Practical ways that a husband should lay down his life for his wife?

  • Thread starter Thread starter yellow8yellowM
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
Y

yellow8yellowM

Guest
Due to popular demand, I am posting this–really.

What are some practical ways that husbands should “love your wives, as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her?” (Eph 5:25)

Ladies, this is your chance to let us men know how we can improve ourselves so as to better live up to our marriage vows and our duty to imitate Christ. Let’s try to keep the sarcasm to a minimum and the criticism constructive.
 
Go to marriage counseling when asked

Don’t drink to excess or abuse other substances.

Don’t spend family money selfishly and with disregard for family welfare.

Don’t stay up until all hours playing games or looking at pornography.

Don’t engage in inappropriate emotional intimacy with a woman other than your wife

Be nice to the kids.

Don’t be obvious about favoring your mom over your wife

Don’t compare your wife unfavorably to other women. (Don’t say stuff like, “Other women homeschool 7 kids and do just fine!” I have a friend whose husband actually said that.)

Try to hold down a job.

Pay taxes as appropriate.

Don’t borrow large amounts of money to keep a failing business afloat, particularly without telling your wife.

When your wife says she is struggling, take her seriously.

When your wife says she is worried about what you are doing with family money, take her seriously

Bear in mind that “Because I’m the man!” is rarely said to justify a good idea

Some of these apply to both sexes. Generally speaking, husbands don’t need to engage in superhuman self-sacrifice. Just being an ordinary decent person and not engaging in gross vice is adequately challenging for a lot of people.
 
Xantippe said:
Go to marriage counseling when asked

Don’t drink to excess or abuse other substances.

Don’t spend family money selfishly and with disregard for family welfare.

Don’t stay up until all hours playing games or looking at pornography.

Don’t engage in inappropriate emotional intimacy with a woman other than your wife

Be nice to the kids.

Don’t be obvious about favoring your mom over your wife

Don’t compare your wife unfavorably to other women. (Don’t say stuff like, “Other women homeschool 7 kids and do just fine!” I have a friend whose husband actually said that.)

Try to hold down a job.

Pay taxes as appropriate.

Don’t borrow large amounts of money to keep a failing business afloat, particularly without telling your wife.

When your wife says she is struggling, take her seriously.

When your wife says she is worried about what you are doing with family money, take her seriously

Bear in mind that “Because I’m the man!” is rarely said to justify a good idea

Some of these apply to both sexes. Generally speaking, husbands don’t need to engage in superhuman self-sacrifice. Just being an ordinary decent person and not engaging in gross vice is adequately challenging for a lot of people.
Click to expand...
👍 Excellent!

Okay, and no swearing or name calling, or put downs.

If the wife says there is a problem in the relationship, don’t say that there isn’t one.

It’s okay to go out with the guys but not to the point one forgets one’s wife, leaving her in last position.

Compliments from time to time, “please”, “thank you” and general manners would go a long way.

Don’t let the sun go down on an argument.

Communication is everything. Prolonged silence isn’t typically good for relationships.

If someone is saying hurtful, untrue, insulting things to the wife, leave the room, defend her, or do something.

The mother-in-law - daughter-in-law combination isn’t always easy. Help the wife with this.

Next…if there is a disagreement and the husband’s family is causing problems, it’s the husband’s responsibility to try to resolve it. If it’s the wife’s family, it’s her responsibility, generally speaking.

If you’re lost, ask for directions! There’s no shame in admitting that one is lost, if one is. 😉 I know I don’t think any less of a man who is willing to ask for directions, quite the opposite.

Pray with your wife, especially when there are problems.

If you are wrong, admit it. If an apology is necessary, offer it.

Ask your wife what she wants. Listen to her. Often, she has already said what she wants and needs.

Work on problems when they are small. If counseling is needed, get it early on rather than when one is divorcing.

Be reliable and trust worthy. It’s terrible being with someone that can’t be counted on in emergencies or other times.

Basically, we all want to feel loved, respected, and appreciated.
 
