Pornography Addiction and Annulment

[Ailina]

Is that really grounds for annulment? If he has issues with self control and sex addiction, it’s not quite the same as breaking promises. He might be trying but failing because his free will is diminished by other factors.

I’m not saying she shouldn’t be upset, but we don’t know how much he asks either. Is it something that he asks every once in a while, or constantly tries to pressure her into. In what way does he ask it, does he try to manipulate her or guilt her. I don’t know.

I am actually a woman, and I am turned off by men who look at porn. At the same time I am a young woman, and virtually every man I know looks at porn. I don’t have hopes of finding one who doesn’t. I am hoping to find one who doesn’t look at it very often, and doesn’t look at the more crazy internet variety.

If porn is an addiction, a habit that controls his life and that he cannot break free from, then yes, that would be grounds for annulment. He isn’t exactly cherishing his wife, is he? He is letting it control him rather than the other way around.

My ex-husband was into S&M stuff. It is very degrading, not joyful as sex should be. A wife should not have to submit to such stuff even “once in a while”. How disturbing that it is now considered a normal part of marital sex.

I have received the first affirmative on my petition for nullity of marriage because my husband was not honest about his sexual depravities. So there is hope for the OP. It is not an easy life, but easier than living with a spouse who was more into sex than his family.

 

[flyingfish]

My ex-husband was into S&M stuff. It is very degrading, not joyful as sex should be. A wife should not have to submit to such stuff even “once in a while”. How disturbing that it is now considered a normal part of marital sex.

Oh I agree with this, she should not have to submit to anything like that. But he might still ask, if he asks once or twice a year I wouldn’t think it’s such a big problem. She just says no and they move on. But if he is constantly asking and pressuring and trying to guilt her into consenting, then that’s a pretty huge issue.

She can always say no, but he can still ask every once in a while hoping that she changed her mind.

I have received the first affirmative on my petition for nullity of marriage because my husband was not honest about his sexual depravities. So there is hope for the OP. It is not an easy life, but easier than living with a spouse who was more into sex than his family.

I’m glad for you, hopefully the OP will have hers annulled if she decides to go through with the divorce.

 

[Havard]

First off, I’m a man, but obviously I don’t have the experience of, or speak for, every man. That being said…

I think there is unquestionably a range of porn usage among men. One man might look once in a while, while another may not be able to go more than a few hours without looking at it. I really doubt it holds the same significance or interest for every man. Some might think of it as a replacement for intercourse, while others might see it as a way of relieving stress. I don’t think every man looks at it and thinks “that’s what I want in a mate.” I doubt most men think much about it at all.

And although I agree that porn can be destructive to a man’s perception of women, objectifying them, that same objectification of women is present in marketing and advertising everywhere, so that aspect is hard to avoid unless you’re Amish. Ultimately, I think it depends on each individual man. It’d be ideal if he didn’t look at porn at all, but if he has, it doesn’t mean he’s a lost cause.

 

[dulcissima]

This does sound like a pretty extreme case of addiction.

At this point thinking seriously about an annulment is kind of like putting the cart in front of the horse.

You don’t know what your husband’s intentions were when he married you. That he has been seeking help for his problems could be an indication that his intentions were what they should have been. Whether or not he is capable of overcoming the problem is another matter, and as other’s have indicated you probably need to decide whether this is something that you can work through with him.

If you are going to stay and try to work it out, I think you should consider taking a break from relations with your husband, because it sounds like he is bringing his problem into your marriage bed. I think it is important that he sees what he has with you as your husband has nothing to do with what he is doing in his mind with all of these other images. He needs to get some freedom from all of that spinning and spinning and uselessness that is eating him up. Throwing all of that into your relationship will only confuse the matter. He needs to know the freedom of celibacy before he can understand what he has with you.

I understand what you are going through because I have experienced much of it myself, albeit with a (now ex) spouse who was not quite as far gone as yours. However, he did not see what was wrong in what he was doing and had no intention of changing. It could be that makes all the difference that is needed. I don’t know. You are the one who is living this, and you are really the only one who knows whether or not you have a relationship that has the potential to work if you are both willing (and able) to put the work into it.

 

[MtnDwellar]

I am thinking that a porn/masturbation problem is not or should not be grounds for annulment. If every marriage was annulled for that reason, we would have very few marriages.

What about the marriage vows? What about the man’s good points? Isn’t this something that a couple should work out? Do you guys pray together? Prayer will help.

 

[NicoleCook]

I am thinking that a porn/masturbation problem is not or should not be grounds for annulment. If every marriage was annulled for that reason, we would have very few marriages.

