Possibly returning to civil marriage-advice needed for recent revert

  • Thread starter Thread starter nora_b
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
N

nora_b

Guest
I am a revert to the faith. I am recently separated from my non- Catholic (Protestant background) husband. We have been civilly married for over 15 years. Because we are living apart and not engaged in conjugal relations and I went to Confession and came back to the faith, I have been receiving the Eucharist. The complication will be: what if I return home as my husband very much wants. We would have to have our marriage convalidated-he knows that would be a condition and there are complications of his two previous marriages requiring annulment that could take some time. (mind you-this is something he ultimately previously was unwilling to do when I wanted to return to the faith but it is not at all the reason for our marital problems). So clearly if I went home in several months-I’d have to tell my husband that I can’t resume “relations” until convalidation, and frankly who knows how long that could take.
The other thing is, I may return to my marriage more out of a sense of duty and obligation and history. I love him but don’t have the same feelings of love for him and I really don’t want to stay married, yet I feel horrible and selfish after having this history to just say I’m done I want a divorce for sure. I’m deeply unhappy and scared that even if I try to work on our marriage while being separated and then move home, that when I get home I am going to be sorry, because things were really not good for a long time and just had gotten to a head leading to the separation. (too long to explain, but much of the time we have been unhappy and there have been some very ugly times ). He just is persistent now in trying to reconcile, yet same time he also says he would allow a divorce. I just am afraid I would feel the guilt forever but then if I stay married will I be a bitter resentful person or luck out and there be a big miracle and it becomes wonderful and I’m in love again and it becomes a Catholic marriage and everything is roses. Or is it okay for me to acknowledge that the thought of returning to my marriage (invalid in the eyes of the Church for now) terrifies me and that I want to proceed with a divorce. (do you hear the despair in me) Ought I just suck it up, go through the annulment process and then convalidation process and get intensive counseling and try to make myself fall back in love with him? And exactly how do I convince him of “no conjugal relations” until then as I somehow don’t see that flying with him since he would think if we’re back together then relations should be back on the table. Or I’ll have to put my faith into the back seat again and not be able to take communion which will really hurt me as for the first time I was able to after all these years being in actual good grace. I am so happy to be back to the faith and receiving communion again, but this is the most miserable I have ever been in my entire life. I need to make a decision. I appreciate the feedback.
 
I would talk to a priest. If your ‘marriage’ to this man is indeed invalid, I would seek an annulment from him. I also would cut all communication with him until you know for a fact the status of your marriage.

Come judgement day ‘We had a history’ is no excuse for a sin
 
Come judgement day ‘We had a history’ is no excuse for a sin

I appreciate the feedback on that, and I definitely agree that returning to a civil marriage and resuming conjugal relations is living in a state of sin. If I returned, my intent would be that my marriage be convalidated and therefore a valid, Catholic marriage so that I am NOT living in a state of sin. My point was that despite the problems, he still has done a lot for me, and I don’t just dismiss the last 15 years as if they were nothing and I am mindful of that, but again I would sure as heck make this marriage VALID if I do return, and I am at a point where I need to make a decision soon and start thinking about how to address the no conjugal relations part which would come up. Same time-I’m also ambivalent and unsure-I admit that. I’m worried about returning out of a sheer sense of feeling obligated. And again-I’d still turn that into a valid Catholic marriage even if it’s just me feeling obligated. If I do end up getting divorced-from what I understand, I would not need an actual annulment. It would be a lack of form case since the marriage is invalid to begin with. It’s HIS prior Non Catholic but considered valid marriages that would have to be annulled for he and I to then have OUR marriage convalidated.
 
I would go speak to your priest to find out if your marriage is valid or not. If it is not (and it sounds like it isn’t based upon what you have described) then I wouldn’t attempt to move home and reconcile UNLESS AND UNTIL he receives the necessary annulments for his previous marriages and agrees to do a period of marriage counseling. I do not think it is right to make an attempt to reconcile before you even know if he is free to marry you in the Catholic Church.