Ignore her continual nagging about something of little real relevance. This is a common fault and is only a symptom that she feels powerless. Give her power over you. Don’t ignore her unhappiness for a moment. You belong to each other. You cannot be happy as a good husband if your wife is unhappy.
Treat her as the girl you married, and not someone you have got used to having around doing things for you and the family.
Take her side at all times in public no matter if she is wrong. Speak to her privately if you have a valid issue with her behaviour.
Take her side in any discussion within her home with your mother.
Find out what she said to the kids before agreeing to let them do something.
Take time to do the cooking together at times rather than sit in front of the tv when you come home tired.
Do some set chores that she dislikes doing, even when you come home tired.
Set aside a day a fortnight just for the two of you.
Never forget to tell her you love her every time you leave the house. You may never come back.
Always kiss her as the last thing you do every night. Never, ever, go to sleep without a resolution to an argument even if it is a temporary truce.
Write little notes of love around the house occasionally for her to find, especially if you are away on business. Always let her know where you are at all times. This is a right of both partners.
Make all big decisions and all decisions about the kids jointly.
Deserve her respect in any dealings with other women. Never allow her to feel belittled or give her reason for jealousy.
Expect her loyalty at all times, but deserve it.
Retain the romance of the bedroom even as the marriage matures.
Praise her in front of others whenever it is deserved but don’t go overboard so it is too false.
Place her before your friends without giving away manly friendships that mates need.
Always show delight when she enters the room at any function. Break away from discussion with your colleagues at business functions to introduce her and ensure she is comfortable in the setting. Do not leave her alone unless you are sure of her comfort within the surroundings.
Listen carefully to her issues without jumping to finding a solution. Often women need to communicate more than in seeking solutions. Heavens knows why.
Always gently touch her in passing in the house unless she likes her distance. This intimacy shows love and respect without words.
Know whether she needs space or intimacy after a fight.
Ensure her financial security and that of the family before all else.
It goes without saying that she has the right to your protection at all times. No man has the right to hurt his wife for whatever reason. Walk away.Temptations to push her under a bus are to b avoided. No, nagging is still no excuse.
Remember she is the pearl of your life and now one of the most important reasons for your existence along with the kids. Only God must come first in all things.
And yes, after twenty years of marriage she is still a lucky girl. (I know dear, I am a lucky man. I was just about to say that!)
 
My husband thanks me for everything I do in the house, every day and tells me he loves me all the time. He is so courteous and caring in the way he speaks to me, he never raises his voice or insults me, he’s never shouted at me. It makes me feel so good and it doesn’t cost a penny. 🙂
 
It’s all about the little things really. Speak to her with love, affection and respect. Don’t try to micromanage things, especially the daily routine. Trust that she can run everything without you, but don’t expect her to have to do so. Unless there are very strong feelings on a subject, bite your tongue instead of always saying what you want to say–in other words, think before you speak. Remember that your happiness depends on your wife’s happiness so do your best to help her find joy. Don’t ask, and most importantly don’t expect, your wife to do things for you that you are more than capable of doing yourself. For instance, don’t get upset that your laundry is not washed, folded and put away for you. You are a grown up, you can do that yourself if she doesn’t get around to it. If the house isn’t cleaned to your specifications, grab a mop or broom, or start organizing things yourself without mentioning that you find she isn’t doing it well. Do it without complaints and with a good disposition. Never think of your wife as your maid, cook, accountant, mom–she is your wife. Never refer to your wife as a SAHM by referencing the fact that you are the only one working in the house. Don’t say that it is your money and you work hard for it because she is working hard for it as well. If she’s a SAHM and someone asks if your wife works, do what my husband does–tell them she is busier and works harder than either one of you (yourself and your buddy) can ever imagine. Don’t volunteer your wife to do projects or to entertain your friends. Remember the reasons you married her and rejoice that you have her. Pray for your wife and her needs before you pray for yourself and your own needs. Take the kids out so your wife can have time for herself. End every conversation with I love you, even if at that moment you aren’t feeling it. Make yourself available physically in the way your wife prefers, whether that is cuddling, hugs, sex, massage, scratching her back, holding her hand when out in a walk, sitting across the room as you both read–even if you physically prefer something different. If your wife loses her temper and screams at you, take it. Find ways to help her laugh and find stress relief in a calmer moment. Never criticize your wife to anyone for any reason, and if someone speaks poorly if her defend her–even if the other person makes a valid point. Teach your sons to become good husbands and fathers. If the time comes that you need to make a decision your wife may not agree with, do so knowing that she may nag and complain for years, but if you take it without complaint she will respect you more than ever. My husband has a job that he may very well leave and not come home each day. He may find out he needs to leave town in a matter of hours and be gone for months or never make it home. He tells me everyday that he trusts that I can manage without him and he is happy I am his wife. He has never complained about money, the state of our house, dinner, laundry, schedules, etc. He teaches the kids to thank me for their dinner and the inly time he will get on them at all is if they disrespect me. If I ask him to take the kids out or to be gone with them so I can go out, I know the kids will be cared for well and not neglected, abused or even frustrated. If I ask him to do the grocery shopping on the way home, he asks for the list. I know that he hates his job and would LOVE to go back to college, but he keeps going because it provides for our family and the benefits are extraordinary. He doesn’t complain about having a bad day but listens to me about my bad day. The lists of suggestions go on and on, but this is a good start.

