Postpartum depression

[UbiCaritas]

I had PPD badly after DD was born two years ago. I thought I wouldn’t have to deal with it this time. This time, I got help, I talked to DH, I got on antidepressants, which I’ve been taking faithfully every day since DS was born two months ago. Things are better than they were after DD, but not by a huge amount. I’m depressed, but at least I’m not suicidal.

I had a C-section with DD. I had hoped for a VBAC with DS, but when he hadn’t come after his due date passed, I had a C-section with him, too. Probably a good thing–from what my OB said, he wouldn’t have likely survived a vaginal birth, either; he had a short cord wrapped tightly around his neck a couple of times.

However, those C-sections have left my uterus thin and scarred. My OB (who is pro-life, pro-big-family, the works) says I can have one more kid, and after that, “we’ll see.” With another pregnancy, I have an increased risk of placenta accreta (where the placenta grows into/through the uterine wall, causing hemorrhage and possibly a hysterectomy) and uterine rupture. I am not a candidate for a vaginal birth for those reasons.

I can’t breastfeed. I just don’t produce much milk, and as long as I lactate, I’m sick all. the. time.–mastitis, pain, abscesses, the works.

All I can think of is what a failure I am. Nothing about my body works as its supposed to. I can’t have the big family DH and I wanted. I can’t breastfeed. Because of my body, we’re facing decades of extremely strict NFP. Can’t even space kids with breastfeeding to give us a year’s respite. And on top of it all, even when I do everything “right”–take antidepressants, eat well, exercise–I’m apparently pretty badly depressed for a year after each baby. Bonus points for the fact that my antidepressant causes weight gain: I’m creating a 700+ calorie deficit via diet and exercise nearly every day, but the weight’s not budging except to creep upward, albeit very slowly. Bloodwork’s normal; it’s the meds.

My in-laws value education and having a big family over nearly everything else, and not only did I go to a bad school and get a pretty silly (in retrospect) degree, I can’t even have more kids. I’m not sure I’m willing to risk getting pregnant again if I have this level of PPD with treatment. Now that we’ve had a boy and a girl, everyone will assume that I’m on birth control if we don’t have more. I’ve already been told by one “friend” that by having my kids via C-section, I’m not “really open to life.”

I’m miserable, discouraged, and desperately need…I don’t know what. Kind words? The promise that in another 8 months, I’ll probably feel better? I know my worth doesn’t depend on my body’s abilities or education or appearance, but in this family, they really seem to. I’m not even 30, but I feel like I’ve failed at life.

Right now, I’m holding onto the promise of going back to school next semester. I can’t wait for that.

 

[pensmama87]

I’m so sorry. It stinks to deal with these kinds of thoughts.

God’s plan will become clear in time. Take it one day, hour, minute at a time. You have friends here, and we are praying for you. :hug1:

 

[heidi_storage]

You said it. Your value is NOT in how well your body works.

It is also not in what sort of school you went to.

Right now, your perspective is clouded. You seem to know this, and that’s good. I know it’s not making the bad feelings go away, but you know, in some part of your mind, that your feelings are not representing reality to you.

Hang in there. Talk to your doctor, try a different medication or talk therapy, do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. Be assured of our prayers.

(And on a minor note–in industrialized countries, the benefits of breastfeeding are VASTLY oversold. The research is plagued with serious confounders. Also, it stinks that c-sections may limit your family size, but you are being an AWESOME mom by delivering your child in a manner that gave your baby the best possible chance at a healthy life.)

 

[Convert_in_99]

I totally understand where you are coming from. I’ve battled severe mental health issues all of my life. We didn’t have the big family we wanted. Most people assumed we didnt want kids. I get asked often. Now that I’ve had the hysterectomy people question my motives behind it, if I had a serious enough reason, my age, why we didn’t have kids first, etc. Just today at my checkup the X-ray technician thought I had it just to sterilize myself! :roll-eyes: I have also been given the grief by people over my miscarriage. That I had a D&C, was my baby really dead, why didn’t I miscarry naturally, etc.

I have no degree, I have no job, I am physically and mentally capable of very little. I will have to be dependent on others and provided and cared for by others for the rest of my life. My husband has a degree but has to work long hard hours six to seven days a week just to cover my medical care needs. We have hardly any time together, and “marital activities” are rarely on the list. I spend most of my life alone right now, no family with eight hours, very few friends, and only one that checks up on me, but lives too far to visit. There is seemingly no end in sight.

I attend mass on Sundays alone as my husband is Protestant. I’m the only person in both of our families who is catholic. All the Catholics my age are busy having families so I don’t really fit in anywhere.

