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Zzyzx_Road
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Suggest you read “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman before you dismiss the concept. Or at least read the summaries you can find with a google search.
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KatieM2
Guest
I think the OP’s fiance may be right. There’s more to life than work and money, and investing time in each other is important, especially early in a marriage.
More important though, marriage is also about leadership by husbands and submission by wives. So I think it’s crucial that she thanks him for his wise leadership and does as he asks. As my father said before I married my husband, ‘If you have any reservations about obeying this man, he’s not the man for you.’
More important though, marriage is also about leadership by husbands and submission by wives. So I think it’s crucial that she thanks him for his wise leadership and does as he asks. As my father said before I married my husband, ‘If you have any reservations about obeying this man, he’s not the man for you.’
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Xantippe
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He should also be happy to explain his “wise leadership” in detail, on paper.
For instance, he should be able to explain how his income will be able to support him, her and a baby if she is disabled by pregnancy and unable to work before he finishes his degree in a year’s time.
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alexandratm
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That’s what I find troublesome about this exchange. Presumably, he knows she is the child of an alcoholic. Presumably, he understands her worries. I would think that he could approach this situation very differently and she would feel far less stressed and controlled over the whole thing.
I don’t have enough context to really say what’s going on here with him. But to me, it does sound like he made the demand because he wanted it, and he’s done little to understand the OP’s point of view. I think if he had approached it saying, “I’d love to spend more time with you. I know you’re worried about money, but here’s why your job won’t have as much impact as you think. Would you consider cutting back so we could spend more time together?” - then we wouldn’t all be here.
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Hoosier_Daddy
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My wife and I discussed this thread last night. We cannot figure out why it is such an issue. Why is a side photography job worth such feelings of resentment on both sides. There is another shoe out there I can feel it.
We know a young couple that go married last year. She worked as a take down, set up person for a wedding event coordinator. I think this is common. Not only do the future brides get a break on services from the vendors they work with, but they see many many weddings and use the experience for ideas. As a guy, this is insane! I did my best to pick up brides magazines and flip through them with my future wife, I tolerated Martha Stewart magazines and shows (ok, so I kind of like Martha…) But honestly it was my wife’s deal. I can’t imagine the 24 7 “what do you think about this” I would have gotten if Pintrest had been around then or if my fiancee worked at a wedding vendor before our wedding.
But here is the deal. This issue should be no more than a one time conversation. Two people laying out their logical POVs and emotions. Then a decision is made. To me it sounds like the OP is resenting something. Even when she got her way it was not enough, his ATTITUDE had to agree with her, he had to be happy about it. Honestly, that is a red flag to me.
The word controlling has been thrown around a little too frivolously here. If anyone is controlling or manipulating I think the OP has some culpability here.
Regardless of what side you fall on, hers or his, we should all agree that there seems to be more behind this situation and that if this is an issue right now, marriage could be a little rough for these two.
It is simple.
You want what is best for the other person. You help them get to heaven. That is a job of a spouse. If a photography gig is getting in the way of that for either party, then there is either a horrible lack of communication or their minds are not focused on the marriage and they are focusing on the self.
We know a young couple that go married last year. She worked as a take down, set up person for a wedding event coordinator. I think this is common. Not only do the future brides get a break on services from the vendors they work with, but they see many many weddings and use the experience for ideas. As a guy, this is insane! I did my best to pick up brides magazines and flip through them with my future wife, I tolerated Martha Stewart magazines and shows (ok, so I kind of like Martha…) But honestly it was my wife’s deal. I can’t imagine the 24 7 “what do you think about this” I would have gotten if Pintrest had been around then or if my fiancee worked at a wedding vendor before our wedding.
But here is the deal. This issue should be no more than a one time conversation. Two people laying out their logical POVs and emotions. Then a decision is made. To me it sounds like the OP is resenting something. Even when she got her way it was not enough, his ATTITUDE had to agree with her, he had to be happy about it. Honestly, that is a red flag to me.
The word controlling has been thrown around a little too frivolously here. If anyone is controlling or manipulating I think the OP has some culpability here.
Regardless of what side you fall on, hers or his, we should all agree that there seems to be more behind this situation and that if this is an issue right now, marriage could be a little rough for these two.
It is simple.
You want what is best for the other person. You help them get to heaven. That is a job of a spouse. If a photography gig is getting in the way of that for either party, then there is either a horrible lack of communication or their minds are not focused on the marriage and they are focusing on the self.
