Potential For Marriage?

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Dave27360

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Hello,

My name is David and I am 22 years old. I grew up in a Protestant church. I have had a valid Baptism outside of the Catholic Church. I have been speaking with the RCIA director at my local Parish with plans of starting RCIA this July and being in full communion Easter of 2013. Until then I have been able to attend local masses without receiving communion. I have also attended the sacrament of reconciliation. My pastor allows me to participate in this sacrament since I am validly baptized, have the intent to convert, believe in the Sacraments of the Catholic church, and am truly sorry for my sins. I have been doing some reading about the Catholic Church and I do believe it is the true church. It is the only Christian Church that has been around for over 2000 years. That is my background information.

I have been in a relationship with an agnostic woman for a little over a year. She has came to mass with me and likes the church although I am not sure if she wants to join yet. Only she can answer that question. I have had the vice of fornication with her. We have not practiced contraception and she does not believe in abortion. I know that fornication is a mortal sin. I feel sorry for doing this and have been seeking the sacrament of reconciliation when I know that I have messed up. I spoke with the director of RCIA about this and he suggested having a serious talk with my girlfriend. From this talk I have found out the following. She does want to marry and have children at sometime. However she does not want to marry for at least 2 years. She does not want to live without me. She does not see anyone else as more compatible. Although it is great that she sees that she wants to be with me and get married sometime I am hesitant at the fact she wants it to be at least another 2 years from now. I feel like that if I stay with her the fornication will keep happening unless I make sure to avoid the near occasions of sin such as her dorm room or my bedroom. Does anyone have any advice about this relationship and the vice of fornication?

Thank You
 
As hard as he may sound right now, you should move out, stop fornicating, and concentrate on being reconciled with the Church (being confirmed). Since your gf does not share your values and doesn’t want marriage (that’s what waiting 2 years really means–otherwise what’s the hold up?). She doesn’t have respect for your values or your faith. There are plenty of fish in the sea, dear brother. Detach yourself from this gal ASAP and get on with your life instead of waiting until she wants this and she wants that. :rolleyes:
 
It’s wonderful you’ve found your way home. Congratulations!

First of all, let me stress that you both need to be on the same page when it comes to this issue with her.

Does she understand and is willing to stop having relations with you until you are married? Despite her own convictions? Does she understand why you need to stop? Is she willing to do this for 2 years?

Her saying that she does not want to live without you doesn’t mean much. It means she is young and cannot picture herself with anyone else.

I’m in a somewhat similar situation as you, except both my Fiance and I came into the church together.

We knew we would have to stop having relations with each other if we wanted to receive the Eucharist and live lives in Christ. Its been almost 6 months since we’ve begun abstaining and I’ll be honest…Its been really rough at times and it has changed our relationship significantly. It has been working for us because we both are practicing the faith and are both committed to this and understand why we have to abstain.
I’m counting down the days until we are married and it’s not because I want to start having relations with him again. It’s because I truly cannot wait to be married.

If she is okay with this and is willing to stop having relations with you for 2 years then okay but it will still be very, very hard. Especially for her because she has no true reason to abstain except to prevent pregnancy. Abstaining for 6 months, with a clear end date in sight was difficult enough, 2 years with no end date? Well, if you can handle it…but it seems like you will be putting yourself in serious near-occasion of sin.

My advice? Have a very serious heart to heart with her. If she even seems the least bit unsure then cool off the relationship.
 
Considering you’re going through a major life transition (your conversion), I actually think it’s a good idea to wait 2 years, especially since you do not share the same faith. At your age, and at your stage of knowledge of the Church, you might not be aware of the implications of a Catholic marriage, or you might not be as convinced of the value of shared belief systems. These things may come with further education, and with time. Keep in mind that a wedding in 2 years, probably means an engagement in 1 year. So with that time frame, you would only have a year to sort out the big decisions and issues that marriage will hold for you.

