Pornography hitting home and it's affecting relationships

[Catholic_nicole]

Hello, I was told I should make a new post about this. I’d really appreciate your prayers and help with me on this topic. I’d like to know your advice on what to do.

I am a Catholic, obviously. My mother is a Catholic as well. My dad says he believes in God, but he is not religious whatsoever. I caught my father looking at porn sites and renting porn and other sexual movies on Netflix or streaming them. It has affected my relationship with him A LOT. It took me a lot of courage to go up to him and explain that I’m a Catholic and think that is wrong and how I thought that was cheating, a sin, and it was affecting my relationship with him. He replied to me saying “you don’t even know what cheating is… looking at that is not cheating.” I think it is cheating though.

I’ve cried about this situation a lot and I’ve prayed to God to help my father stay away from temptation and to not sin. I’ve also prayed to God to help my father and I’s relationship, for me not to hold anger for him doing it, and for my father to find God.

However, my father has not stopped. It hurts me. I have pain because he’s doing it, I feel like that is cheating on my mother, and I feel like he’s gonna to go Hell.
I do care about my father and hope he will not go to Hell… deep inside me I do want to see him in my afterlife. Since he has not stopped, it’s made me feel like he doesn’t care about our relationship. That even hurts more…

So, I want some direction on where to go. I’ve brought it up to him once and he hasn’t stopped and it affects me. Does anyone have advice, whether or not you’ve gone through something along the lines of this? I don’t know what to do and how to heal from it…
I keep praying, but it continues. I barely talk to my dad now. I want a better relationship with him like I do with my mom. My mom and I are so close and I love her dearly

 

[irisheyes17]

Hello, I was told I should make a new post about this. I’d really appreciate your prayers and help with me on this topic. I’d like to know your advice on what to do.

I am a Catholic, obviously. My mother is a Catholic as well. My dad says he believes in God, but he is not religious whatsoever. I caught my father looking at porn sites and renting porn and other sexual movies on Netflix or streaming them. It has affected my relationship with him A LOT. It took me a lot of courage to go up to him and explain that I’m a Catholic and think that is wrong and how I thought that was cheating, a sin, and it was affecting my relationship with him. He replied to me saying “you don’t even know what cheating is… looking at that is not cheating.” I think it is cheating though.

I’ve cried about this situation a lot and I’ve prayed to God to help my father stay away from temptation and to not sin. I’ve also prayed to God to help my father and I’s relationship, for me not to hold anger for him doing it, and for my father to find God.

However, my father has not stopped. It hurts me. I have pain because he’s doing it, I feel like that is cheating on my mother, and I feel like he’s gonna to go Hell.
I do care about my father and hope he will not go to Hell… deep inside me I do want to see him in my afterlife. Since he has not stopped, it’s made me feel like he doesn’t care about our relationship. That even hurts more…

So, I want some direction on where to go. I’ve brought it up to him once and he hasn’t stopped and it affects me. Does anyone have advice, whether or not you’ve gone through something along the lines of this? I don’t know what to do and how to heal from it…
I keep praying, but it continues. I barely talk to my dad now. I want a better relationship with him like I do with my mom. My mom and I are so close and I love her dearly

Pornography is highly addicting to the point where scientists are now comparing its effects on our brain to drugs. Both me and my fiance have dealt with this addiction in the past. It is no easy task to quit but coming back to the church and praying to God every time I have an urge helps me greatly. I would encourage your father to look at the following website link: fightthenewdrug.org
Also on the other side of things…here is an actual ex-porn star testimony of the ugly truth behind porn: youtube.com/watch?v=wHo0bk3sv4I

It is mainly geared towards younger people but it is extremely helpful to see the real effects that porn has on our lives. Even if you are not religious, porn has no place in anyone’s lives! I could list the many many reasons why but it would go on forever. I think it is great that you know this and are helping your father be aware of this too. A lot of people would not confront their father’s on this type of issue and I have great respect that you have. Don’t expect this type of thing to end overnight…it does take a certain amount of will power to rid it from your life completely. But I think he will get there and I will keep praying for his recovery!

 

[tawny]

Praying for your intentions.