If he cannot agree to wait to receive the annulments necessary, and then do the marriage counseling, then it would be returning to living in sin with him if you attempted to move home and reconcile. And that is true even if he does not insist upon resuming marital relations, because cohabitation with someone who is not one’s lawful spouse is something that the Church teaches us we must not do.

And most importantly, cling to your faith and the sacraments as you navigate this chapter of your life. Whether you ultimately decide to wait for the annulments and work towards reconciliation, or accept a civil divorce and move on without your partner, God will give you the strength and graces you need to live according to His will.
 
jmjZelie said:
I would go speak to your priest to find out if your marriage is valid or not. If it is not (and it sounds like it isn’t based upon what you have described) then I wouldn’t attempt to move home and reconcile UNLESS AND UNTIL he receives the necessary annulments for his previous marriages and agrees to do a period of marriage counseling. I do not think it is right to make an attempt to reconcile before you even know if he is free to marry you in the Catholic Church.

If he cannot agree to wait to receive the annulments necessary, and then do the marriage counseling, then it would be returning to living in sin with him if you attempted to move home and reconcile. And that is true even if he does not insist upon resuming marital relations, because cohabitation with someone who is not one’s lawful spouse is something that the Church teaches us we must not do.

And most importantly, cling to your faith and the sacraments as you navigate this chapter of your life. Whether you ultimately decide to wait for the annulments and work towards reconciliation, or accept a civil divorce and move on without your partner, God will give you the strength and graces you need to live according to His will.
Click to expand...
Hey thanks there:
I was in the process of replying as you were posting: Thanks so much!
You might already have noticed one of your points addressed, but I already know that my marriage is not valid. Counseling is something that would be on the table for sure and I would not be moving back in just yet. But I still fear that he would want me to move in while the tribunal investigations were underway for his annulments which who knows how long that could take. Trying to make people who did not have to conform to this before suddenly have to could be an undertaking. Granted right now we are not being intimate, but our separation has only been about 6 weeks or so. My fear again in all of this is that I am not sure what I really want. I don’t want to reconcile and feel I’ve made a mistake and I don’t want to divorce and feel I’ve made a mistake either. But things did not get to this point in a day either. And amidst this tension and stress I am drawing on my faith and The Church again.
 
Then in this situation, I think waiting on the annulments, IF the tribunals determine his previous marriages were indeed invalid, is the prudent course of action.

It would be unwise to proceed with marriage counseling or any other attempts at reconciliation such as moving home, if you do not even know whether or not he is free to marry.

This is not to discount the history or the promises that you have between you. Rather, it is out of concern for your souls, both yours and his.

Once you know that he has received both decrees of nullity for his previous marriages (if they are granted), then reconciliation would be possible to attempt. This waiting period would also help you to discern whether or not you even CAN reconcile with him.

I hope that helps. This is a tough situation. If any of my advice sounds poor for your situation or if it contradicts what a good and holy priest tells you to do, then disregard what I have said. God bless you.
 
In your current state, I do not recommend you pursue convalidation. I am not convinced you would be giving valid consent. This is something to talk over with your pastor.
 
1ke said:
In your current state, I do not recommend you pursue convalidation. I am not convinced you would be giving valid consent. This is something to talk over with your pastor.
Click to expand...
By this, do you mean you think I am too emotionally uncertain to be making this decision?
 
nora_b said:
Or is it okay for me to acknowledge that the thought of returning to my marriage (invalid in the eyes of the Church for now) terrifies me and that I want to proceed with a divorce. (do you hear the despair in me)
Click to expand...
Yes it is okay.

It takes someone mentally healthy and whole to join with someone else mentally (and dare I say spiritually?) healthy and whole to form a healthy and whole marriage.

I’m not saying one or both people need to be perfect - we never, ever are. No one is.

But (imho), you need to know who you are and be happy and confident in yourself before you can have a successful relationship with another (and that goes for them as well).

