Post breakup advice

[tearsdontfall]

Well, this might be long so bear with me…I’m a seventeen year old guy and looking for advice on how to deal with a recent break up. I’m over the “heartbroken” stage, but I’m still a little wounded and am struggling to find reason, to find purpose, and to find God through all of this. When we met, it was a “love at first site” type of thing. Our personalities matched, we were both very attracted to each other, and we hit it off pretty much immediately. Our relationship was fantastic for a couple months even though we weren’t able to see each other as often as we would have liked because she lives a couple hours away. Still, it was so incredible and amazing because for the first time in my life I felt like I was truly in love. I had found someone that absolutely adored everything about me, and I felt the exact same way about her. She was gorgeous, funny, kind, caring, loving, and all in all pretty much perfect. I know that I’m still very young, but I would have been 100% happy spending the rest of my life with her.

 As is often the case with me, good things don’t tend to last. Even though we tried to be pure, we are both the fun-loving, live-in-the-moment type people. We both felt strongly that marriage was the only place for sex, so we never did that and it was rarely ever a temptation because we had both agreed that that was off limits. However, we did a lot of other things that violated purity and that I now feel really guilty about. We were both equally responsible (sometimes it was her teasing and initiating things, sometimes it was me…), but I still feel a lot of guilt because I should have been stronger and been able to do better. Pretty soon, our relationship started causing problems with our parents, and we got in trouble for breaking a number of their rules, and all this sin, stress, and turmoil with us and our families resulted in one enormous fight during which I told her that I hated everything about God and said some really nasty things about her own father. Of course I never meant one word that I said, but it still hurt her and I feel terrible for what I said to this day. I apologized and things were alright for another couple weeks or so, but then she went on a retreat and decided to break up with me when she came back. It broke my heart, but at the same time I thought that it was for the better because I felt (just as she did) that we weren’t ready for a relationship, that we needed to make things right with God, and that we needed to focus on our families. 

 Sure enough, things we working out well and I thought that we had rebuilt our relationship over the two month period that followed. We were best friends and our relationship was beginning to show signs of romance again. She said she wasn’t ready yet, but she reassured me that she wanted to be with me and she promised that she would wait for me and me only. Soon after, she told me that she loved me and that we would be together soon. We started acting like a couple again in the way we talked to each other and in the way we acted. It was all going perfectly and I was happier than I had ever been. Then after yet another retreat, she came back and was really distant with me and constantly pushing me away. But this time there was no reason for it. There were no problems and our relationship had been almost perfect for a while (no fights, great times, and only one little slip up…). She stopped telling me she loved me, she said she wasn’t ready for any of those feelings yet, and that she was committed to God and her family for the near future. Ok, that was a little confusing and disappointing for me, but I understood. However, a week or so later she says that some guy from the first retreat was going to ask her out. Another week later after swearing that she wasn’t ready for a relationship she started dating him, and we stopped talking and have had no contact since.

 I felt really hurt and betrayed. I realize that a lot of what happened was my fault and that this is what I should have expected because of the things I did and how I acted towards God. But I was working hard to be better and thought I was going to get another chance, but then it all got taken away from me. She had basically gotten back together with me and brought back all those feelings and hope of a relationship, only to rip them right out of my heart and then give her love to someone else so suddenly. I had always been there and had done so much for her, but then she used me for a while and then literally dumped me right out of her life over night. I’ve learned a lot of good lessons and am closer to God now than ever, but I still am emotionally confused over everything that happened and what to expect in my future. I loved her and I thought she was the "one"...

 

[Julia_Mae]

 I felt really hurt and betrayed. I realize that a lot of what happened was my fault and that this is what I should have expected because of the things I did and how I acted towards God. But I was working hard to be better and thought I was going to get another chance, but then it all got taken away from me. .

This is not about fault. At all. It’s about change. People change very much during these years. You both felt something honestly for one another. These feelings changed for her. This is just a normal progression. If your feelings had changed and hers stayed the same, you would have left.

God doesn’t “reward” you with a relationship or punish you by taking one away. You cannot control the other person and the way they feel. Feelings change. You will find that all this fairly rapid change stops around age 25-ish.

So, what did you learn fro this relationship for your next one? That first strong attraction does not mean a long-term stable relationship. That the newness can wear off and problems set in. That it takes a long time to get to know one another and be sure of any long-term commitment.

No one did anything wrong that made the relationship stop. It just is what it is and it’s time to move on.

 

[Nimzovik]

Go break up somebody else’s relationship. You will feel better. Why should you be the only miserable person?

