Pornography - how to get help

[Stang102]

Alright, so my husband just recently told me that he thinks he needs help with his addiction to pornography. I have been looking on here for a post that applies, and most just explain how it’s a sin. The issue of understanding how it is a sin is not the problem we need help answering, we need feedback from anyone that has advice on what to do once you realize the sin and want to change.

We need help from both perspectives, from the wife’s point of view on how to help the husband, and from the husband’s point of view on how to help himself. We’ve been married for less 6 months, and this has been a problem for the last 4 or so years (I never knew). I give him so much credit for having the guts to tell me this, since I know he felt so bad and ashamed about it, but he told me he needs help. I am a catholic, and he’s learning… so God is definately growing in our lives and in our marriage and I know that is helping. But what else can we do? Are there self-help books? :takethat:

 

[firemadeflesh]

I am not married, but I think this is a thing that most men go through. It is good that your husband was able to admit to it, that seems to be the first step in getting through it, having an accountability partner is good. I know that when I struggle most I have a friend that helps me as I help him. The words of St. John Vianney seem to help me. He said something to the point of “Most demons can be cured by prayer. But some can only be cured by fasting.” My friend and I talked about this, and it seems when you have an empty stomach, it is easier to not fall into the self lust men have trouble with (masturbation, pornography). In a sense an empty stomach helps clear the mind. This is at least the strategy I have used, and it seems to work. These things will take time, like any addiction, it seems people slip, but staying accountable helps in the long run. Confession always makes me feel better too. The grace received after is enough to keep me from falling into the sin again.

 

[barryschoedel]

firemadeflesh made some helpful suggestions. I have posted about similar struggles and also have been involved in the fledgling but important Catholic purity ministry in the US to help men who believe the Church’s teachings, live a sacramental life, but nevertheless are sliding backwards or not gaining ground in their struggle with sexual compulsivity, masturbation, pornography, strip clubs, etc. Some men, with the help of an understanding confessor/spiritual director and living a sacramental life (a life of deepening union with God, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit) are able to be gradually released from this bondage. Many others, and I would say most who have a bonafide addiction will require a more explicit and focused supportive accountability community. Most men who are addicted to pornography need daily accountability with someone who can help them from a more objective perspective (so usually a family member or close friend won’t play this role). Usually they will need this for at least their first year in ‘recovery’. Depending on what diocese you are in there are various resources to both help your husband heal and also the help your marriage heal. This struggle must become synonymous with the struggle that we all are called to as Catholics, the abandonment of our old nature to the new nature in Jesus Christ. This means that in marriage both husband and wife mutually embrace the calling to chastity (as suited to the married vocation).

If you are interested or your husband is interested I can introduce you to some resources that should help get this journey started. You or your husband are welcome to email me at my Catholic Answers email and I can give more specifics on references and resources.

The fact that your husband is reaching out and admitting that he may not be able to do this on his own is the first step and is a gift from God and a calling to a life of deeper moral integrity in Him.

 

[kage_ar]

Prayer, fasting, frequent confession.

After that, let me give you a what if… what if I said “my spouse has a problem with crack cocaine, how do we deal with the problem” and you looked in my living room and there was a 24/7 crack cocaine vending machine sitting there. You’d tell me to throw that thing away!

The internet can be a great tool, it can also be a horrible thing. Get it out of your house. Donate the computer to charity, get any kind of access to the internet off your cell phones, disconnect the Cable TV. Remove these vending machines from your house.

Someday, when he has kicked this habit, you may be able to have them in the home again.

Pray, fast, confession…

 

[jemfinch]

Turn off images in your browser. Sites will look weird, but it really does work.

Years ago I used only w3m (a text-only, terminal web browser for Linux) to browse the Internet in order to break my habit.

Jeremy

 

[barryschoedel]

Turn off images in your browser. Sites will look weird, but it really does work.

Years ago I used only w3m (a text-only, terminal web browser for Linux) to browse the Internet in order to break my habit.

Jeremy

That is an excellent strategy for avoiding the ‘near occasion’ or triggers. Most folks who are addicted to pornography will get triggered by images that aren’t necessarily explicit so it is best to turn images off to reduce the opportunity of getting triggered online. Of course that won’t resolve the problem if a person also resorts to other forms of sexual acting out but it will definitely help not perpetuate the pornography habit.

 

[Highwayhound]

Alright, so my husband just recently told me that he thinks he needs help with his addiction to pornography. I have been looking on here for a post that applies, and most just explain how it’s a sin. The issue of understanding how it is a sin is not the problem we need help answering, we need feedback from anyone that has advice on what to do once you realize the sin and want to change.