I don’t know what the odds are of success for you to remain chaste at this point, but I am sure that you should make sure that she is willing to commit to chastity. This is not just an issue for before you get married - married people have to be chaste as well. If she is not willing to abstain now, will she be willing to use Natural Family Planning (which requires periodic abstinence) instead of artificial contraception and sterilzation in order to space children? Are you willing? Is this an issue for you too? If so, keep in mind that as a not-yet Catholic, you may find yourself growing and changing in ways you don’t expect.

Also, you need to talk with her about your potential future children. Are you aware that a Catholic parent is obligated to raise his children as Catholics? This is a good and beautiful thing, as it recognizes that our job as parents is to nourish their soul and help them get to heaven. Will this be difficult if you are married to a non-Catholic? Will your girlfriend be comfortable with her kids learning things that she disagrees with? Or will she feel compelled to correct their error? Imagine if your roles were reversed - it must be very very hard to not be in control of what belief system your children are raised with - I wouldn’t blame a non-Catholic for having trouble with their children being raised Catholic. And yet, this poses a huge issue for the mixed-faith couple. Again, this might be something that doesn’t seem like as big of problem to you now. But as I, and most parents on this board will attest to, once you become a parent, this sort of thing becomes very important, and when there are differences between the parents it often becomes a heartbreaking - marriage stressing (if not breaking), issue. Also consider that your girlfriend may not think it’s a big deal NOW to agree to having Catholic children - but once your precious child is in front of you asking you about life’s big questions, she may feel differently.

These are just a couple of issues - though probably the biggest ones - that an interfaith couple has to deal with. The issue of faith and children is a deal breaker for many people, myself included. To be honest, I believe that mixed-faith marriages are almost always a bad idea. In fact, even the Church recognizes this, which is why a Catholic has to get a dispensation to marry a non-Catholic. It is no small matter. The fact that you are so new to your faith, not even having converted yet, tells me that perhaps you are not spiritually ready to enter into a mixed-faith marriage. Really, don’t rush it.
 
Thanks to everyone for the quick reply. We currently do not live together. There should not be a hold up on marriage but she has her reasons. She does not want to commit right now. She also is waiting for her mother to know and accept me. Her mother is not Catholic and dislikes me because of our 3 year age different and because she feels uncomfortable of her spending time with me. She understands that the Catholics teaching says its best to wait until marriage to have relations. About any form of Christianity teaches this Catholic or non-Catholic. I talked to her about avoiding fornication until marriage and her response was I respect it but I don’t see what is wrong with it because it feels good. But yet she still wants to have relations. I don’t see her waiting 2 years to have relations. I understand that marriage is a permanent commitment and that the Sacrament is a wonderful thing. I am willing to use Natural Family Planning after marriage, but know in order for this to work abstinence must be done during certain periods of time. I don’t believe that she wants to do the same. As far as children she does want children whenever she has them however I feel like it would be best to wait until marriage for ourselves and the child. I am aware of the fact that Catholic parents should raise their children Catholic. I may still be able to stay with her but knowing these things it seems like the potential for marriage and children seems very slim which means there may not be many reasons to stay in the relationship unless she is willing to accept I want to join the church and live a Christian lifestyle.
 
I have an update on my situation. She wants to wait about 6 years for marriage. That seems like an extremely long time to date considering I have already been dating her for 1 year.
 
Dave27360 said:
I have an update on my situation. She wants to wait about 6 years for marriage. That seems like an extremely long time to date considering I have already been dating her for 1 year.
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uh…i’m thinking you might want to cut your losses and move on.

I guess the real question is…do you want to wait that long?
 
Six years is a long time. I was thinking more a long the lines of engagement within 1-2 years and marriage by 3 years. This will give us both a decent amount of time to learn about each other, join the church and plan for a proper marriage. What I don’t understand is why she wants to wait for 6 years? All I can do is sit down and talk about his and make a decision about it. Until RCIA and eventually confirmation I can still participate in mass (without communion), volunteer in the church, participate in confession if needed, and have an active prayer life. Thank You for the advise.
 