Yeah…I totally get where you are coming from. It sucks! :console:

 

[Irishmom2]

Dearest UbiCaritas,

I am so sorry that you are going thru all of this. So many things are going on in your life right now. But you know what, it sounds to me like you have a lot of things under control. As you said, you are depressed, but not suicidal. Thanks be to God for that.

Having the C section this time seems like it was a blessing in disguise. Thanks be to God for that as well!

What I see in you, is a woman who knows herself. You know what your body can and can’t do. You know know how your depression comes and goes and when you need help.

Hopefully, things will improve for you as time goes by, but what I really wanted to say to you is please, do not think of yourself as a failure in anything. You cannot help the body you were born with. You tried breastfeeding, and we’re not able to. That is no fault of yours. Lots of women can’t. Lots of women choose not to. Their kids are fine. Do not listen to anyone that tries to make you feel less anything because you did not/could not breastfeed. And the “friend” that said that you are not open to life because of a c section is not much of a friend, and honestly, talking nonsense. That is so not true it isn’t funny.

As far as your in laws values, they need to butt out. They had their family and should not be pressuring you with their expectations for your family. Perhaps your husband can tell them himself how sensitive you are to their expectations.

I know it’s easier said than done, but you need to put family and friends that are not supportive on the back burner. You are not a failure and you are already doing so much with your life! Don’t let them get to you.

I hope that your husband is supportive of you and offers you his understanding and help.
Please know that many people will be praying for you here. Please come and talk to us whenever you need a friend.

May God bless you and guide you.

 

[Convert_in_99]

You said it. Your value is NOT in how well your body works.

It is also not in what sort of school you went to.

Right now, your perspective is clouded. You seem to know this, and that’s good. I know it’s not making the bad feelings go away, but you know, in some part of your mind, that your feelings are not representing reality to you.

Hang in there. Talk to your doctor, try a different medication or talk therapy, do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. Be assured of our prayers.

(And on a minor note–in industrialized countries, the benefits of breastfeeding are VASTLY oversold. The research is plagued with serious confounders. Also, it stinks that c-sections may limit your family size, but you are being an AWESOME mom by delivering your child in a manner that gave your baby the best possible chance at a healthy life.)

This is a good post!

 

[Convert_in_99]

Dearest UbiCaritas,

I am so sorry that you are going thru all of this. So many things are going on in your life right now. But you know what, it sounds to me like you have a lot of things under control. As you said, you are depressed, but not suicidal. Thanks be to God for that.

Having the C section this time seems like it was a blessing in disguise. Thanks be to God for that as well!

What I see in you, is a woman who knows herself. You know what your body can and can’t do. You know know how your depression comes and goes and when you need help.

Hopefully, things will improve for you as time goes by, but what I really wanted to say to you is please, do not think of yourself as a failure in anything. You cannot help the body you were born with. You tried breastfeeding, and we’re not able to. That is no fault of yours. Lots of women can’t. Lots of women choose not to. Their kids are fine. Do not listen to anyone that tries to make you feel less anything because you did not/could not breastfeed. And the “friend” that said that you are not open to life because of a c section is not much of a friend, and honestly, talking nonsense. That is so not true it isn’t funny.

As far as your in laws values, they need to butt out. They had their family and should not be pressuring you with their expectations for your family. Perhaps your husband can tell them himself how sensitive you are to their expectations.

I know it’s easier said than done, but you need to put family and friends that are not supportive on the back burner. You are not a failure and you are already doing so much with your life! Don’t let them get to you.

I hope that your husband is supportive of you and offers you his understanding and help.
Please know that many people will be praying for you here. Please come and talk to us whenever you need a friend.

May God bless you and guide you.

 

[AClaire11]

I don’t want to hijack with my story, but please know you’re not alone in suddenly realizing your dreams of a big family are not to be. Or in dealing with toxic family.

 

[Xantippe]

I had PPD badly after DD was born two years ago. I thought I wouldn’t have to deal with it this time. This time, I got help, I talked to DH, I got on antidepressants, which I’ve been taking faithfully every day since DS was born two months ago. Things are better than they were after DD, but not by a huge amount. I’m depressed, but at least I’m not suicidal.

I had a C-section with DD. I had hoped for a VBAC with DS, but when he hadn’t come after his due date passed, I had a C-section with him, too. Probably a good thing–from what my OB said, he wouldn’t have likely survived a vaginal birth, either; he had a short cord wrapped tightly around his neck a couple of times.

