Power struggle with my fiancé

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My fiancé and I will be married on October 11th. He is the most loving, intelligent, and hardworking person I know. He brings out the best in me and encourages me to always improve, not because he is dissatisfied with how I am now, but because he wants the absolute best for me.

However, lately we have been having the same argument back and forth with no progress.

He wants me to quit one of my jobs. Currently, I work three jobs and he works two, though we usually work the same number of hours every week. We also both attend school with a full load of classes. He works 11pm-7am Sunday through Thursday at a hotel, and then about five hours at a tutoring job in the evenings. I work 6am-2pm at my retail job Monday through Thursday, then 8am-4pm on at job #2 on Fridays. My second job is as an aide at a school, so I also have training and meetings throughout the month, as well as prep time that I do off the clock. He goes to class in mornings and I go to class in the afternoons.

The past few months, I have also been spending several hours every Saturday working with my friend who is a photographer/videographer. I help him by working as a secondary shooter, by organizing his files, and by helping his events run smoothly. Usually I will get paid $100-150 for every wedding I do, and most weddings take me 7-9 hours including travel time. This is very good money for work that I genuinely enjoy. I have learned a lot about photography and video editing, and I have made a lot of extra money just in the past three months.

My fiancé really wants me to quit that photography job, though. He says we don’t need the money (which I guess we don’t) and that since Saturday is the only complete day off we have together, it would be selfish for me keep this job. When I said that I liked bringing in extra money, he said that I ought to trust him more to provide.

The first time he mentioned this, I got pretty defensive about it because I really enjoy the work itself and the paycheck that comes with it. Besides, because of his work schedule, he is usually sleeping while I am at weddings, and once he wakes up, he still has to get ready for the day be drive to my house before we can spend any quality time together. We talked a bit more about it, and while I he didn’t convince me that I should give it up entirely, I told him that after we marry on October 11th, I will give it up. I thought that was enough of a compromise and that it would give my boss time to find a replacement while the wedding season slows down. He was not satisfied with this, but refused to engage me on the question further, instead resorting to infuriating remarks like, “Whatever. You can do whatever you want.”

I am so sick of discussing this issue with him but I am really very concerned about his behavior. While I know his “love language” is definitely quality time, I find it a little ridiculous and controlling that he demands I quit this job just so he can see me for a few hours on Saturday. I know that I can be pretty stubborn and overly concerned with money sometimes, as I am an adult child of an alcoholic, but I am really having a hard time seeing his side, especially when I agreed to give up the job after our wedding date.

Do any of you guys have some advice or insight?
 
TeachertoBe said:
My fiancé and I will be married on October 11th. He is the most loving, intelligent, and hardworking person I know. He brings out the best in me and encourages me to always improve, not because he is dissatisfied with how I am now, but because he wants the absolute best for me.

However, lately we have been having the same argument back and forth with no progress.

He wants me to quit one of my jobs. Currently, I work three jobs and he works two, though we usually work the same number of hours every week. We also both attend school with a full load of classes. He works 11pm-7am Sunday through Thursday at a hotel, and then about five hours at a tutoring job in the evenings. I work 6am-2pm at my retail job Monday through Thursday, then 8am-4pm on at job #2 on Fridays. My second job is as an aide at a school, so I also have training and meetings throughout the month, as well as prep time that I do off the clock. He goes to class in mornings and I go to class in the afternoons.

The past few months, I have also been spending several hours every Saturday working with my friend who is a photographer/videographer. I help him by working as a secondary shooter, by organizing his files, and by helping his events run smoothly. Usually I will get paid $100-150 for every wedding I do, and most weddings take me 7-9 hours including travel time. This is very good money for work that I genuinely enjoy. I have learned a lot about photography and video editing, and I have made a lot of extra money just in the past three months.

My fiancé really wants me to quit that photography job, though. He says we don’t need the money (which I guess we don’t) and that since Saturday is the only complete day off we have together, it would be selfish for me keep this job. When I said that I liked bringing in extra money, he said that I ought to trust him more to provide.

