Power struggle with my fiancé

[white_sheep]

I’m with your fiance. Unless you just absolutely have to have the money, lose the 3rd job. It isn’t like you can really keep it forever anyway. Once you have a baby that job is toast.

 

[Allegra]

I’m with your fiance. Unless you just absolutely have to have the money, lose the 3rd job. It isn’t like you can really keep it forever anyway. Once you have a baby that job is toast.

On the plus side, she’ll have lots of opportunties for photography.

 

[Lorelei12]

I really appreciate the advice and suggestions you all have given. I do think that part of the reason this argument has dragged on for so long is that it has become about more than the original topic of when and if to leave my photography job. It’s become an argument about my over-concern with money, his need for more time with me, how the situation would play out if I asked him to quit a job, and both of our frustrations with or hectic schedules. When we live together, I imagine it will be much easier, but right now, he still has to go home every day to sleep and shower and do his laundry.

I wouldn’t assume it will be any easier when you are married and living together. I only have my own experience, but personally it’s harder for me now when my husband works a lot of hours than when we were not married. Before we shared a home, I wasn’t used to having him around. Now that we share a home, if he needs to work late it means I eat dinner alone and go to bed alone sometimes. Not to mention I end up having to do most of the housework, even though I also work full time. We’ve had to come up with ways to mitigate the situation caused by his demanding job- for instance, two weeknights, he promises to be home by a certain time so that we can eat and spend time together, and one night a week is his guaranteed “late night” to get things done at work. If your fiancé is already concerned about the lack of time you spend together, it might actually be *more * difficult for him if you are working all the time and he expected to get to see you more when you live together.

Is there any way you could be sort of a “per diem” photographer? I don’t know whether the photographer you work for needs someone all the time, but whether for him or someone else, maybe it would be nice for you to occasionally go to a job, but spend most of your Saturdays with your husband. I guess if I were you, I’d want to prove to him that I cared what he thought, and that I respected that both people in a marriage need to consider the others’ needs. Maybe that means I would quit in a month, or discuss taking one job per month on a Saturday, or something like that.

 

[Xantippe]

I really appreciate the advice and suggestions you all have given. I do think that part of the reason this argument has dragged on for so long is that it has become about more than the original topic of when and if to leave my photography job. It’s become an argument about my over-concern with money, his need for more time with me, how the situation would play out if I asked him to quit a job, and both of our frustrations with or hectic schedules. When we live together, I imagine it will be much easier, but right now, he still has to go home every day to sleep and shower and do his laundry.

As for our money situation, we both work entry-level jobs. The cost of living in our city is low, possibly low enough that we could only afford to live off just his full time job if we were not in school - but not easily! Besides that, we are incurring student loan debt, and we are working towards the goal of paying off a significant amount the second we graduate - before it has accrued much interest. We have saved a lot of money and hassle by choosing cars we could only afford to buy outright, not having fancy phones, and forgoing internet access and cable at home. We both have excellent credit, but very short credit histories.

I have worked out a monthly budget to where we could survive only on he income from his full-time job, then direct deposit the income from his other job and my jobs into our savings account. We do need more than his first job can provide in order to pay off as much of our student loan debt as possible after graduation.

We have finished paying for our wedding expenses, but we need to have extra to use in case we are surprised by a pregnancy. We also need to be working towards saving an emergency fund. Currently we have enough to live on for about 2 months, but I would prefer to have more.

My fiancé has at this point dropped the issue and said that it is up to me, but I get the feeling that he is very disappointed that I want to continue working on my Saturdays until the wedding. He isn’t being rude about it, but he doesn’t want to discuss the issue further.

It bothers me that he is still peeved by this, because we are not yet married, and I have already made a significant compromise for him. I don’t know if it will be discussed further, and I am not sure that I want to keep talking about it!

Still, I have a decision to make. I would appreciate your advice and prayers while I consider the options.

That all sounds very sensible.

Does your fiance understand the financial situation?

