O
OurLadysServant
Guest
Joke 1;
I thought satellite tv was going to be free when they said it would be “on the house”
I thought satellite tv was going to be free when they said it would be “on the house”
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J
John_Lazarus
Guest
In a religion class, Sister asked the children to draw something from the Bible. One liitle boy drew a boat with some stick animals on it, and told Sister it was Noah’s Ark. One little girl drew a small man standing over a larger prone man saying, “Ow”; she said it was the fight between David and Goliath.
Sister praised their efforts in turn, until she came to little Billy’s picture: an airplane with four little faces in the window.
Puzzled, she said, “Billy, what Bible story is that from?”
Billy rolled his eyes and said, “Can’t you see? It’s the flight into Egypt. See, there’s Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus.”
Suppressing a smile, Sister asked, “And who is this fourth person up front?”
Billy scoffed, “Don’t you know? That’s Pontius the pilot.”
Sister praised their efforts in turn, until she came to little Billy’s picture: an airplane with four little faces in the window.
Puzzled, she said, “Billy, what Bible story is that from?”
Billy rolled his eyes and said, “Can’t you see? It’s the flight into Egypt. See, there’s Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus.”
Suppressing a smile, Sister asked, “And who is this fourth person up front?”
Billy scoffed, “Don’t you know? That’s Pontius the pilot.”
B
book_and_bead
Guest
Judas Asparagus, a perennial favorite!
A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. This is amazing and should bring tears of laughter to your eyes. Here is what was written:
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says,’The Lord thy God is one,’ but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, ‘Give me a light!’ and someone did.
Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden……Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy,but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice,bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.
Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor’s stuff.Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more:Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies.Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David…He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise,but that doesn’t sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, ‘Close the door! Were you born in a barn?’ It would be nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’)
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans.
Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.
But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. This is amazing and should bring tears of laughter to your eyes. Here is what was written:
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says,’The Lord thy God is one,’ but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, ‘Give me a light!’ and someone did.
Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden……Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy,but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice,bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.
Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor’s stuff.Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more:Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies.Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David…He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise,but that doesn’t sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, ‘Close the door! Were you born in a barn?’ It would be nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’)
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans.
Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.
But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
T
Tomdstone
Guest
Q: Why are atoms Catholic?
A: Because they have mass.
A: Because they have mass.
G
GEddie
Guest
Descartes was in a bar at closing time.
The barkeep asked if he’d like one for the road.
Descartes said “I think not”
…and at once went POOF!!!
The barkeep asked if he’d like one for the road.
Descartes said “I think not”
…and at once went POOF!!!
G
grasscutter
Guest
A Priest a Rabbi and a Minister walked into a bar.
The bartender said, “what is this, a joke?”.
The bartender said, “what is this, a joke?”.
B
Beryllos
Guest
My friend Fred, he knows everybody, and everybody knows him.
Fred knows Tiger Woods, even beat him at golf once in high school. For what it’s worth, Woods says he let Fred win.
Fred met President George W. Bush at a campaign rally back in '04. Now Mr. Bush treats Fred like a nephew.
Fred even knows Pope Francis. Fred and I were at St. Peter’s Square when Francis was elected. Somehow we got separated, and in that crowd, how could I ever find him?
No worries, though.
Everyone started to cheer. An Italian guy tapped me on the arm, pointed up to the balcony, and asked:
“Who is that man in the white robe… standing next to Fred?”
Fred knows Tiger Woods, even beat him at golf once in high school. For what it’s worth, Woods says he let Fred win.
Fred met President George W. Bush at a campaign rally back in '04. Now Mr. Bush treats Fred like a nephew.
Fred even knows Pope Francis. Fred and I were at St. Peter’s Square when Francis was elected. Somehow we got separated, and in that crowd, how could I ever find him?
No worries, though.
Everyone started to cheer. An Italian guy tapped me on the arm, pointed up to the balcony, and asked:
“Who is that man in the white robe… standing next to Fred?”
R
robertericleech
Guest
Two Irishmen were walking down the street and saw a sign on a post which said, “Tree Fellers Wanted.” One turned to the other and said, “If Seamus was here, we could get that job!”
Y
ynotzap
Guest
A six year old boy heard his grandpop and grandmom arguing. Grandpop walked away in a grumpy mood. Grandmom said something under her breadth, and the little boy heard it. He ran to grandpop and asked, “Grandpop can you make a noise like a frog? " Grandpop said “Why son?” The boy said " Because grandmom said when you croak we are all going to Disney World!”
I
Isca
Guest
So it turns out Santa really doesn’t get on with the penguins.
Yeah, they’re polar opposites.
Yeah, they’re polar opposites.
T
Tomdstone
Guest
A Catholic mother was with her Catholic child and met a Methodist minister at the mall. The Protestant minister was wearing a Roman collar. The child said: “Hello, Father.” The mother took the child aside and said, “He is not a Father. He has three children.”
G
GEddie
Guest
Some nuns were being followed by an unsavory young male.
The older nun turned and yelled:
“STOP young man!!! Sister Helene here knows karaoke and she’ll USE IT!!!”
The older nun turned and yelled:
“STOP young man!!! Sister Helene here knows karaoke and she’ll USE IT!!!”
Y
ynotzap
Guest
A drunk was showing a friend his bed room. He spotted a gong in the corner of the room. He said to the drunk, “What is that?” The drunk responded. “My clock”. the friend said “How do you tell time, it has no numbers or hour and minute hands? The drunk picks up a hammer and hits the gong making a horrendous noise. A neighbor sticks his head out his window and yells " It’s three o’clock in the morning you idiot!”
G
GEddie
Guest
Q: Did you hear about the Texas Aggie who won a gold in Rio?
A: He was so proud he had it bronzed!
A: He was so proud he had it bronzed!
D
Daniel1982
Guest
A Higgs boson particle walks up to a Priest and says, “You know, you couldn’t have mass without me.”
G
GEddie
Guest
Cop: “Professor Heisenberg, do you know how fast you were driving?”
Heisenberg: “No, Officer, but I know exactly where I am!!!”
Heisenberg: “No, Officer, but I know exactly where I am!!!”
S
Sarcelle
Guest
I think I’ve mentioned this joke here in this forum, but I think it deserves repeating.
Keep in mind, this takes place before digital cameras became popular.
A photojournalist goes to a haunted castle to photograph a ghost that only appears once every seven years.
The ghost makes its scheduled appearance and it proves to be quite friendly. It even agreed to pose for a photograph.
The next day, the delighted photographer, tries to develop the film but found to his dismay that it was underexposed.
Lesson of the story?
The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.
Keep in mind, this takes place before digital cameras became popular.
A photojournalist goes to a haunted castle to photograph a ghost that only appears once every seven years.
The ghost makes its scheduled appearance and it proves to be quite friendly. It even agreed to pose for a photograph.
The next day, the delighted photographer, tries to develop the film but found to his dismay that it was underexposed.
Lesson of the story?
The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.
- Status