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shadow_fire
Guest
I look at porn quite a bit, but I’m sorry I can’t really relate with him too well on that subject (I look at gay porn) I think what your husband means is the nasty/dirty/slutty stuff arouses him more.
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Jimbo2
Guest
TMI!
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shadow_fire
Guest
What does TMI mean?
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Daniel_Marsh
Guest
Read Gal 5, the bad girl desire is part of the nature of the flesh.
Romans 12 tells us to daily kill our flesh nature and be not comformed to playboy thinking.
Romans 12 tells us to daily kill our flesh nature and be not comformed to playboy thinking.
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Jimbo2
Guest
What does TMI mean?
Too Much Information.
Too Much Information.
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shadow_fire
Guest
Well we are dealing with a thread about masturbation and porn…
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mlldrl
Guest
Get some books on the Theology of the Body by JPII and read them together. After doing a course based on ToB called “Splendor of Love” I did a 180 on my views of porn. I used to be one of those “who is it hurting” kind of guys but no more. Books by Christopher West are a little less heady than Splendor of Love. Maybe start out with “Good News About Sex and Marriage” by West.
DH needs some help.
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DH needs some help.
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Dan-Man916
Guest
You do realize that that statement does absolutely nothing to help the situation.
We ALL have disorders. They are called sin.
this particular one is quite serious, and it is truly a disorder because we are ordered toward love, and a “slut” is not ordered toward love.
The first step is for the husband to recongize that this is a problem.
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rwoehmke
Guest
Yes indeed, a problem that has existed for centuries which does not make it right. Some men crave things their wives either will not do for them or things they are afraid ton ask for. The sad thing is they learn about these things, not all of them are depraved and wrong, by reading and watching stuff they should have stayed away from. I am old enough to know that the sexual relationship is not much improved by techniques, but by loving mutually agreed upon experimentation within the bounds of moral behavior.
Sex without love is so freely available today that normal sex soon loses its savor. We then search for the technique/position that will once again make it wonderful, but it is a losing proposition. Without love, shear pleasure soon loses its appeal.
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iamrefreshed
Guest
Porn, whether gay or straight is disordered. It degrades the participants. Sex is an act of love. Not something for viewing of the public.
A second issue (one close to home for me) is the fact that a majority (studies conclude 93%) of porn actors/actresses were sexually abused as children. This abuse has caused them to “act out” or “cope” with their abuse in this fashion.
Next time you are watching some porn to satisfy your lust just ask yourself if you really care about the poor souls who provide you with your pleasure that lasts a few seconds. Realize, some woman/man had to be sexually abused by their father/mother/uncle for you to get your pleasure.
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reganq
Guest
DH and I also did “Splendor of Love”. It is a great program!
DH has felt called to help men with porn addiction. I just went through our bookmarks and looked at some of the sites he’s marked. I hope that some of these may be of help:
This one is a test to take to see if you are addicted. The site also has a wealth of information
no-porn.com/test.html
This one is related to the abuse/exploitation in the sex industry
thesilverbraid.org/
Online workshops and more for overcoming the addiction
pureonline.com/
This one has lots of great links and a great story/witness
freewebs.com/savedfromstripclubs/
He also marked several sites for software/services which monitor online activity (secretly). This may be something to consider in the future.
I will keep you and your DH in my prayers. Another thought just came to mind. Have a mass said for your husband. Also, have the holy souls pray for him and your marriage. They are wonderful intercessors waiting for us to help them and ask for their help.
God bless you!
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duskyjewel
Guest
To the OP… I will not defend your husband’s use of porn or his masturbating instead of being with you. Neither of those things is good or acceptable.
However, with his “every guy wants a slut” comment, perhaps he was trying to tell you something and just worded it VERY VERY badly! Maybe he wants you to be a little more adventurous in the bedroom. Unfortunately, now that he has tainted his tastes with pornography, his requests may not be reasonable. I don’t know what happened in your marriage before this, whether he asked you to try some things and got shot down, or if he never said anything because of embarrassment or an assumption you wouldn’t, or whatever. Only you know those things. And I am not saying that if he had asked and you had tried any of his suggestions that it would have prevented him using porn. Just trying to give him a little benefit of the doubt here, because most guys when confronted do not admit this readily. PPs are right in that you are way ahead of the game on that score.
There are lots of ways to introduce a little more “fun” into the bedroom that do not violate anything about the teaching of the Catholic Church about sex. I won’t go into detail, because it would probably get deleted, but we are all adults here, and I am sure everyone can come up with their own answers on that.
However, with his “every guy wants a slut” comment, perhaps he was trying to tell you something and just worded it VERY VERY badly! Maybe he wants you to be a little more adventurous in the bedroom. Unfortunately, now that he has tainted his tastes with pornography, his requests may not be reasonable. I don’t know what happened in your marriage before this, whether he asked you to try some things and got shot down, or if he never said anything because of embarrassment or an assumption you wouldn’t, or whatever. Only you know those things. And I am not saying that if he had asked and you had tried any of his suggestions that it would have prevented him using porn. Just trying to give him a little benefit of the doubt here, because most guys when confronted do not admit this readily. PPs are right in that you are way ahead of the game on that score.