As I said on the wife threads, I know my side of Eph 5 is so much easier than my husband’s side. And I realize my husband makes it so easy to be submissive because he follows his much harder role as close to perfect as any man can. I am far from being a passive, quiet person. I’m extremely independent, very strong willed and stubborn. It is so easy to want to please someone that works so hard to please me. If he is willing to give everything for me, how can I not trust that he is only going to decide what is best for our family when he makes a decision?
 
Get up with the baby… Don’t wait for her to ask, just do it:)

Make dinner every once in awhile.

Do the dishes every once in awhile.

Give her a foot rub while telling her how lovely she is:)
 
It should go without saying, but we’ve had a couple recent threads that call for it:

Stop hitting your wife when you’re mad
 
My favourite versions of the Ephesians verse reference ‘cherishing’ you wife and that to me is the most wonderful type of regard. Men often have to overcome a certain type of pride to be able to esteem their wife in the biblical way.

My favourite kind of people are those who have the capacity to self examine and step out of their own shoes and try to see how their behaviour effects those around them… but men particularly who have this virtue are far and above all other men in my opinion.
 
Dacinom said:
Men can be better husbands by putting more time and energy into their own spiritual lives. A lot of men I know, including my husband I have often seen occasionally burn out and are not always good at taking care of themselves in this way.

The demands on a man are many, yet few men take special time to nourish themselves spiritually. So my practical advice to husbands is: set aside some time to pray the rosary, relax and read scripture, stop by a Eucharistic Adoration chapel, or something, by yourself. You are more than a paycheck, a companion, a lover, a spouse, a fixer-of-all-things, a coach, a parent. You are a unique creation of the Almighty God and you need to stay connected to Him first and foremost. In this way you will strengthen yourself to be the husband and father that God created you to be.
Click to expand...
Thank you so much for writing this. Pope Francis has well-noted a terrible phenomenon that has taken hold in so many parts of the world. Husbands and fathers are abandoning their roles as spiritual heads of the household… probably because so many do not have spiritual lives.

I don’t take time enough for myself with God, that’s for sure. But I appreciate your advice here because it goes hand in hand with what I’ve said many times about marriage and family. Kids won’t be happy unless mom and dad put each other first. Mom and dad can’t be happy if they don’t put each other first. And no one is happy unless he or she puts God first. So yes, spiritually feeding oneself is the best way to ensure that a family will be well led and well fed as well.
 
