Praise for Divorcees

[Psych77]

I have a blog, but this seems a more appropriate place for something I have to say.

For the last year and a half, my wife and I have not been talking - per her request - beyond the functional communication that is necessary to co-parent and live in the same house. We sleep separately in the same house, so that we can both raise the children. It is emotional pain beyond anything I had ever imagined could be. But living this life has made me aware of the heroism of those divorced people in the Catholic Church who remain faithful to the Lord’s teaching - I am referring particularly to those who have no grounds for annulment.

Please do not think that I am in any way billing myself as a hero. I have always struggled - hard - against sins of impurity, and since my wife and I are separated far more so (I won’t give you details here, as this would be a long tangent). I have not been as faithful as I was called to be. But this hardship has given me occasion to realize how many times I have shared a pew with a hero of faith without doing anything to share the weight of his or her cross. I am beginning to realize that these people bear a load that few of us can imagine without having experienced it ourselves (and may God save as many as possible from experiencing it).

These people provide an example for all of us, especially for those who stand against the Church’s tough teachings on the permanence and exclusivity of marriage. Those people frequently accuse us of imposing rigorous teachings on others from an ivory tower. They see us as a Church consisting of vowed celibates and happily married couples, who bear none of the hardships of those who must suffer divorce, and then, since we needn’t bear the pain ourselves, callously forbid these poor people from seeking happiness with a new partner, imposing, they suppose, a hard lot which we would never endorse if we had to bear the hardship ourselves.

The faithful divorced Catholic stands up to this argument. Through their own profoundly personal suffering, they can answer: “I know the hardship. I also know the pain of a husband who is abusive, who cheats with no intention of stopping, the wife who looks down on me and derides me in front of he children, believing she is justified and therefore does not need to change. I know the heartbreak of failing, over and over, to stop minor conflicts from turning into fights, and fights becoming devastating, until we both feel shattered, and our children frightened and insecure. I know the pain of seeing the one person who knows you best on earth, the one person you relied on to love you unconditionally, reject you utterly, and start to say things meant to hurt you. I know what it is like to go to one well meaning friend, priest, marriage therapist, to another, earnestly seeking help, trying to change, and finding myself unable to ever make quite enough change to make things better. I know the depths of despair to which a person has to drop before they finally accept that a relationship is destructive and are willing to let go. I know what it is like to be profoundly, heart-breakingly lonely, having lost the one who was supposed to be your family, but who is now gone. But I also know what it is to make a permanent commitment. I know that some things are more important than what I want. I know what it is to believe in a God Who loves me, and Who always directs me to do what is best for me, regardless of what it seems like to me. I know what it is to trust Him for this, and so to obey submissively, even if He tells me to embrace a devastatingly painful reality. I know what it is to follow Christ; a greater Love than the one I lost. And however painful His command may be for me right now, to follow Him is worth it.”

And to make that statement involves more pain than just what is quoted there. It involves more rejection than just that of the spouse.

The Catholic divorcee is rejected by the world around him/her. Ironically, this world which is so sympathetic and indulgent toward most divorcees has no place for the faithful Catholic afflicted with divorce. If he/she tries to relax and take the mind off the hardship, where can one go, in TV, movies and literature, and not be reminded of our society’s insistence that romantic love and, increasingly, sex, is the ultimate goal of all life, the only thing that makes life worth the effort. Popular culture provides no recognition of other aspects of life affording fulfillment - at least not sufficient fulfillment - without romantic affection and sexual gratification. Even among those others who have also divorced, a faithful Catholic divorcee will find little support. Reactions to the Catholic’s acceptance that he or she must remain celibate thereafter range from “You’re letting yourself be victimized, throwing the rest of your life away like that,” to a patronizing, “Well, that’s fine for now, but some day you will heal from this divorce and realize that to be healthy you need to move on and find another romantic partner.”

