G
GhostMan
Guest
It’s difficult to construct this post; invariably there will be a small sect that screams, “You’re defending the use of porn.” Nothing could be further from the truth, but it seems like a few virulent posters want to see all men as porn-addicted perverts no matter what.
“What, your husband won’t take out the trash? He’s probably watching porn. Your children are at risk, get them out of the house. He’s likely to beat you. He’s going to watch enough porn to make him cheat on you. Luckily, you have reason to believe that your marriage is invalid and you can seek an annulment and find a real marriage.”
sigh An exaggeration? Yes, but not as much of one as I’d wish for. Husband/man bashing is an artform here at times.
Porn is bad. It’s horrible. It’s destructive. It’s also ubiquitous. Sadly, most of us can open up our spam folders and see free porn just sitting there. You don’t have to do anything to look for it; you have to actively defend against it.
Now that I’ve hopefully established my “bona-fides” about my position on porn, I’ll try and say what I wanted to say in sentence one.
“Why do women marry men addicted to porn” was the original question that spawned my response. There are other active threads here now about men hiding it and ignoring their wife. My response is a more general one: what attracts men to porn.
I can’t speak for all men, nor would I. I can speak for myself and for men I’ve talked with. Godly men will at time, when they’re feeling comfortable with each other, speak of the fight they have against looking at these images.
Many of us do fight that. It’s a siren song calling out to us: look at me, I’m beautiful (airbrushed); I want you (you’re money); I’ll do anything you want (give me your money). I’m young and firm (airbrushed); The lies are as old as time, but they are re-used for a reason: they work on many men.
It’s a constant fight for some of us to stay clear of that. There are times when the fight is easy. It doesn’t even seem like one. The temptations are distant and easily overcome. There are other times when it is not so easy, when the fight is in the gutter, hand-to-hand and the outcome is unclear. Even if we win every time, we still feel dirty for having to fight that fight.
When I look at the difference in the temptations there are generally two components: my walk with God and my wife’s treatment of me. There should only be one: my walk with God, but I am human and affected by how she treats me.
My walk with God is my own responsibility and I know that the closer He allows me to walk with Him the easier the battles of life are, including porn. I must do my part in this portion.
The real gist of my post is how much I am influenced by my wife. When she honors and respects me, covets my touch (in all ways, not just “that touch”), when she flirts with me and lets me know that I am still desirable as a man in spite of the slight paunch and receding hair, when she treats me as the man of the house and makes me feel wanted, my fight is so easy. I laugh at temptation; I mock it and skip past it carefree and whistling a happy tune.
That all requires that I am doing my part as the husband. I know that. I’m a pretty good husband (not perfect, mind you, but pretty good) and in general don’t do anything that should allow her to feel that she object to me.
I would ask you women who think your husbands struggle (I say struggle, not those who have given themselves over to sin, but those who fight) if you are helping him or if you are part of the fight? Regardless of if you know it or not, you’re either part of the solution or part of the problem.
NOTE: You are not responsible for your husband’s sin. I do not make excuses for his failing the fight. This is simple a post about how you can affect the outcome in one way or another. When he fails, it’s on him. When he succeeds in overcoming temptation, however, I believe it is at least partly due to your participation. See, you get all the credit and none of the blame. I’m a nice guy. Men are required to stay away form all porn, without excuse. There is no acceptable reason for failing. Again, I am anti-porn, I don’t beat my wife and I am not going to cheat on her. I’m reasonably certain our marriage is valid. Gosh I hate that I have to state that every few paragraphs.
Women, we need your help. The entire world’s against us here. We have only our own conscience and your support as weapons. It’s easy to slam a husband who fails (not one who is given over to fail, but one who – on a rare occasion – gives over), but can you honestly say you’re doing everything that you can. Again, I know that when my wife is doing all the positive “wifey” things that tell me she’s content, happy, loves AND desires me, my battle is won.
I will go out on a limb and say that the average man who is failing with this fight does not have a wife doing everything she can to help him. Go ahead, skewer away. I know that I’m now going to get blasted. In my experience, as with men I’ve personally talked with, this is the case. We have great difficulty winning this war when you’re either actively dismissing us in one way or another or you’re just not there.
You want a husband who wins? Then, respect him, honor him, touch him frequently – on the arm, the back, the shoulder, the face. Remind him of the softness of a real woman’s touch. Smile and flirt with him. Stop nagging him to do the mundane tasks all the time. Stop complaining that your day is hard with the kids – we all struggle at our occupations. It’s part of curse of the fall. I’m not saying never complain, just don’t make it the only topic of conversation you have with him. Don’t complain that your brother makes a better living or your father gave your mother a better car.
