Postpartum sex

[Galbin]

The Church is quite right to say this, but it’s still grave matter. It’s an issue that many, many people struggle with both male and female and I think it was wise of the Church to explicitly address the situation in the Catechism.

Why? Because there are many quite faithful people who still deal with temptation and falls in this arena. Her notation here, which applies mostly to priests and other ministers but also to the laity, is a good way to assure those who are struggling to be earnest in their struggle, not be so concerned that any slip will immediately send them on the express train to Hell and instead focus on God’s love for us… even as we know our own need for repentance.

Outside of the “believing in masturbation” bit, we completely concur. I readily concede that waiting weeks/months after childbirth is… um… tough. Really tough. Especially for someone like me who, yes, has struggled with sins of impurity. But it’s important to keep in mind that a) life goes on b) there will almost assuredly be a time when they can come together again and c) it’s no picnic for the wife either! Healing from childbirth, nursing a new baby all that stuff. It’s not something I would choose for myself.

As for you quest. I think ATeutonicKnight said it best. Yes, you should understand that his desires aren’t going to slack because he’s tired of dealing with kids. But he should indeed “man up.” I think communication is really important here. He might indeed be “driven mad” and physical separation might actually help him avoid temptation. I can’t possibly know if that’s true or not. But maybe it is. What I do know is that if he decides to sleep elsewhere a) he should still be committed to helping out with the kids at night and b) he needs to explicitly communicate that he’s not rejecting you, does not resent you and that he’s really and earnestly only doing it to avoid annoyance and temptation.

Hi TheBucket

Even though we disgree on some issues, I’d like to thank you for being kind and Christ-like on threads. You are the sort of Catholic I thought everyone strived to be.

I personally dread the thought of the time after childbirth (if I am ever lucky enough to conceive); however I do think it’s much worse for men. Without being graphic, I don’t wake up with swollen genitals begging to be relieved everyday the way men do. In this case though, I really, really, really feel that her husband either needs to make peace with his beliefs on sexuality OR go sleep in the guestroom.

 

[The_Bucket]

Even though we disgree on some issues, I’d like to thank you for being kind and Christ-like on threads. You are the sort of Catholic I thought everyone strived to be.

First off, I assure you that I’m plenty sarcastic and have no time or tolerance for lunacy and that plays out with a certain… um… flavor… on this forum. Second, I further assure you that I am not the kind of Catholic everyone strives to be. But I do give myself a bit of credit for trying to be that guy and moving slightly in that direction over the last couple of years. Primarily my attitude on these forums is a) cut the Puritanism and b) meet people where they are.

We definitely disagree and I, well, definitely think you are wrong because I have Church teaching on “my side.” But what good does it do if I say that in a rude or abrupt way? The goal is not to “be right” and let everyone know it. It’s to move everyone towards Christ. So then maybe there won’t ever be a “my side” or “your side” but an “our side.” I’m sure there is plenty of opportunity for you to convert my heart in other aspects of life.

I personally dread the thought of the time after childbirth (if I am ever lucky enough to conceive); however I do think it’s much worse for men. Without being graphic, I don’t wake up with swollen genitals begging to be relieved everyday the way men do. In this case though, I really, really, really feel that her husband either needs to make peace with his beliefs on sexuality OR go sleep in the guestroom.

Being the father of three and seeing my wife go through three c-sections… nope. No I would not trade it. She’s dealing with recovery from surgery, a baby constantly clamoring for her breasts, sleeplessness, general exhaustion… plus crazy hormones. I mean, she’s restricted from activity too here. Sure, in the first couple of weeks maybe there’s no desire there. But then hormones bounce around and I can tell you from experience that there is desire on her part even when she’s tired and in pain and all that stuff. And there’s nothing she can do about it either.

Men definitely are more physically needy when it comes to sex. Most of the time anyway. Always exceptions to the general rule. But I’d gladly take that annoyance for a month or two versus having all those other side effects… PLUS the frustration of unfulfilled desire. At least I can hit the gym extra hard or something to burn it off. Women post c-section do not have that luxury at all.

 

[Galbin]

First off, I assure you that I’m plenty sarcastic and have no time or tolerance for lunacy and that plays out with a certain… um… flavor… on this forum. Second, I further assure you that I am not the kind of Catholic everyone strives to be. But I do give myself a bit of credit for trying to be that guy and moving slightly in that direction over the last couple of years. Primarily my attitude on these forums is a) cut the Puritanism and b) meet people where they are.

We definitely disagree and I, well, definitely think you are wrong because I have Church teaching on “my side.” But what good does it do if I say that in a rude or abrupt way? The goal is not to “be right” and let everyone know it. It’s to move everyone towards Christ. So then maybe there won’t ever be a “my side” or “your side” but an “our side.” I’m sure there is plenty of opportunity for you to convert my heart in other aspects of life.

Being the father of three and seeing my wife go through three c-sections… nope. No I would not trade it. She’s dealing with recovery from surgery, a baby constantly clamoring for her breasts, sleeplessness, general exhaustion… plus crazy hormones. I mean, she’s restricted from activity too here. Sure, in the first couple of weeks maybe there’s no desire there. But then hormones bounce around and I can tell you from experience that there is desire on her part even when she’s tired and in pain and all that stuff. And there’s nothing she can do about it either.