 

[Michael_Mayo]

Maybe something here can help:

The Defenders are men who have come to understand the marketplace of commercial sexual exploitation. We are committed to doing everything in our power to stop that exploitation. At the core of our existence is the Defenders Pledge, where we commit our lives to bringing dignity, honor, and respect to women and children. Out of that flow our other initiatives which exist to show women that we care, hold other men accountable, and working to end the demand for this destructive market. The question is: are you a Defender?

sharedhope.org/join-the-cause/become-a-defender/

 

[Prodigal_Son]

Since he has not stopped, it’s made me feel like he doesn’t care about our relationship. That even hurts more…

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

This is not about you. Repeat that a few dozen times: this is not about you. He may or may not have the willpower to stop looking at porn. Either way, he has a LONG history here. You are asking him to cut off something that plays a major role in his life – equivalent to asking him to move to another house, or take up another career. You are right to ask him to give this up. But it’s not easy, and it’s not personal.

 

[Catholic_nicole]

@irisheyes17:
Thank you for the links. I do want to show my father that website, but I’m afraid if I tell open it up and tell him to read those reasons under what it does to the brain, heart, and world that he won’t do it. What if he refuses? I guess I’m afraid he won’t take it seriously and that he’ll sluff it off or possibly get mad that I brought it up again.

@tawny:
I appreciate that. Thank you so much

@Michael Mayo:
Thank you for the link and maybe it can

@Prodigal Son:
I am asking him to cut it out, I understand that and I believe he is addicted. How does he understand that it hurts me? I remember when I talked to him about it and I was crying trying to explain it to him. He asked me why I was crying. I just don’t know how to get him to stop and I feel like if he doesn’t, I won’t have a relationship with him and I don’t want that. I used to like my dad so much when I was a kid… I want that back. I just don’t have respect for his immoral decisions.

 

[Xantippe]

God bless you and I am sorry that your family is going through this.

I have to ask this, how are you certain that your father is still looking at pornography? Either he is showing it to you, you are snooping on his computer or in his private areas of the home or he is looking at it in public?

Men who look at pornography are generally not so public about it, especially with their children so I am a bit confused as to why you have so much information. I am not asking this question to be mean to you, I have much sympathy for what you are going through, I am just very concerned that your father may be exposing you to pornography on purpose which would be another matter altogether.

If he isn’t, and you are snooping behind his back I will have to caution you that another person’s sins are private matters between them and God. Sad as this makes you, you will have to not be your father’s “sin monitor.”

Yes. Either the OP is poking into stuff she shouldn’t or the OP’s father is being exhibitionistic or negligent about his use of pornography. If it’s the former, don’t go looking for evidence that your dad is looking at pornography. And if it’s the latter, tell him that he has no business exposing you to pornography, and in fact, if you’re a minor, it’s quite possible that doing so is a criminal offense.

 

[Greg1963]

My heart aches for you. As one who has struggled with sexual sin I have a bit of empathy with your father. However, there is NO excuse that you should be aware of at least three incidents – “caught my father looking at porn sites and renting porn and other sexual movies on Netflix or streaming them”.

I do not know how old you are. If you are a minor then a crime has been committed and the authorities NEED to be contacted. If he will not submit to your pleadings (as his flesh and blood) OR to the Laws of God (by his lack of Faith) then he needs to answer to the Laws of Man. It might be hard to turn your own Father over to law enforcement but it is for the good of his soul.

SERIOUSLY! If you are a minor – tell him to stop or I am calling the police.

 

[bmaj]

Hello, I was told I should make a new post about this. I’d really appreciate your prayers and help with me on this topic. I’d like to know your advice on what to do.

I am a Catholic, obviously. My mother is a Catholic as well. My dad says he believes in God, but he is not religious whatsoever. I caught my father looking at porn sites and renting porn and other sexual movies on Netflix or streaming them. It has affected my relationship with him A LOT. It took me a lot of courage to go up to him and explain that I’m a Catholic and think that is wrong and how I thought that was cheating, a sin, and it was affecting my relationship with him. He replied to me saying “you don’t even know what cheating is… looking at that is not cheating.” I think it is cheating though.

