Post-confession, priest avoids me

[DHC1Chipmunk]

Hello, I hope this is not redundant, a few years ago I made my first confession to a visiting priest, as this was the practice then in our church. This priest comes for a few months each year to our church from India, and he is a mature and well-educated man. In my first confession with him, I confessed something that made him visibly recoil from me (our church has us confess face-to-face with the priest). Ever after, he has either backed away from me or avoided eye contact with me. The thing I confessed is something that I’ve had a very hard time forgiving myself for, and this priest’s attitude toward me exacerbates this problem. I don’t want to tattle or complain to our pastor, with whom I have a good relationship which includes regular confession. Am I doing the right thing by ignoring the visiting priest’s attitude toward me?

 

[WT1]

I think you are doing the right thing by ignoring the situation. Also be mindful that sme of this might be you projecting on the priest (no judgement just a potential scenerio). Honestly I’ve had some misunderstandings in the confessional with Indian priest where the language barrier was an issue and I’m not 100% sure they totally understood what I was trying to communicate.

Best course of action is to take this head on and engage the priest in other conservation (maybe a question about his homily) and let him get to know you outside the confessional.

All of this will go away.

 

[DHC1Chipmunk]

I think you are doing the right thing by ignoring the situation. Also be mindful that sme of this might be you projecting on the priest (no judgement just a potential scenerio). Honestly I’ve had some misunderstandings in the confessional with Indian priest where the language barrier was an issue and I’m not 100% sure they totally understood what I was trying to communicate.

Best course of action is to take this head on and engage the priest in other conservation (maybe a question about his homily) and let him get to know you outside the confessional.

All of this will go away.

Thank you. I haven’t tried very hard to engage him; I just kind of go away feeling bad when he rejects me. The only contact I’ve had with him in the few years since my first confession has been a few times after Mass when we parishioners line up to thank the priest on our way out. One time he practically ran away from me (backwards!) which really hurt my feelings and made the nearby people raise their eyebrows. I will pray for him and his ministry and try to engage him when he returns next year. I understand that he’s human, and maybe he’s just truly horrified at what I confessed and can’t separate me from what I did, and that’s okay, I guess I expect priests to be perfectly charitable while I know this is an unreasonable expectation.

 

[dshix]

OP, the situation you describe tells me that this priest is not acting in a mature manner. His behavior as you describe it is absolutely inappropriate.

The problem is that you can’t change people. You can’t help them grow in maturity unless you have some sort of influence over them. Unfortunately for this priest, he’s now in a position that there are few people who can correct him.

I, if in this position, would ignore it and go on with my life disregarding any inappropriate behavior this priest has around me. If you want to do something, the only thing I can suggest is to share your experience with your pastor.

 

[RPRPsych]

Hello, I hope this is not redundant, a few years ago I made my first confession to a visiting priest, as this was the practice then in our church. This priest comes for a few months each year to our church from India, and he is a mature and well-educated man. In my first confession with him, I confessed something that made him visibly recoil from me (our church has us confess face-to-face with the priest). Ever after, he has either backed away from me or avoided eye contact with me. The thing I confessed is something that I’ve had a very hard time forgiving myself for, and this priest’s attitude toward me exacerbates this problem. I don’t want to tattle or complain to our pastor, with whom I have a good relationship which includes regular confession. Am I doing the right thing by ignoring the visiting priest’s attitude toward me?

Yes, you are.

Remember that priests are human too.

Also, remember that cultural factors could be influencing his response. We Indians can be very straight-laced about some things.

As long as he has absolved you, you are forgiven. How he chooses to behave later is his own decision. Let him be, and pray for him. Being “Another Christ” can be quite hard sometimes.

 

[LaetenturCaeli]

Also, there might be other reasons that can account for his behavior.

Maybe you remind him of someone he used to know but who’s been gone for many years.

 

[DHC1Chipmunk]

OP, the situation you describe tells me that this priest is not acting in a mature manner. His behavior as you describe it is absolutely inappropriate.

The problem is that you can’t change people. You can’t help them grow in maturity unless you have some sort of influence over them. Unfortunately for this priest, he’s now in a position that there are few people who can correct him.

I, if in this position, would ignore it and go on with my life disregarding any inappropriate behavior this priest has around me. If you want to do something, the only thing I can suggest is to share your experience with your pastor.

Thank you. I was feeling unsure about whether I should say anything to my pastor, and I continue to lean in the direction of not doing so. I appreciate your response.

 

[DHC1Chipmunk]

Yes, you are.

Remember that priests are human too.

Also, remember that cultural factors could be influencing his response. We Indians can be very straight-laced about some things.

As long as he has absolved you, you are forgiven. How he chooses to behave later is his own decision. Let him be, and pray for him. Being “Another Christ” can be quite hard sometimes.