However, those C-sections have left my uterus thin and scarred. My OB (who is pro-life, pro-big-family, the works) says I can have one more kid, and after that, “we’ll see.” With another pregnancy, I have an increased risk of placenta accreta (where the placenta grows into/through the uterine wall, causing hemorrhage and possibly a hysterectomy) and uterine rupture. I am not a candidate for a vaginal birth for those reasons.

I can’t breastfeed. I just don’t produce much milk, and as long as I lactate, I’m sick all. the. time.–mastitis, pain, abscesses, the works.

All I can think of is what a failure I am. Nothing about my body works as its supposed to. I can’t have the big family DH and I wanted. I can’t breastfeed. Because of my body, we’re facing decades of extremely strict NFP. Can’t even space kids with breastfeeding to give us a year’s respite. And on top of it all, even when I do everything “right”–take antidepressants, eat well, exercise–I’m apparently pretty badly depressed for a year after each baby. Bonus points for the fact that my antidepressant causes weight gain: I’m creating a 700+ calorie deficit via diet and exercise nearly every day, but the weight’s not budging except to creep upward, albeit very slowly. Bloodwork’s normal; it’s the meds.

My in-laws value education and having a big family over nearly everything else, and not only did I go to a bad school and get a pretty silly (in retrospect) degree, I can’t even have more kids. I’m not sure I’m willing to risk getting pregnant again if I have this level of PPD with treatment. Now that we’ve had a boy and a girl, everyone will assume that I’m on birth control if we don’t have more. I’ve already been told by one “friend” that by having my kids via C-section, I’m not “really open to life.”

I’m miserable, discouraged, and desperately need…I don’t know what. Kind words? The promise that in another 8 months, I’ll probably feel better? I know my worth doesn’t depend on my body’s abilities or education or appearance, but in this family, they really seem to. I’m not even 30, but I feel like I’ve failed at life.

Right now, I’m holding onto the promise of going back to school next semester. I can’t wait for that.

You’re doing way better than the 1916 version of you would have–she would have died, as would the babies. So, from that point of view, you’re WAY outperforming the hypothetical 1916 you.

I’m hoping your “friend” is no longer in your inner circle, but for what it’s worth, dying or having your baby die isn’t “open to life” either.

Keep talking to your doctor and your husband. You will feel better within the year–it’s just going to be a really long year for everybody.

Best wishes!

 

[Xantippe]

You said it. Your value is NOT in how well your body works.

It is also not in what sort of school you went to.

Right now, your perspective is clouded. You seem to know this, and that’s good. I know it’s not making the bad feelings go away, but you know, in some part of your mind, that your feelings are not representing reality to you.

Hang in there. Talk to your doctor, try a different medication or talk therapy, do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. Be assured of our prayers.

(And on a minor note–in industrialized countries, the benefits of breastfeeding are VASTLY oversold. The research is plagued with serious confounders. Also, it stinks that c-sections may limit your family size, but you are being an AWESOME mom by delivering your child in a manner that gave your baby the best possible chance at a healthy life.)

Yes!

 

[jane_doe]

I hear you, UbiCaritas.

When my DD was born, she had a birth defect, one that earned us a special emergency flight to a different state for treatment. We spent a months going to doctors everyday. Not sleeping right. She didn’t want to eat, was loosing wait, etc.

I felt like an absolute failure of a mother- that I had done something wrong to cause her defect. I never thought I would have issue breastfeeding-- my breasts were size I/J on my skinny little frame… but they didn’t work. I never made any milk, despite diligently spending 1 of every 2 trying to feed/pump/etc.

I can’t tell you of a silver bullet to cure your depression, cause there is no such silver bullet. You got to realize all the hormones your body had to grow the baby make the same racket going out. Your got to realize that your value as a woman is more than your ability to give birth, as is your capacity as a mother. It looks like you’re making a lot of right steps (medicine/exercise/talking/etc). Give yourself time to heal, and don’t deride yourself for being God’s marvelous daughter.

My in-laws value education and having a big family over nearly everything else…
Now that we’ve had a boy and a girl, everyone will assume that I’m on birth control if we don’t have more. I’ve already been told by one “friend” that by having my kids via C-section, I’m not “really open to life.”

Warning: bluntness coming If anyone refuses to recognize the beauty that you ARE as a daughter of God… well then that’s their sin. All you can do is forgive and pray for them.

 

[pianistclare]

Warning: bluntness coming If anyone refuses to recognize the beauty that you ARE as a daughter of God… well then that’s their sin. All you can do is forgive and pray for them.

This.
Be assured of our prayers.