 

[Xantippe]

How long are the two of you each going to need to be working two jobs and studying? The timeline makes quite a difference. If it’s just one more year and then you both try for 8-4 professional jobs and have evenings and the whole weekend together, that’s totally doable.

As a permanent way of life these conflicting schedules would be terrible, but there simply are seasons in life where one has to. I was in the grad program from hell the first 2.5 years I knew my husband (and the first 1.5 of our married life), and basically lived like veal calf in a cubicle, but once it was over, it was over.

God willing, you’ll never have to have this kind of schedule again.

 

[TeachertoBe]

He will graduate in a year, and I will graduate in two. Once he graduates, however, I don’t expect he will have a hard time finding a job. He will have a marketable physics degree as well as minors in math and astronomy. We live in a college town with an observetory, where there are plenty of research related jobs. We also love near Eastman chemical, where there are abundant career opportunities. He is trying to graduate as quickly as possible so that we don’t have to keep these crummy hours!

 

[Xantippe]

He will graduate in a year, and I will graduate in two. Once he graduates, however, I don’t expect he will have a hard time finding a job. He will have a marketable physics degree as well as minors in math and astronomy. We live in a college town with an observetory, where there are plenty of research related jobs. We also love near Eastman chemical, where there are abundant career opportunities. He is trying to graduate as quickly as possible so that we don’t have to keep these crummy hours!

Very good!

 

[Xantippe]

By the way, the night job may be negatively affecting your fiance’s moods.

webmd.com/sleep-disorders/excessive-sleepiness-10/shift-work

huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/14/light-at-night-depression-brain-functioning_n_2132373.html

 

[agapewolf]

That probably depends a lot on the climate of the place where you live. Nearly every wedding I’ve attending has been in early summer or autumn. Autumn is more popular with the general population, but I’m a teacher and I have many friends who are teachers and choose the early summer for that reason.

Nope, not at all. We have extreme summers and winters. June and October are popular, but I play music for weddings almost every year in December. Sometimes more in November than June. January is a little lighter but there can be a wedding once in a while then.

 

[PaulinVA]

My fiancé has at this point dropped the issue and said that it is up to me, but I get the feeling that he is very disappointed that I want to continue working on my Saturdays until the wedding. He isn’t being rude about it, but he doesn’t want to discuss the issue further.

No need to discuss further. You don’t seem open to discussion. He is probably disappointed you don’t want to spend time with him.

It bothers me that he is still peeved by this, because we are not yet married, and I have already made a significant compromise for him. I don’t know if it will be discussed further, and I am not sure that I want to keep talking about it!

It bothers you that he is peeved because you are intransigent and won’t listen to him or want to spent time with him? It bothers you?

Still, I have a decision to make. I would appreciate your advice and prayers while I consider the options.

This is good. Consider the way that the two of you interact, and the attitude each of you have for the other. Consider if you should seek marriage counselling before the wedding to resolve this. Consider the bolded part, above. You are already keeping score on how put out you are for him.

Upon reading this through again, I’m sorry if I’m too blunt.

 

[Xantippe]

No need to discuss further. You don’t seem open to discussion. He is probably disappointed you don’t want to spend time with him.

It bothers you that he is peeved because you are intransigent and won’t listen to him or want to spent time with him? It bothers you?

This is good. Consider the way that the two of you interact, and the attitude each of you have for the other. Consider if you should seek marriage counselling before the wedding to resolve this. Consider the bolded part, above. You are already keeping score on how put out you are for him.

Upon reading this through again, I’m sorry if I’m too blunt.

There’s something to that.

I think both of you have a good case on the merits (the need for more time together and leisure vs. the need to work as hard as possible for a month or two to build a strong emergency fund), but I think both of you need to work on how you express your thoughts and interact.

To follow up on what PaulinVA is saying, here’s a tip that will apply to many other situations. You’ve got your way–now stop bugging him about it. It’s not fair to demand that he like what you’re doing, rather than just tolerating it. Be sweet!

 

[Prodigal_Son]

Be sweet!

And THAT, my friends, is the hardest piece of advice to follow in a marriage. When you get married, you finally have someone with whom you can let down your ego boundaries and just relax. Or that’s how it feels.

