Pope Francis: better for families to be tired, struggling than isolated, seeking luxury [CWN]
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Tablefor9
Guest
I’m thankful the Holy Father spoke to this trend. So many times families that “stretch” parents are looked down upon, even by other Christians. 
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Xantippe
Guest
And yet, a lot of families are tired, struggling AND isolated.
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edwest2
Guest
I grew up in a time where families had in-laws, relatives and good neighbors. No, it was not perfect but it was exactly the model the Holy Father speaks of. No, not all of our neighbors were good models, but I thank God for the many good, adult role-models I grew up with. They were our company, our friends and we looked out for each other. When a neighbor lady had to go to the dentist and needed someone to look after her daughter, my mother took her in for that few hours. Even though we did not all go to the same Church, we had communities with people that had shared values. When we were kids, one summer, my mom would walk with the rest of the kids to the local play field, next summer, a different mom, and so on.
If there were hard times, some could rely on parents or in-laws or other relatives to help in some way, even neighbors. My friend, who was poor, grew up in a house filled with love. Again, it was not perfect but it worked, for the most part. My parents shopped in local stores, in dime stores, in corner stores. And God was there, in our daily lives. It was a mixture of joyful births and weddings, and funerals. Neighbors going through an illness and some passing away. As a boy, I grew to understand the world in an informed but simple way. We didn’t lock our doors at night.
I have read so many things said by Pope Francis that are exactly the same as those things I heard from our pastor, our priests, our nuns/teachers and lay Catholic teachers. The same words. The same way of looking at life.
God bless Pope Francis,
Ed
If there were hard times, some could rely on parents or in-laws or other relatives to help in some way, even neighbors. My friend, who was poor, grew up in a house filled with love. Again, it was not perfect but it worked, for the most part. My parents shopped in local stores, in dime stores, in corner stores. And God was there, in our daily lives. It was a mixture of joyful births and weddings, and funerals. Neighbors going through an illness and some passing away. As a boy, I grew to understand the world in an informed but simple way. We didn’t lock our doors at night.
I have read so many things said by Pope Francis that are exactly the same as those things I heard from our pastor, our priests, our nuns/teachers and lay Catholic teachers. The same words. The same way of looking at life.
God bless Pope Francis,
Ed
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Xantippe
Guest
But can any individual household hope to replicate that by themselves? And isn’t part of the reason for the smaller (or no child) family that young couples cannot expect that level of support?
Even grandma help is often hard to come buy these days.
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Kelfa28
Guest
Really hard.
A) Most of the baby boomer’s are still working. All of the grandparents still work. They aren’t hanging around waiting to see the grandkids and vacation days are hard to come by.
B) I’m not an only child. My mom had my sister and I close together. Odds were good we’d get married at the same time and have kids at the same time.
So…my parents have 5 grandkids that range in age from 3 months to not quite 4 years old.
My sister needs just as much help as I do.
My husband’s parents have six grandkids. The oldest is 14 but then it goes age 6 down to 6 months.
Sorry, we don’t have grandparents who can devote their time to us.
We don’t have aunts and uncles…they’ve all seemed to move away.
Less and less millennials with children can afford houses…so, hubby and I are the absolute youngest in our neighborhood…by far.
Our neighbors aren’t exactly looking to watch three kiddos under the age of 4.
Church is about the only thing that is helpful. Unfortunately…no one lives that close to us.
I am tired, struggling and isolated. You do the best you can with what you have and what you are capable of.
I don’t think there is an either/or scenario. A lot of us are caught in the middle.
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Xantippe
Guest
I totally hear you on both your A) and B). Both of our kids’ sets of grandparents are working hard and are far away. My mom is in her mid-60s and MIL is early/mid 60s. I expect the grandmas to go directly from “too busy to visit and help” to “too frail to visit and help,” without their ever having spent two whole weeks in the same zip code as my kids.
And it’s not entirely working for nothing (although I do have my suspicions about one workaholic grandpa)–they genuinely do need to work hard on their retirement savings while they are physically and mentally able to.
With regard to B), my parents have seven grandchildren split between their three adult children’s families, so whatever they have to offer after a very busy work schedule is split between those three households (which are widely scattered geographically). Likewise, my in-laws have a disabled adult child, so no matter what they would like to do with and for our children, they haven’t been able to both leave their town very often.
There’s another related issue, which is the question of what your cohort is doing. If you have children substantially before or substantially after your friends do, you may find yourself without any friends or with nothing in common with your old friends. I had my first two kids with very little in the way of peer group, so I didn’t initially notice what a big difference it makes, but by the time I had my third, I was able to be pregnant right along with two good local friends. It was so much fun to all have our babies together!
