Long and short of it is, my conversion (which is always ongoing of course) came just under 3 years ago when I had an abortion and was totally devastated and driven to my knees because I didn’t want to in the first place. I’m 22 now, and recently got involved with a Catholic gentleman where we both were looking for spouses and we were getting along so well and it seemed like this amazing, divine-order, perfect fit. When he heard I had an abortion he flat out said that he did not feel comfortable with someone who had an abortion carrying his child and that was pretty much the end of it. I am so hurt and distraught, because although I did a terrible thing, I am sorry for it and live with the pain every day and can’t change it. I know I can’t and don’t want to make this man be with me if he doesn’t want to, but gosh, can I have some assurance in knowing that’s not a sound Catholic attitude on his part? My faith is number one and am as real and devoted as any could be. The abortion kills me everyday, and I did it under immense pressure and fear, and for someone to just say, “Sorry nope, you had an abortion, done.” is so hurtful and makes me so sad. I understand it might be too much for some people but I guess I’m just looking for some kind words. I don’t know. Anything anyone could add with regards to new points I haven’t thought of or support would be of so much help and I would appreciate so much.
God bless you and your baby in heaven. I am very sorry that on top of the pain you already carry you’re now carrying an additional and unwarranted hurt from somebody who couldn’t see past one (repented and forgiven) mortal sin in your past to the person you truly are.
No, Catholic teaching is not “If you have had an abortion, no Catholic man will ever want you.”
Suppose that this young man had once been pressured into drinking and driving, and crashed with the resultant death of a passenger. Suppose he lives with this pain every day, has made his peace with the victim’s family, done whatever deemed legal restitution, and a couple of years later, meets a young woman and talks of marriage. Would he be hurt if she said, “Oh, I could never imagine marrying a man who killed somebody while driving drunk, I couldn’t trust him not to do it again?” I think he would.
He might say, “Yes, I know it was a terrible thing, but I have paid the price, I have confessed, I have been forgiven. Why can’t you forgive me if everybody else has?”
Unfortunately some people are not spiritually mature. Your young man may not have made his ‘big mistake’ yet. Rest assured that if he is like 99% of humanity --he will. If he is ‘lucky’ he’ll make the mistake and not get ‘caught’ and not have it be a daily reminder. Maybe he’ll have a sexual sin and justify it because "It was only once and nothing came from it’. . .as if that made it ‘all right’. Maybe he’ll be really good at justifying why HIS particular mortal sin isn’t as bad as
other people’s mortal sin, and still feel free to go on judging.
Or maybe he’ll be one of the people like you who **learn from their errors and become more Christ-like. **
Remember that St. Paul said that God’s strength is made perfect in our weakness. Just your recognizing that you were indeed weak, and your giving that weakness over to God and relying on Him instead, makes you strong in Him. Your sorrow and pain aren’t empty – you have learned from it how to be more caring, more responsible, and much less likely to be coerced into sin again.
I feel sorrier in a way for the young man for in dismissing you for such a reason he is the one who is the loser. You, on the other hand, are in a way better off without someone who would be so judgmental instead of being supporting and caring. If the young man is that judgmental about your past, any error you made in the future would probably be treated with the same kind of self-righteous dismissal.
I also encourage you, if you haven’t done so already, to get in touch with the fine people at Rachel’s Vineyard who can help so much with people who are dealing with post-abortive loss.
Again, God bless you. May He send you a young man who will go along with you as a helper and a friend in your journey with Christ on earth and may you find love and joy now and always.