But when we “just relax”, we unleash hell on our spouse. Marriage is not a break from right relating. It is another place where we have the opportunity to choose to be loving, to choose peace instead of complaining and war. That is very hard to do, especially when you feel completely comfortable with another person.

But strong marriages are forged in the impossible fires of that awful command: Be sweet.

 

[Kelfa28]

For me…I wouldn’t give up the job simply because he works overnights and most likely sleeps in late.

I’m not sure what his daily sleep schedule is…even on his days off he probably goes to bed late and sleeps in late.
My husband used to work overnights and would rarely be up before 1-2 pm on his days off. I think my husband would have been fine with me working a morning job even on his days off for two reasons. More money coming in and also a chance to have a quiet house to sleep. It never happened for us because at the time we had our first baby and I was busy with her.

Things will change when you two do get married and are living together. It will also change when/if he decided to start working a day job and not overnights. That is one reason why so much of your time isn’t spent together. He is too tired and looking to sleep.

If you have budgeted the fact that this job helps with savings (having an emergency fund is very important!) then you might have a case to keep the job.

If it was me and my finance was insisting I give up something I enjoy in order to spend time with him…he had better be spending time with me! Does he wake up at a fairly reasonable hour on his days off to spend time with you or to get stuff done like chores, errands and other activities/hobbies? Or does he sleep?

 

[Xantippe]

For me…I wouldn’t give up the job simply because he works overnights and most likely sleeps in late.

I’m not sure what his daily sleep schedule is…even on his days off he probably goes to bed late and sleeps in late.
My husband used to work overnights and would rarely be up before 1-2 pm on his days off. I think my husband would have been fine with me working a morning job even on his days off for two reasons. More money coming in and also a chance to have a quiet house to sleep. It never happened for us because at the time we had our first baby and I was busy with her.

Things will change when you two do get married and are living together. It will also change when/if he decided to start working a day job and not overnights. That is one reason why so much of your time isn’t spent together. He is too tired and looking to sleep.

If you have budgeted the fact that this job helps with savings (having an emergency fund is very important!) then you might have a case to keep the job.

If it was me and my finance was insisting I give up something I enjoy in order to spend time with him…he had better be spending time with me! Does he wake up at a fairly reasonable hour on his days off to spend time with you or to get stuff done like chores, errands and other activities/hobbies? Or does he sleep?

Yes!

 

[Xantippe]

I re-read your thread. This part of one of your posts was very telling for me, and in my opinion, very representative of what your attitude is towards your fiancé.

You are right that you are unmarried still, however you are preparing to receive the Sacrament; therefore (except for sexual relations) you should be treating this man as your husband. It seems to me you believe he has no rights to your time until the day of your wedding, and until that time you are an independent woman and that is that.

I don’t think your heart will change so fast on the day of your wedding. A stubborn heart will not so quickly melt. My guess is that your independent lifestyle will likely trickle over into your married life, that can be very damaging. I know you mentioned his sleep schedule, he probably sleeps because you are not there. If you offered to do something with him I bet he would not sleep!

You can “win” and keep your job. You will gain a few hundred dollars and you will put your fiancé in his place and you will win. However you will hurt his heart, remember he is not asking you to do anything by manipulation he just loves and misses you. Years later he will remember this hurt long after the couples you photograph have forgotten who you were. OR, you could call him today and make his favorite dinner. Wrap your arms around him and kiss him. Tell him you love him and you would give up 1000 jobs because your love for him means more than anything and are happy to give up this job. Now that is something your husband will remember forever. It is in your hands how the rest of your engagement goes.

Marriage is sacrifice, not a score-board where we keep track of who gives up the most or who gives in the most. Are you giving up more right now? Probably yes, however there is likely a time in the future where your husband will be called to sacrifice, God is like that, things are not even. During a time in my marriage I found myself the one that was giving and giving for a long time but that is where God put me. Things happened and suddenly life changed and my husband was called to much sacrifice. We are called to give, even when the other person does not. Don’t resist the opportunity to love your future husband and give up all for him, giving up easy things is meaningless, giving up hard things means true love. God bless you.