I’m going to repost what I posted on the tail-end of the last thread:

Our Lord taught quite clearly–the evangelist Mark notes this twice in the space of two chapters!–that anyone who takes on a leadership role among Christians is bound in a particular way to pour himself out for those over whom he has been given authority:

*They came to Capernaum and, once inside the house, he began to ask them, “What were you arguing about on the way?” But they remained silent. They had been discussing among themselves on the way who was the greatest. Then he sat down, called the Twelve, and said to them, “If anyone wishes to be first, he shall be the last of all and the servant of all.” *Mark 9-33-35

Jesus summoned them and said to them, “You know that those who are recognized as rulers over the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones make their authority over them felt. But it shall not be so among you. Rather, whoever wishes to be great among you will be your servant; whoever wishes to be first among you will be the slave of all. For the Son of Man did not come to be served but to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many.” Mark 10:42-45

The Christian husband is to pour himself as did Christ and give himself up for his family as Christ gave himself up for the Church, and the wife is to submit to his doing it, and not try to make a secular king out of him. That would be a stumbling block to him. To anyone who tries to discourage him from imitating his Lord in how he leads, who tries to entice him to lead from a position of domination and pride, rather than to offer up his life for the sake of his domestic church, a Christian husband ought to say, *“Get behind me, Satan! You are an obstacle to me. You are thinking not as God does, but as human beings do.” *Matt. 16:23.

IOW, in a Christian home, a husband teaches service by serving. He teaches prayer by being a man of prayer. He teaches mutual submission by pouring himself out first, and then encourages those in the position of following to do likewise. He does not expect anyone to do anything that he is not willing to do himself. He lays down the boundaries of heaven, and puts his own* human *precepts after those of others, encouraging others to follow his example. His wife can trust him, as Our Lady could trust Our Lord. She can point out a problem once, hear his answer, and then say to the family generally, “Do whatever he tells you to do.” Based on the sending out of the 72 and the instructions to the disciples to ready the Upper Room for the Last Supper, he is willing to delegate without micromanaging, keeping his instructions to the essentials.

Now, because we are frail humans, both husband and wife will fall from this standard. In that case, we are debtors who have been forgiven, and forgive offenses against us in that way we hope to be treated when we are the offenders: we say nothing when an incident is best passed over, and when some pattern must be addressed, we admonish as we would want to be admonished ourselves, taking care to do so in a way that will be most likely to win the other person over. We cannot force them; we must win them. Otherwise, we must turn the other cheek, and go two miles when pressed to do one.

Our Lord, the standard of all that is manly, taught this. It is his intention to return fallen men to be the model of the Trinity that they were made to be, just as God intends Our Lady to be the model of all that is womanly, starting with her free consent to the plan of God, as told to her by the angel, and Christ himself to be the model of all that is manly. To teach otherwise would subvert the witness that Christian marriage and family are meant to be in the world.
 
Dacinom said:
Men can be better husbands by putting more time and energy into their own spiritual lives. A lot of men I know, including my husband I have often seen occasionally burn out and are not always good at taking care of themselves in this way.

The demands on a man are many, yet few men take special time to nourish themselves spiritually. So my practical advice to husbands is: set aside some time to pray the rosary, relax and read scripture, stop by a Eucharistic Adoration chapel, or something, by yourself. You are more than a paycheck, a companion, a lover, a spouse, a fixer-of-all-things, a coach, a parent. You are a unique creation of the Almighty God and you need to stay connected to Him first and foremost. In this way you will strengthen yourself to be the husband and father that God created you to be.
Click to expand...
I think this is the best advice so far. It’s amazing how good I feel after I’ve been to adoration, to confession, to Mass or after I’ve prayed a rosary or a chaplet.
I feel even more amazing when my husband goes to confession, adoration, daily Mass or encourages us to pray a rosary. It feels even better when we both go up to receive communion as a family.
All seems right in the world when we take the time to help ourselves out spiritually.
But this applies to both husband and wife.

I’d add a few things thought.

Don’t let your decision making become a heavy cross for your wife to bear. Listen to her. She might just give you a very firm and crystal clear…NO!

One example could be making a decision to homeschool your children but expecting your wife to handle it…especially if she wasn’t on board with the decision to begin with.
My husband and I have talked about this. He doesn’t want our children in public school at all. I’d rather put them in public school then homeschool them.
I don’t have anything against homeschooling, I just know it’s not something I want to do.
Our compromise is putting them in our parish school and if that’s not possible, he will homeschool them and I will work.

