Post-confession, priest avoids me

[babochka]

Doing away with it was not a good idea.

As far as I know, it has not been done away with. Confession behind a screen is available in every Latin-rite church I’ve ever seen.

 

[babochka]

I have talked with priests that have told me that with all sincerity, they forget what they hear in confession. Even face-to-face confessions. Think about this: even information that you have to remember such as directions to a place or information for a test you have to TRY to memorize it and remember it! How would you like to try and memorize 50-100-1000 confessions when you don’t have to?

This is also what I’ve been told. Even if they remember specific sins, they never associate them with specific people. There are just too many people.

 

[RPRPsych]

As far as I know, it has not been done away with. Confession behind a screen is available in every Latin-rite church I’ve ever seen.

It’s never been “officially” done away with. However, there is a pesky thing known as “the spirit of Vatican II”

 

[Dmitri77]

I don’t know what the typical practice is in Catholic churches in India but the priest may not be used to having confession face to face instead of in a confessional. That could be a factor.

 

[RPRPsych]

I don’t know what the typical practice is in Catholic churches in India but the priest may not be used to having confession face to face instead of in a confessional. That could be a factor.

Hmm, all the churches I’ve been to have used a confessional. I’ve never made a face-to-face confession in my life.

 

[Dmitri77]

Hmm, all the churches I’ve been to have used a confessional. I’ve never made a face-to-face confession in my life.

Well I’ve never been in a confessional. I’ve often wondered if it is really anonymous. Especially if you are confessing to the same priest often.

 

[babochka]

Well I’ve never been in a confessional. I’ve often wondered if it is really anonymous. Especially if you are confessing to the same priest often.

No, it isn’t really anonymous and that isn’t really the point of the screen. The only truly anonymous confession is to confess to a completely unknown priest.

 

[Dmitri77]

No, it isn’t really anonymous and that isn’t really the point of the screen. The only truly anonymous confession is to confess to a completely unknown priest.

The only person I will confess to is my spiritual father. He already knows how bad I am.

I would be embarrassed to confess to anyone else.

 

[Joy2day]

Thank you. I haven’t tried very hard to engage him; I just kind of go away feeling bad when he rejects me. The only contact I’ve had with him in the few years since my first confession has been a few times after Mass when we parishioners line up to thank the priest on our way out. One time he practically ran away from me (backwards!) which really hurt my feelings and made the nearby people raise their eyebrows. I will pray for him and his ministry and try to engage him when he returns next year. I understand that he’s human, and maybe he’s just truly horrified at what I confessed and can’t separate me from what I did, and that’s okay, I guess I expect priests to be perfectly charitable while I know this is an unreasonable expectation.

See the priest is actually guilty of detraction of your reputation by publicly snubbing you and suggesting you are of questionable character to other people watching. He has done this even though words have not been used. He has done this by his actions, & needs to make amends to you. If he doesn’t, unfortunately he is not following Christ.

 

[Joy2day]

Obviously this is causing you some pain and distress.

I had a similar situation in which a religious (in this case, a nun) was not only treating me poorly but doing it in front of other people. Here’s a short blog post on how I learned to deal with it: reflections911.wordpress.com/2016/05/27/as-we-forgive-those-who-trespass-against-us/

Have you inflicted that much pain & distress on someone else?

 

[Dmitri77]

Have you inflicted that much pain & distress on someone else?

I imagine most of us have inflicted a lot more pain and distress than we realize. Lord have mercy.

 

[Kay_Cee]

Have you inflicted that much pain & distress on someone else?

Not in so dramatic a fashion and certainly not over an extended length of time. However, often with a careless word I’ve hurt someone else’s feelings. And I am culpable for that.

 

[twf]

IF the OP is indeed correct and the priest is visibly and deliberately snubbing him, even to the point of dramatically backing away and raising the attention of others… IF this is truly the case, it isn’t just a matter of “priests are imperfect” as noted by other posters. Would that not be a violation of the seal? Priests are not to acknowledge what has been to confessed to them by word or deed… They are to act as if they heard nothing at all.

 

[Don_Ruggero]

See the priest is actually guilty of detraction of your reputation by publicly snubbing you and suggesting you are of questionable character to other people watching. He has done this even though words have not been used. He has done this by his actions, & needs to make amends to you. If he doesn’t, unfortunately he is not following Christ.

Personally, I find this response horrifying. “Actually guilty of detraction.” “Suggesting you are of questionable character.” These are extreme assertions to make against a priest you do not know based solely on the little information that has been supplied. To then say that “he is not following Christ” is, actually, beyond the pale.

You are basing judgment – and that is what you have done – on what objective criteria, since we have only the writer’s subjective interpretations?

There are many occasions when I have backed away and even dramatically from a person who, for example, intrudes into my personal space or touches me. There have been many occasions when I have turned and quickly left a gathering of people – either because I needed to do something or the priest celebrating the next Mass is waiting for the vestment I am wearing. In such a circumstance, I have no idea – nor do I care particularly – how someone might ascribe to themselves a gesture or a departure that really had nothing to do with them at all.

There are also, of course, people who do approach that, for whatever reason, I don’t want to talk to, at least in that moment, and I will announce: “I need to go. Good bye.”

