Pray for a cure for my cowardice!

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minnieg

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Hi - I’m minnieg - and I’m a coward.

I wish they had a 12-step program for us. But I might be too sheepish to go. :o

I’ve written before about my Episcopal MIL who shed tears the first time I declined to take communion at her church. Since then, she has seen me at her church once, for a baptism, and knew that I did not go at that time. She acted somewhat hurt, then, too, though she did not break into tears or make a deal of it.

So, now, 1.5 years later, I will be part of the wedding party for my SIL’s wedding. Indeed, I am matron of honor. There will be communion during the ceremony. I will be in the front, not able to shrink from sight. And I will be the only bridesmaid to decline participation. This will be an issue for MIL, and the SIL getting married. My other SIL will roll her eyes at me, but won’t make a big to-do, as I fear from the others.

My DH is not Catholic, but does not claim affiliation with any other church. He does, however, repeatedly tell me that I do not have to justify myself to anyone. (He is no coward.)

In some ways, I want to clear the air beforehand, and practice asserting myself. On the other hand, I don’t want this to cloudy the season for SIL, and I don’t want to have her thinking about it for months ahead of time. Then, during her ceremony, it may be all she can think about when communion time comes.

So, I’m thinking that I just need to follow my conscience and let the time come and go. If someone comments afterward, I have rehearsed over and over what I will say when it is time. I am not, after all, in communion with the Episcopal church. I do not intend to lie with my actions and pretend that I am. I do rejoice in the matters of faith on which we agree.

Perhaps it would be worth it to express my concerns to the minister(s)?

But, it makes my stomach sick to think of the confrontation.

I know I am a coward, and I kindly ask your prayers - kind advice is welcome, too!

Thanks!
 
You are not a coward!

Just because a church practices open communion doesn’t mean everyone is required to receive.

If everyone is going to be upset, then either don’t tell them beforehand (the smart ones will figure out what’s coming) or don’t participate in the wedding (which will produce it’s own hurts).

If they give you grief, just thank them for inviting you to their open, inclusive church that respects everyone’s views!
 
How about a little chat with the minister before hand, not in a confrontational way, but in seeking his advice…

“Since I won’t be receiving communion with the rest of the wedding party, how do you want me to handle it? In my Church, people who are not receiving Communion can come up with their arms folded across their chest. Is there something specific people do in your church?”

In a way, I can kind of see the logistics of you being the only one not to receive. If the wedding party is going up in a line together, or something like that, it would be really awkward for you not to go up in the line with everyone else, or be the only one staying in your seat or however it is that they handle it. Doesn’t every bride want everything to be perfect :rolleyes: You would be ruining the symmetry of the flow. So by asking the minister how to handle it, it shows that you aren’t wanting to stand out and make things awkward.

Maybe the both of you would decide that you go up with everyone and just bow your head or something like that.

Let him know that the reasons for you not receiving is not open for discussion. (or persuasion).

Good luck, I hate confrontation, too.
 
I definitely will say a prayer for you! :gopray2:

No one ought to be trying to guilt to to partake in their communion when you do not share their beliefs. They can take a hike. :hey_bud: You aren’t ruining anything.

But I definitely agree that you should discuss with the presiding minister how to appropriately handle the situation. I would guess they would have something similar to the crossing of the arms that Catholics have.

Good luck! 👍
 
A hero is different from a coward not beause a the hero isn’t scared, it’s because they don’t let the fear rule them. You are doing something about your fear instead of just receiving protestant ‘communion’ at the wedding. Therefore, you are not a coward 🙂 Don’t beat yourself up.
 
You are not a coward.

Listen to your husband. He is right. You owe NO ONE an explanation or an apology.

I would not bring it up with anyone. They already know the score. And, on her wedding day your SIL probably won’t care what is going on-- I don’t even remember half of it b/c everything was a big whirl of activity.

On that day, approach the Episcopal priest, tell him you are a Catholic and will not be receiving communion so he’ll know to just skip you, and then just be at peace.

Don’t let anyone steal your peace.
 
Isn’t there a possibility for you to receive a one-time permission from your Catholic Priest, with his superior’s approval, to take “communion” in the Episcopal Church on this special occasion? Your priest may need to call his Bishop for approval, but it’s a one-time thing, not like you are going to bother them with similar requests very often. Exceptions to the rule are sometimes approved based on the principle of “economy” or “oikonomia”. This would surely work with the Eastern and Oriental Orthodox Churches with which we are not in communion, that is, Catholics can go to communion in Orthodox Churches and Orthodox people in Catholic Churches, with approval from their Priests/Bishops. But I should immediately add that those Orthodox Churches have valid priesthood and valid Eucharist, while the Episcopal Church may not have a valid priesthood and valid Eucharist (I don’t really now). Thus, “economy” may not be canonically possible with the Episcopal Church, whereas it is definitely possible with the Orthodox Churches. “Economy” or “oikonomia” has nothing to do with our gross domestic product or stock market, but it is rather a special principle used in church law that permits the making of exceptions to the ordinary rule for grave reasons.

If you cannot receive permission on the principle of economy to commune in the Episcopal Church, you can follow the good advice given by various posters here. You only need to talk to the Episcopal Minister before the wedding ceremony, so that he is aware that you will not be taking communion. There is no need for explanations or apologies, you should only let him know the fact so that he won’t be surprised and will be able to accommodate you.
 
I am really thanking God for you all right now.
I feel so much calmer.

Joseph, as I understand, the Episcopal Church does not have a valid priesthood and therefore not a valid eucharist. I do not believe it is possible to receive communion there.

I believe all of your advice is great - I will likely call ahead, or ask to speak to the priest just after the rehearsal so that he can be aware of my situation, and tell him I’m counting on his discretion so as to avoid a scene or any discomfort for the in-laws, but especially for SIL on her big day.

Thanks, all, so much for the advice.
Rhonda
 
You can always take your husband along for moral support. Or you can write the minister a letter.

Another good way to go is to write out what you want to say and memorize it and/or take your script with you. You’re allowed to do that. 🙂
 
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