The first time he mentioned this, I got pretty defensive about it because I really enjoy the work itself and the paycheck that comes with it. Besides, because of his work schedule, he is usually sleeping while I am at weddings, and once he wakes up, he still has to get ready for the day be drive to my house before we can spend any quality time together. We talked a bit more about it, and while I he didn’t convince me that I should give it up entirely, I told him that after we marry on October 11th, I will give it up. I thought that was enough of a compromise and that it would give my boss time to find a replacement while the wedding season slows down. He was not satisfied with this, but refused to engage me on the question further, instead resorting to infuriating remarks like, “Whatever. You can do whatever you want.”

I am so sick of discussing this issue with him but I am really very concerned about his behavior. While I know his “love language” is definitely quality time, I find it a little ridiculous and controlling that he demands I quit this job just so he can see me for a few hours on Saturday. I know that I can be pretty stubborn and overly concerned with money sometimes, as I am an adult child of an alcoholic, but I am really having a hard time seeing his side, especially when I agreed to give up the job after our wedding date.

Do any of you guys have some advice or insight?
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I believe that it will not get easier once you are married. Can you handle constant conflict in your future marriage?
 
Maybe he has some jealously towards your friend and you being with another man so much. I know when I met my husband at 18 I had always wanted to be a nurse. Was going to go to Nursing school, was working as a Nurses Aid and loved it. But he had a problem with me giving men bed baths (even if they were in a coma). It took a lot of coaxing to get it out of him, but he just didn’t like it. So he joined the AF and I followed giving up my dream, and know what I don’t miss that dream one bit. We laugh about it now 36 years later and my son couldn’t believe I would give up my dream. And my answer was, my love for him was stronger then my dream.

Now mind you, while I am not a nurse, I do keep up on the latest medical stuff and will stand up for family and friends if they are having problems with Drs. And after all these years, I have decided I want to be a patient advocate for nursing homes after I move. I have realized these people need a voice and the good Lord provided me with a big one.

So my advice is to look at your working relationship with your friend through the eyes of your husband to be and maybe you will understand him a little bit better.

Good Luck
 
How much time do you two spend together? Sometimes life necessitates a separation or different schedules, but it is crucial to see your spouse as much as you can, and to make your spouse a priority.

It sounds from your post that you are dismissing your fiance’s desire to have quality time with you as unimportant (“ridiculous” and “controlling”). Instead, you’re spending that day with another man, even if your relationship is purely platonic. If your points of view are so different on the subject of time, and if you’re unable to work through your differences, then I think your marriage will be rocky.
 
The first thought that struck me as well was he is perhaps jealous.

Also, reading about your busy schedule, it seems both or you are either in class or working and I could not figure out be the schedule when you sleep, let alone find time to be together.

Honestly, I am not saying just quit. However I am saying perhaps ask him if he is jealous. And if he admits, to it, I do believe it would be nice to of you to quit. After all, he is not trying to keep you under lock and key. He just doesn’t want you alone with another man
 
Op,
both of you have rather tight and busy schedules with school and jobs. If Saturday is the only day off that you both have together, then I think your future husband is correct and you don’t need this third job on top of all the rest. New marriages do need time and new couples need time together. No matter what kind of money it give you and the the satisfaction of learning new skills, you need time to adjust being married and being together and not be passing strangers in the night. Good communication need time to build. All new marriages need time to adjust, becoming marriage is a big change and it needs time. With full time school for the 2 of you plus both of you working already 2 jobs, all of that seems like a bit much and hanging on to some once a week job isn’t as important as building on a new marriage. Your new husband to be is correct, quit the job.
 