Oh wait… That is the ‘Old Me’ Talking.

Scratch that previous advice.

 

[ConstantineTG]

Just move on.

That is my experience. I wallowed too much in past relationships that sometimes it took months or in some cases, years. Of course it is easy for me to say now looking back on it, but really just get yourself to move on. It is not the end of the world. That fear just comes from uncertainty, but if you pray and trust in God, there is nothing to fear.

 

[LaMusicaSenior]

Well, this might be long so bear with me…I’m a seventeen year old guy and looking for advice on how to deal with a recent break up. I’m over the “heartbroken” stage,

You are (just like me) at a stage in your life (17 years old) where you aren't mentally, physically, financially, and spiritually ready to get married.  So why stir up love before it's time?

timeonthemountaintop.blogspot.com/2012/10/how-long-do-i-wait-because-right-thing.html (<---- blog post I wrote on this only about two days ago.)

Pretty soon, our relationship started causing problems with our parents, and we got in trouble for breaking a number of their rules, and all this sin, stress, and turmoil with us and our families resulted in one enormous fight during which I told her that I hated everything about God and said some really nasty things about her own father. Of course I never meant one word that I said, but it still hurt her and I feel terrible for what I said to this day. I apologized and things were alright for another couple weeks or so, but then she went on a retreat and decided to break up with me when she came back. It broke my heart, but at the same time I thought that it was for the better because I felt (just as she did) that we weren’t ready for a relationship, that we needed to make things right with God, and that we needed to focus on our families.

 Right now, her father is her protector in this life.  That protection will lessen when he gives his daughter away in marriage.  By not respecting her father, you didn't show her that you respected his guidance in her life.  
 Perhaps her retreat experience led her to the conclusion that she is to focus on becoming the best version of herself - and at her age she is called to a current vocation of a daughter who respects her parent's wishes and focused on becoming a Godly woman.  
  Both of your conclusion (taking time to focus on God and family) was a very mature decision.  Good for both of you!

Soon after, she told me that she loved me and that we would be together soon. We started acting like a couple again in the way we talked to each other and in the way we acted. It was all going perfectly and I was happier than I had ever been. Then after yet another retreat, she came back and was really distant with me and constantly pushing me away. But this time there was no reason for it. There were no problems and our relationship had been almost perfect for a while (no fights, great times, and only one little slip up…). She stopped telling me she loved me, she said she wasn’t ready for any of those feelings yet, and that she was committed to God and her family for the near future.

Your relationship will be a reminder of how far you’ve gone. This is going to be fresh forever. So she sepreates herself from you to not be reminded. All dating is (when not set up as a precurrsor for marrage) is an emotional training for marraige and breaking up. Emotions like this aren’t supposed to be dealt with at 17. God gives you these emotions and entrusts you with them to get ready to prepare for marriage, not to act on when you aren’t ready.

 I felt really hurt and betrayed. I realize that a lot of what happened was my fault and that this is what I should have expected because of the things I did and how I acted towards God. But I was working hard to be better and thought I was going to get another chance, but then it all got taken away from me. . I’ve learned a lot of good lessons and am closer to God now than ever, but I still am emotionally confused over everything that happened and what to expect in my future. I loved her and I thought she was the "one"...

Your feelings aren’t bad! They just are hard to deal with since you brought them about in the wrong time and context.

If you are being called to the vocation of marriage, then somewhere out there, God preparing a young woman to be your future bride. Just like He is preparing you to be a future husband.
(from my point of view:
Right now, as a high school senior, I don’t need my future husband to be my boyfriend. I want him to be a mature, young, Catholic man who is able to utilize the blessing of the season of singleness to prepare to be a Godly husband and father.

 On the other hand, I don't want or need to be some guy's girlfriend.  I need to be a mature, young, Catholic woman who is able to utilize my blessing of being a single person so that I can prepare to be a Godly wife and mother.  

 With both of us working towards preparing our hearts for the other, how awesome is it going to be when God brings us together   Both of us will be prepared mentally, physically, financially, emotionally, and most importantly, spiritually for each other!

  With a courting relationship, we can enter into a discernment of marriage together with eternity in mind.  When you put your future relationship in the light of this, having a guy to hold your hand and take you out to a movie just for the sake of having a boyfriend seems unnecessary, especially at this point in my life.

 The Bible tells us that there is a season for everything.  Right now, there is a calling to a season of singleness   Being single isn't a disease - it's a beautiful gift in which we can use our "lesser restrictions" to give more time to glorify God in a way we won't be able to do so again in our lives.