Another example between my husband and I was nursing.
I pumped exclusively for my first baby. She wouldn’t latch and it was very difficult to pump all the time and then feed her.
I was exhausted being up all night nursing our youngest. She was and still is a tough baby to handle with gas issues and is very attached to me. My husband has only fed her a handful of times while I was at drill and it was a huge struggle for him because she hates the bottle.
Not to mention that nursing doesn’t get rid of my cycles. I’m just as fertile as I am when I’m not nursing but now it’s nearly impossible for me to interpret them. So we abstain. A lot.

My husband could easily put a stop to this and say no more. I want more intimacy, I want to help feed the baby, I want you to stay home and homeschool the kids. To a lot of people these requests aren’t unreasonable.
For me, it would be heartbreaking to stop nursing my youngest now. It would be demoralizing and heartbreaking to know I have to undertake a huge commitment to homeschool my kids when I know it’s not something I’ve ever wanted to do.
So my husband listens to me and accepts my decision to totally disagree with him and not be complicit.

Be the provider you promised her to be. Figure out how to be that provider.
My husband lost his job but has worked just as hard and has been even more tenacious when it comes to paying the mortgage and the bills and making sure we have food on the table.

Take the time and effort to learn what makes her feel good when you’re intimate. It’s the most frustrating thing in the world knowing you’re going to be intimate with your spouse and this intimacy is all about him, what makes him feel good and the orgasm he will always have.
It takes more work to make you’re wife feel this way and be able to give her an orgasm. Put in the time and effort to get there.
 
bitterhope said:
…As I said on the wife threads, I know my side of Eph 5 is so much easier than my husband’s side. And I realize my husband makes it so easy to be submissive because he follows his much harder role as close to perfect as any man can. I am far from being a passive, quiet person. I’m extremely independent, very strong willed and stubborn. It is so easy to want to please someone that works so hard to please me. If he is willing to give everything for me, how can I not trust that he is only going to decide what is best for our family when he makes a decision?
Click to expand...
This. The only thing I would add is that the Lord did not go out looking for “passive quiet persons.” Submission is not passivity, and this is particularly true under the Christian model of leadership. Under the Christian model of leadership, submission is imitation and support of a total self-oblation of the leader.

A lot of couples think this is about who gets to choose the paint colors. It is really about not letting the color of the paint come ahead of putting others ahead of yourself. If you are fighting over whether to open presents on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning or pouting about not getting some trappings surrounding the day the way you want it, have you not lost the whole point of Christmas? The same thing can ensnare people who are married. They can let minor things supplant the main thing, which is to love each other and witness Christian love of God and neighbor in the world together. Where a lone man may be overcome, two together can resist. A three-ply cord is not easily broken. Eccl. 4:12

Unfortunately, most of the things that couples fight about are “human precepts”, just personal preferences that do not count for anything compared to showing respect and love for the persons you are living with. In that case, sometimes the most important thing is to remember to love the one who is forgetting to love you. That supernatural willingness to love is what holds the whole thing together, and why we are asked to specifically promise “for better and for worse.”
 
EasterJoy said:

“Unfortunately, most of the things that couples fight about are “human precepts”, just personal preferences that do not count for anything compared to showing respect and love for the persons you are living with.”

Day to day, that may be true, but I think the really big, marriage-ending arguments tend to be about big issues–a spouse who doesn’t understand that having checks doesn’t imply the existence of money to cover them, a husband who wants a wife to homeschool even if she doesn’t think it’s a good idea, a spouse who overshares marital information with their family and friends, a spouse who has given up on sex, a spouse who lies and hides things (perhaps because they know their spouse won’t listen to them or accept their (name removed by moderator)ut), a spouse who puts in a full working day online or playing video games, a spouse who spends lavishly on a hobby while the family is otherwise pinched, a spouse who refuses to take care of mental or physical health issues, etc.
 
Xantippe said:
EasterJoy said:

“Unfortunately, most of the things that couples fight about are “human precepts”, just personal preferences that do not count for anything compared to showing respect and love for the persons you are living with.”