We need help from both perspectives, from the wife’s point of view on how to help the husband, and from the husband’s point of view on how to help himself. We’ve been married for less 6 months, and this has been a problem for the last 4 or so years (I never knew). I give him so much credit for having the guts to tell me this, since I know he felt so bad and ashamed about it, but he told me he needs help. I am a catholic, and he’s learning… so God is definately growing in our lives and in our marriage and I know that is helping. But what else can we do? Are there self-help books? :takethat:

What types of activities do the two of you enjoy together? Could you list 5?

What allows your husband to have time to look at pornography?

The reason I ask some questions is that if both of you do something enjoyable together then that is positive time that cannot be directed towards sin. Play scrabble, pray a rosary together, go for walks, etc.

Every step in a positive direction takes one away from the negative.

God bless

p.s. a great self help book would be the Bible, maybe read it together each evening

 

[Stang102]

Well, we just got married, so we’re trying to figure a lot of that stuff out. He works 6am to 4:30 pm and I work from noon to anywhere between 6-9pm. So we work opposite shifts, but it can’t be helped. We both need a job to keep up and with this economy, there’s no way that I can find a job that is more “husband friendly.” So he has time…

But as far as what we do together… He started working within a week after we got married and moved. We were on opposite sides of the country for two years before we got married. We are figuring out how to be around each other and what we both like and dislike. But what we do in our own time… that’s hard because we don’t really get time. When I am home, I try to do what ever he wants because I know my first responsibility is to my husband. I read a book, “the proper care and feeding of husbands” and it was directed towards women and how to be better wives. That helped put things in perspective, so when he wants to do something, I am always up for it. So to me, I don’t get the “need” for it… but I guess it’s like drugs, or that’s how I imagine it.

And as much as I would love to read the Bible with him, he’s just hopping on that bandwagon. He isn’t Catholic, and wasn’t a practicing Christian. Since we’ve been married, he started going to church with me. I do think that it is helping. But it is hard getting him to seek God and find truths in scripture when he is still very much nervous and possibly intimidated about it. And I don’t want to push him… see the dilema? But he does realize it’s a sin and wants to change… and asked me for help - thus after asking him, I write this.

But know that I am so very grateful for all of your responses. He says it’s helpful to hear what all of you have to say and thanks you as well. God bless all of you!

 

[TLM08]

Alright, so my husband just recently told me that he thinks he needs help with his addiction to pornography. I have been looking on here for a post that applies, and most just explain how it’s a sin. The issue of understanding how it is a sin is not the problem we need help answering, we need feedback from anyone that has advice on what to do once you realize the sin and want to change.

We need help from both perspectives, from the wife’s point of view on how to help the husband, and from the husband’s point of view on how to help himself. We’ve been married for less 6 months, and this has been a problem for the last 4 or so years (I never knew). I give him so much credit for having the guts to tell me this, since I know he felt so bad and ashamed about it, but he told me he needs help. I am a catholic, and he’s learning… so God is definately growing in our lives and in our marriage and I know that is helping. But what else can we do? Are there self-help books? :takethat:

I think it’s almost impossible for a man NOT to look at pornography if it is available. Rare is the man who NEVER looks at it. Most good men will look at it from time to time and feel bad as a result. Us men are wired for this stuff, but it isn’t good for us. Not everybody that looks at this stuff is an addict.

If there are life damaging consequences… spending lots of money… time… loss of intimacy in marriage… losing employment as a result of porn use would be a clue. But chances are if it is casual use, he is not addicted.

The internet has changed the rules however. It is way too available and the content has gotten absolutely disgusting in many cases. It CAN become an addiction. Shame makes addictions worse. Men who are caught up in this stuff need a safe place to talk.

12 step programs for this stuff and other addictions are usually free.

 

[TLM08]

Pornography is a lot like alcohol when it comes to addiction. Most men look at it and enjoy looking at it. Some men can take it or leave it. Some men never look at it. Unfortunately there are some that become full blown addicts.

Pornography, like alcohol can destroy a marriage. But I think it’s really important for wives to keep their head if they discover that their husband has been viewing porn. The thing that men need the most is wives that they can talk to about it. The wife that blows up could easily drive a minor habit into a full blown shame based addiction.

Us men are wired a lot like dogs that cannot pass up a fire hydrant. It’s in our physical make up. This is NOT a defense of porn use. It is only scratches the surface on what makes us do that. It’s all part of our sin nature.

Women do the exact same thing… they are called romance novels and soap operas.

 

[Captain_America]

Stang: I’m impress with your can-do attitude on this. I’ve seen a lot of hard condemnation, etc., by wives who found their husband was looking, but it’s a problem that can be solved, and your husband is blessed (and will be immeasurably helped) by having your positive support and active involvement. You can do it.