It ***IS ***grounds for an annument, if at the time the marriage vows were given ,the OP was not aware of the behavior. She could not make an informed desision about whether or not it was exceptable to her if she did not know it was happening. ***IT IS ***grounds.

My X also had deviant sexual behavior, I didnt know he was not a virgin when we married. I did not know he was into porn. I did not know he was struggling with substance abuse, and that he was AWOL from the Navy when we were wed. I was afraid I would not recieve an annulment, but through God’s grace, I have. I woudl apply if after much prayer you think feel it is the right desision for you.

In Christ,
Nicole

 

[sixlittlesaints]

Once again I appreciate all the responses to my plea for help.

Please be aware that I did not willingly choose to marry a man with a sexual addiction. My husband and I met at church. I was the Mass Coordinator and he played guitar in the choir. We dated for 14 months and then were engaged for 9 months before marrying. We took all the marriage prep courses in the diocese. My dh mentioned very broefly that he had been with 5 girls in the past. He refused to talk to me about it saying he had confessed it and it was in the past. He led me to believe the encounters were much different than they actually were and that they were years in the past. I respected his privacy and tried to get over it but now I find out many important details including that his last sexual encounter was only 2 weeks before we started dating - not years in the past! As far as the pornography and masturbation were concerned I had no idea. He hid all of this quite well. So much for my dating someone who had made mistakes in his youth but was now a changed man. Yeah right!

Next, please do not refer to me as an older woman - I am only 33. I do not intend to marry anyone else annulment or not. Why would I desire to have sex with anyone when my whole experience of sex is to be treated like a blow up doll with whips, hand-cuffs, weird positions, etc. My husband’s favorite position is one where he can not see my face. Great - so now he can not see that I am crying because I feel so used and I am in pain because I am so dry for nursing our children all day. He can have all the fun he wants and not even see me. Does he stop when I explain? Not really - he thinks it is sexual fun in marriage. Actually looking at my face and making love to all of me is much more boring than using my genitals as a recepticle for his desires. I truly have no desire to marry ever again and really sort of wish I were not stuck being married right now.

For those of you who disagree - pornography is disgusting. There is absolutely no doubt about it. Masturbation is disgusting too. Just imagine the guy’s face as he masages himself in the shower. Sick… However, I must learn to seoarate the sin from the sinner. All men who look at porn are doing something disgusting but the men themselves are not disgusting. I must overcome my feelings of disgust regarding my husband.

All of that said, I really do not want a divorce and an annulment. My husband is trying very hard to overcome his addiction. You should see him on his knees leading our children in prayer every night! He never used to do this until 3 months ago. He is going to SA meetings and reading “Clean of Heart.” He is the most authentically Catholic man I know once you get past his sexual side. I wish I could be married to him but never have to be sexual again - sort of like amputating that side of him and finding then man I thought I was marrying. What is so hard for me is 1. I no longer believe in the permanance of our vows because I believe a tribunal would rule that our marriage is only civil but not quite sacramental and 2. to be married means I must embrace all of him including his sexuality.

I wish there were a way to renew our wedding vows in a year or two once he had overcome his addiction. Then rather than being stuck with him, I could make a free and clear choice to marry him properly at that point. Unfortunately, doing that would not change the fact that our original vows were not valid and the church would still lok at the original vows when deciding on an annulment should his addiciton flair up again even after our vow renewal.

We are starting counseling in a few weeks so with God’s grace things might improve. Please keep praying!

 

[kage_ar]

One thing to remember, if you were both baptized and if you have a valid marriage (which the Church assumes you do) - you have a sacramental marriage. Pray that the grace of that Sacrament be poured out.

Please, try to find these two good Catholic books:

The 7 Levels of Intimacy by Matthew Kelly

Deep Conversion, Deep Prayer by Fr Dubay

 

[Havard]

Regarding sex, if he’s not engaging in holy sex (like the book), stop it until he does! You are under no obligation to be used that way, it has nothing to do with denying him of sacramental intercourse.

 

[raggetyann]

Excuse me but i don’t understand why you would expect anyone to stay with a person that is unfaithful. What if they give you s disease? Or go after your child people that are oversexed should not be around children you think? raggetyann

 

[6glargento]

It ***IS ***grounds for an annument, if at the time the marriage vows were given ,the OP was not aware of the behavior. She could not make an informed desision about whether or not it was exceptable to her if she did not know it was happening. ***IT IS ***grounds.

My X also had deviant sexual behavior, I didnt know he was not a virgin when we married. I did not know he was into porn. I did not know he was struggling with substance abuse, and that he was AWOL from the Navy when we were wed. I was afraid I would not recieve an annulment, but through God’s grace, I have. I woudl apply if after much prayer you think feel it is the right desision for you.