Men definitely are more physically needy when it comes to sex. Most of the time anyway. Always exceptions to the general rule. But I’d gladly take that annoyance for a month or two versus having all those other side effects… PLUS the frustration of unfulfilled desire. At least I can hit the gym extra hard or something to burn it off. Women post c-section do not have that luxury at all.

The thing is though that The Church has changed its position on various matters over time. And if Pop Francis stays at the helm, I foresee a lot of changes with regard to things like that. I just have an issue with masturbation, as men have such high drives and basically seem to have a physical need for daily sex. I doubt God would create man like that if he saw masturbation as grave sin. I mean, the Church used to make women stay away from church during their periods, and they don’t now. So things can change. That’s what I mean. I really do appreciate your way though.

I guess the difference between men and women is that even when women have high sex drives (raises hand); they don’t tend to have physical sensations in the same way. I don’t wake up every morning with swollen genitals, no matter how long dh and I have abstained. And I really feel that her dh is being inappropriate, and making it seem like he wants to use his wife. That to me is more selfish and sinful than masturbation. Just my opinion…

 

[The_Bucket]

I guess the difference between men and women is that even when women have high sex drives (raises hand); they don’t tend to have physical sensations in the same way. I don’t wake up every morning with swollen genitals, no matter how long dh and I have abstained.

As a man… I’ve dealt with um, that issue since I was a kid. I mean, it’s not an unusual thing and it’s generally not a big deal or even tied to sex. That’s not to say that I’d turn down my wife or anything, but yeah, it’s no big deal.

Also, if you do get pregnant, and based on your story I know the situation and I pray it is all resolved well in your favor… come back and talk! Plenty of swelling involved with pregnancy and it’s not all ankles.

See, this is the cool thing about being a Catholic guy in the modern era. Knowing all this anatomy because I have to know all this what with NFP, being a father and all that good stuff.

(Please Note: This uploaded content is no longer available.)

 

[His_helpmeet]

I doubt God would create man like that if he saw masturbation as grave sin.

Remember that God does not CREATE evil. He PERMITS it because He has given man free will. ALL people have fallen natures. We could say, therefore, that sin isn’t evil because “God would never create fallen people if He saw anything evil as sin”.

As a nurse, my understanding is that you don’t necessarily have to wait 6 weeks. Postpartum sex can resume whenever the couple mutually decides they are ready.

 

[Galbin]

As a man… I’ve dealt with um, that issue since I was a kid. I mean, it’s not an unusual thing and it’s generally not a big deal or even tied to sex. That’s not to say that I’d turn down my wife or anything, but yeah, it’s no big deal.

Also, if you do get pregnant, and based on your story I know the situation and I pray it is all resolved well in your favor… come back and talk! Plenty of swelling involved with pregnancy and it’s not all ankles.

See, this is the cool thing about being a Catholic guy in the modern era. Knowing all this anatomy because I have to know all this what with NFP, being a father and all that good stuff.

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-OIDkGvT9nG8/UpZzoZ9KA6I/AAAAAAAACIs/3maMRqKyJUs/s1600/43yzyz.jpg

So men don’t feel aroused when they wake up?! Shows how much I know then! Oh dear re: pregnancy swelling. That doesn’t sound very pleasant.

And high fives for Jessie Pinkman reference!!!

 

[Galbin]

Remember that God does not CREATE evil. He PERMITS it because He has given man free will. ALL people have fallen natures. We could say, therefore, that sin isn’t evil because “God would never create fallen people if He saw anything evil as sin”.

As a nurse, my understanding is that you don’t necessarily have to wait 6 weeks. Postpartum sex can resume whenever the couple mutually decides they are ready.

But God created the body. That is my point. He made men have such a strong biological sex drive that even the most sexual of women don’t have. I have a healthy sex drive, but as a woman I am not assailed by swollen genitals if I have to abstain. That is the difference…

 

[The_Bucket]

So men don’t feel aroused when they wake up?! Shows how much I know then! Oh dear re: pregnancy swelling. That doesn’t sound very pleasant.

Like I said, it’s not like I would turn my wife down! But that phenomenon is something that’s common since childhood for boys. It’s not bothersome, at least to me anyway. Certainly plenty of other times that are more, um, bothersome.

To be perfectly blunt and frank, it’s quite possible for a man to be physically ready to go, as it were, and not feel turned on. And I don’t mean mentally. I mean actually physically. Dudes can be weird like that.

As for the pregnancy issue… I mean that depends on what you consider pleasant. I have a very, very amusing tale from my wife’s experience but a) she would never want me to disclose particulars, even anonymously and b) I don’t know quite how to explain it in a family-friendly type way. Suffice to say that there were some involuntary… situations… going on for basically the better part of a day.

And high fives for Jessie Pinkman reference!!!

This I will heartily accept.

