Pray for us - Infidelity taking it's toll

[dave_55]

My wife and I have been married for 18 years and unfortunately the past several years has been very difficult. We have a 17 yr old daughter that has seen much of this and it has affected her tremendously. We are both catholic I was raised catholic, went to catholic grade & high schools and was brought up by 2 devout catholic parents. My wifes’ family is catholic but they aren’t very religious. She wasn’t given alot of parameters and boundaries when she was young… maybe she is angry because of this.

Over 6 years ago she met someone online and I guess in her mind it was very innocent chat that led into something much worse. At that time she didn’t work and she spent hours a day chatting online, to talking on the phone every day. She got her own credit card and booked a flight to meet him. A few weeks before they were to meet I discovered what was going on and it devasted our whole family. By this time she wasn’t concerned about her family but being with this person. When all of the fallout happened his wife was notified and he cut off all contact.

We went to counseling but she didn’t want to be there and for months after this she started drink heavily and still does today. In the last 3-4 years my daughter has been called every rotten name imaginable by her mother. She has hurt my daughter so much and I’m not sure what lasting scars this will have on her. I’ve talked to my daughter about her mother going through some very difficult times and she really doesn’t mean the things she says. But she get angry beins to drink and she gets very nasty.

Emotionally, this has taken so much out of me. I stayed with her becasue I didn’t want my daughter to go through her teenage years dealing with a divorce and all the emotional scars that could last with her. it’s many years since I have felt good about my mariage; I’m not sure is she will ever get her life together. I really don’t trust her and not sure if I ever will again.

Dave

 

[glenconnor]

I am grieved to hear that you are going through this trial. I will add you to my prayer intentions. I admire your courage and your steadfastness in these the worst of times.

 

[Trishie]

Dave I feel very much for you and your daughter, and your misled and sick wife, as what ails her is a terrible kind of sickness, of the spirit.

I believe that your unconditional love, for sake of your daughter, will, united with Jesus, be your wife’s ultimate salvation…all that you have already been through. And to have the witness of your goodness and of your love, has given your daughter a witness of God’s love, and a father’s genuine love.

I would be concerned about your health, your long-term health, and for your happiness and peace.

Of course you cannot trust her as she has betrayed herself, you, and your daughter, but I join you in prayer that your wife will take stock of her life and for a start, give up her destructive drinking.

I pray that you will know what to do, what to say, to help your wife face that she is ruining her own life and yours, and damaging your daughter. The last thing you need to be is co-dependent in any hidden way. There can be many levels in our relationships with others that we are hardly aware of. We adapt to the other person in ways we barely notice, but she certainly isn’t being accountable, and she isn’t valuing her precious gift of life and self by how she lives each day.

People speak of heroes, but someone who lives so unselfishly…because it must be torture for you at times… you are a quiet hero. None of your family should have to live in such deep unhappiness, and I pray God will help you three to find your way to a life of peace together.

Love and prayer,
Trishie

 

[wardrandolph]

I am so sorry this has happened to your family.I will be praying that our Lord will heal the hurt and mend all of your broken hearts.

 

[dave_55]

Thanks for all the prayers and thinking of our family. There’s not a day that goes by that I ask God to guide me through this difficult time. I know what my faith tells me I should do and often ask why this burden is put upon me.

Dealing with the financial burdens we have and my daughter is struggling in the catholic school she is attending and then the extra burden of my personal relationship. We’ve been taught God will not put more on us that we can handle; I hope he is paying attention.

I question myself often - did I do the right thing. Would it have been better for all if we divorced years ago and escape the feelings I have now? But that would have been the easy way out and felt that would have been selfish.

How would God want me to handle this crisis? Are we being punished for past sins? Does he want us to live in unhappiness and suffering. Many questions I often think about.

 

[Aboveallbereal]

Dave you have my sympathy and best wishes. Your care for and selfless devotion to trying to make sure your daughter was and is properly brought up in the face of provocation does you enormous credit and is a model of giving fatherhood.

 

[wardrandolph]

Continued prayers for your family.Jesus I trust in you.

 

[Schn]

If you want to fix things, don’t pray. Act.

 

[iamrefreshed]

Pray AND act.

My prayers are with you Dave.

Drinkers must find their own bottom. It is not your job to protect her from finding it. It your job to help her. That may be by ceasing to live with the abuse that you and your daughter are being put through.

 

[90Domer]

First off, my prayers are with you. Your dedication and love for your daughter is immense. Take pride in that.

Second, some practical advice. If you don’t have a counselor for just yourself, I would look into one. Same for your daughter. From what I understand, Catholic Social Services has a good network. And perhaps you and your daughter can go to counseling together.

Third, and this is touchy. There is such a thing known as intervention, where you basically force someone to go into a rehab program. Not like an AA thing, but an (name removed by moderator)atient thing. These are intensive programs designed for people who won’t help themselves and think that they don’t have a problem. Once again, your local AA or a counselor can help you with this decision.

Fourth, you mentioned that your wife does not work. Does she have free access to all your accounts? If so, you may want to think about securing your own accounts for your own financial safety.

Finally, is there a way you can physically remove yourself or your daughter from the situation (living with a close friend or relative)? Your presence may add to the feeling that things aren’t so bad after all.

I hope this helps. I have walked this path before with another family member–a sibling, not a spouse. That made life easier for me, but it was still painful.

Hang in there.