Possible bad situation

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Mapper71

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Many of you have given me advice about my mother and my relationship with her. If you don’t know my deal, read the paragraph below to see my dilemma.

My Mom is 76 and has had pretty healthy physicals up until this year. She has had blood in her urine for years but the doctor didn’t seem too concerned. Now she was told that she has even more blood in her urine and she is scheduled for a CT scan this Friday and then to see a urologist a few weeks later. I am so afraid she will be diagnosed with something serious like cancer. What will I do if that’s the case? I have plans to move out to be with my fiance in April. we have been long distance for over 3 years. He has moved out of his house and is staying with a friend for a few months until we get a house. If I can’t move out there then what? Do I continue living apart from him, watching my life pass me by (I’m 37) and hope that maybe when I’m 40 I can start having the life I want? take the chance that he’ll break up with me because I won’t move out there because I need to be with my Mom? Postpone marriage until my Mom dies? What do I do?? I feel like the burden is totally on me.

I am 2 weeks away form turning 37 and I still feel like my Mom has such a hold on my life. I am one of 2 kids and my sister lives about 2000 miles away and we haven’t seen her in 13 years because my Mom has a problem with her husband and my sister won’t come up because she feel unwelcome. My Dad died when I was 14 and I feel like I have been the stand in spouse since then. She wants me to go to things with her because she won’t go alone, I have to fix things for her, help her out around the house, etc. I have been dating my fiance for 4 years now and we have been long distance for 3 years. I haven’t moved to be with him because I don’t want to disappoint my Mom. I currently live about 10 minutes from my Mom and see her twice a week and talk with her every day. She depends on me for so much and is so afraid to do anything new. I know I am her best friend. She doesn’t go out and she doesn’t initiate calls to anyone. I told my mom a month ago that when my lease is up in April that I will be moving to be with my fiance, 2000 miles away. It doesn’t make sense to marry someone you only see 6 weeks out of the year. She is not happy about it but at least she’s better than she was 2 years ago when it first came up. Back then she said such hurtful things as “Is it too late for you to find someone here” “I should have had more kids so some would stick around” and “I’ll be too busy crying when you leave to do much of anything”. Those words were very hurtful to me. It seems like she wants me to give up having my own life to be with her. Now she still talks as if I’ll be here for the entire year and hasn’t said one word about me leaving. Meanwhile I’m getting quotes from moving companies, doing my resumé and looking for jobs all unbeknownst to her because she doesn’t want to talk about it. She’s capable to do just about anything she wants but fear gets the best of her and I have extreme guilt about the whole situation. She would NEVER move and she’s not to the point where she would need assisted living (she’s told me she’d rather be dead than leave her home). My question is, am I a bad daughter for leaving my 76 year old mom by herself to go and have my own life?
 
Mapper71 said:
Many of you have given me advice about my mother and my relationship with her. If you don’t know my deal, read the paragraph below to see my dilemma.

My Mom is 76 and has had pretty healthy physicals up until this year. She has had blood in her urine for years but the doctor didn’t seem too concerned. Now she was told that she has even more blood in her urine and she is scheduled for a CT scan this Friday and then to see a urologist a few weeks later. I am so afraid she will be diagnosed with something serious like cancer. What will I do if that’s the case? I have plans to move out to be with my fiance in April. we have been long distance for over 3 years. He has moved out of his house and is staying with a friend for a few months until we get a house. If I can’t move out there then what? Do I continue living apart from him, watching my life pass me by (I’m 37) and hope that maybe when I’m 40 I can start having the life I want? take the chance that he’ll break up with me because I won’t move out there because I need to be with my Mom? Postpone marriage until my Mom dies? What do I do?? I feel like the burden is totally on me.