“What, your husband won’t take out the trash? He’s probably watching porn. Your children are at risk, get them out of the house. He’s likely to beat you. He’s going to watch enough porn to make him cheat on you. Luckily, you have reason to believe that your marriage is invalid and you can seek an annulment and find a real marriage.”
sigh An exaggeration? Yes, but not as much of one as I’d wish for. Husband/man bashing is an artform here at times.
Porn is bad. It’s horrible. It’s destructive. It’s also ubiquitous. Sadly, most of us can open up our spam folders and see free porn just sitting there. You don’t have to do anything to look for it; you have to actively defend against it.
Now that I’ve hopefully established my “bona-fides” about my position on porn, I’ll try and say what I wanted to say in sentence one.
“Why do women marry men addicted to porn” was the original question that spawned my response. There are other active threads here now about men hiding it and ignoring their wife. My response is a more general one: what attracts men to porn.
I can’t speak for all men, nor would I. I can speak for myself and for men I’ve talked with. Godly men will at time, when they’re feeling comfortable with each other, speak of the fight they have against looking at these images.
Many of us do fight that. It’s a siren song calling out to us: look at me, I’m beautiful (airbrushed); I want you (you’re money); I’ll do anything you want (give me your money). I’m young and firm (airbrushed); The lies are as old as time, but they are re-used for a reason: they work on many men.
It’s a constant fight for some of us to stay clear of that. There are times when the fight is easy. It doesn’t even seem like one. The temptations are distant and easily overcome. There are other times when it is not so easy, when the fight is in the gutter, hand-to-hand and the outcome is unclear. Even if we win every time, we still feel dirty for having to fight that fight.
When I look at the difference in the temptations there are generally two components: my walk with God and my wife’s treatment of me. There should only be one: my walk with God, but I am human and affected by how she treats me.
My walk with God is my own responsibility and I know that the closer He allows me to walk with Him the easier the battles of life are, including porn. I must do my part in this portion.
The real gist of my post is how much I am influenced by my wife. When she honors and respects me, covets my touch (in all ways, not just “that touch”), when she flirts with me and lets me know that I am still desirable as a man in spite of the slight paunch and receding hair, when she treats me as the man of the house and makes me feel wanted, my fight is so easy. I laugh at temptation; I mock it and skip past it carefree and whistling a happy tune.
That all requires that I am doing my part as the husband. I know that. I’m a pretty good husband (not perfect, mind you, but pretty good) and in general don’t do anything that should allow her to feel that she object to me.
I would ask you women who think your husbands struggle (I say struggle, not those who have given themselves over to sin, but those who fight) if you are helping him or if you are part of the fight? Regardless of if you know it or not, you’re either part of the solution or part of the problem.
NOTE: You are not responsible for your husband’s sin. I do not make excuses for his failing the fight. This is simple a post about how you can affect the outcome in one way or another. When he fails, it’s on him. When he succeeds in overcoming temptation, however, I believe it is at least partly due to your participation. See, you get all the credit and none of the blame. I’m a nice guy. Men are required to stay away form all porn, without excuse. There is no acceptable reason for failing. Again, I am anti-porn, I don’t beat my wife and I am not going to cheat on her. I’m reasonably certain our marriage is valid. Gosh I hate that I have to state that every few paragraphs.
Women, we need your help. The entire world’s against us here. We have only our own conscience and your support as weapons. It’s easy to slam a husband who fails (not one who is given over to fail, but one who – on a rare occasion – gives over), but can you honestly say you’re doing everything that you can. Again, I know that when my wife is doing all the positive “wifey” things that tell me she’s content, happy, loves AND desires me, my battle is won.
I will go out on a limb and say that the average man who is failing with this fight does not have a wife doing everything she can to help him. Go ahead, skewer away. I know that I’m now going to get blasted. In my experience, as with men I’ve personally talked with, this is the case. We have great difficulty winning this war when you’re either actively dismissing us in one way or another or you’re just not there.
You want a husband who wins? Then, respect him, honor him, touch him frequently – on the arm, the back, the shoulder, the face. Remind him of the softness of a real woman’s touch. Smile and flirt with him. Stop nagging him to do the mundane tasks all the time. Stop complaining that your day is hard with the kids – we all struggle at our occupations. It’s part of curse of the fall. I’m not saying never complain, just don’t make it the only topic of conversation you have with him. Don’t complain that your brother makes a better living or your father gave your mother a better car.
I guess it is more complicated than that.