 

[PaulGH]

Hello all,

My wife and I just had our first baby together, which is a beautiful thing to go through. My question though is regarding the church’s sexual ethics at this point. My wife has stitches which means no sex for 6+ weeks. At the same time, I have never felt more attracted to my wife. Yet this is frustrating because I feel like I cannot be with my wife. I know the church says no to any alternative forms of pleasure that ends in climax outside of procreative means, yet in these situations does the church only say “abstain”? Any advice would be helpful.

Congratulations on the new baby!

Regarding the abstinence, I know how you feel. All of our kids were born by c-section, and we had to abstain for a few weeks after each birth. And each time, it was just about the most difficult period of abstinence we had ever gone through (difficult for me anyway). One piece of advice I read somewhere (maybe on this board) that helped a little was to offer up that period of abstinence to God, as a prayer that my newborn child will have the strength and the will to be abstinent at difficult times in his life (e.g., when dating before marriage). That idea did help a bit, but it was still difficult.

And no, there are no shortcuts – abstinence is what is called for now, until your wife has healed enough that you no longer need to abstain.

 

[PaulGH]

Congratulations on the new baby!

Regarding the abstinence, I know how you feel. All of our kids were born by c-section, and we had to abstain for a few weeks after each birth. And each time, it was just about the most difficult period of abstinence we had ever gone through (difficult for me anyway). One piece of advice I read somewhere (maybe on this board) that helped a little was to offer up that period of abstinence to God, as a prayer that my newborn child will have the strength and the will to be abstinent at difficult times in his life (e.g., when dating before marriage). That idea did help a bit, but it was still difficult.

And no, there are no shortcuts – abstinence is what is called for now, until your wife has healed enough that you no longer need to abstain.

Sorry, I didn’t realize how old this question was until after I posted. I saw a thread with several recent posts and only two pages total, and so I assumed it must be new. I should have looked more closely.

 

[Galbin]

Like I said, it’s not like I would turn my wife down! But that phenomenon is something that’s common since childhood for boys. It’s not bothersome, at least to me anyway. Certainly plenty of other times that are more, um, bothersome.

To be perfectly blunt and frank, it’s quite possible for a man to be physically ready to go, as it were, and not feel turned on. And I don’t mean mentally. I mean actually physically. Dudes can be weird like that.

As for the pregnancy issue… I mean that depends on what you consider pleasant. I have a very, very amusing tale from my wife’s experience but a) she would never want me to disclose particulars, even anonymously and b) I don’t know quite how to explain it in a family-friendly type way. Suffice to say that there were some involuntary… situations… going on for basically the better part of a day.

This I will heartily accept.

So, men don’t feel sexual everyday despite waking up in a sexually ready state? Apologies if this is an inappropriate question.

I can guess re: your wife’s story. LOL

 

[The_Bucket]

So, men don’t feel sexual everyday despite waking up in a sexually ready state? Apologies if this is an inappropriate question.

I can’t speak for every guy out there of course. And I’m still on the young(ish) side… oy I have to say ISH now! I mean, I can say that I don’t think I’ve ever gone through a state where I’d turn it down. Except for extreme illness, honestly… nope. I even dealt with a kidney stone once and personally I kind of saw physical relations as a good way to get my mind off of the pain and even kill it for a few minutes! Maybe if I had just broken my leg or something. I mean that’s intense, INTENSE pain exacerbated by physical activity. But give it a few days and… um… yeah.

What I more meant was that physical readiness is not equivalent to “needing” relations. And I don’t mean that one can discipline himself to not need it. That’s of course true. And that discipline is necessary in those postpartum days and weeks. I mean that quite literally physical readiness can come about at even inappropriate times with no external stimuli. It can come about at absolutely unwanted times. Our anatomy is, again, weird like that. It’s something I’m sure I’ll have to talk to my son about in a couple years.

So yes, I personally believe that men not only associate sex with love but that yeah, as a general rule, it’s a bit tougher literally physically to go without. At the same time, it’s not like I’m flipping out with desire every morning and need a cold shower. It’s just how our anatomy works and, most of the time, it’s no big deal.

 

[Galbin]

I can’t speak for every guy out there of course. And I’m still on the young(ish) side… oy I have to say ISH now! I mean, I can say that I don’t think I’ve ever gone through a state where I’d turn it down. Except for extreme illness, honestly… nope. I even dealt with a kidney stone once and personally I kind of saw physical relations as a good way to get my mind off of the pain and even kill it for a few minutes! Maybe if I had just broken my leg or something. I mean that’s intense, INTENSE pain exacerbated by physical activity. But give it a few days and… um… yeah.

What I more meant was that physical readiness is not equivalent to “needing” relations. And I don’t mean that one can discipline himself to not need it. That’s of course true. And that discipline is necessary in those postpartum days and weeks. I mean that quite literally physical readiness can come about at even inappropriate times with no external stimuli. It can come about at absolutely unwanted times. Our anatomy is, again, weird like that. It’s something I’m sure I’ll have to talk to my son about in a couple years.

Haha. Your kidney stone story made me LOL. I think I am more like a man than a woman in that respect then