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Xantippe
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I vote for horrible communication.My wife and I discussed this thread last night. We cannot figure out why it is such an issue. Why is a side photography job worth such feelings of resentment on both sides. There is another shoe out there I can feel it.
We know a young couple that go married last year. She worked as a take down, set up person for a wedding event coordinator. I think this is common. Not only do the future brides get a break on services from the vendors they work with, but they see many many weddings and use the experience for ideas. As a guy, this is insane! I did my best to pick up brides magazines and flip through them with my future wife, I tolerated Martha Stewart magazines and shows (ok, so I kind of like Martha…) But honestly it was my wife’s deal. I can’t imagine the 24 7 “what do you think about this” I would have gotten if Pintrest had been around then or if my fiancee worked at a wedding vendor before our wedding.
But here is the deal. This issue should be no more than a one time conversation. Two people laying out their logical POVs and emotions. Then a decision is made. To me it sounds like the OP is resenting something. Even when she got her way it was not enough, his ATTITUDE had to agree with her, he had to be happy about it. Honestly, that is a red flag to me.
The word controlling has been thrown around a little too frivolously here. If anyone is controlling or manipulating I think the OP has some culpability here.
Regardless of what side you fall on, hers or his, we should all agree that there seems to be more behind this situation and that if this is an issue right now, marriage could be a little rough for these two.
It is simple.
You want what is best for the other person. You help them get to heaven. That is a job of a spouse. If a photography gig is getting in the way of that for either party, then there is either a horrible lack of communication or their minds are not focused on the marriage and they are focusing on the self.
He’s working nights and may be a little cranky. She’s an adult child of an alcoholic and is very properly concerned about security.
I say split the difference–do another month and then quit and do your own wedding stuff. Even just $500 extra could represent either 1) a car repair 2) an ER bill 3) takeout for NICU (so you don’t have to go home and cook) or 4) basic start-up supplies for a new baby (crib, car seat, stroller, diapers, etc.).
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Prodigirl
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If she has any reservations about obeying any man, than no man is the man for her. I hope she knows her own mind and temperament before she says “I do (whatever you say).”
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Prodigirl
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The consideration of her worries and her history is crucial to successful exchange between these two. If this guy is simply making demands because POWER, she needs out now.
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alexandratm
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Yes, it’s hard to tell. I’m assuming he knows her history; if he doesn’t, that’s something they DEFINITELY need to talk about.
If he does, and he doesn’t understand her worries or brushes them off as silly, then he needs to adjust his worldview to consider her. Charitably, that can be tough - it’s hard for either party to go from considering just themselves to thinking of themselves as a unit.
If she’s not communicating her worries to him and WHY she’s worried about things, then that’s on her. Just because he knows she’s the child of an alcoholic doesn’t mean he’s connected that issue with this issue in his mind. If she’s not said, “I worry about money because x, y, z…” that’s a problem with her.
I’d guess that his request pushed her buttons, rather than him being truly controlling. She responded, but because they’re both tired, stressed, and overworked, neither of them communicated their feelings well to the other party.
Let things blow over for a while, I think the compromise on quitting is fine, and then bring up the issue when it’s water under the bridge and feelings have calmed a bit. I bet if you both tackle this when you’re more awake, you’ll come to a consensus just fine.
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KatieM2
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+1. Many women marry thinking they can continue to do what they want. Their husbands think otherwise, and it leads to arguments. If you’re not ready to obey a man, you’re not ready to marry.
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Prodigirl
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smack my head
If two people are ready and willing to enter a relationship, whether it’s marriage or dating or a business endeavor, they must be willing to listen and to concede certain points and to negotiate carefully, frankly and creatively. I believe this “obey” nonsense, as if men are somehow more capable of making decisions for the couple, is offensive and archaic, and it partially explains why there is so much co-habitation and so much divorce.
Particularly in marriage, there is no room - NONE - for a power struggle or an ego trip.
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Prodigirl
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Thank you, Monicad, for your kindness, and thank you for explaining the time factor. I don’t have the patience for it. Maybe this engaged woman can find or make the time for it. Hope it works out for her.
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BlueEyedLady
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Why would he ask you to give up something that you love to stay home and watch him sleep?