There are lots of ways to introduce a little more “fun” into the bedroom that do not violate anything about the teaching of the Catholic Church about sex. I won’t go into detail, because it would probably get deleted, but we are all adults here, and I am sure everyone can come up with their own answers on that.
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sandraladeda
Guest
You might like to ask your hubby what he would think if you viewed pornographic images of men for self-stimulation activities, because you have a fantasy of a certain type of guy - big muscles, other physical attributes, etc. If you sought pleasure that way, how would he feel about that?
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JudieK
Guest
Pornography is toxic to a marriage. Before I was a Christian, I was married to my high-school sweetheart. His pornography addiction ultimately ruined our marriage. He assured me it was a “guy” thing, and that it had absolutely nothing to do with me. I bought that for awhile… but it was always on my mind, esp. when we were “together.” I felt that we were not alone in the bedroom… that something else was there too- images, thoughts. So i did not feel loving and intimate because of the betrayal that I felt. Soon it escalated into telephone sex with live women. Again- I was told it was “nothing.” My heart went completely cold. I realize now he had a sex addiction, and if I had been a Christian at the time (and older than 24) I may have done the work to keep it together. But I didn’t. I had to go. I left with zero self-esteem.
I am now Catholic, and married to a ** wonderful** Catholic man. He believes in purity of marital love, of the sanctity of the marriage bed, etc. What a blessing! We don’t even watch rated R movies if they have sex scenes. Anyway- marriage that is pure (and by that I mean untainted by the world’s constant insistence of throwing sexual images at us at every turn, esp. porn!) feels so much more in tune with God. We both believe in the importance of avoiding the near occassions of sin. Averting your eyes when confronted with immodesty. (And no, we’re not old- I’m only 39). I think we believe that as adults we can look at anything and be unaffected. It isn’t true.
Incidently, my father had hard-core porn in our house when I was a child. I saw these images as a small child. You better believe it affected me. I grew up filled with shame and feeling “dirty.” I never told my mom or anyone else, but it formed my whole sense of selfworth. I didn’t go on to become a porn star, obviously- but it did have the opposite effect. When my first husband brought the stuff home and I found it, I became physically ill.
Please do not underestimate the power of porn to ruin lives and marriages. Sometimes it takes decades to recover. Thank God for his grace! He can work miracles.
Judie
I am now Catholic, and married to a ** wonderful** Catholic man. He believes in purity of marital love, of the sanctity of the marriage bed, etc. What a blessing! We don’t even watch rated R movies if they have sex scenes. Anyway- marriage that is pure (and by that I mean untainted by the world’s constant insistence of throwing sexual images at us at every turn, esp. porn!) feels so much more in tune with God. We both believe in the importance of avoiding the near occassions of sin. Averting your eyes when confronted with immodesty. (And no, we’re not old- I’m only 39). I think we believe that as adults we can look at anything and be unaffected. It isn’t true.
Incidently, my father had hard-core porn in our house when I was a child. I saw these images as a small child. You better believe it affected me. I grew up filled with shame and feeling “dirty.” I never told my mom or anyone else, but it formed my whole sense of selfworth. I didn’t go on to become a porn star, obviously- but it did have the opposite effect. When my first husband brought the stuff home and I found it, I became physically ill.
Please do not underestimate the power of porn to ruin lives and marriages. Sometimes it takes decades to recover. Thank God for his grace! He can work miracles.
Judie
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exiled
Guest
I second all you are saying, Judie. My dad had some graphic movies in the house, too, and sometimes those horrid images still pop into my head and revolt me at very inopportune times, and can ruin everything.
I don’t think my husband ever had what could be called an “addiction”, but I did catch 2 sites in our computer history years ago and really blew a gasket. He’s changed a lot since then, but every so often I still wonder what he might peek at, or what woman at work he might be thinking about (if any).
When a man brings another woman into the home, whether on TV or in a magazine or on the computer, it will effect his marriage for years to come.
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DJgang
Guest
Excellent post!
I have nothing to add, but since no one commented on your post, I thought that I would.
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sanctamaria17
Guest
I will pray for you and your husband. I can’t really add anything except that it really takes a toll. I know guys who say it’s nothing but it really isn’t. They don’t know how to treat women, they constantly insult girls (without realizing it) and they even talk about how they don’t want daughters, only sons. Sadly, girls I know are also falling into this trap, thinking it’s a guy thing, that they’ll never be that pretty, and that no guy would ever love them. If only they realized that God is what they need (both guys and girls). It seems that they really do need the love of God but they don’t know that they do and think this will satisfy them. Let’s pray that this changes.
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