(Continued)

 

[Psych77]

(Continued)

Neither will they, usually, find much more comfort in the Church, for whose teaching they are sacrificing such pleasures and comforts which most of us take for granted. Even today, very few dioceses have ministries to support divorced people. And divorcees often feel lonely in the pews. For the most part, those faithful to the teachings (who, unfortunately, constitute a minority of those in the pews) tend to classify people as married, vowed to celibacy, or on their way toward one or the other. The Catholic divorcee, if faithful, can be none of these things. Those faithful to the teaching are, today, locked in a fierce struggle against the mainstream culture to affirm the dignity, exclusivity and permanence of marriage. They look with awkwardness and discomfort at the divorced Catholic, fearing that he/she may erode their support for God’s teaching on marriage from within, when in fact this person is sacrificing the pleasure and closeness of intimate married loving, or even the affection of a warm kiss or an extended embrace, to uphold God’s teaching on marriage. Perhaps the faithful Catholic is uncomfortable with the faithful divorced Catholic because he always secretly assumed that following Christ would protect him/her from the evil of divorce. Perhaps he fears this person, who forces him to confront the question, “Could that someday be me?” So, often, the faithful in the pews afford little more than an awkward greeting, not knowing what to talk about or how to relate to someone experiencing something they have feared to even imagine. Then they find a transparent excuse for ending the conversation quickly, and move on to less challenging friends. I know that this happens in church every day. It is exactly what I used to do.

So the faithful divorced Catholic suffers the trauma of divorce itself, the loneliness afterward, the challenge of focusing their lives on something other than romance and sex in a world that insists that romance and sex is all there is. They suffer rejection by their spouse, by the mainstream culture, and even by their own church. And yet they continue to stand, faithful, because Christ is truly their God. Perhaps they find closeness to Christ in the suffering, offering it up for their spiritual growth and for the good of others. Perhaps they just white-knuckle through it because they don’t want to be unfaithful to the Lord. At any rate, they believe, and so they follow, even through the hard times. That faith is truly heroic.

To these heroes of faith I have historically shown a woeful and inexcusable lack of compassion until I understood some of the feelings myself. I do not see most of them anymore - hopefully they have not completely left the pews because of insensitivity like mine. Sue F of Auburn - if you are reading this, know that you are my hero. I didn’t offer you any support, but I am praying for you.

And to everyone else - when you know that one of your friends is divorced, especially one of your Catholic friends, open your home, your heart, your social circle. They have suffered a death at least as painful as the physical death of a loved one - in some ways more painful, because the death refreshes itself every time he/she must interact with the estranged spouse. Give support and love. Reassure them with your actions and presence that, contrary to the message of the world around them, life without a spouse/romantic partner does not mean a life without love or joy. Help them to carry that cross.

 

[Church_Mouse_1]

I will be praying for you… I have seen this in the parents of a very dear friend of mine. She and her sister travel from house to house each week to be with each Catholic parent. I love both her mother and father, and I know not what they had gone through to decide on divorcing, but it happened. I know it tears up my young friend and her sister to think about though. She is a very devout Catholic, however, for such a young age too. She is going to be a Junior in high-school and already has the maturity of a much older woman. I can only give that credit to her parents who have remained single since they have separated and led a Catholic life in an example for those children. I know it hurts both the parents to be together as you have implied. I want to thank you though, for remaining true to your faith and showing your child(ren) that there is more to life than this culture says.

May God Bless you.

 

[Psych77]

Thank you so much, Mouse, for responding. Even a message board interaction helps me to feel less lonely.

And thank you for being available, both to the children of divorce and to their parents. I sincerely hope that you will never know, this side of the beatific vision, how much it means what you are doing, and the depth of need that you are filling. I will pray for your friends, and for you as well.

 

[Church_Mouse_1]

Of course, and thank you for your prayers. Lord knows they are needed.

 

[Samson01]

… In tears right now. Thank you for your prayers. One of the hardest lessons from The Lord is to learn how to love like Him, unrequited, reviled and hated in return.

 

[stephe1987]

I will pray for you.