I’ve cried about this situation a lot and I’ve prayed to God to help my father stay away from temptation and to not sin. I’ve also prayed to God to help my father and I’s relationship, for me not to hold anger for him doing it, and for my father to find God.

However, my father has not stopped. It hurts me. I have pain because he’s doing it, I feel like that is cheating on my mother, and I feel like he’s gonna to go Hell.
I do care about my father and hope he will not go to Hell… deep inside me I do want to see him in my afterlife. Since he has not stopped, it’s made me feel like he doesn’t care about our relationship. That even hurts more…

So, I want some direction on where to go. I’ve brought it up to him once and he hasn’t stopped and it affects me. Does anyone have advice, whether or not you’ve gone through something along the lines of this? I don’t know what to do and how to heal from it…
I keep praying, but it continues. I barely talk to my dad now. I want a better relationship with him like I do with my mom. My mom and I are so close and I love her dearly

Prayers for you and your family. Sounds more like an addiction than a habit for your father. As others have mentioned, if you’re a minor and he’s allowing you to witness this, crimes are likely being committed. Either way, it’s extremely hurtful for you as a daughter and your mother as well. Prayers asking for St. Monica’s intercession can help tremendously - she went through his with her family but never gave up praying and was highly rewarded by God for it. Please know that your father’s porn use is not about you - it’s his sin and addiction. As hard as it can be, sometimes when all else fails, we just have to “Let go and let God.”

 

[pensmama87]

Yes. Either the OP is poking into stuff she shouldn’t or the OP’s father is being exhibitionistic or negligent about his use of pornography. If it’s the former, don’t go looking for evidence that your dad is looking at pornography. And if it’s the latter, tell him that he has no business exposing you to pornography, and in fact, if you’re a minor, it’s quite possible that doing so is a criminal offense.

Part of the problem with this is that certain types of pornography aren’t considered “hardcore” enough anymore to really hide that you have them. My dad used to watch porn all of the time when we were at home. We weren’t in the room, but we had no idea what we was doing and being kids we’d just barge in because hey, it was a common area of the house. So we “caught” our dad frequently, but I wouldn’t say he was exposing us to it. He would change the channel when we came in.

A lot of this behavior is considered normal now. I expressed concerns once about it to my dad - using the most neutral language I could think of because nothing scared me more growing up than my dad’s temper, and I was told, verbatim, “Your mother doesn’t care and it’s not your business.” IMO it was my business because it was obvious what he was up to, and I discovered it just going about my daily life in my home, not by snooping. I still think that it falls under the “negligent exposure” you mentioned, but I doubt that law enforcement would take that kind of thing seriously. “Oh, so your dad likes the swimsuit editions and watching the softcore channels on cable? Get over yourself.” IIRC Netflix and other streaming services generally don’t include pornography (though they have R-rated material that includes sex, and I’m frequently shocked at what’s considered OK for regular movies these days). I know there are streaming services deliberately for pornography (blech). For it to be considered pornography, it may have to be material actually labelled as “adult” for law enforcement to care about a minor seeing it.

 

[Xantippe]

Part of the problem with this is that certain types of pornography aren’t considered “hardcore” enough anymore to really hide that you have them. My dad used to watch porn all of the time when we were at home. We weren’t in the room, but we had no idea what we was doing and being kids we’d just barge in because hey, it was a common area of the house. So we “caught” our dad frequently, but I wouldn’t say he was exposing us to it. He would change the channel when we came in.

Gah!

That’s awful.

 

[pensmama87]

That’s awful.

IMO, it’s that kind of stuff that makes confused undergraduates feel like they have a home in Women’s Studies departments. It feels like the only way to combat the blatant misogyny of a home environment like that (especially if there’s no/little religion in the home.)

One of the only things the OP can do is pray for dad, and perhaps get counseling to help realize and put into practice that what dad is doing has nothing to do with her. People with addictions like this, when they are mired in it, simply do not have the self-awareness to realize that they are doing serious harm, and will rationalize beyond any point of reason. In my case, my dad decided that I was nosy, uppity, and needed to learn my place. AFAIK, my younger siblings learned from how he treated me that we do not say anything negative about dad ever. So of course, I’ve continued to be the “problem child” in his mind ever since, which makes it less likely that he will take anything I ever say about his behavior about anything seriously. It can be counter-productive to continue to insist on change. It will be interpreted as harping.

