough to think well this is what I’d like so I’m going to force it on others whether they like it or not. I had to be stern with my sister when she said she was going to travel the 500kms to visit me on my birthday and I knew that meant making a fuss. She seemed hurt so I told her that I would come visit her. That way I felt I had control since I don’t know anyone else in the town she lives in. In the end, my parents came too and we went to a local club which was nice, but I worried the whole time that they had organised some surprise cake or something that would draw attention to me. They didn’t and we had cake at her place afterwards. The morning after my 21st, 40th and 50th is the most wonderful feeling of a great weight being lifted.

Try asking your mother what she wants to do for her birthday to give her the chance to have some control perhaps.
 
JLCecilia said:
I say Poor Mom b/c she’s really missing out. I can’t fully understand what was weighing on her so much that she was just completely shut off to everything we did for her, but that’s really her loss.
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I have read some of your other posts that were about your mom. You taught your children by example.

At some point, you need to stop expecting her to behave the way you want her to and instead accept the way she is.

You are correct when you say that you can’t fully understand what is/was weighing on her.

So maybe it is time to stop trying to understand and just accept her for who she is and how she is. Just because she doesn’t love you/ show love for you the way you want or need doesn’t mean she isn’t loving you ( and your family) the best way she can.

I would hate for you to spend your life trying to change her instead of one day when she is no longer here, for you to finally see what was truly important.

Teach your children this lesson too- sometimes, people aren’t what we wish they were, but we should still be respectful and loving even if they aren’t able to be in return.
 
I have a friend who is a senior and her mom is almost 90. For decades I’ve told her to cool it trying to get the right gift for Mom etc. Her Mom is impossible to please, degrades every gift on every occassion. Her kids, now middle aged, just go through the routine.

Get your Mom a gift and a card and expect NOTHING in return. Do it so your children see that you are doing the right thing. DO NOT knock yourself out because if will never matter. DO NOT get the guilts if you forget. Just vm a happy bday, Christmas or whatever. DO buy or make something that does not have to be returned. That plant was perfect.

I have a relative who was unappreciative of gifts so I stopped with the expensive ones and said to myself, “Okay, more for me.” And used the time I used for her to buy myself something with the money. Felt much better. 😃
 
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