In Christ,
Nicole

To me, it really seems like the “grounds for annulment” have changed dramatically since Vatican II. Pre-Vatican II you had about an average of 400 annulments granted per year world wide, after vatican II that number went up to over 50,000. And as one user said in this thread that less than 15% of annulment requests are denied. It is practically a DeFacto acceptance of divorce and remarriage!! The traditional teaching of the church is that a marriage between two baptized catholics are almost always indissolvible. I honestly believe that if this was 1960 (or earlier) and somebody requested an annulment becasue their husband was addicted to pornography/masturbation at the time of their marriage, they would have most certainly been denied. Frankly the way that people on this forum talk about annulments its as if they are a right that is due to anyone whoes marriage isn’t working out. Its really disheartening and shows just how far we have fallen. But to the OP, im sorry about your situation. I will pray that your husband continues to get the help he needs and that he is able to fully and permanently rid himselves of these sins that have so endangered his marriage and his soul. God Bless

 

[renatas]

There are many issues here. The fact that he has consistently lied to her about his porn habit is a big problem. That is a big issue of trust. He has broken it from the start. Good grounds for annulment there.

Then there is the issue of being treated as an object for his lust. His “asking for anal sex and S&M stuff”. should be acceptable behavior in a marriage? He is treating her like porn with skin on, urging her to act like one of those fantasy porn actresses. Yeah, that could be a huge turn off to a wife. Yet you wonder why she is upset?

I find it very disturbing that young women today think they too must act like porn stars in order to attract and keep a mate. I worry for my daughter. I worry for my sons, who so far don’t look at porn.

The fact is that porn, especially the Internet variety, is very hardcore and getting worse. Don’t brush it off and pretend it’s harmless. It isn’t. It’s time you men took a stand and pulled your hands out of your pockets. Porn corrodes marriages and relationships.

You said it sister…You hit the nail on the head. I dont think I could have said it any better. Yes, some men, my husband included thinks he is a “porn star” and it has affected our marriage, but he doesnt see it. And anal sex, he thinks it perfectly normal…and most women like it, but he works in a prison. GO FIGURE

 

[Podo2005]

First off, I’m a man, but obviously I don’t have the experience of, or speak for, every man. That being said…

I think there is unquestionably a range of porn usage among men. One man might look once in a while, while another may not be able to go more than a few hours without looking at it. I really doubt it holds the same significance or interest for every man. Some might think of it as a replacement for intercourse, while others might see it as a way of relieving stress. I don’t think every man looks at it and thinks “that’s what I want in a mate.” I doubt most men think much about it at all.

And although I agree that porn can be destructive to a man’s perception of women, objectifying them, that same objectification of women is present in marketing and advertising everywhere, so that aspect is hard to avoid unless you’re Amish. Ultimately, I think it depends on each individual man. It’d be ideal if he didn’t look at porn at all, but if he has, it doesn’t mean he’s a lost cause.

No that doesnt mean a man is a lost cause, but it does mean he needs extra help from the Lord & the man should do whatever it takes to stop watching porn (even if it only once in a blue moon)… it IS possible to acquire the virtue of chastity with the help of the Lord.

Your brother in Christ,
Zachary

 

[bmaj]

I was responding to this quote of FlyingFish:

“you have to realize that it’s very unlikely that you will find another man who does not have this problem”.

I am amazed at how nonchalant people are towards pornography these days, especially Catholics in this forum. People have truly become desensitized to it.

It affected my marriage. It ruined the man I was married to because he began to treat me as “porn with skin on”. I became nothing but a receptacle for his lust, a thing he could ejaculate on. He wasn’t making love to me because I was invisible; it was the images in his head that he was having sex with. That is what porn does to marriages. And then people wonder why wives are upset???

To any wives or girlfriends of men who view porn: Please feel free to join the women’s support group here at CAF entitled, “Women Suffering Because of Unchastity” (see the top tool bar under Groups, or click on my name and it will take you to it under the groups that I belong to).
This is an absolutely insane problem in our society today, and it’s only getting worse. It needs to be addressed in homilies and at Churches everywhere, but it sure isn’t at any of the Churches near me.
(There is also a CAF support group called “Impurity Addiction Support Group” for anyone trying to break the habit.)
God’s peace to anyone affected by this.

 

[psalm42]

There are many issues here. The fact that he has consistently lied to her about his porn habit is a big problem. That is a big issue of trust. He has broken it from the start. Good grounds for annulment there.