I am 2 weeks away form turning 37 and I still feel like my Mom has such a hold on my life. I am one of 2 kids and my sister lives about 2000 miles away and we haven’t seen her in 13 years because my Mom has a problem with her husband and my sister won’t come up because she feel unwelcome. My Dad died when I was 14 and I feel like I have been the stand in spouse since then. She wants me to go to things with her because she won’t go alone, I have to fix things for her, help her out around the house, etc. I have been dating my fiance for 4 years now and we have been long distance for 3 years. I haven’t moved to be with him because I don’t want to disappoint my Mom. I currently live about 10 minutes from my Mom and see her twice a week and talk with her every day. She depends on me for so much and is so afraid to do anything new. I know I am her best friend. She doesn’t go out and she doesn’t initiate calls to anyone. I told my mom a month ago that when my lease is up in April that I will be moving to be with my fiance, 2000 miles away. It doesn’t make sense to marry someone you only see 6 weeks out of the year. She is not happy about it but at least she’s better than she was 2 years ago when it first came up. Back then she said such hurtful things as “Is it too late for you to find someone here” “I should have had more kids so some would stick around” and “I’ll be too busy crying when you leave to do much of anything”. Those words were very hurtful to me. It seems like she wants me to give up having my own life to be with her. Now she still talks as if I’ll be here for the entire year and hasn’t said one word about me leaving. Meanwhile I’m getting quotes from moving companies, doing my resumé and looking for jobs all unbeknownst to her because she doesn’t want to talk about it. She’s capable to do just about anything she wants but fear gets the best of her and I have extreme guilt about the whole situation. She would NEVER move and she’s not to the point where she would need assisted living (she’s told me she’d rather be dead than leave her home). My question is, am I a bad daughter for leaving my 76 year old mom by herself to go and have my own life?
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gee, you were two weeks away from your birthday on Dec.9 when you posted this very same thing!
I can’t think of anything new to tell you. I still think you are using your mom as an excuse to not have to move away or maybe, since I think this is the third time you have posted this, you just want the attention…
 
Will your mom be cared for? Is there a saftey net in place, someone to look in on her, to drive her places, to help out? If you cannot do it yourself, then, arrange for it to be done. Honoring your parents does not mean you have to be next door, but, that you help them live a life of dignity.

Remember, Jesus was very stern with those who did not care for their mother and father.
 
Um…no, if you read the very first line I say to read paragraph below that was posted 2 weeks ago to show what I wrote then. I didn’t phrase it the best but that’s what I meant. And now my Mom could be diagnosed with a serious disease which I didn’t know about 2 weeks ago. Thanks for the support.
happymommy said:
gee, you were two weeks away from your birthday on Dec.9 when you posted this very same thing!
I can’t think of anything new to tell you. I still think you are using your mom as an excuse to not have to move away or maybe, since I think this is the third time you have posted this, you just want the attention…
Click to expand...
 
No nothing has been spoken of that because nothing has been diagnosed as of yet. She is a very proud person though and would not like to be cared after by others. She feels she is capable of doing things herself even though she seems to be afraid of practically everything.
kage_ar said:
Will your mom be cared for? Is there a saftey net in place, someone to look in on her, to drive her places, to help out? If you cannot do it yourself, then, arrange for it to be done. Honoring your parents does not mean you have to be next door, but, that you help them live a life of dignity.

Remember, Jesus was very stern with those who did not care for their mother and father.
Click to expand...
 
Mapper71 said:
Um…no, if you read the very first line I say to read paragraph below that was posted 2 weeks ago to show what I wrote then. I didn’t phrase it the best but that’s what I meant. And now my Mom could be diagnosed with a serious disease which I didn’t know about 2 weeks ago. Thanks for the support.
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I’m sorry your mom is sick and maybe I wasn’t very nice, for that I am sorry. I’ll have to go back and reread your other thread, but if I remember correctly you didn’t really want to take anyones advice then. I guess I have trouble seeing you taking it now.
Again, I’m sorry your mother is sick. I hope she gets the care she needs.
 
I’ve got nothing to advise about your situation, because I’m having a bad day and am not thinking well.

But I can tell you that bladder cancer is not serious, and very curable. My mother had it, at about the same age as your Mom.

Praying for the three of you,

Ruthie
 
I cared for my elderly mother the last 2 years of her life. She was 82 when she died, but had been in declining health for several years. The last year was not fun.

She lived at home and my nephew moved in with her the last year of her life to make sure she was attended to.