Thank you. I haven’t tried very hard to engage him; I just kind of go away feeling bad when he rejects me. The only contact I’ve had with him in the few years since my first confession has been a few times after Mass when we parishioners line up to thank the priest on our way out. One time he practically ran away from me (backwards!) which really hurt my feelings and made the nearby people raise their eyebrows. I will pray for him and his ministry and try to engage him when he returns next year. I understand that he’s human, and maybe he’s just truly horrified at what I confessed and can’t separate me from what I did, and that’s okay, I guess I expect priests to be perfectly charitable while I know this is an unreasonable expectation.

I am retired now but over the years that I was an academic, I would go as a priest to help out in a parish where my languages could be of use and near where I might be giving a series of lectures during a semester break/over the summer or where I might be doing research…perhaps very like the situation you describe.

Firstly, I don’t understand why you think that, as you write, a confession which happened “a few years ago” is the only possible cause of the priest’s behaviour now or, for that matter, why you wish to pursue and gain the attention of a priest who has demonstrably shown you he does not wish to give you his attention…for whatever reason.

On the one hand, priests hear many confessions over the span of a year, let alone over the span of a number of years. We also are formed in excluding knowledge from the internal forum from our comportment in the external forum.

With that as a preface, when I was a visiting priest, I did not have the cura animarum for the people of the parish I was visiting as the parish priest did, which gave me much greater freedom and latitude in terms of how I related to those people. The parish priest, for example, would need always to say “yes” when someone needed an appointment to discuss something. He had the care of their souls. As a visiting priest, I was always free to say “no”.

I helped in terms of the sacraments and the taking of hospital calls to help out, according to the terms of what I had agreed to with the bishop and the parish priest – but then it was my choice about who, if anyone at all, I related with in the parish.

There were times when my schedule was so full of what had brought me to that area that I did not even greet anyone after Mass nor did I make any time for any socialising. I am sure there were those who thought me anti-social. Of course, being in that parish was not the reason I was in the parish…I was there to accomplish my task while trying to be of help to brother priests who could use a hand, such as I could manage to give.

Other situations, I did have time and would choose to associate with this person or this family…but not that person or that family.

I also remember times when I have been in places where there were people I consciously did not wish to associate with for any of a variety of reasons. On the other hand, there were persons that I would say, for example, “it would be wonderful to have a chat about X in your field since I am writing on Y” and they were the ones who had either no time or no interest. That is life.

I can add from my own experience that if someone were trying to ingratiate themselves when I have indicated by overt means that the extent of my contact was a nod of the head and a “How do you?” all that such behaviour is going to succeed in doing is prompting me to avoid contact even more with said person. I always found a person trying to force their attention to actually be the most off-putting of all.

 

[PelagiathePenit]

Hello, I hope this is not redundant, a few years ago I made my first confession to a visiting priest, as this was the practice then in our church. This priest comes for a few months each year to our church from India, and he is a mature and well-educated man. In my first confession with him, I confessed something that made him visibly recoil from me (our church has us confess face-to-face with the priest). Ever after, he has either backed away from me or avoided eye contact with me. The thing I confessed is something that I’ve had a very hard time forgiving myself for, and this priest’s attitude toward me exacerbates this problem. I don’t want to tattle or complain to our pastor, with whom I have a good relationship which includes regular confession. Am I doing the right thing by ignoring the visiting priest’s attitude toward me?

Well what else can you do? I think you are doing the right thing as of now.

 

[Graceful_Lamb]

Personally, I find this response horrifying. “Actually guilty of detraction.” “Suggesting you are of questionable character.” These are extreme assertions to make against a priest you do not know based solely on the little information that has been supplied. To then say that “he is not following Christ” is, actually, beyond the pale.

You are basing judgment – and that is what you have done – on what objective criteria, since we have only the writer’s subjective interpretations?

I completely agree with Father regarding this.

 

[PelagiathePenit]

I hate to say this. Sometimes you and a priest will not get along. I had a former priest I honestly just did not like. He rubbed me the wrong way. I thought he was too harsh or too loving for my liking, depending on the day. I followed what he said. I guess this is why I do not like getting all “buddy” “buddy” with people in church. They have human failings which can be disappointing. The current priest in our parish is not particularly friendly - English is 3rd language. I like him. He keeps his distance from most people. No hugs, just handshakes.

 

[acadiANNA]

I would like to see you work on not getting your feelings hurt if the priest ignores you. Do not take it to heart. It may not have anything to do with you but with him. There is little you can do to change the situation, so just accept it. And pray for him. Sometimes we get caught in similar situations trying to find a solution and it ends up being a trap you can’t get out of. Put your thoughts and energies into something productive. Ask God to bless him. Pray the Serenity Prayer. I will be praying for you.

 

[pianistclare]

There were times when my schedule was so full of what had brought me to that area that I did not even greet anyone after Mass nor did I make any time for any socialising. I am sure there were those who thought me anti-social. Of course, being in that parish was not the reason I was in the parish…I was there to accomplish my task while trying to be of help to brother priests who could use a hand, such as I could manage to give.

I can add from my own experience that if someone were trying to ingratiate themselves when I have indicated by overt means that the extent of my contact was a nod of the head and a “How do you?” all that such behaviour is going to succeed in doing is prompting me to avoid contact even more with said person. I always found a person trying to force their attention to actually be the most off-putting of all.

Yes.
I suspect there’s a bit of these two things going on.