Alternately, he could find a way to stop working nights.

That is a huge chunk of the problem.

 

[white_sheep]

I’d like to change my vote. I think you should keep the job as you have planned, but instead of quitting when you get married, I’d quit a few weeks to a month in advance. You might need the time for planning and it will make him happier, hopefully. But money should be a priority for you right now, so keeping the job for a while is a good idea. I don’t think keeping it after you are married is a good idea unless you really have to have the money. There are far more important things in life than spending it at all at work.

Also, I don’t know about making spending time together a priority. When we were dating we lived in different towns on purpose, because avoiding sex is difficult if you spend too much time together. Then again, maybe not everyone has that problem, maybe it is just me. If you are having sex I would recommend waiting from this point on. I’m not trying to speech anyone, it’s just a good idea. Really.

Anyway, no matter what anyone says, it’s something you guys have to work out.

 

[Prodigirl]

This is just an opinion, mind you, nothing to do with Catholic doctrine, but if you are waiting to settle into 8-5 professional jobs, believing “everything will work out just fine”, I want to point out that this controlling behavior will not go away. Once he discovers he can tacitly threaten you with demands that you change your schedule, further demands that you change your behavior, your look, your activities, your clothing, the time you spend outside the house, will not be far behind, and your world will close in on you like an wooden overcoat.

You are right to chafe under the play. I’m sorry to have to say it, but many men are made of this stuff, and I don’t believe it would be worth it to enter into a marriage with someone like this, no matter how “good a provider”, not matter how seemingly compatible. They all start out with the small stuff and escalate. I have been involved in a relationship like this to the point of being choked nearly unconscious because he was jealous - of nothing.

You have 8 weeks to consider this. A lifetime is long and miserable under the management of a husband with this attitude. What could it hurt to postpone and observe? The ACOA stuff is also in play here, don’t doubt it for a minute. I’m a member of that club, and we do have a way of avoiding conflict, seeking approval, wallowing in low self-esteem, doing anything to save even a bad relationship, choosing an inappropriate partner. We are willing to spend months or years tap-dancing to their tune while never hearing even two notes of our own soul song.

Either that, or counter the proposal with a different proposal.

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

She found out her husband’s love language is quality time. That knowledge is a great gift. Some couples spend years in the wilderness before they figure this out about each other. Many never do. But she wants to withhold that which her husband-to-be wants from her with the promise that he’ll get it soon enough. With the wedding just two months off, we’re well past the getting together phase and well into the learning to live with each other phase. Think that only starts on the wedding day? Oh no, the good habits start much earlier than that. So do the bad habits.

He’s asking for one day a week, no better time than now to give it to him. With the request to him to get up earlier that day.

 

[Prodigirl]

"There is no getting around spending time with someone … "

Oh, yes there is.

 

[Prodigirl]

Not sure if you meant to be sarcastic or funny what you really mean?

If someone’s love language is physical affection, there is no getting around it they NEED to be held, hugged, kissed to feel love. If someone’s love language is words of affection they NEED to hear “I love you” there is no getting around it. The original poster said her fiancé’s love language is quality time, there is no getting around that but perhaps you believe they should call it off.

Where did this “love language” business come from? I’m sorry, it just sounds a little squishy, like something Dr. Phil cooked up.

I resist the whole thing. I admit to tremendous damage: sexual assaults, violent relationships, drug addiction, alcohol dependence, rape … within that context, can you see how not everyone wants to be [urp] “held, hugged, kissed to feel love”? I don’t trust what anyone says or thinks about love. I think it’s overrated, and anyone who is so dependent on another person to have created a “love language” ought to straighten up and become a little more self-reliant. I cannot stand to be touched, and I cannot stand to touch another human being. Dogs, great. Cats, ok. People? I would rather have a root canal. With my history there is always, always an agenda on the other end, even if in reality there is none.
I went into therapy at age 13 and I’m 62 now. There is no changing this. I’m ok with it.

But “love language”? Ugh.