So, what if a young couple wants to have children, but all of their friends are busy vacationing and buying villas? If they have a baby, they may find themselves suddenly isolated from their peer group.
This is a complex social issue involving a lot of players, rather than a purely individual one.
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Xantippe
Guest
Additionally, a woman who has a job and coworkers she likes may be much less isolated than a mother at home with small children and no support.
Again, the isolation is not all in the “DINK” column.
Again, the isolation is not all in the “DINK” column.
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jlc2k2
Guest
Don’t forget the sandwich generation issue! I’m an only child but my parents are 1.5 hours away with my 90+ year old grandfather to care for and both having full time jobs. They help where they can but I try not to put more on them than I have to.
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edwest2
Guest
Hope is the key word and forming good relationships. I watched my friend’s kids on numerous occasions. I even loaned him money in hard times. I and the wife of another friend, shared baby watching duties one evening, her’s and her sister in-law’s baby, both around the same age. When she had to leave for a few minutes, I was watching two babies. Her husband was at work.
We knew that forming relationships with in-laws was very important before the ceremony. It was rare for a couple to go off on their own and elope. Getting married without telling each other’s parents. Bottom line: when you marry her, you marry into each other’s families. That’s how families and outside relationships are supposed to work. Aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. Your brother, her sister. Your best friend.
Hope this helps you and all reading,
Ed
Also - planning. There needs to be a plan A, B and C. Job loss, one of you gets sick, and so on.
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Xantippe
Guest
Again, this is not something to do ALONE, so we can’t blame a young couple for not creating that situation by themselves. They can’t do it without a number of other people who share the same values and want the same things and are capable of it.
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Tablefor9
Guest
I don’t look at it as blame, but healthy challenge to build relationships and community in our parishes and neighborhoods again. I can’t do it alone, but I can reach out and make friends…who reach out and make friends. If most of us do this, the tide will turn again.
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bitterhope
Guest
Couples have always done it alone in terms of not having family nearby. Generation after generation of many families have been far away from hometowns. These families find ways to make it work either on their own or by creating a network to help them out. The difference between those that successfully make family life enjoyable and those that don’t isn’t about having live in care or household help or grandparents or other family at their beck and call. The difference between the two are one finds solutions to their dilemmas and the other expects solutions to come to them.
Everything the pope states us right in the money. Striving for worldly happiness and earthly possessions will in the long run get you no where. Looking at children as burdens or problems when things are hard and/or as accessories to be acquired only when deemed financially feasible is not the way God intended family to work. Life is about struggles and generously accepting those struggles. It’s through hard times and self sacrifice that we earn stars in our crown. Changing society for the better starts in our own homes with what we pass on to the next generation.
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1990Domer
Guest
I wasn’t going to post this but I feel it applies more and more. There are a lot of us in the “sandwich generation” who are caring for young kids while trying to care for aging parents. This is the case with me. It is tough to split time between commitments to my son and wanting to help my parents navigate our highly complicated health care system.
It’s great what the Pope said, but I nowhere see that applying to my life.
It’s great what the Pope said, but I nowhere see that applying to my life.
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bitterhope
Guest
He was speaking to the people in Mexico where they have always been caring for aging parents and grandparents while simultaneously raising their own kids and often grand kids as well.
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simpleas
Guest
Not to bash the pope, I really like him, but look how many clergy live in luxury, and they do not have families to support…
This is why I’m never keen on telling people they should be more happy struggling while others live so well.
This is why I’m never keen on telling people they should be more happy struggling while others live so well.
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1990Domer
Guest
I don’t think that communities are as stable as they once were. This generation faces a ton of job insecurity. Moves are frequent in order to find or maintain employment. It is very rare that a twenty-something works for the same employer for 35-40 years.
And if you are in the military, well, I think all bets are off. I saw how many times BIL/SIL moved. Not an easy life at all.
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bitterhope
Guest
My family is military and has been for a few generations on my side. My husband is an immigrant. We’ve never lived near family and including the three years he got out of the Army before going back in, this is the longest we have ever lived anywhere (3.5 years). It isn’t easy but as long as you’re resourceful it can work quite well. We learn to hit the ground running each time we move. Start by establishing drs and finding a parish. The rest is just making yourself available to meet people and get to know them.
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edwest2
Guest
I have a friend who thinks that but what luxuries do they have? In the US, priests are not meant to indulge in much, to lead their flock, to visit the sick, to attend to the dying and to perform funeral rites. One pastor spoke on Catholic Radio that if it wasn’t for the Lord giving him strength, he would be hard pressed. Aside from a nice building to live in, I don’t see their lives as luxury.
Ed
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jmjZelie
Guest
I think this is the most beautiful speech I have ever read by Pope Francis. So very encouraging.
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