Then there is the issue of being treated as an object for his lust. His “asking for anal sex and S&M stuff”. should be acceptable behavior in a marriage? He is treating her like porn with skin on, urging her to act like one of those fantasy porn actresses. Yeah, that could be a huge turn off to a wife. Yet you wonder why she is upset?

I find it very disturbing that young women today think they too must act like porn stars in order to attract and keep a mate. I worry for my daughter. I worry for my sons, who so far don’t look at porn.

The fact is that porn, especially the Internet variety, is very hardcore and getting worse. Don’t brush it off and pretend it’s harmless. It isn’t. It’s time you men took a stand and pulled your hands out of your pockets. Porn corrodes marriages and relationships.

AMEN. You cannot even describe the pain–it is a betrayal. The effects it has on women/men is truly sad. This is not how God wants us to live and be in relationships.

After reading these posts it almost makes me not want to be married (even though ive read "The Good News About Sex and Marriage).

 

[renatas]

AMEN. You cannot even describe the pain–it is a betrayal. The effects it has on women/men is truly sad. This is not how God wants us to live and be in relationships.

It is betrayal. Absolutely.

 

[CatholicBloke]

To the OP, I am glad that you are venting on here. It is really tough to deal with betrayal. …ok that is an understatement. But, it isn’t impossible; and you may think I am being harsh, but I think it is selfish of you to consider and annulment. The vows work in both ways. Your husband is going through something awful and his salvation is at stake. This surely is a situation where you need to take him in “sickness” and in health, for better for for “worse.” The only reason that you have to leave him is so that “you” can search for what “you” think is a better life or greater fulfillment. You would leave him in the dust and tear your children away from their father. For what? So you can have meaningful sex with someone else? So you can wash your hands of his problems? Don’t run from this. I’ve made it through the pain of being betrayed by my spouse, and tons of people have made it through much worse than pornography and adultery of the mind. Be thankful that you and your children are physically safe and loved by your husband and continue to work through this with him.

 

[John21652]

But if you do make this decision, you have to realize that it’s very unlikely that you will find another man who does not have this problem. Plus, since you already have children it might be harder to find a man just because of that. Is there any way you can get over your husband masturbating?

You have got to be kidding ? Right? Do you have such a low opinion of men, all men?
According to this web site, porn addiction is also a big problem for women. Would a man be right in saying it would be very hard to find another woman who does not have this problem? I think you are stereotyping too readily. Most men consider porn to be very demeaning for both men and women.

 

[whatevergirl]

To the OP, I am glad that you are venting on here. It is really tough to deal with betrayal. …ok that is an understatement. But, it isn’t impossible; and you may think I am being harsh, but I think it is selfish of you to consider and annulment. The vows work in both ways. Your husband is going through something awful and his salvation is at stake. This surely is a situation where you need to take him in “sickness” and in health, for better for for “worse.” The only reason that you have to leave him is so that “you” can search for what “you” think is a better life or greater fulfillment. You would leave him in the dust and tear your children away from their father. For what? So you can have meaningful sex with someone else? So you can wash your hands of his problems? Don’t run from this. I’ve made it through the pain of being betrayed by my spouse, and tons of people have made it through much worse than pornography and adultery of the mind. Be thankful that you and your children are physically safe and loved by your husband and continue to work through this with him.

*I understand this, I agree. But, I agree in the sense that the OP’s husband is seeking forgiveness. Barring that, she can’t keep the marriage moving along, alone. It takes the person who has hurt the other…to WANT TO BE FORGIVEN. We can forgive, but if someone does not want to be forgiven, (ie is not remorseful and continues to do the hurtful behavior) then, the marriage vows are being upheld by one person. Plus, she conveys a few posts up (page 2?) that she didn’t know going into the marriage, about his addiction. I think that is the reason she would be granted the annulment, not because she doesn’t wish to hold up her end of the deal. The deal was actually skewed and disjointed before she even entered into the marriage–that is why there is an annulment process–to determine if both parties really understood WHO they were marrying.

I can’t tell another what to do in this instance, but I don’t see the OP as being selfish, and wanting ‘‘better sex’’ as you put it with another man. It’s so far from that, really. It’s about marrying someone whom presented himself in one light, and then showed his true self later in the marriage. And many marriage do survive those types of situations, but again, the person who does the cheating, hurting, porn viewing, whatever…needs to want to be forgiven. I haven’t seen any recent updates, so not sure if he is interested in working on the marriage…or where things stand. *

 

[raggetyann]

Remember when, woman were home and could not have a decision to do anything because she was the no body in the marriage and invisible partner who got to speak at home. If i could make that decision i would have him leave for a while and see how it goes but you cannot do it all the time this would be a one time shot there would be on other chance after this.Can you stay with him and feel good about yourself to? raggetyann