 

[Catholic_nicole]

@Monicad:
I’m certain that he is looking at it because we have an account on Netflix that we all use to stream shows. A few times when I go on there to watch a show I like such as Grey’s Anatomy, there is a title of “Recently Watched…” and yeah there are his sexual movies that are on there. So I’m sure it is him. In addition, the other part of Netflix is to add movies to your Quene and they’ll be shipped to your house. Well on this account we all use… there’s some sexual movies listed on there on the list to be shipped to the house. We all use an iPad and I’ve been on the iPad and one time there was a website on there that was left open on accident. He doesn’t have his own computer… we all use the same stuff. I was never snooping. My father was not exposing me to porn, that wasn’t the issue. He’s not a bad man. I will confess that after I brought this up to my father before and I told him what I knew he watched, he started deleting history on the iPad and such… if you’re deleting history you’re hiding something now and of course I knew what it was.

@Xantippe:
He’s not doing a criminal offense so that’s not the problem

@Greg1963:
A crime has not been commited and I thank you for your concern and empathy for my situation

@bmaj:
I always did think it was an addiction. I will ask for St. Monica’s intercession, I’ll try anything to get my father on the right path. Thank you for your comment . I’ll keep praying to God for His help.

@pensmama87:
That’s disturbing that it has to be considered “adult” for it to be counted, but they unfortuately couldn’t keep up with all of the people that watch porn nowadays… sigh, the world we live in. Sometimes I wish I could’ve grown up in a more innocent world. I also think that some of the things they allow on TV is extreme or how celebrities dress up on those awards shows are too reaveling for a child to see. If it would be counter productive to tell my dad to stop, what do I do? (Besides prayer of course)

 

[Prodigal_Son]

Thank you for the update and for taking the time to come here and share what is going on in your family.

You have told your father that this is disturbing to you and upsets you greatly. If he is going to engage in this then he needs to keep his sins private. Anytime you find evidence such as a shipping receipt then simply print out the screen, hand it to him and say firmly “I do NOT care to see this please keep this PRIVATE thank you.” Same if you find adult movies on the t.v. of recently viewed write your father a note saying “I noticed you watched XXX last night this is disturbing to know please delete thank you.”

Either that or hand it to your mother and father together. Tell your parents that although these decisions are theirs to make privately as adults, as a child it makes your skin crawl to have this image in your mind of your father watching this kind of filth, and you would rather not be reminded of it regularly. Ask them please to do the courtesy of keeping it away from you by clearing the screens, getting a separate account or whatever.

It’s not possible to delete Netflix recently watched history.

 

[Xantippe]

How about separate Netflix sub-accounts? I don’t know exactly how you do it, but in our family, we have a queue for the kids and a queue for the grownups and we each rate our own stuff. We also have a thingy at the beginning of getting onto Netflix where you choose to either be on the kid or the parent account.

Just doing something like that could save you a lot of exposure to his stuff.

 

[Xantippe]

It’s not possible to delete Netflix recently watched history.

But it is possible to segregate the Netflix accounts so that family members don’t stumble across his stuff without actively looking for it, which would be a huge improvement.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

But it is possible to segregate the Netflix accounts so that family members don’t stumble across his stuff without actively looking for it, which would be a huge improvement.

 

[808Catholic]

Hello, I was told I should make a new post about this. I’d really appreciate your prayers and help with me on this topic. I’d like to know your advice on what to do.

I am a Catholic, obviously. My mother is a Catholic as well. My dad says he believes in God, but he is not religious whatsoever. I caught my father looking at porn sites and renting porn and other sexual movies on Netflix or streaming them. It has affected my relationship with him A LOT. It took me a lot of courage to go up to him and explain that I’m a Catholic and think that is wrong and how I thought that was cheating, a sin, and it was affecting my relationship with him. He replied to me saying “you don’t even know what cheating is… looking at that is not cheating.” I think it is cheating though.