Dave27360 said:
Six years is a long time. I was thinking more a long the lines of engagement within 1-2 years and marriage by 3 years. This will give us both a decent amount of time to learn about each other, join the church and plan for a proper marriage. What I don’t understand is why she wants to wait for 6 years? All I can do is sit down and talk about his and make a decision about it. Until RCIA and eventually confirmation I can still participate in mass (without communion), volunteer in the church, participate in confession if needed, and have an active prayer life. Thank You for the advise.
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Yeah, that is a LONG time. There might be one out there, but I can’t think of a good reason to date a person for 7 years prior to marriage (except for maybe if you start dating at the age of 15). I have to wonder if she really wants to get married at all, and I also suspect that she sees no need for the marriage when she can have what she sees as the perks without it. I’m sorry to say, I think she is making your decision for you.
 
Dave…RUN. Really. Fast. Now. I can’t imagine anything good coming from this situation.
 
28562 said:
Dave…RUN. Really. Fast. Now. I can’t imagine anything good coming from this situation.
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I totally agree. Why should you put your life on hold for her when she doesn’t want the same things you do? There are plenty of good Catholic gals longing for a good Catholic husband. Look among those if you want a Catholic family and the kids brought up in the faith. Cut your loses and say good bye. Do you really want to be married to a gal that has so little regard for not only your faith but your goals in life? Marriage isn’t primarily about sex it’s about establishing a family and living within it as committed members of it. This gal just isn’t marriage material.
 
Dave27360 said:
I have an update on my situation. She wants to wait about 6 years for marriage. That seems like an extremely long time to date considering I have already been dating her for 1 year.
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Maybe she is trying to tell you that she’s not interested in marriage, without really stating it. Six years, at your age, is an eternity, she may as well be saying, “Never.” Go look for a Catholic girl who has your same values. This girl may have done you a tremendous favor by allowing you to really see that her life and you life are not going to mesh well. You’ve already told us that you understand the problems ahead - attitude about having children outside of marriage, her seeing nothing wrong with fornication as long as children aren’t involved, etc. She wont understand your faith, or the motivations behind your life choices.

Next time, don’t date outside our faith!

🙂
 
We all know what she wants, but what do YOU really want? It doesn’t sound like she is the girl for you. To marry in the Catholic Church you both must be open to having children and to say she respects what you think and does what she wants anyway is not a good way to start a life together. She has given no satisfactory explaination for waiting 6 more years to marry. It’s time to move on and see if you can find a spouse who more closely shares your goals and values and can more willingly communicate with you.
 
Thank you for the replies.I understand that this relationship might not be meant to be, my RCIA educator also mentioned that that could be the result of such a serious talk. Regardless of what happens I still intend on completing RCIA and being confirmed. Since I have had committed mortal sins I am going to seek the Sacrament of Reconciliation soon. I can’t overcome fornication alone I need to get back in a state of grace. I have not yet fully given up on the relationship because I have been dating her for almost a year. I finally got to have a lengthy discussion with her about our relationship. I first told her that I do not want to have physical relations until marriage. She is in agreement that that would be better for the both of us. I also have planned that if she does try to provoke physical relations with me that I will run away fast. I talked to her about what I am doing in the upcoming months going through RCIA. She currently does not know what the Catholic church beliefs. I am going to sit down with her and look over the CathoicComeHome Website and help educate her some on what the church believes. I let her know that when I join the Catholic Church the marriage must be performed at a Catholic church and we would have an obligation to raise our children Catholic. After going over what the church believes she can decide for herself. I can’t and won’t force another person to take up the same beliefs as I do. My thoughts are this, if she agrees with what she learns and is willing to go through RCIA with me then I will stay with her and we can live the Catholic Christian lifestyle together. If she rejects what she learns then I will take it as its not meant for us to be together and I will end the relationship.
 
Dave, the most urgent and really serious issue is that you must stop meeting your gf at private places (her dorm, your room). Meet her only in public places where there’s no danger of the two of you loosing control and ending up doing things that should be reserved for marriage.

You are in an especially dangerous situation because as you say, your gf does not want to practice abstinence. So, the whole job of protecting yourselves falls on you. Either you make sure that you never get an occasion of getting tempted and failing, because you are staying in safe and public places, or expect REAL BAD things to happen.