You guys need to work out a time that is dedicated to just the two of you. I have a very hard time believing that every other day is taken and that this job is the only sacrifice that can be made to spend time together. But time together has to be a top priority. This is where ‘compromise’ and ‘communication’ come in. Don’t worry, as a soon-to-be married person, you’ll get acquainted with these terms very quickly.
Really though, before anyone gives up something that they really love, you guys need to sit down and figure out a time that can be reserved for just relaxing or having fun together.
And if you do give up this job, he needs to be up, awake, and ready to make the most of that time that he demanded every single weekend. Actually, once you guys set aside a time, you both have to be committed to getting as much from it as you can. This is especially true if either one of you have to sacrifice something to get that time.
For what it’s worth, I would not give up the weekend photography job. Sometimes, the personal accomplishment, time away, and sense of artistic purpose is a much-needed way to clear your head and keep your self-esteem up. My husband would not want me to give it up if it made me happy anyway. But you had better believe that if we didn’t get enough time together, I would ensure that would change. When two people love each other, want each other to be happy, and want to spend time together, they find a way. It’s compromise and sacrifice. Welcome to marriage.
You guys need to work out a time that is dedicated to just the two of you. I have a very hard time believing that every other day is taken and that this job is the only sacrifice that can be made to spend time together. But time together has to be a top priority. This is where ‘compromise’ and ‘communication’ come in. Don’t worry, as a soon-to-be married person, you’ll get acquainted with these terms very quickly.
Really though, before anyone gives up something that they really love, you guys need to sit down and figure out a time that can be reserved for just relaxing or having fun together.
And if you do give up this job, he needs to be up, awake, and ready to make the most of that time that he demanded every single weekend. Actually, once you guys set aside a time, you both have to be committed to getting as much from it as you can. This is especially true if either one of you have to sacrifice something to get that time.
For what it’s worth, I would not give up the weekend photography job. Sometimes, the personal accomplishment, time away, and sense of artistic purpose is a much-needed way to clear your head and keep your self-esteem up. My husband would not want me to give it up if it made me happy anyway. But you had better believe that if we didn’t get enough time together, I would ensure that would change. When two people love each other, want each other to be happy, and want to spend time together, they find a way. It’s compromise and sacrifice. Welcome to marriage.
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Xantippe
Guest
Here’s another angle:
If the OP ever decided to stay home with kids, it would be nice to have a part-time job that brings in reasonable money, is on the weekend, and that she really loves. In fact, this could potentially be a life-saver in future.
If the OP ever decided to stay home with kids, it would be nice to have a part-time job that brings in reasonable money, is on the weekend, and that she really loves. In fact, this could potentially be a life-saver in future.
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KatieM2
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You think the need for husbands to lead and wives to obey is nonsense, offensive and archaic. Have you not read the Bible recently? With respect, this is God’s plan for us.
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Xantippe
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If your husband told you to get an abortion or to lie on your tax returns, would you do it?
Submission has to come with a lot of fine print, or it’s a recipe for abuse and sin.
Wives are responsible moral actors–we can’t simply do as we are told to the detriment of our families with the defense that we were just “following orders.”
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Xantippe
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Also, come to think of it, the OP is the adult child of an alcoholic.
She’s going to have a lot of reservations about obedience when she’s probably witnessed gross abuses of authority throughout her childhood. Blind, unquestioning obedience is going to be a tough sell for our OP.
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Prodigirl
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With respect, the God I believe in is not this small, nor is He limited to assignments of gender power.
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Prodigirl
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Thank you for this insightful comment. I, too, am ACOA, and I bristle under the alleged authority of men over women. Alcoholic fathers of the '50s and '60s had a significant hand in fueling the second wave of feminism. I can work alongside men, I love the company of men, but I will not obey any man. I know when a power play is being advanced, and that is the end of the game. I’m fortunate that I am surrounded by men who are colorblind and gender-blind and who just want a fantastic outcome in our joint ventures. But ego? No way I’m going to bend to that. If any man thinks he’s entitled to lead me around by the nose, I just jettison him out of my world. Easy enough.
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alexandratm
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1 Sam. 25 – Abigail didn’t submit to Nabal, and God rewarded her willingness to do what was right by killing her husband a few days later and setting her free to marry David.
Acts 5 – Ananias wanted to get the credit for giving all his worldly goods to The Church without actually doing it. God didn’t like all the lying and killed him for it. Sapphira submitted to her husband’s plan, and God killed her too. If only she hadn’t submitted to her husband, things would have ended differently.
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