I’ve cried about this situation a lot and I’ve prayed to God to help my father stay away from temptation and to not sin. I’ve also prayed to God to help my father and I’s relationship, for me not to hold anger for him doing it, and for my father to find God.

However, my father has not stopped. It hurts me. I have pain because he’s doing it, I feel like that is cheating on my mother, and I feel like he’s gonna to go Hell.
I do care about my father and hope he will not go to Hell… deep inside me I do want to see him in my afterlife. Since he has not stopped, it’s made me feel like he doesn’t care about our relationship. That even hurts more…

So, I want some direction on where to go. I’ve brought it up to him once and he hasn’t stopped and it affects me. Does anyone have advice, whether or not you’ve gone through something along the lines of this? I don’t know what to do and how to heal from it…
I keep praying, but it continues. I barely talk to my dad now. I want a better relationship with him like I do with my mom. My mom and I are so close and I love her dearly

Viewing pornography in any form is a sin because the addict removes the sanctity of the person engaged in the pornography. God created us material, intellect, and spirit. When we attempt to “remove” one of those natures, we tell God we know better than He. This happens when we attempt to commit suicide (material), take drugs (intellect), or succumb to sins of the flesh (spirit.)

While your father may not believe he is not “cheating” on your mother because there’s no real person he’s engaging in physical sex, he has broken his sacred vow of marriage that he made to your mother before God. God joined them together and “let no man separate.” That he’s not fulfilling his marriage promise is a sin.

Anything we do compulsively, such as addiction to pornography, is a form of idolatry; he’s replaced God with his addiction. (First of the 10 Commandments.)

He commits the sin of adultery since he’s married even if his adultery in mental only. If the person in the pornography is also married, he runs the risk of causing them to sin (by adultery) even if they are having on-line sex with their married partner. He could also be coveting his neighbor’s wife.

If he masturbates to the pornography, he’s commits the sin of wasting his seed knowing that his orgasm cannot produce a child. There is a Biblical story in the OT that he should read about how a man was struck dead because of his masturbation.

If he watches pornography at work (and some addictions go that far), he could be stealing from his employer.

In summary, your father knows what he’s doing is wrong or he would attempt to conceal it or justify it. As difficult as it may seem, your prayer and the prayers of your mother is the best remedy until he comes to realization that his addiction will cost him his marriage, his relationship with you (and your siblings), possibly his job, and potentially his friendships. When he hits rock bottom, God will be there to pick him up and I pray so will you and your mother.

God Bless you in these difficult times.

 

[Catholic_nicole]

@Monicad:
I think that’s a good idea for the most part and I really do appreciate your advice. If you think of it from my perspective. I wouldn’t think he would all of a sudden stop. In other words, he’s addicted, so it takes time. If he deleted history, as mentioned before I know why he did. So it’s JUST as bad as leaving it there. I don’t want him to neccesarily keep it private because if I told him that, I feel like he would accept it and just keep watching forever more. Like I said before, at the end of the day, he is my father. I don’t want him to go to Hell when he passes. I do care for him deep down, but on the surface I’m frustrated.

@808Catholic:
Thank you for your explanation of the mental, intellect, and spirit. I never thought about it that way, but you’re right! I will keep praying every day for him to stop from this tempation. I also wanted to thank you for praying for my mother and I . Especially my mom, because she deserves more than that and I don’t want her to hurt. Honestly, I’d rather hurt than her.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

I think that’s a good idea for the most part and I really do appreciate your advice. If you think of it from my perspective. I wouldn’t think he would all of a sudden stop. In other words, he’s addicted, so it takes time. If he deleted history, as mentioned before I know why he did. So it’s JUST as bad as leaving it there. I don’t want him to neccesarily keep it private because if I told him that, I feel like he would accept it and just keep watching forever more. Like I said before, at the end of the day, he is my father. I don’t want him to go to Hell when he passes. I do care for him deep down, but on the surface I’m frustrated.

Jesus wants us to live in the light by confessing our sins and opening our lives to each other. He does not want us to do this by shamelessly leaving evidence of our sins everywhere. I think your father would show moral growth if he assiduously protected you from such evidence.