 

[Joe_5859]

Welcome to CAF!

You’ve already been give some great advice, which I just want to affirm. I know that “time heals all wounds” is a pretty cliche thing to say, but it really does hold true in most cases. The pain does lessen in time. Recommitting yourself to God and to prayer will help move the healing along even more quickly.

I think it’s fruitless to analyze why she may have done what she did at the end there by starting up with that other guy and cutting off communication. You will never know what was going through her mind and trying to figure it out will only impede your ability to move forward.

In my experience, it is extremely difficult to remain “just friends” after a break up. There’s almost always the hope from one party that the break up is only temporary. I’ve seen a lot of people waste a lot of time and tears by going down that road. After a break up, you really need time apart to get used to life without the other. Only after a significant period of time apart is it possible (though still diffiicult) to be friends again. I think you should take as a blessing the fact that communication has ceased. It is an opportunity for you to move forward.

Keep praying. God will get you through.

 

[RPRPsych]

 The Bible tells us that there is a season for everything.  Right now, there is a calling to a season of singleness   Being single isn't a disease - it's a beautiful gift in which we can use our "lesser restrictions" to give more time to glorify God in a way we won't be able to do so again in our lives.

Very sound advice. While cultural norms about love, dating and marriage (now gaining currency in the East as well!) can lead us to view a single life as unsatisfactory, it can actually be a blessing. OP: there’s a lot of freedom that you have right now, and you have the opportunity to make the most of it, in a way that’s pleasing to God and your fellow men.

And believe me when I say you’ll move on at the right time. I know may seem like the end of the world right now, but when God closes a door, it’s perhaps because you haven’t reached the right destination yet, and there’s a better, open door, waiting for you somewhere.

Here’s a song that helped me years ago, when I was going through something rather similar (professionally, rather than personally; but to us nerds, that’s almost the same! )

youtube.com/watch?v=sNjUxpsABY4

 

[chevalier]

Well, young sir, it certainly is not your fault that your now ex-girlfriend went out with a guy a week after saying she wasn’t ready. Like Julia Mae said, that happens quite often. It’s probably not the girl’s fault, either, although it doesn’t make her the most reliable person in the world for it. If it was so easy for her to go out with a guy just after breaking up with you/saying she isn’t ready for a relationship, then it must have been somewhat shallow before, so it’s not like you’re losing a serious relationship that had good perspectives.

Also, when girls say they aren’t ready for a relationship, sometimes they mean it but they change their minds when they meet another guy, and sometimes they just don’t know how to say they don’t want a relationship with you without offending or hurting you. And sometimes they’re simply clueless about their own feelings. I’m not saying men are better, I’m just stating a fact.

It gets better with time! Trust me, I’ve been there. Those things hurt and sometimes you remember them for a long time and it takes a long while before you’re fully at ease, but life goes on. So, forgive her for the changing and move on.

 

[sicutincensum]

I feel your pain, I really do. We have a lot in common, really. I can relate so much with what you described. I am 24, and I had 3 serious relationships, one which was not far from formal engagement, so I feel I may have something to share about this.

**First: **It’s hard to believe, and it’s even a bit humillating to hear this, I know, but when you’re 17 you still have so much to learn, even if you are very mature, as you surely are. I am seven years older (I cannot believe this! It seems my teen years were yesterday) and I still feel I have so many things to learn, particularly in this field.

I used to believe that marrying early was good - and it might be, take no offense you that might have married early - but I don’t anymore. We live in a confusing world, and we are, unfortunately, not as mature as many previous generations were, due to many factors. We tend to leave home much later (especially in Southern Europe, where I live), as unemployment is high, jobs are unstable, etc.

So, thank God you don’t have to take this huge responsibility so early in life, and take the chance to learn.

**Second: **Learning. Some things weren’t perfect in that relationship. Don’t stress too much about this, just ask forgiveness, go to confession if it need be (you surely did that already) and LEARN from it. It’s no surprise that you messed up, we usually fail, just improve and do your best next time. Do not hit yourself over this. No, losing her is not God’s punishment because of these mistakes, He is simply carrying on His plan. Trust Him and don’t worry.