Day to day, that may be true, but I think the really big, marriage-ending arguments tend to be about big issues–a spouse who doesn’t understand that having checks doesn’t imply the existence of money to cover them, a husband who wants a wife to homeschool even if she doesn’t think it’s a good idea, a spouse who overshares marital information with their family and friends, a spouse who has given up on sex, a spouse who lies and hides things (perhaps because they know their spouse won’t listen to them or accept their (name removed by moderator)ut), a spouse who puts in a full working day online or playing video games, a spouse who spends lavishly on a hobby while the family is otherwise pinched, a spouse who refuses to take care of mental or physical health issues, etc.
Click to expand...
How often is it that a person who overspends truly “doesn’t understand that having checks doesn’t imply the existence of money to cover them”? It is getting beyond ourselves to say a Christian husband ought to be another Christ for his domestic church when neither spouse will even agree to take on the bare essentials that belong to the trust of a friendship, even according to the lights of those with no faith at all. If you don’t even have a love recognizable to non-believers, how are you going to manage a sacramental marriage, required of believers? If you do not have enough charity to even love in a merely natural way, how are you going to grasp the concept of loving on a supernatural plane?

I think you may be right, though: That is, it may be that too many marriages do not have enough substance in the commitment of one or both spouses to reach the bare minimum required for validity. These are people who cannot even abide by human precepts, which is to say who don’t exert themselves to love and nurture another person even when they feel affection for them, let alone when emotional consolations are not enough to sustain them. To speak about the ideal husband or the ideal wife to someone who can hardly be said to grasp the concept of a natural marriage will not accomplish anything.

Whether they are culpable for that lack, I am not ready to say. There is a lot about the way things go in these times that make me scratch my head. I don’t know enough to even guess what the reasons are for what we’re seeing.
 
EasterJoy said:

“How often is it that a person who overspends truly “doesn’t understand that having checks doesn’t imply the existence of money to cover them”?”

Pretty darn often, actually. There’s a reason that there’s a joke about this. You know the one, “How can I be out of money? I still have checks.” It’s even worse with credit cards.

A lot of people are innumerate and/or struggle with the concept of credit. Credit is a very abstract concept, and most of us don’t really get much in the way of financial education before we’re turned loose on the world. Speaking personally, I think the net sum of my personal finance education when I went off to college was learning to write checks. And that was it (unless you count listening my dad yell at my mom for screwing up the checkbook). I know I was quite unprepared for dealing with EZ credit when I first encountered it as a newylywed (that was the era of the 0% credit card offer and my oh my was it seductive). We were going to make more money soon, so it didn’t matter if the credit card bills were a little high (at some point I was managing to spend literally 110% of our family income every month). It took the better part of a decade (and the help of Mr. Dave Ramsey) to wrap my head around the fact that paying now for the pizza you ate five years ago is kind of dumb.

“It is getting beyond ourselves to say a Christian husband ought to be another Christ for his domestic church when neither spouse will even agree to take on the bare essentials that belong to the trust of a friendship, even according to the lights of those with no faith at all.”

Yep. And friends LISTEN to each other. It’s not holy to ignore one’s spouse when he or she is saying, “Hey, that thing you’re doing–it’s not working for our family!”

I think a lot of people (secular and religious) get into trouble because they don’t treat their spouse as well as a decent secular person would treat a friend. Christian marriage should mean treating each other better than that, not worse than that.

“To speak about the ideal husband or the ideal wife to someone who can hardly be said to grasp the concept of a natural marriage will not accomplish anything.”

Right. That’s why my list of stuff husbands should do to lay down their lives stuck to the basics. It’s no good talking about laying down your life for your wife when you won’t even lay down the remote.

“Whether they are culpable for that lack, I am not ready to say. There is a lot about the way things go in these times that make me scratch my head. I don’t know enough to even guess what the reasons are for what we’re seeing.”

Selfishness?
 
It’s maybe not fair to add this up right now, because one thread started earlier than the other, but the current count is that the wifely submission thread is about 3X longer than the husbandly self-sacrifice thread.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top