 

[Allegra]

My thoughts are that you can’t possibly look at your two beautiful, healthy children and honestly believe you’re a failure.

Also, breastfeeding is overrated and in my experience, it’s much harder to read NFP signs properly while breastfeeding, while your need to delay pregnancy is more urgent post-partum. This combination results in lots of white days. So you’re probably not missing much. Lots of women’s fertility comes back even while breastfeeding.

It seems to me that you might be borrowing trouble to worry about not having a huge number of kids. Your doc said you can have one more and then evaluate whether it’s safe to have more. So, essentially you’re in the same situation as every other woman who wants to have more kids. Things can happen during any pregnancy and delivery that make it inadvisable to have another. If it turns out that one more is your limit, then the thing to do is remember that God has a plan for your family. I know how you feel a little bit because I’d love to have a large family, but my husband and I got married late and probably three is going to be the max for us. On the other hand, if things go well with our three and we can afford it, we might get to foster or adopt other kids and that’s something I’ve always been interested in.

Finally, it’s unlikely that your inlaws are judging you as much as you think they are. Meanwhile, the “friend” you mention is a sick, toxic individual and I think you should seriously reevaluate how essential she is to your life. At any rate, what she said is complete BS.

I don’t know if hearing the these things will make you feel better or not. I suspect you already know the truth of it on a cognitive level. Its the emotional level that’s the problem. Is there anything that a person can say that could get rid of depression?

 

[kptrs]

Awww, sweet Ubi, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I don’t really have any advice, but here is a big, heartfelt hug! :hug3:

 

[jane_doe]

An important thing–

You could have been proscribed too small of a dose of your medication. Antidepressants are not a one-size-fits all thing, but rather something that has to be finely tuned to the individual with close medical supervision. Talk to your doctor about what you are going through.

 

[Convert_in_99]

I’ve been thinking of you a lot! I just remembered something that may give you a bit of consolation. Saint John Paul II’s mother was only able to have three children. I don’t think we know why, but obviously it worked out awesomely for both parents and children! Also Mother Angelica was an only child. Her situation was because of abandonment from their father at a young age, but both mother and child turned out to be very holy Sisters (her mother joined Mother Angelica’s community briefly before death.)

So awesome and holy things happen in even smaller Catholic families!

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

I’m sorry you are going through this.

Please make sure you are checking in with your doctor, getting enough rest and eating correctly.Don’t feel you need to be superwoman.

I went thru PPD when I had my oldest. It was hard and lonely.

.
:hug1:

 

[UbiCaritas]

Thank you all so very much!

A poster above kind of summarized this whole situation: is there anything you can say that will make depression better? No, I suppose not. I wish! But it does help some to read your kind comments. I’m very grateful for all of them!

Right now, I’m okay. Not great, but still not at my lowest. Hanging on. Thinking back about DS’s birth. I’m not sure I can go through that again, maybe not ever. Too terrifying, too humiliating. I’m not sure if I can do this depression again either, or put DH and the kids through it. I stuffed a lot of feelings about both kids’ births for quite a while, and now I’m dealing with them. At least I don’t have to decide any of that now, though I know that until I can face another c-section, we will have to avoid. Poor DH has been awesome.

Keep those prayers coming. I’m reminding myself that I’ll feel better in about 8 months.

 

[pensmama87]

Thank you all so very much!

A poster above kind of summarized this whole situation: is there anything you can say that will make depression better? No, I suppose not. I wish! But it does help some to read your kind comments. I’m very grateful for all of them!

Right now, I’m okay. Not great, but still not at my lowest. Hanging on. Thinking back about DS’s birth. I’m not sure I can go through that again, maybe not ever. Too terrifying, too humiliating. I’m not sure if I can do this depression again either, or put DH and the kids through it. I stuffed a lot of feelings about both kids’ births for quite a while, and now I’m dealing with them. At least I don’t have to decide any of that now, though I know that until I can face another c-section, we will have to avoid. Poor DH has been awesome.

Keep those prayers coming. I’m reminding myself that I’ll feel better in about 8 months.

You will, too! It’s just so hard to wait. But you’re doing a great job, and it’s good that you can sense the ups and downs and know that they’re just part of the condition - they aren’t you.

Definitely continuing to pray. You’ve got a lot of friends here.

 

[Xantippe]

You will, too! It’s just so hard to wait. But you’re doing a great job, and it’s good that you can sense the ups and downs and know that they’re just part of the condition - they aren’t you.

Definitely continuing to pray. You’ve got a lot of friends here.

Yes!