I understand that he could be jealous, but the things is, the man I work for is much, much older. I am in my early twenties and this man is in his sixties. I also told my fiancé that I will give up the job after we marry, which I thought was a good compromise. In the context of a fight, he told me that my compromise, “Wasn’t goid enough,” and that while he realized it was only two months, he doesn’t like that he will, “never see me.” It doesn’t seem right to me that right now, while we are still unmarried, my fiancé is to be the sole owner of my Saturday afternoons, especially when we are on completely opposite sleep schedules and he is sleeping for much of the afternoon. We go to mass together on Sundays. We run together on weekdays. We go on a date usually once a week, and I do most of my lesson prep and school work at my apartment, which he is always free to stop by.
 
robwar said:
Op,
both of you have rather tight and busy schedules with school and jobs. If Saturday is the only day off that you both have together, then I think your future husband is correct and you don’t need this third job on top of all the rest. New marriages do need time and new couples need time together. No matter what kind of money it give you and the the satisfaction of learning new skills, you need time to adjust being married and being together and not be passing strangers in the night. Good communication need time to build. All new marriages need time to adjust, becoming marriage is a big change and it needs time. With full time school for the 2 of you plus both of you working already 2 jobs, all of that seems like a bit much and hanging on to some once a week job isn’t as important as building on a new marriage. Your new husband to be is correct, quit the job.
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They’re not married yet and she suggested that she quit the third job when they get married.
 
TeachertoBe said:
I understand that he could be jealous, but the things is, the man I work for is much, much older. I am in my early twenties and this man is in his sixties. I also told my fiancé that I will give up the job after we marry, which I thought was a good compromise. In the context of a fight, he told me that my compromise, “Wasn’t goid enough,” and that while he realized it was only two months, he doesn’t like that he will, “never see me.” It doesn’t seem right to me that right now, while we are still unmarried, my fiancé is to be the sole owner of my Saturday afternoons, especially when we are on completely opposite sleep schedules and he is sleeping for much of the afternoon. We go to mass together on Sundays. We run together on weekdays. We go on a date usually once a week, and I do most of my lesson prep and school work at my apartment, which he is always free to stop by.
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Come to think of it, wedding season is almost over, right?

Shouldn’t things ease up in a month or so?
 
Some thoughts:
  1. He could still be jealous, even of a 60-year-old guy.
  2. Do you think you might want to pursue photography at some point (as a hobby or part-time job, or as a subject to teach)? If so, tell your fiance so he understands that you are getting something out of this you don’t get out of your retail job.
  3. Is your employer going to photograph your wedding? If he gave you a good rate, that would be awfully nice.
  4. How about one more month, rather than two?
  5. I think your fiance is mostly right about your heavy schedule and the way it interacts with his heavy schedule, but I also think he’s handling it terribly–being crabby and giving you the silent treatment over it. How about telling him something like: “I think you’re probably right that I should cut down my work schedule, but I think we need to work harder on effective communication. The way you’ve gone about talking to me about this has made me feel unloved.” That might be a little harsh, but I think the point stands that he needs to learn to be “right” in a more loving, communicative way. Maybe give him some samples of how you would have liked him to say it?
  6. Have you looked at your finances together? Now would be a good time. Can you set up a fake budget for your first month of life living together? If your fiance has a good look at that, he may soften up with regard to you working more. He may not quite grasp that his household expenses are about to shoot up, and so it’s a good idea not to slash your income until it’s clear if you can get by together without the money.
  7. If you can, try to do a personal finance class together sometime when your schedules aren’t so crazy.
Best wishes!
 
Will strongly suggest to give up the job. Have to remember what you are going through is practice for the real thing.

If you have found in the process of getting to know each other that his primary love language is quality time, you’ve been given a priceless gift of knowledge that many couples took many years to figure out about each other. So why would you make him wait for that? You are both already busy enough. Perhaps you could request that he get up earlier Saturday to spend the time with you that you are giving him.

I’m really not liking the way the thread title is phrased. Seems to imply that you think you need to be in charge. Have to remember only one of you can be in charge and it is better if that is him. Does not mean in any way, shape or form that you are a doormat. Many times he will not mind doing it your way on some other topic, but here he has a drawn a line and it would best to let the final decision rest with him. You have to decide what kind of wife you will be to him… are you going to be difficult or are you going to respect him?
 