And it certainly doesn’t sound like you’re in a place of peace where you can thoughtfully and lovingly consider whether this relationship is something intended by God to benefit you both.

So, if he wants to pursue an annulment, that is up to him. If his calls make you happy, take them. If not, close them off - at least for now.

Become the very best YOU, you can right now - physically, mentally, and spiritually. Pray for him and for yourself and let some time go by and listen for guidance from God.
 
1ke makes an extremely wise point, as usual.

Since your marriage is not valid, a convalidation would actually be the true beginning of a marriage, and it requires full consent at the time of making your vows in the Catholic Church. It is not based on the fact that you made vows 15 years ago. It requires new consent, after your civil spouse is declared free to marry.

Based on what you are saying here, it is hard to see how you could fully consent, which would mean that you still wouldn’t have a valid marriage.

But of course, most importantly, your pastor, who has the charism of the care of souls, can help you discern this and understand the moral reality of the various decisions that are possible in your situation.
 
jmjZelie said:
Then in this situation, I think waiting on the annulments, IF the tribunals determine his previous marriages were indeed invalid, is the prudent course of action.

It would be unwise to proceed with marriage counseling or any other attempts at reconciliation such as moving home, if you do not even know whether or not he is free to marry.

This is not to discount the history or the promises that you have between you. Rather, it is out of concern for your souls, both yours and his.

Once you know that he has received both decrees of nullity for his previous marriages (if they are granted), then reconciliation would be possible to attempt. This waiting period would also help you to discern whether or not you even CAN reconcile with him.

I hope that helps. This is a tough situation. If any of my advice sounds poor for your situation or if it contradicts what a good and holy priest tells you to do, then disregard what I have said. God bless you.
Click to expand...
Yes indeed-it’s very tough. It’s about our souls but people don’t always think about that part or believe it like Catholics do. I am not a fortune teller but I do know enough about him to be reasonably certain to guess that he is not likely to quite be terribly willing to wait for me to move back in until after the degrees of nullity are granted as that will be a much longer process. (assuming they are that is). In the meantime it’s not like I’d be moving immediately home right now either though. I have been caving in every time telling him there is hope for a reconciliation and I just did it again now on the phone because I just couldn’t bear the guilt. He pressed me for an answer. Divorce or move back in with him in a few months and work toward reconciliation and I caved as I always do when he ends up doing this. He always says he would work with a divorce too but I say baloney-and I just can’t take it. He asked me to let him know at the end of the day and he said -you didn’t leave me a message yet that you chose me. So come on-what else is he really saying-that he doesn’t want to hear the other answer. I honestly don’t know what to do. So now am I going to have to bear that cross perhaps and really do it and try to make myself fall back in love and try to get him on board with staying apart until the degrees of nullity go through-maybe somehow I can do that who knows and get things straightened out, gosh I don’t know-but if we fork out money for the annulments, involve his former wives through letters, and THEN I end up deciding NO-I don’t want to be married to you DUDE, wouldn’t that be just downright awful and CRUEL?
 
nora_b said:
-I don’t want to be married to you DUDE, wouldn’t that be just downright awful and CRUEL?
Click to expand...
You don’t want to be married to him. You are not currently (validly) married to him.

So stop with the nonsense.

He is emotionally blackmailing and manipulating you right now to do something you don’t even want to do.

Move on. Get counseling if you must to see this destructive pattern for what it is.

I have no idea why you feel “guilty” except that he has had years to wear down your ability to see and think clearly. Stay away and get counseling.

No it would not be “awful and cruel” it would be HONEST.
 
Honestly if you are unsure if you want to continue the relationship, I would give yourself the time to figure it out at a pace that is comfortable for you. If during that time (while living apart) he wants to begin the annulment process, then so be it. I think you should work with a spiritual director, priest, or therapist (or all 3) to really figure out your needs. Then, if you decide you still want to consider staying with your husband, continue the process with him as well.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top