She doesn’t want to marry you, but she wants to have sex because it feels good to do it. This is a very bad and dangerous situation. It must be a soul-killing feeling, as she doesn’t really sound as if she wants to commit to you, yet she could easily end up pregnant with your child. Frankly I would be very scared if someone said to me that they wanted to wait 6 years until marriage, but in the meantime, she also didn’t want to sexually abstain.

Dave, you could end up being hurt in many ways in this situation. The two of you need to sit down and have some serious talks to sort things out, but in the meantime, it is absolutely imperative to never allow yourselves to get tempted again. Stay in public places. Stay away from her dorm and from your room.
 
I agree on the staying away from her dorm room and my room and remaining in public places. This is something a priest suggested during confession to avoid the near occasion of sin and to pray when you feel tempted.

It is tough knowing that she wants to have sex strictly because it feels good. This is not the way sex is suppose to be. I feel that it is best to avoid it until marriage. That way if I do have a child they will be brought up in a stable environment.

I also agree on the serious talk. She knows that I am wanting to join the Catholic church. If she does not want to do the same then I don’t see how the relationship will ever develop to marriage or children. When I join the church I only want to get married in a Catholic church. I also do not want children until marriage and I know that my wife will also be able to help bring them up with Catholic teachings.
 
David,

My name is also David. I grew up in a protestant church (validly baptized) as you did but have been searching for the fullness of the christian faith and am seriously exploring the catholic church.

Your story resonates with me as I was in a serious relationship with a non-christian (Jewish) woman for almost a year. This relationship included numerous occasions of grave sin.

By the grace of god I became convicted of the wrongfulness of our behavior and I explained to her that we could no longer engage in any form of relations prohibited by historic and catholic teaching or reserved for married couples alone. She reluctantly agreed to comply but only out of respect for my conviction, not a belief that our behavior was wrong. What followed was months of near occasion of sin and several instances of grave sin when I gave in to my darker half and she readily complied.

I eventually ended the relationship, not only because of the stress of trying to maintain chastity on my own but out of a realization that our hopes and desires for married life and raising children could not be reconciled. I could not abide the idea of teaching my children that Jesus is lord only to have my partner say that christians mean well but that Jesus was really only a good moral teacher.

My advice to you is to pray for God’s intentions for this relationship. I did this nightly for weeks before receiving the courage and peace of heart required to end it. Based on your last post it seems you are committed to ending the relationship if she is not willing to make a free choice to convert. I pray that she will but if not I know god will give you the grace required to bear the process of separation.
 
Great News,

I sat down and had a long heart to hear with her yesterday and explained what I am going through in the coming months, that I want to practice chastity until marriage, and that I want to be marriage in the Catholic church and raise my children Catholic. She did not understand much about the Catholic faith so I showed her the catholicscomehome website. It helped her understand more about my faith. She decided that she that she want to join the Catholic church with me within the next year. We also made plans to marry within the next 1-2 years after that. I think that it is still possible for this relationship for her to work.

David
 
Well after discussing marriage and a family she decided she was tired of dating me and did not what to practice chasity. She broke up with me earlier today. Now I think I should use this time to build my faith. It probably is best todate someone who shares the same beliefs.
 
Dave, I’m sorry to hear that your love interest changed her mind, after her initial positive attitude during your last discussion on chastity, marriage, and joining the Catholic Church. I did experience something similar previously - I was very much in love and hoping to marry someone, but after she showed a positive attitude for some time and after we made plans to marry each other and to establish a Christian family together, she backed out of our plans.

We have to remember, people are on very different points of their spiritual journey, and they may not share our worldview and may not be willing to join us living a life that involves self-discipline and a conscious effort to always act in a manner that’s obedient to God’s commands as relayed to us by the teaching authority of the Catholic Church. It is best to let go of these people, because marrying someone who’s not willing to be a true companion and helpmate in our efforts to live a good Catholic, Christian life, would only cause problems later.

You may still want to pray for the salvation of this girl, but do it from a distance. Give thanks to God that you are free from her. Marriage with her would have been an exercise in frustration and deep sorrow for you, being unequally yoked and possibly risking your own salvation as well.
 
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