Thank you for your response and viewpoint. Indeed I was concerned during my confession that I had somehow offended this priest, albeit unintentionally, and now he’s stuck with his own (bad!) first impression of me. He’s a wonderful priest and our parish loves him - he just doesn’t seem to like me, and really I guess that’s got to be okay, for now anyway.

 

[WT1]

Thank you. I was feeling unsure about whether I should say anything to my pastor, and I continue to lean in the direction of not doing so. I appreciate your response.

Yeah don’t involve the other priest, if you need closure then ask for a meeting with the priest and tell him how you feel. I’m pretty sure the two of you can work this out and chances are high this is a misunderstanding.

God bless.

 

[DHC1Chipmunk]

Also, there might be other reasons that can account for his behavior.

Maybe you remind him of someone he used to know but who’s been gone for many years.

Isn’t that the truth…how many times I’ve thought I understood someone’s action or reaction only to learn that I was off by miles.

 

[RPRPsych]

Thank you for your response and viewpoint. Indeed I was concerned during my confession that I had somehow offended this priest, albeit unintentionally, and now he’s stuck with his own (bad!) first impression of me. He’s a wonderful priest and our parish loves him - he just doesn’t seem to like me, and really I guess that’s got to be okay, for now anyway.

Reminds me of some fun times at confession - I’ve confessed some pretty bad things and got off scot-free, but once when I confessed to making fun of our parish priest to an elderly confessor (Indian, of course!) he got rather angry and handed me 20 Our Fathers as penance. (5 is the “standard” )

 

[Neithan]

Hello, I hope this is not redundant, a few years ago I made my first confession to a visiting priest, as this was the practice then in our church. This priest comes for a few months each year to our church from India, and he is a mature and well-educated man. In my first confession with him, I confessed something that made him visibly recoil from me (our church has us confess face-to-face with the priest). Ever after, he has either backed away from me or avoided eye contact with me. The thing I confessed is something that I’ve had a very hard time forgiving myself for, and this priest’s attitude toward me exacerbates this problem. I don’t want to tattle or complain to our pastor, with whom I have a good relationship which includes regular confession. Am I doing the right thing by ignoring the visiting priest’s attitude toward me?

Don’t worry; you’re forgiven, absolved, be at peace. I think you’re doing the right thing but if it continues to be obvious and bothers you, maybe try to meet with the priest and bring it up.

Your story illustrates another reason I prefer to confess behind the screen - it provides some separation and helps me realize that I’m actually confessing to Christ, not just to the priest. Some anonymity can also make it less awkward for the priest, I’d imagine.

One time I went to confession twice in the same week at the same parish. On the second day, the confessor (who was also the pastor) recognized me outside the confessional waiting. He walked by me and said, sternly, “Again!?” That got me some strange looks!

 

[ChurchSoldier]

Wouldn’t worry about it.

 

[Dorothy]

Don’t worry; you’re forgiven, absolved, be at peace. I think you’re doing the right thing but if it continues to be obvious and bothers you, maybe try to meet with the priest and bring it up.

Your story illustrates another reason I prefer to confess behind the screen - it provides some separation and helps me realize that I’m actually confessing to Christ, not just to the priest. Some anonymity can also make it less awkward for the priest, I’d imagine.

One time I went to confession twice in the same week at the same parish. On the second day, the confessor (who was also the pastor) recognized me outside the confessional waiting. He walked by me and said, sternly, “Again!?” That got me some strange looks!

Priests are fallen humans like ourselves. They can forget and say things they shouldn’t. It can be humiliating to us. We may have done the same to others.

We all need to pray for priests! They are on a spiritual journey like we are.

 

[R_H_Benson]

Another example of why the confessional screen is beneficial for both priest and penitent.

 

[phil19034]

It also could be that he feels ashamed of his “recoil” during your confession, which might be the real reason for his behavior.

Pray for him and I’m sure he’s praying for you.

God Bless

 

[acadiANNA]

Make this about you and God. The Priest, in the confessional, gave you absolution. Only God knows why he is keeping his distance. Ask God to give you the grace to forgive him if he is indeed shunning you and the grace to move beyond this slight. Do not make his actions affect you. When you do see this Priest again, remove any thought of what has happened in the past. Praying for you to have peace of mind. God bless.

 

[Kay_Cee]

Obviously this is causing you some pain and distress.

I had a similar situation in which a religious (in this case, a nun) was not only treating me poorly but doing it in front of other people. Here’s a short blog post on how I learned to deal with it: reflections911.wordpress.com/2016/05/27/as-we-forgive-those-who-trespass-against-us/

 

[RPRPsych]

Another example of why the confessional screen is beneficial for both priest and penitent.

Doing away with it was not a good idea.

 

[DHC1Chipmunk]

Thank you to everyone who responded. You’ve given me encouragement and some good topics to consider. I plan to pray for this priest and his ministry, and reach out when he returns, perhaps simply by attending one of the classes he typically offers during his visits. You all have been so helpful. Thank you again.