There is only one person in the universe that you should marry: Your Best Friend in the whole world.
Best friends do not have power struggles.
They accept each other for who and what they are without question or making any judgment about them.
As someone who has been around the block a few times, I will say that no matter how good he/she is to you, if you are having strife at this stage of your relationship, it will get worse after you get married. I strongly suggest that you get a referral from your pastor to a marriage counsellor before you gegt married.
 
I think your fiance had a point. Time is important. I can also imagine that he might be concerned that you’re putting him off and you don’t actually intend to quit later. My husband has two jobs and in addition, he teaches piano lessons. He is often asked to take on more students and he hates to turn them down, but we have to have some time together as a family. We’ve decided that is more important then the extra money.
 
There is a lot of good advice here, and I especially like what Xantippe has to say. I would maybe think about having a conversation with him about HOW he communicated about this. It sounds like you are both young, so he response makes some sense, But really he should at some point be aware that he should be a bit more gracious when you considered his point and budged your stance. There is a compromise in here somewhere. Once it is reached both need to accept it and move on past it. These sorts of conflicts will come up over and over; where there is no clear right answer and one of you has to compromise. The key here is both accepting and agreeing to the compromise and not resenting it.

Another thing… you mentioned being the adult child of an alcoholic. They, OK, we, tend to be on the controlling side, since we grew up in an environment that was usually out of control. Not that I think that you are being controlling here, only you know if that is going on or not. But that might be feeding your reaction to the argument in general; you are upset because he won’t accept your 2 month notice for quitting your job. I’m not suggesting that this is unreasonable at all, but the ‘adult child of alcoholic’ tag caught my eye and ‘control’ is what popped into my head. In any case, this is something to communicate to him if you see this in yourself, and keep an eye on.
 
George_Stegmeir said:
Best friends do not have power struggles.
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Humph. That’s what you think. My best friend, and husband, could get into a power struggle with his own toothbrush with little effort. Some people are stubborn. It does make it harder to find a good match, but some people do have the correct disposition to be married to someone with control freak tendancies.
 
Here’s a thought–if the OP is planning to be a teacher, she may wish to find some summer employment for herself. If she were to do photography gigs like the ones she’s doing, that could work out very nicely, as weddings generally happen during those summer months.
 
Zzyzx_Road said:
Will strongly suggest to give up the job. Have to remember what you are going through is practice for the real thing.

If you have found in the process of getting to know each other that his primary love language is quality time, you’ve been given a priceless gift of knowledge that many couples took many years to figure out about each other. So why would you make him wait for that? You are both already busy enough. Perhaps you could request that he get up earlier Saturday to spend the time with you that you are giving him.

I’m really not liking the way the thread title is phrased. Seems to imply that you think you need to be in charge. Have to remember only one of you can be in charge and it is better if that is him. Does not mean in any way, shape or form that you are a doormat. Many times he will not mind doing it your way on some other topic, but here he has a drawn a line and it would best to let the final decision rest with him. You have to decide what kind of wife you will be to him… are you going to be difficult or are you going to respect him?
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I like the idea about asking him to get up earlier on Saturday.😃

But as to your other points, what if they really do need the money? They are students and they’re getting married soon. The odds are that they are short of funds or are going to be short of funds.
 
Xantippe said:
I like the idea about asking him to get up earlier on Saturday.😃

But as to your other points, what if they really do need the money? They are students and they’re getting married soon. The odds are that they are short of funds or are going to be short of funds.
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He considers quality time to be more important than that 3rd job. He backed that up by saying she should trust him to provide. So why not take him at his word? Why not trust him on this? If she can’t trust those words of his, they have far bigger issues than she is letting on.
 
OP,

You mentioned his language of love is “quality time”. What is your language of love?

I would guess from his point of view you are putting this Saturday job ahead of him. What are your priorities? Is the money really the issue? Or is it the joy of learning?

This is a wonderful opportunity for the two of you to learn how to resolve problems. If you need some help, I’m sure a counselor / priest would be able to give you a few tools. The important thing is that you learn how to resolve conflict without winners and losers.

God Bless
 
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