Think of specific things that went wrong, investigate the causes and draw a realistic plan to avoid them in the future. Do you have a Spiritual Director or a regular Confessor? You should.
**
Third:** My best advices for overcoming that pain. Well, myself I haven’t yet overcame completely the pain due to the break-up of my last (and devastating) relationship, but here’s some advice nevertheless: go on a retreat, go out, make friends, make girl friends, talk to other girls, know other girls, do not use them, though. Also, avoid commiting immediately if you feel attracted, you should give it some thought before. Practice sports. Have I said: “go out?”. You really must. Have some fun, and pray, also, pray always! Pray for me and for all of us

 

[tearsdontfall]

Hi everyone thanks for the wonderful advice. It really means a lot to me and I’m grateful for the support. This relationship was really special to me and its tough adjusting without it. Obviously, there’s a reason for everything, it’s just tough to see that immediately. It was pretty serious and I thought I found someone that truly loved me. I’m just hoping and praying that God takes care of me and makes this all work out for the best.

 

[tearsdontfall]

I feel your pain, I really do. We have a lot in common, really. I can relate so much with what you described. I am 24, and I had 3 serious relationships, one which was not far from formal engagement, so I feel I may have something to share about this.

**First: **It’s hard to believe, and it’s even a bit humillating to hear this, I know, but when you’re 17 you still have so much to learn, even if you are very mature, as you surely are. I am seven years older (I cannot believe this! It seems my teen years were yesterday) and I still feel I have so many things to learn, particularly in this field.

I used to believe that marrying early was good - and it might be, take no offense you that might have married early - but I don’t anymore. We live in a confusing world, and we are, unfortunately, not as mature as many previous generations were, due to many factors. We tend to leave home much later (especially in Southern Europe, where I live), as unemployment is high, jobs are unstable, etc.

So, thank God you don’t have to take this huge responsibility so early in life, and take the chance to learn.

**Second: **Learning. Some things weren’t perfect in that relationship. Don’t stress too much about this, just ask forgiveness, go to confession if it need be (you surely did that already) and LEARN from it. It’s no surprise that you messed up, we usually fail, just improve and do your best next time. Do not hit yourself over this. No, losing her is not God’s punishment because of these mistakes, He is simply carrying on His plan. Trust Him and don’t worry.

Think of specific things that went wrong, investigate the causes and draw a realistic plan to avoid them in the future. Do you have a Spiritual Director or a regular Confessor? You should.
**
Third:** My best advices for overcoming that pain. Well, myself I haven’t yet overcame completely the pain due to the break-up of my last (and devastating) relationship, but here’s some advice nevertheless: go on a retreat, go out, make friends, make girl friends, talk to other girls, know other girls, do not use them, though. Also, avoid commiting immediately if you feel attracted, you should give it some thought before. Practice sports. Have I said: “go out?”. You really must. Have some fun, and pray, also, pray always! Pray for me and for all of us

Yes I have been going out as often as possible and actually have made several really good new friends over the past month. I really feel grateful because I know God put several new relationships in my life right when I needed them and it has helped so much. I’ve even met a few very attractive girls that I really like. I think right now its best I remain single, but it’s just good to meet some great girls that I could see myself with later on.

 

[tearsdontfall]

Well, this might be long so bear with me…I’m a seventeen year old guy and looking for advice on how to deal with a recent break up. I’m over the “heartbroken” stage,

 

[ucla2013]

Excellent advice. Praying for you :getholy::angel1::byzsoc::grouphug:

Thank you for coming here and taking the time to share your story. Please be assured of my prayers.

First of all, in my opinion there are times when people greatly minimize the pain that people go through when they are teenagers in relationships. It is easy to say “move on” and that you are young, however those feelings can be extremely intense and having someone break up with you at 17 can be a crushing experience. I am saying this because if you are sad you are NORMAL…if you are crying you are NORMAL…if you have times when you don’t think you will ever meet anyone again you are NORMAL. Jesus loves you so very much, he has known from all eternity that you would be going through this breakup and he will give you what you need.

Sometimes pain is not something we can avoid, sometimes pain is something we have to go through. When you find yourself sad or down you can offer up your pain and suffering as a prayer to Jesus. Take your sorrow to him he will help you carry the cross.

Take time to rest, get some extra sleep if you can (without withdrawing completely from your family of course). Right now you are healing, and a person that is healing whether it be from a cold, the flu or emotional pain needs extra rest. Sounds silly but also make sure you are getting plenty of vitamins and fresh air, emotional pain can really take a toll on us physically so make sure you take extra care of yourself it will help the healing process.

Lastly, God bless you and Praise God that you were able to be in a relationship without sexual intercourse! This is amazing in this day and age! Clearly you are a young man of remarkable character and faith, someone like you I beleive is someone that God has huge plans for! God bless you and please take care as best as you can.