At 76 your mother will have various ailments from time to time. Alot of these issues she will never get over, but instead you and her doctors will have to manage.

I’m not optimisitc your mother will listen nor is concerned about your life. Just how it is. At that age they often set in there ways and have their own perceptions. My mother confided in me we were going to leave her, despite all my reassurances we wouldn’t.

I don’t really have any advice, because I fear telling you wrong. I can see how torn you are in your post. It would be nice if you had some help from your sister.

To me, moving her out there with y’all is the thing to do. But you say she’s never gonna do that.

Next thing is a long talk with your fiance, asking for more time, and understanding. If I’m in his shoes, love you to the point of marriage, I’d give it. Because I’ve been around a lap or 2, I know giving a ultimatum is not fair. Lets say she does leave her mother to come with me, and the mom dies soon after or even later. Am I going to risk her resenting me for making her leave her mother?

I guess the next thing is he willing to come there to live? That might be impossible given the job market, but you never know till you try.

Good luck and pray for guidance. Trust in Him. If you decide to stay with your mother, because God told you, and lose your fiance in the process, I’m confident He will take care of you.
 
I know that for me I would never be able to leave my 76 year old mother alone if she was already dependent on me. I don’t know what you should do. I think the best thing would be for your fiance to try to find a job near you.
 
You are not willing to take any of our advice and post the same thing over and over. I don’t understand what you want from this board.

Move if that is what you want to do.

If it turns out that your mother is ill, that doesn’t automatically mean she will need full time care or that she will not be able to take care of herself. If she does need care you can *temporarily *go stay with her.

There is a difference between putting your life on hold and responding to a real issue when it arises. Go about your life.

Do not speculate on what might be wrong with your mother. Make your plans and deal with an illness if and only if one actually occurs.

And, I have to agree that you seem to constantly use your mother as an excuse for why you are 37 y.o. and unable to have a life. I’m starting to think it’s you and not your mother that is holding you back.
 
No you are not a bad daughter… You are living your own life and that’s something you need to do… If you are truly happy with your current living situation then please continue living with your mother… otherwise move on… As long as you can find her a place that will take care of her you did your part. Keep in contact with her as much as possible and always be there for her but you need to move on!!! GOD BLESS and good luck!
 
Continue with your plans. Contact your sister and split the cost of in-home care for your mother.

Visit every now and then, like most 37 year old children would do. Be cheerful and loving during the visits. Then leave and go live your life. Call every week.

Your mother is using emotional manipulation to keep you there and herself comfortable. You have allowed her to get away with it for many years. The reason you have done that has to do with you, not her.

My Dad lives in the next town over from his 80 year old mother. She has had many health problems and has had to depend on my dad alot. She also is very independent. She lives in her own home, and my dad in his home with his wife. They are always there and ready to help, but my grandma doesn’t want her son to give up his life in order to be available to her. She is a healthy mother with respect for the rights of her child. Your mother is not healthy (emotionally) and has no respect for your rights. She guilt trips you to get you to do what she wants.

In the end, this is not really about her. You refuse to leave because she will guilt you. You accept her guilt trip, even though it is not justified and you know it. You also fear she will badmouth you to others and they will believe her. So you stay because you are too afraid to face what others will think of you if you move out. This is all about preserving your image and how you look to the rest of the family. You are the patient martyr, giving up everything for her mother. Oh what a good daughter! But no one really thinks that about you. They probably think you are a fool for letting her control you for so long. And if you moved out, they would probably all be saying, about time she got her own life! Good for her. And if they don’t say that, if they pick up your mom’s guilt trip and try to lay it on you, they THEY are the ones with a problem, not you!

We are obligated to honor our parents and to make sure they have what they need, in the way of food, heat, clothing, shelter, and medical care. But we are not obligated to personally provide all those services ourselves. It is OK to hire help for your mom and to have a more normal mother-daughter relationship with her. It’s OK for you to act like an adult with her own life.

If you do, be prepared for your sister to be angry. She probably has been very happy to let you take the whole burden, and if she has to take on part of it, she may not react well.
 
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